The Memory Lingers

August 30, 2005

08/30/2005

Tuesday

After the previous entry, and the surrounding discussions and a related situation I had to take a break. I should still be breaking, but I know some are dying to know and we need to keep the story moving. The thing practically writes itself.

After posting Sunday, I was still a bit sore and groggy from all the exercise of mowing the lawn and cutting brush the day before. No, the sex wasn’t that taxing. Or at least that’s what I thought at the time.

I ended up waking a time or two to use the bathroom during the night almost as if I was locked up. But I wasn’t locked up at all. That was wierd. By mid morning I had used the bathroom several times and still felt like I had to go more. By afternoon, I suspected what was going on. I was gripping the lid by evening while keeping an eye on the Katrina-induced tornado warnings.

First thing this morning, or as soon as possible I made a doctor’s appointment. I believe Saturday night’s activities resulted in a UTI. I hope that’s all it is. Anything more than that, and this story will definitely be taking a different turn. Jeez.

This wasn’t quite the experience I was looking for.

Post Doctor visit update

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

!ROFLMAOWTIME!

This is just TOO rich! How ironic.

It appears that my UTI is not a UTI at all. Well, not exactly. Apparently I have a case of prostatitis…a prostate infection. Doc confirmed it with the good ole DRE. Hope the antibiotics will do the trick. After reading some on this, I’d hate to have to go through other assorted tortures associated with a more thorough exam.

He said to avoid caffeine, which I won’t have a huge problem with since sweet tea has been my drink of preference instead of cokes (I never have been a coffee drinker) and he said that would only have to be moderated. I’ll just cut it out and stick to water.

Funny that there is a huge gap in the research related to all things dealing with the prostate. They aren’t sure what the causes even are. I’m sure most of us would like to say lack of regular sex. One of the home therapies does involve frequent ejaculations and/or prostate massage in order to decrease prostate congestion. I should have gotten a prescription for THAT! LOL!

Thing is, I could have had this long before my little tryst with Arwyn. Orgasms are always intense, but the last one with her did have extra intensity there that I didn’t pay much mind to.

In anycase this is definitely an unforseen twist to the plot that is my life. I have to laugh, as it seems richly ironic that I might actually catch some sexually-related condition. One that is apparently difficult to cure. Beauty.

God has His own sense of irony and humor. I’m anxious to see how Job’s wife…er…I mean Arwyn reacts. In anycase, it’ll keep me from chasing other women for awhile.

Now if you’ll excuse me…I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM…NOW!

D.


Date Kept…

August 28, 2005

It’s getting late and I don’t feel like getting all up into it. But Arwyn kept that date and I did have a nice time. Nothing terribly earth shattering or untypical (for us). Not a lot of deep discussion, either.

Whenever we have sex, it seems it is always some sort of ordeal. While there wasn’t any ordeals, per se, there are always issues. I thought about holding out, as Square1 suggested, but this encounter was less about her desire for me as much as her inuitively realizing that I was withdrawing to the outer limits. Sex is the quickest, most powerful means she has of bringing me back in. But she might have let me drift just a bit too far out. I miss real intimacy. I tried to spark some conversation that might be intimate, but nonsexual. I asked her what sort of marriage advice she’s give her neice who may some day get married.

“Know the guy real well make sure he is compassionate, caring and make sure he is the one.”

Okay. Not sure what I was expecting, but I was looking for something a bit more. So I asked her what advice she would give our two boys in finding the right girl. She said pretty much the same thing.

Periodically, I will try to probe into her mind just to see what is thinking. I just come out and ask her what she’s thinking. She then thinks a bit, and then makes up something, or so it seems. The point is, is that never once, EVER, has she ever asked me what I was thinking. She never turned the above questions around and asked me what I thought.

The thought that comes to mind, here, is that she really doesn’t care what I think, or doesn’t want to know. That’s not much of a recipe for intimacy, is it? Or is my thinking totally irrational on this?

I suppose that’s one reason why I like blogging. You voyeurs at least seem interested in my thoughts and opinions. We share and congregate about each other. Seems sharing in a sort of reciprocal=type exchange could foster some intimacy, providing that is the goal. How can a person relate to another without learning more about them?

D.


A date made…

August 27, 2005

08/27/2005

Saturday

The last time we had a sexual encounter of any sort was the handjob in early August. The last time we had intercourse was sometime back in June. I think. Arwyn complained at that time about having some sort of pain associated with full-on sex. So I have not pressured her, except for the one handjob. But I have wanted more hugging, cuddling and general affection which hasn’t really materialized. Thursday morning we did hug and kiss for 5 minutes or so which was a real watershed for us.

This morning, as we were getting up, Arwyn gave a little kiss and was on her way about her day. I decided I needed to write, so I went out to the living room to get my PDA and she snagged my arm and pulled me on the couch and proceeded to ask about my plans on the day. Yard work, same as usual. And then she about flattened me.

“You think maybe we could have some Arwyn and Digger time, tonight?” she asked.

“Okay, if you want.” I replied rather flatly.

“Would I ask you if I didn’t want to?”

I shrugged my shoulders. Duty sex has long since lost any appeal.

She got a little upset that I wasn’t terribly enthused. I reminded her that this was morning and by evening things could come up and often (usually) did which resulted in me getting stood up. She opined that as parents of young kids, this was often the case. I told her that was fine, and I had no problems with that and I wasn’t blaming as much as saying why I wasn’t terribly enthused or excited. The let down and the crushing resentment is directly proportional to my level of anticipation. Letting myself look too much forward to it is a recipe for free fall off a cliff.

But as they day wore on, I found myself looking more forward to it. After doing some weed trimming and brush cutting, I came in and took a shower. After my shower, she came it saying she needing help with the vacuum cleaner. She didn’t ogle, but I held the towel protectively between us until it was obvious she was intent on hanging around, ostensibly looking for a vacuum cleaner part. I put on my underwear, and then gave her a brief hug and a kiss. She complained her back was hurting so I gave her a mini back and shoulder rub. And then let her off to finish her house cleaning..

We will see.

D.


Security?

August 26, 2005

08/26/2005

Friday

The wonderful thing about blogging is that ideas get passed around, processed and worked over almost to death. But then answers start to appear to questions that have been irritating for a long time.

So it is with the whole “Cheating” theme, where I nearly fell poff the hill I said I would die on. Actually, I was closer to jumping. Square1, Morgan z, Jay and Dewdrop all weighed in on the issue. Those are just the ones I know about from the blogroll.

As folks dug into the subject contributing their own experiences, beliefs, feelings and thoughts, I felt like I was part of some sort of detective story along the line of National Treasure. Everyone was dropping clues and priceless information and we are all sifting though it. Of course we all seek different things, just like we contribute different things.

Dewdrop scored a huge one for me when she wrote about her take on “Love and Lust.” Square1 actually touched on it in her first go round on this, talking about a woman’s primary need as being for security. Dewdrop came right out and said it; she got married for security and children. Sex didn’t even make the top 5 list. I’m sure that this isn’t true with all women as there are some women secure enough in themselves they don’t need to find someone else to give it to them. This goes for all forms of security — physical, emotional, financial and just general stability all ’round. I think I’d like to read more from someone on the nature of this need for security because I’m flat out not getting it. It seems more logical to invest in ones self and increase their own abilities and strength than to glom on to someone else. Live with your parents, siblings or other family members. Join a commune. Buy a dog. There are lots of ways to get security without a “Until death do us part” clause. Of course, that lifetime provision appears to be THE central motivation for folks choosing marriage for security. I’m talking out my ass, here, because I admit that I don’t get it. It seems silly to me.

I got married, I think; for the sake of intimacy. Is there some other way I could acheive the goal of being universally intimate with someone else outside of a marriage relationship? And why didn’t anyone tell me about it before? Physical intimacy is a part of that. Definitely on the top 5 list.

Last night I went to bed a little earlier, hoping to get a bit of that from my wife. She was in that inverted sleep position, facing away, so I poked her a few times with my hard-on. She scuttled to her side of the bed all crab-like. Crabby is how I felt. I got my little towel and decided to relieve my own frustration. It didn’t happen. I was hard as hell, but there was no orgasm coming. I fell asleep with my dick in my hands.

Next morning, She gave me one of those little pecks and was in the shower. I thought about following her but decided to resume my own effort at release. I eventually came but it was definitely not this big, huge wave as it had in the past after weeks of chastity. It was almost a disappointment. I barely made a spot on the towel. You would think I’d spew all over the place. But no. Makes me feel kind of foolish to make such a big fuss over such a small thing. I’m sure Arwyn’s assistance would have produced a more substantial release. But I just don’t see that happening. Even if I managed to badger or guilt her into it, it wouldn’t make any strides to intimacy.

Lots of people comment on how they don’t know how I do it. How I keep working at it, on and on and on and on and on. Honestly, neither do I. Faith in God? Maybe, but the sheer span of time of this saga defies such a sustained campaign by myself.

I believe God has a lot to do with it. I was a virgin until the ripe old age of 25, and it wasn’t for lack of trying or wanting. God put a hedge around me, and continues to do that probably protecting me from my own sure self-destruction.

D.


Going for Broke

August 25, 2005

08/25/2005

Thursday

Day 13*

Something that I didn’t say yesterday was that I had decided to extend my stay in the cage for another 3 days and go for the record. I figured that I had come this far, I might as well go for broke. And that’s what I did…I went for broke.

Despite being up late last night twiddling with the computer, I awoke several times and finally ended up awake at 5 a.m. and waiting for Arwyn’s alarm to go off at 5:45. Actually she was starting to stir a bit before that. As soon as the alarm went off I just had to hug and cuddle with her. I *had* to! I’ve been mightily resentful of her brushing me off in the morning. But this morning, I got at least a full 2 minutes of hugging and kissing once I told her I would pack the oldest’s luch while she was in the shower. It was worth the effort.

As we were hugging in a nice warm embrace, I could feel myself straining at the cage. Not enough of that feeling lately. While embracing, I heard and felt a ‘snap’. Uh oh. I waited for some excessively painful pinching but it never came.

The CB3000 is constructed of an extremely durable polycarbonate plastic. However, it is also contructed in two halves, which are glued together and the glue sometimes give way. I had the same thing happen a year or so ago, and at least one other time with the Curve. Using a product called “Liquid Weld” seemed to repair it best in the past.

In anycase, as soon as Arwyn jumped into the shower, I jumped into the garage with the bolt cutters to get the lock off. I tried to think of ways to leave ti on, but it was totally halved and would need to be welded together. I was SO ready to come right then, but waited. I made luch for the boys, then myself. Arwyn and I hugged some more, then I got in the shower. It felt really good, albeit a bit foriegn without the cage. But I didn’t go for it. I abstained and decided to alter the nature of the remainder of my experience on this adventure by seeing how a guy without a cage might hold up with no sex and no wanking. Or maybe Arwyn will be ready for me like I’m ready for her!LOL!

I’ve only known the Lioness for a few weeks and she is quite attractive. But she is a consumate whiner. These things have only become issues over the past few days, so I really wasn’t trying to pull a fast one on my blog readers. This is just the way things have played out.

Unlike Square1, I will read blogs of cheaters to see the other side of things. They always seem so attractive for a time. Sometimes a really LONG time! But all of them, without exception, turn to shit eventually. Alex and Rod took their blogs down without explaination. Salvatori got a venerial disease and passed it to his wife. I have a couple of regulars still on the blogroll recovering from affairs (either having one themselves, or having a spouse have one or both). They are all very instructive.

Maybe I’ll be the one exception, you think?

I don’t think so either. I’ve thought about asking Arwyn to set me up with one of her girl friends as she has a couple who are HL married to LL guys. I thought this would a be a novel solution that acknowledged the needs of the partner while avoiding skulking around in the shadows.

Why wouldn’t a LL partner go for this, especially if they are so put off by sex? Let the HL have their fun with a trustworthy friend while the LL does something enjoyable with another similarly LL partner. I’d go for that. If sex isn’t that important, why would the LL people try or insist on keeping their partner in a state of involuntary celibacy?

D.


The Lioness

August 24, 2005

08/24/2005

Wednesday

Day 12

Satan asked for a description of the Lioness, so here you go. First of all, her ancestors did exist on the same continent as the lions before being snatched away by greedy, godless, heathen slave traders. She is short (maybe 5’0″) trim and young. She is talkative and gregarious. Outgoing, spunky, funny and terribly cute. She is a breath of fresh, young air to a stuffy old man like me. She’s 24 or so and going to college in the evenings. She’s got dancing eyes, the cutest dimples and the firmest ass around. She’s young and fun. Smart and sassy. She’s everything a man could want for a little attention on the side, making one look forward to going to work and dreading having to go home.

Or at least the would be the case or maybe should be the case. But the Lioness is also immature to an extraordinarily annoying degree. Relax folks, this kid is no threat to Arwyn. For a moment it was fun to entertain a thought or two about this young thing who does have a certain feline feminine way about her. She does have a nice sense of humor and contributes energy to the workplace. But she has a sense of personal entitlement that makes Arwyn look like a nun (as if she needed another reason for that comparison). The Lioness has talked at length about her expectations in men and how she expects to be treated; like a princess. Those are her words, not mine. She already berates her parents for not paying for everything for her, like a new car or buying her a house or paying for her insurance….you get the idea.

The Lioness can be loud and obnoxious at times and also has a lazy streak. Which means that having her as a keyholder would be nothing but a bad idea since I’m probably going to end up having to put some starch in her collar, professionally speaking, to keep her on a positive track. She’s too much like a daughter, especially since her mother is only a few years older than me and she still has a brother in middle school. Just not enough there for even an attempt at an emotional affair. I can hardly believe I held the thought as long as I did let alone sharing it on the internet. But it really was worth it, to see the mini-shitstorm it kicked up. You all gave me some very good, honest and sincere feedback and it gave me enough cause for pause to think it over and see things more clearly.

You have to admit, it gave my story a much needed lift. Things were getting too boring. Having said all that, I am still half-receptive to someone relieving my thirst and hunger for intimacy.

Sorry to disappoint you, Satan. I think we struck out on this one. Maybe someone else will come along who will fit the bill a little better.

D.


Extending

August 23, 2005

08/23/2005

Tuesday

Day 11

I am seriously considering going for a chastity record this go round, for lots of reasons. First of all, with 11 days down it is actually getting easier. I only wake up 2 times per night and the days are okay. I may get periods of frustration but these are less and less about the cage and more and more about Arwyn. She is just flat-out unresponsive. So getting out doesn’t hold the appeal that it might have with someone waiting for me…or me having someone to wait for.

Another reason is this business with the Lioness that has gotten folks in an uproar. True, I have contemplated plenty and I finally have someone to contemplate with/for. That alone is something worth writing about. I’ve judiciously avoided these sorts of entanglements over the past many years. While there are some erotic components here, it is mostly about having someone around who regards me as worth talking to and listening to. So I’m actually shopping for an emotional bond more than a sexual one. Staying locked up is just a good strategy for keeping my virtue physically intact, such that it is.

I have considered the comments, and they are nearly identical to arguments that I’ve given at times to other bloggers considering the same sort of thing. Except for Satan, who I knew would get pretty wet over the prospect. I have not stopped working on my marriage and praying earnestly for deliverance from the vise that I find myself in. Stretched and squeezed at the same time.

After Job suffered all of his afflictions, it was his wife (notice she’s the only one in the family Satan totally spared) asked Job, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Why don’t you just curse God and die?” It’s the only words she has in the whole Biblical drama. How great Job’s desolation must have been at that moment! Scraping sores on his body with a shard of pottery while his unscathed wife chides him. Bitch.

The day I first told Arwyn about the cage, I remember telling her I needed to talk to her. Her response: “What’s her name? Do I know her?”

She thought I was having an affair! We’ve had discussions about this before, and I’ve even asked her point blank “What do you expect me to do? Do you want me to have an affair?” She never really answers. So this would not be the shocking revelation that it was for Anne and Morgan z, both of who had some degree of intimacy with their spouses leading up to it and were blindsided. In a way, it is like Adam standing around while Satan seduced her, as Square1 said. Only this time, it is Arwyn standing around, waiting for me to fuck up so she can play the part of the victim. This aggravates me as much as anything. She knows of my suffering and she suffers, too. But she refuses to do anything about it.

Last night, we did go to bed around 10:00, and I positioned us into a sort of inverted spooning position. Keep in mind, our heads are at opposite ends and she’s under her own blanket/rug. With her facing away, with her legs bent up, I face the other direction “sitting” on her bottom with mine, so it looks like we are a pair of chairs for each other only lying on our sides. It has the potential of being a rather intimate, if not novel, position.

Arwyn has had a horrible time sleeping and it seems she moves to the couch when she wakes. This morning I came out, gently kissed her cheek. I sort of hugged her, she lying on the couch, me kneeling beside her nuzzling her cheek. After 45 seconds, “That’s enough.” and that was it. She was off to take a shower. This has been a pattern the past few mornings when I’ve tried to steal two minutes with my wife. I get no more than 45 seconds. I suppose I should feel lucky just to be getting that.

This is the other, and maybe greatest, reason for keeping the cage on. It tempers the bitter bile of resentment, and if I get out now, that anger will come upon me like a whirlwind. I’m afraid of unleashing such a powerful force.

My responsibility. It is always my responsibility. It always has been my responsibility. She seems to assume none and take none. I’ve been standing in the gap for years, as the few of the readers coming over from Ivillage well know.

Counseling. I’ve been to counseling. As quacks go, the guy I saw years ago was pretty good and cut me loose fairly early after only a month. Being on a sliding fee scale, I either wasn’t as bad off as others or maybe there was some higher paying folks waiting to get in. That was back before I was broke. The economic engine is presently dead in the water. I’ll be siphoning gas from the lawn mower to get to work the rest of the month. Mostly due to the Target Visa with a balance of over $10k, which took God’s share for the first time in years.

Ashes and dust.

D.