Blessed Are The Meek

July 31, 2005

07/31/2005

Sunday

The last day of a long month. Made so much longer by the fact that my attempts to connect with Arwyn has resulted no sexual encounters of any kind in this month. Zero. Nada. Nil. Zilch. Zip. Not even one handjob.

Being married to a sexual anorexic is the shits. Perhaps I’m better off in the long run since I am atoning for my sins in this life so I can enjoy the next. When thinking about Heaven I’ve often wondered what it would be like. It has been described as the most wonderous place beyond all imagination. Better that an orgasm. Can you imagine? Experiencing that oneness with our chosen mate is God’s gift to us, and is just a small speck of what lies ahead if we can just persevere. Imagine how so many of us jeopardize our salvation in pursuit of these little specks of Heaven like chasing fireflies when the True Light is waiting. Fireflies whose light goes out moments after catching them. Heaven is one eternal orgasm that never ends. Christians don’t normally use such language when describing the other side, but maybe they should. Islamists offer 70 virgins to men for blowing themselves (along with innocent women and children) up and cutting off the heads of infidels and they seem to have an abundance of volunteers. Maybe offering an eternal orgasm would have broader appeal, especially in conjunction with doing kind, right and proper things.

I’m supposed to be teaching a Sunday School lesson to our adult class of couples our age. We rotate teaching and teachers, and next week is my week. The topic of the season is the Beattitudes, and I drew Matthew 5:5, othwewise known as “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

What do you think of when you think of the meek? Are you meek? Is being meek a good thing? How would you feel if people thought of you as a meek person?

If you’re like me, you probably think meek is weak. It is a weak-sounding word. It rhymes with weak, squeak, geek and freak. Not exactly a very noble association of descriptors there. Being known as a meek person hardly seems very complimentary. But maybe by the end of this entry you can see that it is not only a noble thing to be meek, but desirable and powerful.

Jesus didn’t expand much on this verse, but He didn’t have to. The full and entire text of this thought is found in Psalm 37. There, we can see that meek is not weak. Go ahead, crack open that Bible. Find that Psalm. In it we find a comparison of the virtuous with the unvirtuous. The righteous with the unrighteous. The good with the wicked. Six times in chapter 37 we see the meek inheriting the earth. The psalmist does not always use the word meek, but the theme is consistent throughout. The meek shall inherit the earth while the wicked will be cut off.

The 37th Psalm speaks of the wicked lying in wait and persecuting those who are righteous. It speaks of those who are righteous taking their refuge in the strength of the Lord. Consider this:

If you are going to inherit something, you have to survive. You have to endure. You have to wait. These are the virtues talked about in Psalm 37 and brought up by Jesus. Jesus was reminding His listeners (and us) that it is worth the wait, the struggle and the pain. It is the wicked who live for the moment and the day by stealing, robbing and otherwise victimizing others. And God assures us that they will NOT inherit anything but grief in the end.

In order to be meek, one must be patient, one must persevere and one must have faith. Patience, perseverence and faithfulness are the hal marks of the meek. These are not weak things. These are characteristics that describe the most powerful force on the planet. The force of water.

Water seemingly gives way to anything that comes in contact with it. You put something in water, and the water yields to it by giving way. Water seems spineless and weak and doesn’t even have a shape of its own. And yet water wears down all mountains and all rocks and turns them to dust. Waves break up all shores and rivers erode every bank they travel through. Not all at once. But over time. Long, steady and unrelenting water does what it does.

This is the strength of the meek. Jesus assured us that it is the meek that are going to be around to inherit the earth. Inherit the earth from whom? From the wicked who are cutting their faces off to spite their noses. If we are going to be meek, we need to understand that we are not to inherit the earth and then cease to be meek, turning into copies of the former lords who knew little humility. The meek are not vanquishing anyone. As it says in Psalm 37, the wicked’s swords and arrows will turn upon themselves. They will stumble over their own pride and vanquish themselves.

Ironically, if I want to learn the power of meekness, my best teacher is Arwyn. Lots of folks have said that they are amazed at how I’ve stuck with her through this, the darkest and lonliest of times. The second I turn my sword upon her is the second I cease to be meek. That does not mean that I shouldn’t offer resistance. It means that I need to maintain my patience, perseverence and faith in the face of this struggle. This is a lesson I could never learn on my own free of conflict and hardship.

“There is a future for the man of peace.” Psalm 37:37

This is a race of endurance, not of speed. I look forward to the lesson being learned that this relationship is one worth fighting for. Not fighting in the sense of returning evil with evil, but of resisting that temptation to abandon it all in favor of starting anew. The psalmist encourages us by offering an inheritance that will endure forever. But to get any inheritance, one needs to stick around. And only the meek have that ability. To be otherwise means to join the wicked.

“Refrain from anger, and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil. For the evil will be cut off but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the earth. A little while and the wicked will be no more, though you look for them they will not be found. But the meek will inherit the earth and enjoy great peace.” Psalm 37:8-11

Being meek is the way to go, especially considering the alternative. We live in a world that extolls aggressiveness at the epense of others. The Bible assures us that any gains enjoyed from this are temporary, at best.

I am so far from having this teaching etched on my heart as it should be. But I am in a position to have it eventually chiseled in, bit by bit if I’m willing to endure the temporal pain in order to reap the greater reward.

D.

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Eggs Rolled in Sand

July 30, 2005

07/30/2005

Saturday

There is one very real downside to doing what I do with the chastity the way I’m more or less forced to do it. Wearing the cage produces a lot of excitement, tempers my resentment and encourages better habits all around. There can also be a substantial rebound effect.

Last night, I was able to unlock right on schedule. I set the lock again for next time, and then took off the CB3000. It felt good to be free of it, but there is always a certain wierd feeling of me missing something right afterwards. Anyway, Arwyn put the boys to bed and then went to bed herself around 9 or so. I soon joined her and spent some time cuddling and kissing. Keep in mind that I had already asked for adult time the day before. It is also worth noting that she complained of a stomach ache as soon as I walked in the door after work. And then proceeded to give both boys haircuts which is akin to bathing two 50 pound cats.

While trying to kiss, she was pushing and grimacing. I asked what the deal was. She said it was the noises my kisses make. Since there is no open-mouth kissing allowed, they do tend to smack and pop. I asked her to show ,e how she’d like me to kiss. She refused. I asked what is wrong. She said lots of things. I asked for an example and she said the money issues and her job issues.

So we talked about that for quit some time. Our youngest, Elmo, is being a bear for potty training, and is slated to go into a preschool where Arwyn will be working part time. Trouble is they require that all 3 year-olds be potty trained. Most daycares and preschools do. So Arwyn is wondering if Elmo will be allowed to attend and if not, she’s out of a job. “Job” being defined as 2 days a week from 9-12:30 earning about $8 an hour. I suggested that maybe this might not be the job for her and there might be other possibilities and we discussed these possibilities including doing daycare on her own for one other child to start out. She liked this line of conversation and we discussed possibilities and sources of information.

An hour later, I tried again. Kissing and cuddling. No touching allowed as each time I’d get near a breast my hands and arms were pushed away. I’m spooning her in her regular clothes sans bra and wrapped up in her rug/blanket. She just wasn’t going to cooperate at all. She’d kiss but not offer anything one way or another in the way of feedback. I tried to make my kisses less noisy. Not an easy task when confined to fish kisses. I held and cuddled as she drifted off to sleep. She was actually sleeping with her head at the right end this time.

Actually she did cooperate in one aspect. She did keep her back to me so I was able to get a towel and jerk off in relative peace. I had a nice and lovely orgasm. All my stored jism came spewing forth into a towel, while all the anger and resentment poured forth into my head. I was so pissed. I didn’t want to spend any more time near Arwyn. It was only 11:30, so I got up, had a smoke, ate some junk food, watched some porn and drank half a bottle of wine, staying up until after 2:00 a.m.

Actually, I didn’t watch porn. It was Return of The King but porn fits better in the list of sins and vices I felt justified in engaging in. And I felt like engaging in more. The problem with using a chastity cage as a dam against resentment is that when it is removed it can result in some severe flooding. Arwyn simply aggrevated it more with her sick, stupid, fucking frigid, sexually anorexic ways.

Trying to get sex with her nowadays is like trying to force a fried chicken leg down a vegetarian anorexic. There’s simply no enticement for someone to like something they despise.

In the movie Goin South Jack Nicholson plays an outlaw in the post-civil war west. He’s about to be hanged but the authorities offer him a deal. He can have his life spared if he gets married to one of the local women, since there is a severe man shortage. He can’t imagine his good luck at being selected by a young, attractive woman (A young Mary Steenburgen) thus sparing his life. She procedes to force him to work in in her gold mine. Soon, he begins to wonder if he would have been better off being hanged. One of his old outlaw buddies (Played by Danny Devito) asked him how he liked being married. He described it as being like eating eggs rolled in sand.

That seems to pretty much describe the reality of being married to Arwyn. Working the mine and eating eggs rolled in sand.

D.


Within Limits

July 29, 2005

07/29/2005

Friday

I’m definitely in the zone today. There’s a certain point where frustration gets to be rather delicious. There are times when it is simply annoying and times when it even might get depressing. And then times like now that are electric.

Arwyn actually cooperated with this as we were able to spend a certain amount of time cuddling and snuggling this morning and I asked her if we could have some together adult time. She said she supposed. I asked her how she was feeling and she said that her hip and back were bothering her. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt her so if she wanted to use her hands that would be quite fine with me.

I also discovered a new feature on the Timelock program that could come in handy. There’s actually an “extend” button allowing extensions of an hour, 6 hours, one day, 1 week and 4 weeks.

The question came up as to whether Arwyn knows or even cares if and when I’m locked up. In the early days, I would put on the cage, walk up to her and she would lock the lock. When she was holding the keys she determined how long. Then when I started with the timelock, she would occasionally ask me how long. But most of the time, she would just know once I started getting up the wee hours of the morning. And if there is any doubt, I’ll just change my underwear when she’s around or jump in the shower while she’s still in the bathroom. Not a lot of doubt then and it does attract attention and she does look.

We’ve talked about it before, and she has said that she thought wearing the cage would be a good idea. But she has never ever really pressed it. She is generally lassaiz fare about it. When I tell her my reasons for wearing it, she thinks it’s a good thing. She is simply going to have a minimum of involvement in this. And this chastity business is a partial accomodation of that. The idea is that if sex is aversive I might be able to make it less so by removing the aversive aspects of it. In this case a lot of the time, effort and thought. Of course, time, effort and thought are the exact things that make sex between married couples fulfilling in the first place. The idea is to try to work towards that. The work of the cage increases the quality of my experiences either with Arwyn or without her. Having an enthusiastic and active partner is certainly a fantasy of mine but I need to work within whatever limits I have.

D.


It’s Not Entirely Unselfish

July 28, 2005

07/28/2005

Thursday

Over the past 4 days, Arwyn and I have had our affectionate moments and not any real fights or conflicts, which does mean something. True, me being in chastity is not going to do much to increase the quantity of our sexual encounters although historically it really has. What being locked up for extended periods of time does for me is to increase the quality of every encounter.

Anyone who has spent an extended period of time ramped up with sexual desire and deprived of an orgasm can vouch for the power involved in the eventual release. This is what foreplay is all about. It’s about increasing the potential energy like stretching a rubber band more and more. The tighter the rubber band is stretched, the more energy involved in the eventual relaease.

Women seem to be able to go without indefinitely provided there is no cause for being aroused. For men, the biological imperative alone is powerful enough to keep things from gettting too settled and stale in most cases. Even the men who aren’t initiating sex with their partners are seeking out porn and other forms of stimulation.

Being locked in chastity keeps that energy building and compounding over a longer period of time. If I’m locked up for a week, that means there is the potential for a week’s worth of foreplay. Ever done a week’s worth of foreplay? Most men don’t give more than 10 minutes, if any. With that biological imperative for release as quick as possible driving a man, it is in his nature to be goal driven where his partner may be more process driven. Once a man has his orgasm it is all but over as his body is flooded with relaxation and contentment. It’s all about him and his body, his feelings, his goals and his orgasm.

Chastity changes that dynamic entirely. Now it becomes about the partner’s approval, happiness, contentment and joy. Make a man less selfish and he will more loving.

I’m coming out this weekend, with or without Arwyn’s participation. After my doctor’s appt. on Monday I might go back in for another week to 10 days. I’m thinking about going for a run at a new personal record of 3 weeks. Whew! I’m filling up my cage just thinking about it!

Okay, so it’s not entirely unselfish. I richly enjoy the frustration of a good tease. I enjoy feeling my own body ramping up with desire and sensuality. I enjoy the crisper vision that my increased sensuality affords. Colors take on brighter hues, smells are more vibrant, voices more harmonic and touches are more electric. My mind, usually a paragon of rational, aloof and logical virtues becomes bent into a more empathetic, intuitive and relational attitude. It’s as if my sensual and sexual powers become otherwise redirected. This is exactly what tantric practioners are after.

I’m noticing that it is taking longer for me to climb to that level. Arwyn is generally not keen to tease and any suggestion to do so is met with a face as if I’m a pervert. Okay, I am a pervert but she sees it as a bad thing. This lends yet more creedance to her being a sexual anorexic. I can guilt and pressure her into sexual performance but that isn’t supposed to be what an intimate relationship is about.

D.


Chastity: What it is and isn’t

July 27, 2005

07/27/2005

Wednesday

Sorry I’m not able to comment as much as I ought. I was busy doing a birthday production.

I do try to read everyone, though.

I try to couch answers to comment questions in subsequent entries, so as to not drop the ball entirely, but I do wish I could do a more personal job of it.

I think I need to talk a bit about what chastity is and what it is not for some of the guys who especially seem to struggle with this concept.

First off, this is not punishment. Chastity could be used as punishment, but the rule of the road is that it is strictly consensual. There is no such thing as a device that is totally secure as anyone with a dremmel tool or bolt cutter can easily escape. A lot of guys fantasize about such a device, but we are in because we want to be in. We can be compelled to be in for extended periods of time for punishment but in the end we choose to agree.

Chastity is not the same as sexual celibacy or abstinance. When abstaining, it is generally seen as avoiding sex altogether in the same way an alcoholic avoids alcohol. Abstainence is not a virtue. It is a strategy to avoid something that is usually or potentially bad. Celibacy is similar in that it implies sexual abstainence, or generally avoiding sex. Neither of these are particularly virtuous because they only involve certain behaviors. You can be celibate and still fuck as many women, men or animals as you want inside of your head.

Chastity, OTOH, involves the head as much as the rest of the body. In marriage it involves the singularity of thought and focus on one and only one partner. While celibacy and abstainence are good concepts for preventing pregnancy, STD’s and general sinful whoremongering, these do little to cultivate character. Chastity involves the promotion and cultivation of devotion, loyalty, and disciplined thought. Chastity in marriage is a move towards greater intimacy, not keeping it at arms distance.

I suppose one would argue that this is all well and good, but shouldn’t one be able to do this without a locked cage around your cock? True, one should be able to resist the entire spectrum of sins ranging from greed, gluttony, envy and malice. But we still have jails, diet pills, safes and mace to guard against them. Reality is that it’s easier talking about resisting some of these than actually doing them.

A cock cage is a heavy deterrent, plus a near constant reminder as to its own purpose. It is a functional extension of a wedding ring.

My strategy was never to punish Arwyn by making myself inaccessible to her. The strategy has always been aimed at lowering her anxiety and opposition and increasing her enjoyment. If she wouldn’t play with me by having sex, I’m trying to turn it into something fun about NOT having sex!

It’s a bonafide kink. I’m not necessarily a pony boy or sissy maid, as I could just as easily be a top. Part of what goes with this kink is a love of contradictions. There is pleasure in my pain. There is dread in my anticipation. There is marvelous reassurance in my anxiety. I reluctantly lock up while feeling compelled and drawn to do it. I savor the deliciousness of my frustration. I long to indulge my selfish fantasy of serving and submitting.

This is a journey to my innermost thoughts and feelings. It is a sort of spiritual sensuality. A divine hell of a sort. A blessed curse. Or a cursed blessing.

A body that is into selfish and instant gratification will not get it and will not tolerate this sort of thing. If jacking off is working for you, stick with that. Most men do poorly with orgasm on demand. They become self-indulgent, selfish bastards. Men also do poorly with neglect, as they can just as easily justify becoming selfish bastards. Either way is a sure and short path to resentment.

This is the kink of contradictions and internal conflicts. Lots of BDSM folks would probably fall into that category, altho I don’t consider myself a real part of that scene. Of course I’m a bit off my rocker for being into this. That’s why it’s called a KINK! If everyone understood, then they’d all be into it and then I’d just be as vanilla as the rest of you. And then what would I have to blog about?LOL!

I really am enjoying some of the bug-eyed responses from newer folks, tho. I mean most of my readers seem to be pretty open and intelligent. Those who came in from Sensual Dementia had some idea of what was coming up. Those who didn’t read my earlier blog and previous post on the subject really are getting their money’s worth! If you haven’t, go back and read that post because it does describe how my very vanilla self discovered and got into this kink.

Once y’all recover from shock, I do hope you can appreciate and enjoy the story.

D.


Day 2

July 26, 2005

07/26/2005

Tuesday

Day 2

Well, maybe some people are getting.it.

Last night started okay, with me doing some serious spooning & her wiggling her butt about teasing. But Arwyn ended up leaving and sleeping on the couch in a huff. I fell asleep on my back which resulted in some pretty loud snoring. What can I say? I was tired from making a birthday carrot cake from scratch and marinating bourbon chicken for dinner the next night and cleaning and doing dishes. I fell asleep snoring. So sue me.

However, with me being up and down a couple or 3 times during the night, it might have been okay. In anycase it was okay this morning as I was able to make breakfast, feed the one boy who was up, did the dishes, took out the trash all before leaving for work.

According to the Timelock, I’m due out sometime Friday. I’ll probably stay out the weekend, since I have a physical on Monday. Then we’ll have to play it by ear.

Square1 suggested staying locked up for an extended time until her desire came around and then finding some way to make it all about her satisfaction. I would do this, but the Timelock has a maximum of 5 weeks, 6 days and 23 hours. It’s been 6 weeks since we did anything sexual and she wasn’t all that interested, then.

However, the idea isn’t without some merit in that an improved emotional climate might actually bring her around emotionally and mentally. I’m not opposed to going for and setting new personal lock-up records. I think my personal best was 16 days done last year some time. At least it would give me something extra to write about.

Wearing the CB3000 at work is not a huge deal. I wear loose fitting khakis to work but even tighter pants aren’t a huge deal. No one spends much time looking at a guy’s crotch. Once, a young lady did point out that I had my zipper down. That was kind of embarassing, but maybe the cage made me look like I was really packing which attracted her attention. I dunno. But I spend most of my working day not even thinking about it. At least until I have to pee. Then I have to sit down which suits the women who live and work around me just fine, I’m sure. It does serve as an inescapable reminder. A potentially hot one if I had a real keyholder.

When on the job, even working around attractive women I don’t usual feel a lot of arousal. Off work, is a different story. Last night while cuddling Arwyn, she was watching some HGTV show. When a commercial came on, she switched over to one of those E! shows, showing women in bikinis and thongs. That wouldn’t have done a lot for me except I was already spooning her and straining the cage. The images on TV were just sauce for the goose.

While cuddling, hugging, spooning and generally holding Arwyn causes me to get erect, enough endorphins are in my system while just being physically loving with her that it is not that painful. It’s when she or I have to walk away that I really feel the pinching, pulling and discomfort. Just thinking about it can get me going. I’ll have to share more later.

D.


Incline

July 25, 2005

07/25/2005

Monday

Told you things would get interesting, once we got into cage mode. I’m sure Satan isn’t the only one who favors that part of the story line.

Yesterday, I was fine with being locked up. I don’t think Arwyn had any idea but by morning I’m sure she knew. Foolish habits die hard, and I did stay up until nearly midnight reading y’all’s blogs. Usually, the first night goes fairly easy with maybe one wake-up erection. However last night it was not. I was awakened at 3, 4 and 5 with some pretty tough wood. Most guys have absolutely no idea that their little scamp is up and down throughout the night until they wake up with their morning wood. I suspect this is linked somehow to REM sleep, where a guy is so deep in, he has no idea he is getting hard. And the erections get harder and more persistent as the night wears on until that 5 a.m. express comes in and it takes a good 30 minutes to calm things down. The earlier times, I just get up, pee, get something to drink and am ready to sleep another hour or so. It’s not that big a deal.

I’m sure Arwyn knew by the time I woke up for two reasons. First, she’s a light sleeper and when I’m locked up it is the only time I am up and down like that. Normally, I sleep like a rock all night long. Also, I snuggled up to her a little extra intimately this morning after we were both up and she let my hands get a little friskier than normal. When I’m locked up, that’s the only time she loosens up that much. She still flinches if I kiss her too much, but is generally more accepting of my touches.

The key question most people have about being locked up is “What do I get out of it?” I lose sleep, I have to pee sitting down, risk embarrassment, and my mind is being bent. These are all aspects leading to a higher sensory state of being for me. Keep in mind that my sensory threshold tends to be quite broad and quite high. It takes quite a lot to satiate me. Wearing the cage brings that threshold down significantly. Not as low as Arwyn’s, but into a range where I can get more enjoyment from less. Touching her in any way becomes more positive and more powerful. After a few days, just the sound of her voice can give me more enjoyment as opposed to the annoyance it usually provokes in me. I do have anger control issues and being caged makes me less prone to be a prick and softens me up over time.

Arwyn gets an environment that is a lot less tension-filled, definitely more affectionate and more loving. While she doesn’t always respond the way I’d like, she does respond somewhat to the improved atmosphere. For the duration of my lock-up, she absolutely knows that my advances and touches are NOT going to lead to any sex, at least for me in the conventional sense. No matter how much we kiss, cuddle, hug or otherwise touch I’m not getting out of the cage. I also benefit because I have the same reassurance. I don’t have to wonder “Will she or won’t she?” It ain’t happening no matter what! And we BOTH know it for certain.

Since Arwyn isn’t holding the keys, there’s no pressure on her at all. She doesn’t feel pressured to release me and she can’t so she has no reason to feel manipulated. And I have no reason to manipulate.

I know there are folks who will absolutely not get this. It is a foreign way of thinking, having a considerable amount in common with Tantric practices. Enforced chastity is a good and handy way to wring out resentment and heighten feelings, sensations and thoughts in a much more positive direction. If some additional teasing were added to the denial you’d really be in for a radical transformation. As it is, this is a gradual incline to higher planes. I’m sure I’ll spend time on this in the forthcoming days as it comes to dominate my free thoughts more and more.

D.