Same Old Same Old and Complacency

September 4, 2011

Thank you all, whoever commented on my last V-day post!  I have no idea what prompts a post today except perhaps boredom or maybe just wanting to share a thought or two.  Labor Day Weekend for us U.S. folks.

OH…now I know what prompted me.  On a whim I was reading a few blogs in my blog feeds on a Google.  I don’t read much anymore at all, but caught a few from old friends who have published recently.  Always Aroused Girl is as prolific as she ever was, in more ways than one, although she recently complained of a 5 month sexual dry spell.  Ha!  I could do that on my head!  And have many times over…well…not all on my head.  That might be painful.

Gotta hand it to Xavier who keeps on plugging away with some pretty funny things. You have to laugh sometimes, because crying all the time just gets boring.

And finally, FADKOG, who continues to be regularly entertaining and funny.  These are the only three out f all the folks I once had in my google reader who showed up the past month.  Of course if the address or the feed changed, then I would lose people from that.  Or if you went and made it password protected.

Last entry I wrote spawned a number of comments about how complacency has set in for those in sexless marriages.  I think complacency might be something that many who have struggled with this situation would actually sort of hope to attain.  I mean we have moved past the fighting and the struggling and the bitterness, right?  Right?

Yeah, I am pretty complacent.  But I would not say that the bitterness is something that will ever completely go away.  I spent the best years of my life being absolutely sexless and hating it.  I’m bitter about both the sexless part and the hating it part.  I might have spared myself a lot of heartache if I could have discovered complacency a lot sooner!  But then…this blog would never have existed either.  Frustration and bitterness seems to be a rather powerful artistic muse.  Many of us have spent countless hours banging our frustrations away on the keyboard and publishing thoughts for the amusement of others.  And I have no regrets about that.  All that frustration sort of brought together a community of awesome people.

I know there are tons of people in the same boat as me.  So many, in fact, that I am a bit surprised when I come across someone who has been married for over 10 years with a couple of children who actually have full, satisfying and interesting sex lives.  THEY are the freaks, not me. *I* am one of the normal ones!  I always root for the youngsters getting married, but wait long enough and the old song begins to play again.  One of them loses interest and so the bed becomes a fairly cold and lonely place.  Many fights, quarrels and battles ensue as tension and discord runs high.  A power struggle ensues as each desperately tries to ‘win’.  At some point, the struggle gets so fierce that it tears a couple apart.  They go their separate ways.  And some will remarry and the struggle might start all over again.

But for the rest of us, Complacency sets in.  Complacency becomes a higher state of being that allows us to go through the motions and find joy in other things.  Complacency allows me to enjoy my children instead of resenting them for all the energy they took away from the marriage.  Besides, all that was just a bullshit excuse…it was NEVER their fault.  Arwyn just used them as convenient shields for her selfish lazy-ass behavior.  If it wasn’t them, it would be some allergy, sickness, tiredness, project…whatever the hell latest stress.

Complacency allows us to exist in a passionless space without a lot of fighting, arguing and drama.  As long as I am willing to forgo any illusion of passion, we can get along just fine.  In fact we get along better because I don’t have to listen to her bullshit excuses anymore.  In fact, I sorta quit listening to her complaints in general.  Complacency gives me permission to tune her out and not be bothered by whatever paranoid fear might be driving her at the moment.  I don’t feel like I have to fix anything because I accept that she is unfixable by any intervention that I might possibly conceive.  If she is unwilling to fix herself, it sorta saves me the bother of having to support her self-improvement efforts!  And she returns the favor, totally.  She never supported my efforts to stop smoking in any meaningful way, so my recovery is not dependent upon anything she may or may not do.  Complacency is pretty convenient and useful that way.

The main problem with Complacency is that while it allows you to live, it sorta sucks out any real internal drive to do anything beyond living.  Complacency is a rather passionless state of existence, being neither painless nor painful.  It is just sorta there, and numbs the pain of whatever one might be lacking so there is little incentive to strive for anything better and richer.  In a sense, it is settling for what you have without the better and happier relative of Contentment.  Complacency is sort of the gray boring area between Contentment and Discontent.

You don’t actually have to DO anything if you are Complacent, which is a good thing since it seems to occupy a space of extremely low energy.  To be anything other than complacent would require more energy.  Even happiness and contentment require some energy to protect and maintain them.  Complacency demands very little and gives very little in return.  But it has the virtue of being a very low-risk proposition, in that you pretty much know what you are getting once you reach this ultimate state of mediocrity.

Unlike apathy, complacency engenders more of a loss.  In apathy, nothing ventured nothing gained and who cares.  In Complacency, there is a capacity for caring and feeling, it is just choosing not to invest the energy to do anything about it.  I actually DO have a preference if given a choice but I seem to be in a state where nothing I like is on the menu so eat whatever is served.  What *I* like is not even offered and going somewhere else involves more of a battle than I am willing to fight.  So complacency allows me to swallow the the daily mushy gruel without throwing up.

Cheers to complacency!  I would toast with something stronger than sweet tea but just got over a hangover from last night’s indulgence.  Yes, Complacency allows me to indulge in other vices.  In fact, those vices sort of help attain and maintain this higher level of tolerance and acceptance.