Why the Philippines?

My fascination and interest in the Philippines hasn’t lessened over the past months or even over the past year. In fact it’s become more keen over time. I’ve become an avid fan of various Philippine and expat vloggers and spend an inordinate amount of time watching them and their exploits, learning about the country and its culture.

Maybe this whole thing is just another pipe dream or maybe just a fad or phase I’ll outgrow. Or it could be something serious and meaningful. This is me noodling that out.

I’ve heard of people retiring overseas before, but haven’t known anyone who actually did it. I once had a co-worker who talked about his dad moving to Ecuador as an expat. That sounded like a really wild idea at the time. I have relatives who moved to Florida from Iowa, and that was about as close as I got to knowing expats in the family. I had bummed around Europe for 6 months out of high school, so having a passport and traveling overseas isn’t totally…erm…foreign. I also had a 2 week deployment in Honduras when I was in the Army Reserves, so I can check the box off being in a third world country.

But actually living in a developing country is an entirely different thing. So how did I get here? It was actually kind of an accident. Just surfing the youtubes as I am wont to do, and I came across a vlogger who had just gotten to the Philippines and was discussing about the social and financial aspects of living there. It got my interest, and I started watching a few more Philippine expat vlogs and it was as if an entirely new world of possibilities opened up to me. It occurred to me that this might solve some problems that had been vexing me for a long time;

1. Affordability/finances

2. Social context

3. Future

Financial

The central theme of this blog as been my awful, sad relationship/marriage and my various attempts to salvage it, live with it or somehow escape it. One of the biggest problems is that my humble paycheck, while it provides a comfortable living for our family, it is by no means extravagant. Dividing it in half in order to have 2 separate households would be financial Armageddon. And I still have a dependent person in addition to my spouse to consider.

SO, the first thing I noticed is that living in some of these expat communities was a LOT less expensive than living in the U.S. Many of these guys are living on their social security paychecks alone and still have money leftover. That would be a challenge in the U.S. even if you owned your house. If you don’t own your house and have to pay rent, you might have a place to live but you’re going to have to choose between electricity and food some months. Assuming your health is good. The average monthly social security benefit for retired workers in 2023 was $1905. The average rent in Mississippi for a bedroom of any size in 2023 is $1107. I’m looking at the average income and comparing to the average rent to a state with the lowest cost and you can quickly see where there might be some serious problems. It is true you can find rents at lower cost, but living on around $2000 per month fixed income is an incredible challenge pretty much anywhere a body might want to live in the U.S.

In the Philippines, rents have been going up over the past year, but not to the degree they are in the U.S. What you get in Mississippi for $1100 per month you can find in the Philippines for less than $500. Couple this with the fact that you don’t need to own a car to get around in the Philippines, and the savings start to stack up pretty fast.

The Philippines are literally half way around the world, though. It is true that there are comparable places much closer that could offer just as nice of a discount as far as cost of living. Ecuador, Costa Rica, Panama, Peru, Colombia are all places where a person can get a lot more bang for the their U.S. dollar. And I took a look at those places as well. The biggest problem for me is that mi espanol es muy terrible`. In the Philippines, all of the signage and legal documents are in English. No need for me to sharpen my Spanish, though it might still be helpful.

Belize is one place I strongly considered since English is also the major language of record there. However, it does not have the strong appeal because of my second consideration…

Social Context

I’m using this term because I’m not sure what else to put here. It just seems crass to put “Dating culture” there, because there’s more to it than that. But I can’t deny that a great deal of the appeal lies pretty squarely in the cultural and social context of their dating culture. Namely that an old guy who has even a modest pension is still considered a catch in the Philippines and that the reaction to big age gaps isn’t as crazy there as it is here. If the expat vloggers are to be believed, the young filipinas are are very keen to get themselves a foreign partner of any age. And I see quite a few guys who are pretty broken down in their 70’s somehow with a young woman in her 30’s or even 20’s! This seems incredible to me, so I’m keen to put that entire notion to the test. It’s for science. I would certainly be the test of tests for the idea that some musty, dusty and crusty foreign guy could find love in the Philippines.

It’s really difficult to undersell the draw this has for me, and the psychological boost that it gives. Until the point of encountering the Philippine option, I’ve grappled with what I could only describe as a very bleak future. Either remaining in a loveless marriage for the remainder of my days, or one of us calling it quits and being alone, growing old and alone and just wasting away until my days are spent. Either way, the sex is over, right? All done. I got to enjoy maybe 13 years of sex, most of it before marriage, before getting married and getting friend-zoned by my wife. Every day, I wake up with the full knowledge that I’m not going to ever be touched, hugged, embraced and kissed again. Passion is just a distant memory and something I get to watch on the internet. Until now.

Now, there is this distant hope. A glimmer of perhaps, just maybe getting a few more good and happy years where I can rediscover and perhaps live the life that I’ve missed. A chance to reset and start over. A chance to rediscover purpose. Sure, I’m not completely stupid; most of the younger filipinas aren’t stupid either. There is a certain transactional aspect to this where they get to escape the grinding weight of abject poverty in exchange for my second chance. A chance to really and truly live my last quarter of life. Which leads to…

The Future

When discussing the financial bit, I was discussing the conditions that a physically fit retiree might be looking forward to, providing they could afford the bare minimum. However, as a person ages, their needs change and alter and health becomes more and more the center of what will dictate how they live. SO, what does the endgame look like for all of you? What are those last few years going to look like for you as you get older and older?

Right now, I’m fortunate that both my parents are still alive but over time I see how they are spending more and more time traveling to more and more doctors. My mother, an ex-nurse, is spending more and more of her time being the caregiver for my father. This is a marriage that just celebrated 61 years, so they have a very rich history to draw from. They have a rich community of neighbors and friends and other relatives surrounding them who help look after them.

I don’t really have any of that. Last month, I had to go into the hospital for stomach pains that turned out to be a gall bladder infection. So I had surgery to remove that, and Arwyn sat with me in the ER as they did all the tests. But I’m under no illusions that she would be looking forward to being MY caregiver going into old age. And I’m not keen to be that sort of burden to my own kids. The Philippines actually has a retirement authority that has options for expats where one can have their own private caregiver or nurse at a fraction of the cost of a nursing home in the states. And nursing homes in the states are not exactly places a body would want to end up, except at the utmost of need. The Philippines offers private care on a tropical island akin to a Hawaiian resort. In fact, the Philippines is often referred to as “Poor man’s Hawaii.” So even if I proved the idea that an old coot like me could find love there, I could still look forward to a relatively higher standard of care for the last of my days compared to what I could afford in the states.

The Philippines has a relatively easy visa process. When you arrive, you automatically get a 30 day tourist visa, which can be extended almost indefinitely for up to 3 years. At the 3 year mark, you can simply fly out the country for a day and then fly back and then it starts over. But they also have some special retirement visas. For one, you deposit $10k in a bank account and then prove you have a pension or SSI of at least $1000. A second one is even easier, if you are a veteran your deposit is only $1500. I’ll have to look into that to see if my reserve duty would count but either way, it makes retiring there pretty easy.

The final part of the puzzle is as it relates to my oldest who is on the spectrum and has struggled mightily with finding his place. He really would like to be more independent and have his own place. While he is fairly independent in a lot of ways, in that he can cook and plan his own meals, he’s still going to need some intervention of some sort to help him out. He occupies a spot right exactly between needing extensive support and qualifying for SSI and medicaid and being so high functioning that he doesn’t qualify for anything and yet is unemployable. While the Philippines has some very real challenges, I could afford to support him and allow him more independence there, where public transportation actually exists.

There are cultural things though not as great as say, Malaysia. Malaysia has some of the same positives as the Philippines, including the English language. However Malaysia has a culture based and steeped in Muslim culture, compared to the Catholic culture of the Philippines. The Christian culture is also another definite draw for me compared to other Asian countries. While English is official and commonly taught, its still not commonly spoken by natives to each other, so there is still a language barrier of a sort. And the heat and humidity are also factors and something that might take some getting used to.

When it comes to affordability, language and culture the Philippines definitely fits the bill and gives me something to look forward to. I still need to get the passport and get my feet on the ground in order to see if I really like it. But I honestly think I’m ready for another adventure.

Considerations

In one of my previous posts, I posted how my future was driving me closer to taking some action toward a different trajectory and future. And so far, I’m still thinking along the same lines. Of course as time passes, thoughts have to translate into action else we’ll remain on the same dead-end collision course.

So why not just get an attorney and pull the trigger and file for a divorce today? Why wait? After all, lots of other people do it. It happens all the time! Why prolong the pain?

Let’s start with where I am now. I’m at 60 years old, with 2 kids, the youngest of which is graduating this year with a degree in engineering. And he’s already got a job lined for after graduation up that will allow him to take home just about what I do now. Study math, kids! My oldest is on the spectrum and still lives with us. He might be considered high functioning, but at the same time, he still has a lot of needs as far as supervision. And a wife that really doesn’t want to work. She could get SSI right now if she wanted, but trying to hold off on that for the moment to maximize her take when she actually needs it. So now, with one less dependent, and very little debt, we are in a decent spot at the moment, financially. HOWEVER, I’m by no means in a position to support 2 separate households, should I pull the trigger and move out and file. And this does not take into consideration attorney fees.

At the moment, there isn’t a real pressing urgency to make such a move. Arwyn and I each have our own rooms; our own spaces. And we live fairly separate lives apart from the kids. We get along for the most part without a lot of fighting and argument. I pay all the bills and then kick her around $1K every month for her to buy cat food and whatever other incidental needs she might have. Things are not terrible by any stretch, other than the total lack of intimacy. I’m able to go to work, come home and spend time gaming or whatever. At the moment the 2 things that keep me tied here is my oldest and my job. And the time is ticking down on the job. I’m eligible for a fairly decent pension which gets better the longer I stick it out. Come the next economic downturn, it’ll make the choice a lot easier.

Getting my oldest straight is going to take a lot more time and effort. Either getting him up to speed in a job where he can support himself or getting him on SSI is the order of the day. It’ll be a real challenge for me to pull the trigger on retirement without having him in some semblance of security.

I suppose to some, these might seem like excuses. Heaven knows those aren’t in short supply. I’ve had a lot of time to think about how and why I feel the need to move on, and just as long to think about ‘not right now’.

Oddly enough, part of this process is improving the working relationship with Arwyn. There’s a considerable amount of resentment and back-logged bitterness that needs to be worked through, but I’d like to think we’re getting there. While we have not broached “The Talk”, I think we’re moving toward a point where we could actually resolve things through mediation. I’m willing to pay for my freedom, and the less that goes to attorneys the better.

SO, here it is. Me articulating how and when things would go down. Starting with the end date.

Arwyn and I were married in August of 1996. Looking at my work and what I want to do, I think August of 2026 would be a good end date. 30 years is a damn good run, and a nice round number. There’s just a nice balance to it, at least in my mind. I’ve been blogging since 2005, so we’ve carried these issues for over 20 years. According to the last time we went to couples counseling, she pretty much checked out by 1999. It took me a little longer. So now that gives us a little less than 2 years to work through whatever disagreement and terms. I think it’s doable.

While we haven’t had “The Talk” I’m guessing Arwyn is holding out for me to bring it up. And why wouldn’t she? She’s been able to pretty much live off me for the last 10 years without having to work. Fortunately her work record is enough that she can at least draw some SSI, though she coulf draw a lot more if she’d work just part-time to cross off some of those zero years. Something is better than nothing. Also, if she pulled the trigger today, and we got divorced tomorrow, she’d immediately lose her health insurance which is not insubstantial. By 2026, she’d be ready for medicare, which takes a substantially burden off.

My goal is to minimize or eliminate alimony and keep as much of my pension as I can. In order to do that, I figure giving her the house and the 401K would put her at or greater parity with the pension. Of course, at that point, I’m either going to have to move out or just pay rent on the room I have in the house. But this moves me to the next part of the plan.

Some time during late 2025/early 2026 I’m going to be applying for a passport. This is actually something I HAVE talked about with Arwyn; moving overseas. Specifically to the Philippines. I may do another post on why I picked that spot, but anyone who has ever looked into retiring or moving to the Philippines will have a pretty good idea as to why there are so many men headed in that direction. An opportunity to do a total reset and start over. AND it is where a fellow could actually live pretty well on a teacher’s pension. In fact, it was this realization that I might actually be able to carve out a future post-marriage life without having to eat dog food and live in a card board box that got me moving. I suddenly have something to look forward to. Instead of ESCAPING, I’m actually moving TOWARD something! A new life and a new adventure.

Now it is highly possible for any number of things to come along and derail my plans. China could decide to invade, we could have a disaster of some sort here or the health of any one of us could become a limiting factor.

But this gives y’all some sense of what I’m thinking and the direction I’m heading as we get ready to flip that calendar into 2024.

Why Women Want Sex

..That’s the sad reality of sex with your wife; is that she used sex to get married. and once she trapped you, there was no reason to have sex anymore…

Karyn from “Happy Wife School”

I recently came across a video by this person and it struck as one of the most truthful things, from my personal experience, ever uttered and the fact that it came from a woman made it more impactful. Small wonder she has gone from zero to 34K subscribers in about 6 months. 

This woman goes HARD into the paint, really describing her own experience which is the exact companion to my experience and this entire blog. Basically Arwyn’s switch turned OFF and she has never turned it back on. And there is NOTHING that can be done to turn it on. Basically, most guys get sucked into the trap, and then once we are stuck we become sperm donors to her dream of family. Sure, I wanted family too, but my dream looked much different. I expected my wife and I to be the center, not the kids. The kids were the natural outgrowth of a good strong bond between my wife and I. THAT was the dream. Instead, she got my sperm, got impregnated and then I became the bank– the source of all the resources for her and the kids. 

This level of honesty that Karyn engages in, is SO rare it’s small wonder that so many men gravitate toward her. 

 You can see that video here, since WordPress has made embedding video a premium paid thing now 😦

In fact it has been so long since I blogged, it’s hard to even recognize the GUI here.

SO, let me give you a bit of an update on where this blog is going in the future. Just like you, I spend a LOT more time consuming video media than I do the old blogging format. I still do a lot of reading, but it’s more difficult curating blog posts off my blogroll, which is mostly made of abandoned blogs. SO, I do have a channel that I’m gradually working into vlogging. I also have a gaming channel that has been mostly experimental in learning about youtube’s uploading and tools but the vlogging channel is the real prize that I eventually want to invest in.

On a more personal note, I am now working on a plan of getting out of my own personal train wreck. It’s been a LONG time coming, I know. And it’s still a long game, but now at least I have a direction that I can keep moving toward. A real timeline that I can implement. I’ll make that a new resolution in outlining what that is going forward. I hear from a lot of guys in a similar situation to mine, feeling trapped (because we were) and feel hopeless and helpless in finding a way out. But I think there might be a way out. It isn’t easy and involves sacrifice, but I’m hoping that it’s all worth it.

What is the use of marriage in a relationship?

Someone was looking for an answer to this question in an online forum. Soooo…I decided to give my answer…

This is a GREAT question! Unfortunately, the answer depends on who the person is that’s asking. Marriage has had different uses to different people throughout history:

1. Merging families and property – want that land next to yours? Have your son marry the neighbor’s daughter!
2. Sealing political alliances – Which is why all the kings and queens in Europe seemed to be interrelated, the idea that family don’t attack family.
3. As means to secure legitimacy and increased status in society. Many societies still accord greater status to married couples than singles
4. Professional advancement – There was a time that companies were more likely to hire and promote married men, knowing they had incentive to work harder and were less likely to move away.
5. Marriage still grants special legal privileges to the the spouse, such as in inheritance, tax breaks, social security, health insurance and other benefits they would not have as a non-married couple. This is (one reason) why gay/lesbian couples fought so hard for marriage. They wanted equal spousal rights.

Let’s talk about #5 a bit more, since this is the most applicable in the present day and age. Whenever someone is wondering about whether or not to make such a legal commitment, it might be more beneficial to talk to someone who has expertise in family law more than a marriage counselor or minister. There ARE some very useful, legal benefits that come along with marriage. Especially if you are a woman who marries a man who earns more money. Women seem to know this intuitively, which is why they almost always pick a higher earning man. The more money, the better…for her.

For men, marriage is more like buying a timeshare property. There are some benefits, but the downsides are almost exactly the same:

• Your Travel Locations Become Limited. …
• Scheduling Conflicts Are an Issue. …
• Mortgage Payments and Upfront Costs. …
• You’ll Pay Maintenance Fees, Even When You’re Not Using the Timeshare. …
• The Difficulty to Cancel a Timeshare.

It’s almost always the women who press for a marriage commitment, putting them on a similar level as the timeshare sales force. Lots of promises, but there are no guarantees and lots of stipulations that one might not be aware of, especially when stunned and amazed by the beautiful view. Just look at her! And she can be yours! But you better act now! Someone else might put in a better bid!

Only after the deal is locked down and the papers are signed, does the real cost start kicking in. There are many many couples who continue to enjoy each other’s company well into their golden years and until they die. For them, it is definitely a net gain. But for the rest, it’s MUCH more difficult to get out of than it was getting in. If you no longer enjoy each other’s company— too bad. You’re going to enjoy each other a lot less before the divorce process is over.

Most couples focus on the symbology of the marriage vows and the wedding, which I feel is a grave mistake because the state doesn’t care anything about the weight of the ring, the height of the cake, the cut of the dress, the color of the flowers, how many groomsmen or bridesmaids or what you said or did during the wedding ceremony and what venue you chose. All the state cares about is the signatures on the paper (usually signed as an after thought after the ceremony and before the reception) that were filed in the court house making the marriage legal in the eyes of the law. Not to be confused with the in-laws, who may become a different issue entirely!

Marriage can either simplify or complicate things legally, but as far as the relationship itself, it doesn’t change things very much. It won’t make a bad relationship better, nor will it make a good relationship better or worse. Marriage is a state-sanctioned contract between the couple and the state that incorporates two individuals into a single legal entity. Like the Timeshare contract, some people love it forever. Others eventually find it doesn’t work for them and hang on to it for entirely too long before they find themselves involved in a protracted, expensive struggle to get free of it.

Do you agree with my answer?

CheckList Part 2 – Family Origin

I’ve been through counseling 3 times. Once after college in the wake of a bad break up and depression and then the 2 marriage counseling rounds. And now this exercise with Patsy Dawson. Counselors LOVE family of origin, and delving all into the relation you have with your parents and even the relationship with THEIR parents. My sister went to counseling in college and it was the same with her. Lots and lots of family of origin to dig up patterns of behavior that we may have picked up from our parents that are maladaptive. There CAN be some very important insights gained from some examination of family dynamics and I don’t discount it completely. HOWEVER, this can also be as destructive as constructive.

I remember going around with my first counselor about my relationship with my dad, who was a typical midwest farming type. Workaholic, and largely emotionally stoic or absent. In order to survive the environmental hardships of a midwestern winter outdoors you have to have balls of steel. Being emotional and whiny means you won’t succeed, as its up to you to take care othe animals that are out and exposed. The cows need milking in all weather, 365 days a year. They don’t take snow days. You basically need gumption and those cows really don’t care about your feelings. Neither do drought, hail, tornadoes, blizzards or floods. It was hard work that began before the morning light and did not end until after dark amidst biting insects and biting brambles in the extreme cold and heat. You almost HAD to be a stoic to do it and get up to do it again and again.

That first counselor basically said that I wasn’t really going to be able to break through unless I drug my parents and my siblings into his office for their own sessions to resolve all these issues. Basically, I was left with no one left to blame for all my defects except my parents. I kinda took it with a grain of salt…I was going to move on. My sister, on the otherhand, took my parents defects much more personally even so far as to tell them they never should have had children. Mom told me about that much later after the fact, but what you suppose the liklihood of them ever going to ANY sort of counseling would be after that shit?

And it IS shit. Our parents, your parents everyones parents generally do the best they can with the resources they have. Even the most defective ones.

Arwyn’s family of origin is fraught with more complications. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother enabled him until she couldn’t deal anymore and divorced him when she was 12. And somewhere in there, Arwyn was sexually abused. By someone. While she disclosed to our marriage counselor that she was in the church recovery program for issues of her father’s alcoholism, she also said she was there for recovery from sexual abuse. That last bit was a bombshell for me, because I don’t recall her ever mentioning sexual abuse before. But Arwyn never elaborated any further in my presence. I do not know who did it, what they did or when. I suspect it might have been her father but I honestly have no idea to this day. But obviously the ramifications of this is pretty substantial in our relationship on many levels. The biggest being her not disclosing anything to me about this, leaving me wondering and not fully understanding.

Regardless of what happened or when, the fact that she never trusted me enough to tell me anything speaks VOLUMES. And regardless of what happened, it is her choice what and how much to say. I’m left with all sorts of suspicions, theories and wonderings even to wonder if I might have been considered a sexual abuser at one point toward her.

Both of her parents have passed away. Her mother to complications related to smoking and her father with bladder cancer. But I knew both of them. Her father was in recovery when I first met him and he seemed like he loved his daughter and would do anything to take care of his children. Though he could also be prone to setbacks. He met his second wife in AA and it was a classic case of 13^th stepping. This lady was also very nice, but there was a lot of friction between her and Arwyn in those early years though much of that was water under the bridge by the time we got married. Her father would end up divorcing this second wife as she persisted in drinking and he was trying his best to remain in recovery. That second divorce was messy and devastated his finances to the point where there was very little left for the children after he died.

I liked my mother-in-law for the most part. Met her even before Arwyn and I were a couple, and she took a liking to me right off. Not that it would last, but we were always on cordial if not friendly terms. For the most part, I got along with her family.

It took a little longer for my own mother to really get to know and accept Arwyn because of some things that she noticed right after my oldest son was born. Arwyn was a VERY protective mother, to the exclusion almost entirely of me. By the time this blog began its life, they were getting along well for the most part. And as I said last entry, she is up visitng my parents right now whilst my youngest is on Spring Break.

The other thing about family of origin that might be somewhat beneficial (and just came to me) is dealing with the fall-out when our own children come back from their therapy sessions. They are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to relationships because of the defective autistic relationship that Arwyn and I have. And I use the term autistic knowing full well what it means, being on the spectrum myself and she might be too.

BUT the problem with dwelling on the family of origin like our first marriage counselor did is that it is like asking what color the drapes are while the house is on fire. Our marriage has been in crisis pretty much since 1999 (by Arwyn’s admission). We were married only in 1996. And I didn’t get really on board with how bad things were until around 2001 or 2002. Even though I knew we were in trouble well before then, I was very passive for a long time, hoping things might turn around. It was after our second son was born in 2002 that things got bad enough that I started reaching out and trying different things to save and salvage this sinking ship, not realizing that she had checked out already.

By the time we got what I would call a good counselor in 2013, we were already rebuilding our house with plans for us to have separate bedrooms. She did the best she could with what she had, but it was too little too late. I wish we had met with her the first round in 2009 when Arwyn was at least nominally willing to go through some motions. It might have saved some time to cut to the real issues. Instead, we dithered around with family of origin for over a year and it allowed Arwyn (and probably me) to sidestep all of the real issues that we needed to confront. Things that were right in front of us both instead of going through old history. I mean its wonderful studying history…I love it. I love looking at backstories of Ukraine and Russia, but the Ukranians need bullets not history books as there is an existential threat to their survival. And so it was with our marriage at that time. There was an existential threat that there was no intimacy or trust. Perhaps we were already too far gone even then. But our counselor at the time methodically drew out our family tree, developing it over the course of over a year before deciding to move to Alabama. Probably easier to draw family trees in a place where family reunions are pick-up joints!

Checklists – Part 1

Arwyn is out of town with my youngest visiting my parents, so I’ve had some time to myself. At some point in the last 2 days, I stumbled back to this blog and reread many of the entries and comments. It brought me back to some rather unpleasant realities. And I’m getting to a place of dealing with them. But don’t expect a lot of speed in this process as …well…it IS still me we’re talking about here, right?

But for some time I’ve been perusing some of the internet sites dealing with divorce. And what REALLY brought a more focused effort was rereading a post from 2009 where I related Arwin’s testimony in front of God and everyone that the reason she married me had nothing to do with love or attraction, but apparently God’s Will. The reaction of my readership at the time was pretty stark, unlike my own. My reaction upon reading that and the comments and my reaction was basically “What the fuck is my problem? What the fuck was I thinking??!?” I was kinda publicly emasculated and skewered right there and just rolled with it and smiled.

Maybe I should have done a Will Smith at the Oscars on her ass.

But it still kinda stuck with me. That testimony was given around August 2009 or so and I stopped initiating sex in October 2009. Or that’s the last time we had sex. The obligatory birthday sex. At least I had the sense to say “fuck this, I give up” at that time. But it was a partial measure only. She’s had 12 years to initiate anything she wanted and hasn’t done it.

Regular readers might note my distinct inclusion of certain invectives and colorful metaphors in this post that I don’t make it a general practice of using. My apologies to whomever gets offended at the assault on their virgin ears. To those who are offended; feel free to fuck off.

I just completed Patsy Rae’s checklist part 1 and part 2 is standing by. It was an interesting exercise. She sometimes uses some weird code in her introduction, referring to things that her regular readers no doubt fully understand. I’ve read enough to get the general gist, and the checklists are fairly straight forward. I’m not going to share every part, but enough that you can see and compare. Most of it won’t be news to anyone who had read me over the years. Or even to people landing here due to some bizarre search for putting things up their butt. This is something that exists and is a sad reality for SO many people. You fuck like rabbits before the wedding and then after….it all dries up accompanied by a myriad of excuses. I’m not entirely blameless in all this. However this blog is replete with a lot of ontrospection and emotional and mental gymnastics in dealing with all these shortcomings. I’m far from perfect. In fact, I’m a lot less than perfect than I even thought but we’ll get to that.

One of the first checklists dealt with withholding demonstrations of love. Talk is cheap and a person can say it all they want, but while lips may lie, the body betrays it. As you can see, there’s a lot of checkboxes there that apply. Feel free to compare your own situations. It’s also important to note that you’ll also be asked to list the ways YOU might be withholding love. And brothers and sisters, I’ll confess to at least half of those, especially in the last 12 years, although anything involving reciprocation is moot because she doesn’t initiate things like hugs or kisses, so can’t say how I would respond except probably in kind. If she’s stiff, I’m probably going to be too. And I’m not initiating either. Tried that, done that, got beaten down, and not even a T-shirt.

SO, how many ways are there to withhold sex? It turns out, there are a lot of ways.

To be fair, there are many items that I’m unsure about. I have no idea if she has masturbatory habits, and what they might be, so I left all of those blank. I’ve never caught her diddling or jilling and she’s never talked about it, much less asked for my participation. And her preferred sex position is her on top, which I was good with for quite awhile until I start feeling immasculated by THAT being a constant. It was all about her control, which might have been okay if it translated into some chastity play.

The list goes on…

[]

I had no idea andropause was a thing. Is this some new devilry I have to look forward to in my old age?

Lots of checked boxes there. Check, check, check, checking with a vengeance.

As it turns out, sex for a lot of people is a deeply emotional experience. How could I have known?

Kissing has happened when sex happened…but the memories are a bit fuzzy on those details as to how, when or even whether it happened. But Arwyn’s kisses are closed mouthed, stiff-lipped, no tongue at ALL times. A passionate kiss and a kiss out the door are pretty much the same. Of course, these checklists are not new news. But when you look at it this way, you must be asking yourself: “Why would anyone even want sex with a person like this?” I asked myself the same thing 12 or 13 years ago and that’s when I quit initiating. Moving on…

Damn….memories of “Date Night”

[]

Everyone, professional counselors and amateur hobby counselors alike always suggest setting aside time. Planning ahead to clear the calendar and eliminate distractions. Yeah I put it on the calendar and how did that work out? I remember putting a frowny face on the calendar when it didn’t work out (again) and so got kinda punished for that by…you know…no sex. There are also spaces below the checklist where you can add your own novel ways the mood gets destroyed. My addition was the waiting game. This is where we done all the chores, put the kids to bed early and I strip and jump into bed, my heart pumping all raring to go. And Arwyn has to clean the cat litter, make sure the doors are locked, maybe wash or clean something….

I’m less enthused. She was probably hoping I would just fall asleep. And of course it IS an hour later and she’s another hour more tired. She COULD have cleaned the cat shit AFTER (Are you done yet?), and perhaps I would have gladly and contently fallen asleep. Cause…no real cuddling afterwards, remember?

Oooh, if only….

Now honestly, I’m not sure she’s ever intimated I would get more sex if any of these conditions were met. I DID actually go on a weight loss jag that I blogged right here, and she was initially positive on this, even commenting that she liked being able to wrap her legs around me. But there’s always something else. Smoking used to be kind of a big one. Haven’t smoked since 2013, but of course I gained all the weight back so take one off the table and put another one back.

And then there’s the questions on inhibitions. Hers:

[]

Kinda got a giggle from “cervical kisses” No, I have no idea what that means. At first I thought it was oral sex, but how you kiss a cervix? Do tell! I would do that but Arwyn wants nothing of my mouth “down there”. Or my hands. Or even my penis, apparently.

Mine:

I have absolutely no idea what my body would do with a willing and enthusiastic partner at this point. My poor little cock might just turtle up in terror. But I’d still be totally game to do oral, manual or even hold the vibe if that’s what it would take.

There was also a section on pillow talk. In short, for us there was no pillow talk. Before, during or after intercourse. I think I did say the wrong thing once “See? That wasn’t so bad was it?!?” after she apparently liked what had happened after a long dry spell. He response to that was a longer, drier spell. Fuck if I’m opening my mouth after that!

SO…after all that, how do I feel?

Check ALLLL the boxes! Actually, I think my feminine spirit has been crushed along with my masculine spirit. And the Explain part was a required answer, so did my best.

So Patsy then asked if I thought my partner was without natural affection, based on a summation of all the checklists.

Gosh, y’think? I’m fucked. Figuratively of course.

Looking at that last checklist, there’s a series that talks about rising to your full potential. It’s all true. I’ve turned into a real underachiever in pretty much every meaningful area of my life. And this is something the withholding spouses simply do not get, how this one area can radiate out into so many other areas of life. It is the ultimate personal rejection. You simply can’t get more personal than a person’s sexuality. In the early part of our marriage, when I still had even a vestige of hope and self-confidence, I was able to achieve things. You were all part of it. The weight loss, the blogging and just generally producing content while working a full time job, going to school and rising in my career into a true high level of expertise. That rise came to an abrupt end in 2009. In a year, I would be jobless, gained weight back, not blogging (despite being unemployed) and dropped school altogether. While sporadic, I was producing in 2009, but a year later, you got what….2 posts? I’ve internalized all that shit. Over and over. Unattractive, unlovable and worthless.

It would be irresponsible of me to blame Arwyn for all of it. I have to own up to my own propensity to self-destruct. AND I chose to stick it out and put up with it. I elected to to stay within the confines of the confinement. It takes two, and I certainly did my part to burn down the house. Literally and figuratively. Arwyn could check all the same boxes as me as far as how she feels. I have put her through some tough trials over the years. I know it, and she knows she’s put me through it. We both got blame and the guilt that goes with it.

And that, my friends, is where I’m at. Looking for air…for some way…..out. For both of us. It’s a hard ass road ahead, but none of this has been easy so far. SO that’s what I’m looking at. A road that leads out of the wilderness.

The Struggle Against Nature

3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— ⁵ having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Paul’s 2nd letter to Timothy 3: 1-5

When looking over Patsy Rae Dawson’s site, the above scripture is revisited several times throughout, except she is using a different translation that includes “without natural affection” in verse 3 instead of the more generic “without love”. I’m thinking the NIV was taking a stab at being less controversial here in being less descriptive. Of course being “without natural affection” often gets construed as having unnatural affections e.g. homosexuality. However Patsy Rae takes an entirely different slant on this, equating the sexless marriage as being every bit as sinful as homosexuality is treated in the Old Testament.

Let me take a bit of a pause here to give a little more of an update since the heyday of this blog.

I had to really and truly search for my Bible in order to look up that scripture. I haven’t been to my church in years much less taught Sunday School. I’ve been to Arwyn’s church a few times; Easter and Christmas as a sort of family thing. My ears still ring from the loud drums and amplified contemporary music when leaving. My oldest still wears ear protection while attending, and sits way in the back. SO it’s a fair bit that I haven’t been a regular Bible reader, so in a sense I suppose revisiting this blog has resulted in finding it under the table under a pile of rubble and digging it out.

Arwyn still attends pretty religiously, along with the boys (the youngest is back from college) and last Sunday she gave me this booklet with a 30 day prayer guide. When dusting off my old Bible, I saw another small pamphlet that must have been the last lesson I ever taught at the adult Sunday school by Philip Yancy Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference. I once had the book and DVD’s and the study guide. Pretty sure that all went in the fire back in 2013. But the question he asks in the series is definitely one worth considering in this context. When Arwyn paassed me this prayer guide, I wonder what she was hoping. Hoping I would start going to church again? Hoping I would pray more? Pray for what?

Although I suppose there are worse things than taking up a life of prayer. Several years ago, I visited the fransiscan monastery nearby and picked up one of their books. Heaven knows I spend a good deal of time living like a monk, fairly solitary and keeping my thoughts largely to myself largely because few people really care about what they are. Arwyn loves to talk, but the conversations are largely one-sided. That’s her drug of choice; having someone listen to what she is saying. Fair enough but honestly, and this is just my own opinionated self speaking, most of what she is saying isn’t much worth listening to. A lot of it might be community gossip. much of it is complaining about something that is wrong and needs fixing. Things she isn’t able or willing to do herself and wants me to do. In a prior life I might have been a lot more eager to please her perceived notions about what I ought to do. But not now.

At some point, I might like to take Dawson’s self-assessment survey. But apparently it takes several hours, and I’m not at the point where I’m willing to spend that much time on it. Yet. But I might, and I might blog on it and see what it digs up. Blogging has always been a bit of a motivator for certain things for me. It lets me say things I want to say with no interruptions from someone else wanting to drown me out with their own voice. But another reason I haven;t attacked this survey is because I have a feeling I know where it’s going to point. But time will tell whether it is a transformative thing. Patsy Rae stayed in her marriage for 46 years, so I feel in pretty good company right there.

I still believe in things being able to be transformative. Beekeeping was one of those things for me. Before bees, I would look next door at my neighbor’s lawn and saw this:

A field of dandelions

While I was mowing regularly, trying to get my grass to look nice, they rarely mowed at all and all I saw was his weed seeds blowing into my lawn and my garden spaces. But once I got bees? I saw it entirely different! It was FREE PASTURE! Bees totally transformed the way I looked at a landscape. A neatly manicured green landscape was no longer even desirable. Areyn, with her suburban background could never see it the way I do and will insist that our lawn is cropped short, aided by my oldest who likes mowing. But getting bees altered my view of a landscape. Weeds aren’t weeds. They are fodder for bees and now chickens.

So there’s always a chance that this exercise might result in things re-aligning themselves into a more natural course. Although things have been the way they are for so long, my view of what’s natural has been pretty distorted. What is “natural affection?”

Many Ways of Escape

God wants you to love and enjoy passionate sex. He doesn’t trap anyone in a loveless marriage. He provides many ways of escape.

https://patsyraedawson.com/

It was a lot of fun responding to the comments from a couple years ago. Better late than never! Xavier, Aphron, Tajalude…you made my day. So many memories from old friends from the old days. Glad to hear from you, even though the circumstances haven’t changed much. And as I’m going to share, some informal research seems to indicate that things are not only going to not get better but are likely to get worse.

I stumbled across Patsy Rae Dawson’s website and it brought back a lot of memories of this blog. I’m overdue for another visit to the topic.

SO, what made me stumble across her site? What made me revisit this topic that I had seemingly and exhaustively covered throughout the life of this blog?

I’m approaching a bit of a milestone; retirement. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and at some point Arwyn and I are going to have to have a discussion about this topic and all of the planning involved in it. It involves a certain type of discussion that we haven’t had in a very long time. A discussion about our future. And that is a very anxiety-inducing thought. What sort of future are we looking at, here? And based on that discussion, is retirement even in the cards for me? Do I just keep going on, running myself into the ground until I keel over and die, like an old nag who has spent its life pulling the family plow?

I’m hoping to delve more into Patsy’s site in the future, but first things first. A bit of a status report. This is thankfully (or not thankfully) brief and fairly easy. Nothing much has changed since the last post at least as far as the sexual or intimate relationship between my wife and I. That is to say, it is nonexistent. We’re fairly cordial with dealing with the day-to-day business. But the underlying hostility is there for my part. I am seeing the other flaws, many of which were pointed out a looong time ago by my astute readership. Both my boys are pretty much self-sufficient. They both know how to cook (learned from me) and manage finances (also learned from me) and have a pretty good work ethic (which must have also come from me, though I don’t often feel particuarly ambitious). They can do their own laundry (score one for Arwyn). Arwyn does not have a job. She spends most of her days doing whatever she wants which is a lifestyle I kind of aspire to hence the serious look at retirement. I have hobbies that include beekeeping and raising chickens and gardening and (hopefully more) blogging and computer gaming. She doesn’t have any real discernable hobbies. Maybe photography? Is Facebook a hobby? She does enjoy camping, or at least spends a lot on camping equipment that makes camping more like an outdoor hotel. She takes the boys, since I kind of gave up on the camping, opting to be more of a homebody. I used to enjoy camping, back in the day, with other girlfriends but Arwyn’s intimacy anorexia kind of sucked the fun out of going anywhere with her.

So contrary to my last post, I’m not in a state where I’m content with the status quo. I suppose I’m somewhat resigned to it, but at the same time there’s a part of me that is not. As Aphron kind of put it, I’m kind of a hostage. But a hostage to what? My own sense of obligation and duty? OR, as I said, a twisted sort of morality? Why am I not beating my head against the bars of the cage? Maybe there’s this sense of comfort in the familiar that doesn’t require much effort. As I said, I’m not overly ambitious. I kind of chalk my lack of personal or professional ambition as one of the casualties of not being particularly supported by the one person who should be supporting me who has some real skin in the game. Except she doesn’t want to invest ANY skin. At all.

I’m kind of like my chickens. Chicken. They live in a pen surrounded by this very flimsy electric mesh fencing that doesn’t work but half the time, but it still keeps them in because they’ve been shocked at least once and by and large they get most of their needs met within the confines of their run. They get food, water and shelter. I get food, water and shelter where I am. I have a house with a yard big enough for bees, chickens and a garden. I have a relatively stable internet connection. If we got divorced, I would likely lose many or all of these things plus be on the hook for another decade in the salt mines.

And for what? The possibility to meet someone else who could string me along? I’m not exactly a George Clooney look alike. so basically I’d be leaving in order to be alone which is a state that I’m pretty much already in, except that I have a house and a yard.

Now I’m reminded of why I quit blogging about the subject; because it’s depressing. But obviously it’s something I’m not quite done with. It’s not done with me. And it’s not just lack of sex. It’s intimacy. Intimately touched, kissed or even hugged. I got none of that, which for a long time I acted like I was okay with. But I’m clearly not okay with it. It’s been over 10 years, you’d think I’d adjust.

The Secondlife, the gaming and earlier on, even this blog; they were all things I did to try to perform a sort of escape. Even the bees and chickens and gardening represent a type of escape. I used to spend a LOT more time in the yard back when we still shared a bedroom and bed and before I had my own room/office/space. I withdrew into my own world. Distractions to avoid what was going on, or not going on as the case may be. Some of these things are more productive than others, but they were things that, apart from work, gave me my own space, my own world and to some extent a different social outlet. People who read and comment at least act like they care, albeit from a safe distance.

It’s all just an escape of one sort or another. But I’m keen to explore the possibility of other types of escape I haven’t touched on before. Anyone have their own method of escape? Movies? Books? hobbies? church?

Is it possible to have a happy married life without any intimacy?

A couple of things have lead to me making a post here.  One was a fellow who commented on this post from April 2007 (yeah, almost 10 years ago!).   The other was another online forum where the title if this article was the question.  Below is how I answered that question.

I haven’t had any physical intimacy with my wife since 2009. I quit initiating and that was that. For 13 years I had begged, struggled and tried to alter all manners of my own behaviors and attitudes in order to make her want me. None of it worked. We went through 2 separate rounds of marriage counselling and her attitude did not change. She might want intimacy, but it’s not with me.

It’s very difficult being married to someone who treats you as if you are undesirable, unattractive and generally unappealing. I went through all the stages of grief from being hurt, to being angry to finally some semblance of acceptance. We now sleep in separate rooms and lead parallel lives, more or less.

So while I would never describe what we have as a “happy married life” that doesn’t mean I’m never happy. There are a couple of keys that have helped me be okay with this arrangement that I would never have chosen 20 years ago if I knew then what I know now. But honestly it isn’t all bad.

First I asked myself this: why would I want to be intimate with someone who seems to find me repulsive? My answer to this helped shut down all the begging and mental contortions I was putting myself through in some sort of vain attempt to get her to put out. I set out to reclaim myself and my own self-respect. I found other interests. Frankly the world is over pre-occupied with sex and guys are too willing to do stupid, ignorant and dangerously offensive things to get it. It isn’t worth it. And I can have intimacy with other people that don’t involve sex.

Secondly is this maxim: Just because you aren’t making each other happy does not give you license to make each other miserable. I still do things to take care of my wife and go out of my way to not cause her unnecessary grief. She’s not a bad person for not desiring me. In my most candid of moments, I’m not always keen on myself either! She’s allowed to have a preference. I don’t really desire her much anymore, either. But we can still function as a parental team and as just decent human beings. We don’t really argue and fight at all. But if we do, I am in a better position because I’m not as prone to emotional games and blackmail as I was 10 years ago. I stand on my own two feet and demand respect and am just as happy to give it back to her.

I’m a stronger person for all of this. I appreciate the life I have instead of pining for the life I could have had or should have had. We put up with each others faults. But the only intimacy we really share is our past and our history which isn’t all that great. No hugging, kissing, touching — but we’re also not unkind. It’s a rather odd and rather autistic relationship but we’ve somehow made it work longer than most other couples we know.

Why the Red Pill Movement Exists…

I saw this on Facebook and it brought me flying back to my blog as it totally triggered me.  I needed my safe space :-p

Monday….Tuesday…..Wednesday……Thursday……Friday….

She never used “we just had sex last weekend” which leads me to believe that they didn’t else that would be the first line on Monday.   I went through years of this.   Years.   Look back in the archives.   Begging and pleading and trying to connect and then the few times an advance was tolerated, it was more or less like this glory-hole thing where she makes it as clinical and unpleasant as possible.

SO….2009 I stepped off that treadmill and stopped initiating.  In one of our last ever counseling sessions, the coundselor did this little assessment, asking us each to to give a score for areas of concern on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most distressed and 1 being the least.   Money….health….kids….sex…..several things I can’t remember.  My scores were generally on the lower end as I was not too distressed about many things and even my frustration over lack of sex was maybe a 6 or 7.  I was getting ver it.  But Arwyn’s scores were all 8 or higher!  I was kinda surprised she had rated herself an 8 on sexual distress.  We never really pursued that line with this second counselor and I didn’t bother to follow-up.  After all, it had already been 3-4 years of being sexless.  While I do miss sex, I miss the good kind, not the crappy, begrudging “Here, get it over with” kind.  I found other interests, other hobbies.  Sex is a great thing but it’s not the only thing.  And honestly, most of the time it isn’t worth the trouble we go through to get it.

I watched a few other of her videos and have a feeling that her little community might find itself over run with the Red-Pill, MGTOW crowd because she is sort of the arhctype stay-at-home mom, which is why so many other women love her.  And honestly, her video above nailed it perfectly and judging by the comments from other ladies it’s more the rule than the exception.  One fellow did run a translation in the comments that basically shows how a guy feels after getting rejected repeatedly.  Kudos to him, but he’s still in the early stages of this.  Basically in the early stages, us guys are pretty pussy addicted.  We’ll do anything to get it.   We’ll run ourselves into the ground for it.  We’ll beg, plead, try to reason and persuade.  We’ll bargain, even settling for terribly lopsided deals to get it.   That’s actually what marriage has become– the lopsided deal where the women hold all the cards and the men have none.

The idea is that marriage is where sex gains legitimacy between a husband and his wife.  That’s where it is supposed to be the most frequent and at its best.  Didn’t turn out that way for me though.  It became a source of frustration and conflict until it got to the point where there was so little pleasure compared to the cost where it wasn’t worth risking rejection.  Certainly not worth a fight.  And generally I’m happier and better off without constantly wondering if I did the right thing, did enough things, did pleasing enough things or if the odds were in my favor.