Topping From The Bottom

December 30, 2005

If there was ever a cardinal rule in D/s play, it is that a sub should not "Top from the bottom." This mainly means (to me) that a proper sub does not manipulate or direct a scene to suit his/her own selfish ends The sub lives to serve the Top, and to do what he/she is told. A sub should know her/his place. That's part of what being a sub is, and one can't be a good, trusting sub without total submission.

I wish I lived closer to Jane, because I think it would be fun to explore some of the play she's into. It's not the hardest core D/s but it's definitely part of the scene and appeals to me. Her and her playmate take turns tying each other up. While it is not always overtly sexual, it has been.

Topping from the bottom is exactly what I want to do. The hottest thing to happen to me in years, happened just a couple of weeks ago. Getting my wife fully naked and the vision of her stretch out on the bed beneath me gets me going every single time. The fact that I was fully clothed and caged adds so much more to it. Fact is, in those short moments, as I ravished my wife's naked body with touching and kissing I was feeling a bit domly. I could see myself getting into Domspace. Not very far, but just a bit.

But I was also caged. As my cock strained against the cage, I was also experiencing subspace. I was experiencing subspace and Domspace at the exact same time. Granted it wasn't much of a scene, but it gave me a little taste. And I liked it. I'd like to taste more someday.

JeN actually hit a sweet spot with a recent post on the subject. I wanted to be the one to make and leave the marks. I want to tie Jane up. I want to spank Bliatz's bottom until it is cherry red. I want to tie Chelsea Girl down, take a vibrator and take her again and again and again while whispering sweet profanities into her ears.

All while being securely locked up in my cage. I want to feel mastery while being subjugated. Domspace and subspace at the same time. I want to simmer in the sweet contradiction of both of these. It's more than merely being a switch. I want both roles at once. Does that make sense to anyone? Or am I totally kinked beyond all redemption?

D.


Subspace

December 29, 2005

I finally found a term that describes what happens after several days in the cage. And that's where I'm at now. It's a process of ascention that gradually increases over time. The process can be enhanced and quicken through greater intimacy with Arwyn and it becomes a sort of cycle. More subspace = more attraction = more attionion which leads to a greater level of subspace.

Last night I was deep into it as Arwtn and I cuddled and just talked about stuff. Holding her and being held helped sink me deeper into that space, with the cage in a near constant grip. My cock is in a hypersensitive state brought on my not touching it or anything touching it besides the cage. Over the course of our talk, Arwyn became more open to being touched and held and became more open to touching and holding me. It was divine. No mention was made of being unlocked, and that would sort of defeated the whole idea. Yeah' I'm definitely looking forward to being let out, but I'm also liking where I'm at emotionally and mentally. Where Arwyn and I are at together.

Leela is wrong about not being brought together with chastity. A body will never feel better about someone by treating them badly. No one can be enticed into being treated better through poor treatment. Chastity helps me get into a space where I can traverse the intimacy gap between us. I go the extra mile, and Arwyn begins to respond to that. She is not prone to initiate the process, so the choice is to either let things fester or to begin some sort of healing of the breach. While in subspace, my own rights matter less. It is only by sacrificing some of that that I begin to get the attention that I'm really after.

Arwyn is not quite the cold fish I sometimes paint her as. She does respond to loving gestures and selfless service. She can be inspired by acts of affection and will reciprocate in the best way she knows how. If she decides to keep me locked up because she likes me this way, it is up to me not to complain about it. I'm not doing this just to get in her pants. I'm doing this to improve our entire emotional environment.

At some point she may ask if I want to be unlocked. This may be where I need to find the courage to say no. I like loving her this way. I like her loving me this way. I do not want to pressure her to think she has to meet my sexual needs. I want her to feel like she wants to meet my sexual needs. I don't want it to be a chore, I want it to be an exercise in greater intimacy.

I can not get into this space while I am indulging in and catering to my own selfishness. It just is not going to happen. Subspace is just a more loving and giving place. It's not a convenient place, and it is sometimes a pain in the ass. The chastity cage is just my means of getting there, and once I get to a certain point, Arwyn begins to respond which brings me even further in.

Not everyone can or will do this and I'm okay with that. Leela and Pheonix have a more balanced rrelationship that does not seem to require extraordinary measures to keep it going. Just playing with it can be fun, as many guys have discovered. If a guy is open to it, go for it. Phoenix, by virtue of being open to giving it a try, demonstrates a lot of security and trust and confidence. No wonder Leela is so into him!

D.


Good Question

December 28, 2005

0272 asked…

Does keeping yourself caged make Arwyn feel as if she has to participate? If so, do you fear that this is a round about way of controlling her?

In the early days of my chastity, I did make some mistakes and this was a major one. I thought about buying a chastity cage long before I finally actually did it. By the time I forked over the money, I had already been reading about it for months. Arwyn had no idea. And since she hasn't read up on it, she is still somewhat in the dark about it. Nut I did try to prepare her a but. I wrote her a long letter basically asking her if she would help me be faithful. I asked her to take the lead with our sexuality. But I'm sure she never imagined the chastity cage. When I finally showed it to her, she was very hesitant. But she did really try to have a go at it.

We did have a contract that first summer. Arwyn abided by it, but did not really enforce it. There was no teasing sessions, no punishment or even consequences. Arwyn let me out every 3-4 days, just what the contract said. My contract was modelled after some others I found on the net. If a guy is looking to convince his wife to get into this, I would advise against such a thing. Otherwise, it does become a controlling thing and that's not what it's supposed to, at least in that sense. I wanted Arwyn to have her way with me, not the other way around.

If a woman wants to approach her man about getting into the cage, a contract makes much more sense and is a much better idea. But in either case, information is crucial. This can be a lot of fun and is for a lot of people. In 2003, over 1/2 million chastity devices were sold, according to a source linked on my right hand bar. It's bigger than one might think.

Back to the question: Arwyn did not like the pressure and basically gave my keys back. For any guy into this kink, that is the single most devastating thing a keyholder can do. It's more severe than extending lock up, than any beating or any CBT. It is the proverbial nuclear option.

Since then, I've had to learn to take things much slower and make them less intense for her. She does NOT have to participate if she doesn't want to. I have the Timelock and I use it. She knows that, and I make it fully available to her if she wants to extend my time with that. We arrived at a partial compromise last weekend where she has two keys available to her and I have two keys that I use with the Timelock. She agreed to keep her keys secret and safe. And that's it.

In the beginning, the answer to the questions were YES. Now I've gotten way less controlling. Arwyn might feel some pressure, but it's no different than the everyday pressure to have sex with her husband.

D.


Day 3

December 27, 2005

12/27/2005

Tuesday

I locked up on Christmas morning after my special Christmas Surprise. I'm thinking that was Arwyn's Christmas present to me. It's still no small thing as I cannot remember her making any overtures during any previous Christmas or any holiday, for that matter. So she must have been pretty happy with her Christmas haul. Still, it's more than about the sex or an orgasm. It is about intimacy, and we still have miles and miles and miles to go on that score.

Last night, after waking from my 2nd or 3rd hard-on, I decided to plug in the Aneros. The thing is comfortable enough to sleep in. I decided that if I'm going to be awakened like that, I might as well give the prostate a bit of work, and practice using those P.C. muscles. I should be getting to the point where I'm not waking as much pretty soon.

The draw towards Arwyn is definitely strengthened by the cage experience. This is made stronger by virtue of her actually holding the keys and gets amped up over time and as we share more physically intimate moments. When unlocked and taking care of my own business, I am less likely to seek her out, preferring to let her come to me. And since that is a fairly rare occurance, I'm left with a lot of resentment. So when jazzed up with the cage, I'm initiating much more and this tends to build even more steam over time. In a week, I'll be pretty in to her.

This is why orgasm-on-demand can be such a treacherous thing. If two people are so into each other that sex happens spontaneously and often enough, it can be a wonderful thing resulting in a very tight bond that can weather all manner of storms. But if one person is not into it, it becomes a major stumbling block and a storm unto itself. Masturbation, on the face of it, seems like a solution to tide the HL over until the LL comes around. But in actuality, it seems to sow more seeds of resentment. While no one that I know of gets married with an ideal of cellibacy, I've yet to meet anyone who got married in order to perfect their masturbation techniques. And yet there are scores of millions who seem to be living just that sort of life.

Masturbation quiets the physical urges that might lead a person to more assertive action. So the emotional poison remains while the physical drive to work it out is diminished. It's like taking a shit without having the kinetic energy necessary for a clean flush. It just keeps piling up, and greater energy is needed as more shit gets added to the pile. Soon, the plumbing is completely stopped up, and will take nothing short of a supreme effort to move things through. It stinks to high heaven and begins attracting unsavory critters and soon becomes intolerable enough to warrant the necessary attention. But at that point, it is a major bother. It's so easy for hopelessness and despair to set in.

Chastity, OTOH, is a choice. Longterm chastity might not be my first choice, but it is still a choice. A difficult choice, to be sure. It was C.S. Lewis that said no one can understand the true power of temptation except through resisting it. For if a person gives in, they will not know or understand the power it might have exerted had they endured further. The whole lock and cage business is just a matter of giving me sufficient time to consider my choices. And to consider them often. For everytime I have to sit to pee, everytime I wake up in the middle of the night with a caged hard-on or when theres a pinch of some sort from being confined in tighter blue jeans, I am confronted with the choice I have made. I am reminded and not allowed to passively forget.

D.


For Those of You Curious

December 26, 2005

Here’s a little guide that thought some of you might enjoy until I get something more substantial put up.

I’ve also made a few little changes on my right-hand navigation bar.

D.


The Santa Experience

December 25, 2005

12/25/2005

Sunday

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Okay, you are all dying to know. Too bad…Ha!

As evangelical Christian types, we (Arwyn and I) do have issues with the whole Santa business. Aside from being an anagram for SATAN, Santa is the primary tool for the mass consumerism that is Christmas. You can gift card and skimp on adults, but your kids are a different story. Not many 6 and 3 year-olds are ready for a Buy Nothing Christmas. But I am exceedingly proud of my kids for being massively appreciative of every gift they got, even the clothes.

Arwyn and I deal with Santa the same way we deal with other issues. Mainly, we avoid, sidestep and bypass it. In this case, it has served us well. We are not telling our boys that Santa doesn’t exist. Who needs the ire of other parents? In addition, they’ve both been watching the Polar Express DVD almost everyday for the past week. We have pictures of them sitting on Santa’s lap.

But Santa does not figure in to our family tradition. There is no mad rushing at 4 a.m. to see what Santa left under the tree. No leaving out milk and cookies or carrots for Rudolph. We have stockings, but don’t make a big deal about them. My kids (hopefully) will not have to have their first crisis of faith over a fat man in a red suit. To them, Santa is as real as Elmo, Big Bird or Barney the Dinosaur. I don’t hear about kids crying and falling to pieces when they find out Barney isn’t a real dinosaur. I don’t hear about parents getting all upset when someone tells their child that Elmo is just a puppet. They’ll figure it out when they’re ready.

We have never threatened our kids, telling them they’d better be good or Santa won’t come. Since Santa is not visiting our house, there is absolutely no need to create and reinforce the whole mythology. We are well on our way to negotiating our way through this cultural minefield. Our tradition is to go to Early church on Christmas Eve, go home and change clothes and then we exchange gifts right then. It’s pretty simple and straightforward, and it has worked so far. The kids aren’t asking a lot of questions about Santa, simply because they have already gotten and opened their gifts. They are playing with their stuff, while other kids are tossing and turning in their beds, listening for sleighbells. They get tired, and are ready for bed. Christmas morning, they might actually sleep in. But if they don’t, they have their loot to play with and Mom and Dad can sleep in a bit without worry of missing wide-eyed wonderment.

Some of you probably think we are abusing our kids by depriving them of the Santa Experience. Arwyn and I both grew up waking to Santa Claus’s presents under the tree. We were both threatened with lumps of coal if we didn’t behave around Christmas time. But even Arwyn’s mother, who is staying with us this week, has remarked how much less stressful our household is. Oh, there is still pressure and stress. But we don’t have to satisfy the Santa Mythology. The kids know their presents came from Mom and Dad and Grandma and express thanks and gratitude.

Gratitude. What a concept! By the time the neighbor kids open their presents, Santa is back at the North Pole, sleeping off a hangover induced by the overconsumption of milk and cookies! There is no one there to thank. And why should they thank Santa? It’s his job! He’s just doing what he does, which is give out toys.

Okay, I am way off on a rambling tangent. I like the Santa bit in a lot of ways. But this is one time where side stepping and avoiding have served Arwyn and I exceedingly well. We started this tradition of opening presents Christmas Eve before the kids were born and it has stuck. We considered waiting until morning this year, but I’m glad we stuck with what we’ve been doing.

I’d be okay with hearing another point of view. I’d like for someone to get me to think about the good points of Santa and how kids and/or parents benefit from Santa Claus. FWIW, we do enjoy the music and the movies inspired by the rotund red fellow and his reindeer.

Merry Christmas and go easy on the Eggnog!

D.


Two entrees on Christmas Day?!

December 25, 2005

12/25/2005

Merry Christmas!

My present to you. And you don't even have to dig it out of the garden.

The Scavenger Hunt was actyally a big success. Arwyn began her treasure hunt after the boys had opened their loot, so they were not all that into it. This actually worked out well. Arwyn actually found one of the clues before we left for church as she put on that big red coat she hasn't worn all year. I intercepted it before she could open it, but she at least had some warning of what was coming. She saw the number 7 on the envelope and correctly guessed she was in for a hunt.

So after church and dinner, we all opened gifts. I saved hers for last. She looked at the card and went out to the garage to fetch the first clue from under the lawn mower. She had some difficulty with this but got it with only a few comments "Gross!" "Ugh!" "I can't believe I doing this!"

Next, outside to the patio. That one easy, and she got her water filters. (Hey, she got me a printer cartridge). Then the hardest gift of all. The clue was a map, leading to the vegetable garden where she actually had to dig up a plastic bucket with the next clue. She asked me not to make her go out there and wanted me to go out with her. I hadn't planned on it raining, but it was a light rain. She had the spade, and once again asked if she HAD to do this. I said she could finish in thhe morning if she wanted as it was supposed to be dry Christmas day.

But Arwyn is nothing, if not intensely curious. There was no way she was waiting. I watched her out the window as she made her way down the hill, lighted by our backyard floodlights. It wasn't long before she came back with her prize. A Walmart gift card. She was hhappy with that, and happier when I told her that was the last outside clue.

Then came to clue in the scanner/printer leading to the clue in the lingerie drawer. I think it helped that she was mostly on her own, without a big audience. There, she found the keys and the Victoria's secret card. She stowed the keys, and then found clue #7, leading to her final prize, under the sink. I wasn't following her during all of this, but I did hear her gasp when she opened the envelope containing a confirmation for the season passes to the Georgia Aquarium. She called me in and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She really hadn't expected that, especially since I harped on her about managing money. But that's what you can do if you manage it wisely; you can do a big thing or two.

All in all, it was something she won't soon forget. Heaven knows how to top it next year. But the evening wasn't over. No, no, no.

The kids and Grandma went to bed, and so did we. I'd been locked in for a few days, so prepared myself for a restless night. Arwyn laid beside me, stroking my arm and asked me what the keys were for. I told her they were to ME! She asked if I was locked up and I was. She confessed to still being uncomfortable with the whole cage thing sometimes but was getting more used to it.

She gave me the key, and I unlocked the lock and returned it to her. While I removed the cage in the bathroom, she got the towel. I emerged, took off my underwear and Arwyn proceeded to stroke me to a rousing orgasm. Afterwards, we had a bit more discussion about the cage, and we agreed that she would hold the keys, keeping them in a secret, safe place. Meanwhile, I had the other two keys held by the Timelock. So if I needed to, I could go to her in an emergency (hasn't happened yet) or she could have access to me when and if she wanted. There have been a couple of times when she was open to sex when I've ended up having to cut the lock. That's a pretty remarkable coincidence, considering we've only had intercourse twice since March.

The conclusion is that there is a positive corrrelation between me being locked up and our sexual frequency. I've been running the data for the past 2 years, and while it isn't 100%, it is way beyond the scope of mere chance that Arwyn gets in the mood while I'm wearing the chastity cage. For whatever reason, it works better than any other thing I have tried, bar none. Many times, Arwyn didn't even know I was locked. I went through 100 days of no sexual intimacy whatsoever and 3 days after being caged; BOOM! I then went a week or so without being locked, slip on the cage and BOOM, again.

It was not a difficult decision to lock back within the cage this morning. To begin anew the journey which seems to have born whatever fruit I've discovered.

I am still working on HOW it works, and trying to improve on it. Trying to improve me in the process. Perhaps the combination of the cage, the keys and the lock involves some sort of enchantment. Over time, transforming me into a kinder, gentler person that holds more apeal to a finnicky Arwyn. Her using the power she has would certainly improve things, I think, but for the time being I have to learn within the limits of the present relationship.

Special thanks to those whose attention and comments helped avert what might have been a more disasterous outcome. How it was said was as instrumental as to what was said. I detected enough thoughtfulness as to inspire thoughts of my own and a radical paradigm shift that resulted in a much improved perspective. I still fret at my own narrow-mindedness in this. So, Sie, Cinnamon and Desperate Husband, I tip my hat to you. It was the sum total that gave me cause for pause. And getting me to change course is no easy accomplishment. In this case, once I jumped out and saw from a different angle, it was easy for me to see that…ahem….cough…I was wrong and you were right.

Don't expect me to admit that on too regular of a basis! Otherwise they'll take away my Condascending Prick membership.

D.