Taking A Step

May 11, 2013

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.
J.R.R. Tolkien

 

All journeys begin with a first step of one sort or another.  And tonight, we took one, Arwyn and I.  At least this is how the therapist put it; taking a significant step.

We had not met with our therapist for several weeks, not since the session right before the movie.  You DO remember “Date Night” right?

I had honestly been thinking about our little homework assignment since that time, but we have both been so busy, it would have been such a contrived thing.  But I went back and forth on it.  Arwyn is who she is, which means she is not really a sexual creature, at least with me.  I honestly could not see how I could do anything meaningful to change anything.  The 3 weeks passed and in that amount of time, Arwyn and I did have a few battles about money as we are in full-blown house reconstruction mode.  And there are ooodles and oodles of decisions to be made and all of them involve money.  My opinion of Arwyn’s handling of money is not very high at all.  In my mind, giving her a large pile of cash is like giving a teenager a bottle of whiskey and the keys to the car.

These money squabbles were discussed some and it was amazing how she claimed to have discussions that we didn’t have.  Arwyn has demonstrated before that she is willing to engage in deception, if not outright lying, but sometimes my brain CAN get addled.  But not about money.

We moved from the money and got into a discussion about our sleeping arrangements in the new house.  Here in our temp house, I have been in my room/office and she has been upstairs in the master bedroom.  This is similar to what it was before the fire.  So for quite some time, we have kept our own spaces.  Even before that, you might recall that she slept in the inverted sleeping position for years and years.  Here’s an old post from the old blog in order give you a little idea as to what those days were like.  I look at a few of the comments from back then, and see the truth I could not see then.

I stated that I really could not see Arwyn and I sharing space, much less a bed together.

At this point, I think our therapist went back to parsing out what was happening.   This was not something that was just a year or two or three in the making.  She started asking when and how long this business of seperating and the lousy/sparse sex had been going on.  Let’s see…our youngest is 11…so a good long while.  So she asked Arwyn how long she has been sexually disengaged.  Arwyn went back to about 1999.  When the therapist asked her if she could envision sharing a bed or having a real sexual relationwhip with me again, Arwyn stated she could not.

So how did I feel about that?  This happened to be the therapists question and I had to think a bit.  Honestly, I felt slightly relieved.  It was a truth I had been feeling for a very long time.  It was actually some relief to have it right out there.  And that answered the question about sleeping arrangements.  We were each keen to have our own space and this new house would enable that as we had closed off an area to make an office about the size of the master bedroom.  That would be my space.

“You do realize this is the first step to you no longer being a couple, right?”  Our therapist was making sure we understood.

I pointed out this had been a matter of fact and truth for a very long time.  At least now we were being explicit about it.  It was now an honest move, and perhaps one of the first real and genuine ones Arwyn and I have made in years and one that we both agreed on.

Many of you saw it coming a long time ago.  Some did back in 2005, but I felt like I had to give it my best.  And I really think I did.  But Arwyn had already checked out years earlier.  Whatever I did was too little or too late and nothing I did could dent that wall.  This does not mean there is no caring between us.  Or even a love of a sort.  But we are definitely not in IN love.  Not as what I would construe as husband and wife.

Our therapist seemed to resign at this point.  Neither of us were fighting or contending for this marriage.  I suppose as long as one of us was willing to try there was always some hope.  But I’m spent and have not the energy for a campaign or long siege.

I readily admit that the first few years of our marriage I fucked up.  I was pretty horrid and useless and Arwyn suffered for it.  But I did spend time trying to atone for those early sins.  And I did suffering of my own, long and mightily.  At some point, the suffering ceases to be instructive and is simply pointless.  That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to suffer.  But at least it will be in my own space.  And maybe…perhaps…it will lessen slightly.  We can finally be honest without the pretense and the charade.  I just don’t have the energy or time for that.

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

 

 

 


Counseling: Round 2

April 16, 2013

As I said in the last post where my house burned down and I was rushed to the burn unit, things like that have a way of turning a life upside-down.

Fire is the sort of force where it can be deadly and destructive when it is cut loose.  It destroys things and it can really hurt!  But in the wildest of places it also gets rid of old trash and clears things out for new life.  In our house, there was a LOT of trash.  In fact if one goes back far enough, you might even see pictures of the trash heap our house had become as Arwyn hoarded and neglected things.  It was getting hard to even walk through the place.  It’s a miracle we all got out without broken bones from tripping on the clutter.

That clutter is now gone and the builders are busy rebuilding to create a better and even slightly bigger house.  There is a chance to start over.  One way or another.  Within a few days of the fire, Arwyn got what I think might be a shock that was just as big in her life as the fire that destroyed everything.

I spent the night of the fire in the burn unit at the hospital while Arwyn spent it with the boys at a neighbor’s house.  None of us got any sleep.  The next day, friends and neighbours descended upon our burnt house to help salvage and offer help.  It was kind of amazing and I wish I was less sleepy, hurt and grumpy that day.  They helped move salvageable things into storage which they paid for the first month.  The boys went to stay with friends and then our church put Arwyn and I up in a hotel.   Our first hotel together without the boys since having them and we slept in separate beds.  Of course, 10 percent of my body was burnt and I looked like a zombie.  That was according to my 11 tear-old and he was right.  My right arm was bandaged but half my head was open and bleeding or weeping while my right eye was swelled shut.  Not that there was any possibility of anything happening anyway.  Arwyn and have been done sexually since late 2009.

We got a hotel suite with the boys and the insurance company put us up there for 2 weeks.  She was out when I was finally able to get in touch with my SL elf GF and let her know what had happened.  At first she was very sympathetic but this changed within a week or so.  While my priorities were realigning,  still felt like I loved the girl and began an email with the subject heading “Thirsty Thursday” to her something to the effect of:

Thirsty for YOU!

Man..I am chomping at the bit to just get at you.  I must be feeling better cause you might be getting more than a small twitch…more like a larger twitch!

Arwyn came in the door of the hotel and I didn’t make a huge deal of switching windows, but opened the browser.  However not before she stared at the screen for a few seconds, clearly soaking in what it said.  However she didn’t say anything.  Neither did I.  From my perspective, I am not sure what she should expect.  How could she be jealous?  She has not acted like she wanted me in so long.  At least not that way.

It was later that day, we had an argument about something and she suggested that we needed counselling.  And it so happened that her church was willing to pay for 3 counselling sessions for us.  I had no objections to this.  The morning after we had our first night in the hotel room we had even discussed going our separate ways.  Counselling might help us find our way out.

This new counsellor is a woman who does not mince words and does not hesitate to lay things out very succinctly and directly.  Oddly enough, I feel like if we had her in our forst counselling go-round, things MIGHT have been different.  And so we are talking about how to let go, while at the same time she does leave the possibility open for things to be different.  She pointed out that we do have things in common besides the kids.  And we CAN live like room mates under the same roof with the kids, but she pointed out that this only works until one or the other of us meets someone else.  Then things rapidly fall apart.

We have had 2 sessions and after that last session it looked like we had decided to work to part ways.  And maybe it is time.  I have suffered for a long time.  So has she.  We have a chance to do something different and new.  To start over.

But I’ve been thinking.  Arwyn is an attractive person.  Not just as a woman but as a person.  Even though she treats ME as unattractive.  If there was a way.  If only there was a way.

The other day she was trying on some clothes someone had given her and it was a a skirt/blouse outfit.  She came into my room to show me, and she DID look attractive in that outfit.  I felt awash in sadness.  It felt really odd that she was even showing me this and asking if it looked good on her when we had been talking about living in separate houses just a day or two before.

There is still a lot of caring and love there.  But I’m not sure it is enough.  I just don’t have the energy or patience for the bullshit any more.  We did sign on for more counselling on a sort of week-by-week basis. So we shall see.

I have no idea, really.  It would be nice if this could turn around but I’ve been burned SO many times before by this woman. Can people really change that much?

 

 


NYE Retrospective

January 1, 2013

New Year’s Eve has long been one of my most feared and disliked of all holidays.  While I like wishing people happy new year’s I’m not sure I buy into the hype.  Everywhere, people are hoping and wishing THIS will be the year.  It might be, and then again it might not.  We might have another drought and then again we might have a “normal” year.  Whatever that means.

In the annals of my adult life, I have had more sad and lonely New Year’s Eves than ones with loving and kisses.  It’s a nice tradition to end the old year with a bang and start the new one off right.  Unfortunately I did not marry someone who holds true to that line of thought.  More on that one in just a second, but the pre-Arywn days might be instructive.

I can not remember having a NYE kiss in either high school or college.  Got drunk plenty of times, but I guess I never found the right drunk girl!  It wasn’t until after I graduated and after my first real heartbreak that I seemed to have found a few of those moments.  Dec. 31st, 1989 @ 11:59 I got kissed by a girl in a bar and we dated for a few months after.

January 1st, 1991 @ 12:05 I got kissed by a drunk girl at a party who kissed several of us guys.  She had been divorced for about a month and was cutting loose.  I think she got quite a few date invitations after that, and mine was one of the lucky ones.  For the next 4 months I became a pretty regular sex toy for this lady who was about a decade older than me.  I won’t lie…she WAS good and I learned a LOT from her….the good the bad and the ugly.  By August of that year she was remarried…to someone else.

December 31st, 1992 @ 11:30 pm – Jan 1st, 1993 @ sometime after the ball dropped:  Probably my best NYE EVER!   I happened to be with a girl who WAS very sentimental about these sorts of things, and we rang out the old and rang in the new in very proper fashion.  Namely we were naked.  We had already been dating since early spring, and this would be the high point of our relationship I think.  Unfortunately we did not make to the next New Year.

Jan 1st, 1994 @ 12:01 a.m.or so.  Was at a party and actually did just kiss a girl out of the blue because she was there and I was there and it was midnight….why not?  Within the next hour I was kissing up on another girl whom I really wanted to date but in both cases…we just remained friends.

January 1st, 1995 @ 12:01 – Even though I was dating the girl who would become my wife, I was ringing in this one solo as she went back home to her family for the holidays.

December 31st, 1996 we were married and spent the holidays with family.  There MIGHT have been a kiss at one of those NYE parties but I honestly can’t remember.  That WAS a big year with being just married and all, and perhaps it says something about my sad state that I don’t even remember.  “Sad state” being defined as me being an ass.

If memory serves me right, that really was the end of the NYE celebrating as a couple.  In 1997 she was in nursing school and we might have gone to a party at some point with some friends, but again, I don’t really remember and I can’t really blame the drinking because I was doing very little of it by this time.  In 1998, my wife was very pregnant and was sound asleep when the ball dropped.  And this would be the pattern for about the next 10 years.  I would stay up and be watching TV or be on the computer and she would be asleep.

Last year, I was in SL with my SL GF and we were, in a manner of speaking, skyclad and we were ringing in the new year with some fine pose-ball induced pixel grinding.  It was a really nice way to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  The problem with these sorts of things, if you look at the history, is that ringing in the new year with someone does not guarantee you will ring it in with them the next year.  And so it was this year.  my girl was somewhere in RL, ringing it in with real sex with a real guy somewhere.

OH…and I have the house to myself as my wife, 2 kids and both cats are in Florida with her mother.

This could have been one of those “Get drunk and cry alone” NYE moments, but I was really determined to stave that off.  So I did go into SL where there was a virtual party and a virtual dance and my elf did end up having a great time with one of the other ladies there. She was not an elf or faery.  She’s a fallen angel!  Haha…I find that humorous for some reason.

No, no naked pixel grinding, but loads of just emoting and bonding and just being there in a real romantic sense and connecting.  It’s not an easy thing to explain to anyone who has not actually been there.  Except I do know that I have readers who have connected with me in a way through this blog, and I’ve connected with you.  We’ve swapped stories and comments and thoughts and emotions.  Just put that in a virtual environment where the responses and feedback are instant.  So I rang in the New year across several time zones with the little, sweet fallen angel.  Thus I did not feel lonely or deprived but it was just good company, which is what I needed most.

In SL, girls outnumber guys by about 3:1, with roughly half that number or more being guys who are playing girls.  Heck, the little fallen angel could be a guy!  But she plays her part well enough, I don’t even want to know any different.  Let me have my fantasy!  I have a better understanding of this than many because I have a couple of female characters who DO play the fantasy girls for specific guys.  Do they have any idea the person on the other side is a guy?  Nope.  And I intend to keep it that way.  And as long as the integrity of the play is kept, there should be no reason for it to be an issue.  More often than not, a guy will assume the role of a bisexual female who will even prefer the company of other females.   I’ve encountered more than one of these, who will play the part of a female but get a bit offended when the girl they are playing with turns out to be another guy thus ruining their little lesbian fantasy play.  My girls play all girls who prefer the company of guys. I might write more about that when the fancy to do so hits me.  Suffice it to say my girls are hawt!

I DO hope for the best for all of you in 2013.  2012 was a little bit rough in a lot of ways, but I am generally better off at least financially now than I was a year ago, outside of my virtual love life.  And even if my blogging becomes scarce again, know that I do often think of you with fond memories and thoughts.  Even if I might fuss a bit and go after an occasional reader/commenter you all represent a very real and concrete piece of my support.  And it’s only been the past 2 weeks or so where I realized I needed a place to go to vent my spleen about various issues and needed something outside of SL.  This space is not the most popular space but it might be the most important to me.  so thanks to you all for being a part of it!


Intimacy vs Sex and Strange Pussy

December 31, 2012

SOMEBODY really found a way to push my buttons!

*grumbles*

The questions (and there are a couple of them here) deal with what is intimacy, and how sex relates to it, if at all.  Oddly enough, my SL GF and I have had this exact discussion.  Since she has a RL BF, she decided to close up shop on the pixel grinding.  In a way, I can kind of respect that.  However her insistence on trying to still hold on to me in a sexless (even a virtually sexless one) gins up resentment that only readers here could possibly understand.

The central gist of this question is to somehow attempt to divorce sex from intimacy.  Our low libido folks will happily and readily chime in “YES!  There are all sorts of ways to have intimacy without having to be naked!”  And they are right.  You can cuddle, hold hands, kiss, go to movies, look into each others eyes, hug, talk about your feelings, and even talk about your problems.  All of these are ways to be intimate.  You can share hobbies and dance and wine and dine your way right into someones heart.

Can sex be divorced from intimacy?  Oh yes!  The entire porn and sex industry is built upon this proposition that you can get a sexual buzz without the bothersome baggage of intimacy.  There was an interesting TED talk on condoms in Africa where they were trying to get guys to wear them to prevent the spread of HIV.  What do you think about before getting a condom?

So there CAN and absolutely is a disconnect between sex and intimacy in the world today.  But is it right?  It probably often is a matter of circumstances.  For spouses separated because of war, or health issues there is a challenge here.  I might propose SL might be a possible solution for some.  Just a thought.  But let’s put the extreme circumstance to the side and let’s look at a more typical situation where there are two relatively healthy people living in the same house and possibly even sharing the same bed.  They can certainly live without sexual intimacy.  And if they BOTH agree, they can be pretty happy.

The problem comes when one person unilaterally decides that this is not going to happen, and the other person simply has a choice.  Live with it.  Or not.  “Or not” is the loaded minefield.

Arwyn made a similar unilateral decision recently.  She made the decision to get another cat.  She has adopted one from her mother previously and I didn’t make a huge deal about it since her mother was not able to care for her and the cat was well-mannered.  It was okay.  I was in on and went along with that decision.  But one day I saw her cleaning the oversized dog kennel and I asked her what she was doing.  “Oh…just cleaning it up.”  I thought maybe she was going to give it away or something.  But a couple days later she had a kitten.  She not only did not consult me, she actively hid and deceived me about the whole thing.  I was pissed.  Of course I would have vetoed the idea and Arwyn knows why.  She had two cats when we got married and in both cases *I* was the one who had to take them somewhere where they would have to be killed.  I flat out told her I was not killing anymore animals.  But now we have two.  The boys adore those cats and I am not mad at them.  I’m as affectionate with them, and its not THEIR fault they were brought in to the house.  But when Arwyn asked me to hold this kitten so she could trim her nails without getting bitten, I totally refused and reminded her that she brought this animal in the house without me. SHE was going to take responsibility.

Intimacy is that two-way street where two people care for each other and look out for each others well-being and interest.  It absolutely takes two people to have intimacy.  you can’t have intimacy between two people if only one person is committed.  I might even argue that you can actually have better intimacy if NEITHER person is committed!  At least there is some agreement.  But that is a rarity.  Usually in a relationship at least one person has some sort of commitment.  Commitment and devotion are the hallmarks of intimacy.  Even if you are both committed to being uncommitted!

So what about sex?  When Arwyn committed herself to making the house as sexless as possible, it was akin to me taking her cat out and shooting it.  No warning, no consultation.  Just take the pussy out of it.  No more pussy.

Now unlike my wife, my SL GF gave me permission to pixelate with other women in SL.  She mistakenly believes that strange pussy is somehow a substitute.  The same mistake is being made here that our friend Strom Dweller makes: That sex is simply some interesting and nonessential little thing  that involves the real or virtual substitution and insertion of parts in order to meet a physical or mental need.  And perhaps this is a distinctly female way of thinking.  That’s not to say men can not separate the two because we do it all the time.  But surely I’m not the only guy that would rather have the intimacy and the sex wrapped into one package deal.  The second one of the partners makes this a nonessential option is the moment when you start breaking down intimacy.  You diminish the other person’s worth and relegate their needs into something nonessential.  And then we run into “OH!  All I am to you is someone who you can have sex with!”  Again, usually it is the female making this assertion to the bewilderment of the guy.  He wants the package deal and indeed thought he was getting the package deal.  But her accusation has just divorced the sex from the intimacy and makes him feel like some sort of lecherous perv for wanting to get naked with his own wife.

That’s not to say that guys can not be lecherous pervs, even with their own wives.  We all now this and I have seen the stories, including Storm Dweller’s, where there were times when she was simply used by her ex.  It’s not usually so simple.  If you feel like you are being used, it’s okay to talk about it.  Negotiate.  Those discussions can actually lead to MORE intimacy.  But most of those who are closing up shop absolutely refuse to even talk about it.  They like talking about sex even less than they like doing it.  At least when they do it, they somehow get it over with and avoid the talking parts.  I mean, what can you possibly complain about if she is actually putting out?  If you have the guts to address the lack of intimacy in the act, you’re going to get your balls handed to you in bits because now she will simply say you aren’t going to be satisfied unless she becomes some sort of porn star.

I guess this hits a nerve because it represents the conscious and deliberate peeling away of sex from intimacy.  As if these were meant to be two separate things.  Sometimes they are, yes.  They aren’t always inclusive all the time.  But my opinion is that these should be the exceptions and not the rule.  There might be circumstances, yes.  But making this “peeling-off” a standard and deliberate practice is like a steady diet of cardboard.  It’s not going to fill or satisfy or even be pleasant to any but the most starved souls.  It CREATES a starved soul!

Hehe…Digger is BACK!


Keeping it Real

December 28, 2012

Hehe…thank you Xi for that inspiration!

My return here is sort of predicated on the idea that this has been an enormous source of support in the past, as we had a rather lively and diverse group who were all sort of struggling with something similar at a particular point in time.

The times, they have changed.  And for a lot of the old gang, it hasn’t been for the better.  In fact, I do not know of a single one in my old blogroll who managed to pull out the proverbial miracle.  The ones who are happiest seem to be the ones who have gotten out of their old situations and started completely over.  But that is no guarantee either.  I occasionally hear from a few, and have heard a few of their heartbreaking stories.  Maybe they are the only ones who check back in.  The ones who don’t are too busy having fun and sex and good times and sex!

As I’ve aged, the sex part has decreased in importance, but it still remains a very real predictor of intimacy for me.  There should be room for some naked fun between a real husband and wife.  Now certainly there are a few who are perfectly happy leading celibate lives.  For those of you where that is true, you are reading the wrong blog.  You can go now…Go shop at Katie’s Etsy store!

For everyone else, the reality is that endorphin depletion and deprivation leads to things like clinical depression which leads to all sorts of dark places mentally and emotionally.  I’ll never forget a low libido commenter who once said “No one ever dies from lack of sex.”  That is actually untrue.  Lots of people die from it, but they die so agonizingly slow and so ensconced in loneliness that no one ever sees or notices that they are slipping away.  It’s not the sex alone, it is the intimacy and connection that goes with it.  This is a package deal.  Your car runs just fine without air conditioning, but if you live in Georgia you will spend most of the year looking forward to November and then dreading March.  And you will suffer mightily for what might be considered nonessential.

I basically have a marriage that is like the car with no AC, vinyl seats and an old AM radio.  It sort of functions, but it’s not something I look forward to spending any time with at all.

Secondlife has been my escape from a relationship that is simply hostile.  I find other reasons to get up and carry on and one of those is logging on.  And through that I rediscivered the joy of having someone who wanted to spend time around me, be with me for who I was beyond the wallet.  It’s true…I have an avatar that makes the ladies drool.  I also have another avatar that makes the guys drool!  Haha!  I know what it takes to look good in SL, where it isn’t about genetics.  And then, when you get to hang out with someone enough you get past the looks and see what’s underneath…where it counts.

In a perfect world, there wouldn’t even be a need for games, TV, sports or diversions.  We could just be with our mates in the garden of Eden.  But we don’t live in that world at all.  If I want anything resembling a sex life or even a decent friendship, it isn’t going to be with Arwyn.  She’s not even that good a roommate!   So I develop connections and relationships elsewhere.  Which is what a lot of my other blog friends did and have done.  I’m not saying they are any better off, but neither are they any worse.


Am I a better man?

July 5, 2012

Reading Aphron and his views on whether marriage is worth it or not made me think of this, along with a comment from one of my former blogger hotties, So Gone.

Is marriage worth it?  That is what is on my mind at the moment along with the companion question “Would I do anything differently or do it all over again?”

Those two things are what led me to my title question.  Because in the end, our experiences inform who we are and what we become.  And in order to fully appreciate that, you have to have some perspective on where the starting point was.

Before Arwyn, I was a moderate smoker, moderate drinker, a partier and generally did whatever the hell I wanted.  Yes, I was trying to live a half way decent and moral life.  Half way at least.  I went to church which is where I met my wife.  Fine, attractive Christian girl, she was.

So what did I get out of marriage?

Marriage reminds me a lot of basic training.  At least my marriage does, especially the part where we entered the gas chamber and had to take our masks off.  Yeah, 30 years ago when *I* was in Ft.Leonardwood we didn’t train with the gals but otherwise the drill is pretty much the same.  And we could NOT wait to get out of that place.  A year later, I was with ROTC and we had to do it again.  All us prior service guys made damn sure we were at the front of the line to get it over with.  Now that it occurs to me, I can’t tell you exactly how inhaling tear gas made me a better person but it DID make me a better soldier and made us scared to death of chemical warfare.

So Gone made the comment that divorced men make good material for marriage because they learned from their prior relationships.  And if they were in a bad one, it can make them more appreciative of a good one.  So I suppose one train of thought would say that this marriage is training me to appreciate any future ones that I might have.  When we are young, new and just starting out we stumble along and make big mistakes that we spend years paying for later.  There isn’t anything that can train a body for marriage like being married.  where better to make mistakes and learn from them?  I have freely admitted to Arwyn about the mistakes I made really early in our marriage where I took her for granted.  But she has never forgotten and I would argue that she has never forgiven.

What would I do differently?  If I were talking to a pre-marriage version of myself, I might advise him how dumb he was to let an earlier good one go just because of a few issues.  But there was no frame of reference.  I didn’t know.  Like the time I decided to buy a mobile home and thought it was such a good and intelligent and rational decision.  People DID try to tell me different but I didn’t listen.  So nothing means I would have chosen any differently.

However, if I was talking to my young married self, right after being getting married, I might have smacked him a bit and told me that I did not have years and years to wise up.  I better get on with with being married or get on with getting single.  The half-way crap was not going to serve.  Because by the time I finally came around, it was too late.  Arwyn had checked out.

Before I got married I had a lot of people tell me how precious she was and how I was going to be in big trouble if I ever hurt her.  To my knowledge no one said anything of the sort to her.  No one threatens a woman and says “Don’t you dare hurt this guy or we’re coming after you!”  I guess no one expects guys to get hurt.  We aren’t supposed to hurt.  And then they wonder why we fail to feel when we’re supposed to.

I would like to say that marriage has taught me some things about giving selflessly without expecting anything in return.  When that happens freely, it can feel pretty good.  But somewhere down the line when you feel forced into it, it doesn’t feel so good anymore.  You freely gave the first few times but now its expected all the time.  I suppose that’s how Arwyn felt about sex.  It was expected of her and that set in about 2 nights after we were married.  It wasn’t freely given and became a chore.  And the shit I had to do to get it became an even bigger chore.  I must’ve looked like a pretty pathetic and desperate fool to go to such extremes for a little piece of ass.

So I would say that was one important and maybe crucial lesson that has made me a better person than I was.  I’m not ruled so much by my dick.  I’m less of a dick head.  I’ve discovered a lot of other ways to spend my time and other priorities in life.  Sex is great when you can get it, but it is not worth most of the misery most guys put themselves through for it.  If you have to work that hard for it, it might be wise to just cut the losses and find something else to do. Put Rosie and her 5 sisters to work and it will all be better for awhile, if that is what it is about.

Intimacy.  I’ve learned that it is a rare thing and perhaps, maybe, I am ill suited for it.  I’ve had it and enjoyed it immensely when I did feel it, but it has beena very long time since I would describe anything I’ve had with anyone as real intimacy.  And I do okay.  Not great but okay.  Perhaps we put too much value on intimacy.

Suddenly I’m feeling like the writer of Ecclesiastes: “It’s all a crock of bullshit!”

Maybe I haven’t learned as much as I thought!  I can say that marriage is like basic training in that it is something I am glad I did.  I love my kids and am glad I have them.  But if I was going through life again, knowing what I do now I’m not sure I would do it again.  I would avoid Arwyn whenever I saw her coming and would look for someone else, leading to new struggles and a new path that would probably lead to suffering and drama of an entirely different sort.  I could end up with Aphron’s wife!  YIKES!

Fact is, when I look at the old blogging buddies and look at their wives, I can not think of any of them I would want to be with.  Even Craig’s wife who seems marvelous, cause I would be miserable even thinking about 11 kids!

I’ll have to remember to blog about my other two marriages.  The virtual ones.  I learned almost as much from them as I did from my real one.  And I know that no matter what…it is never easy.  ever.

 


Mixed

April 19, 2009

She shut the door to the bedroom and locks it.  I peer out from behind my laptop.

“Do you want some time?”

Wow.  Okay, this is kind of unexpected.  “Do you want to?” I inquire.

“Don’t ask me that.  What if I don’t?  But it’s 9:45 so the time is kind of short.  We need to get on with it it if we’re going to.”

I have a couple of ways to respond to this, but her and I both know there is really only one response that is going to work unless I want to go another couple of months with nothing. It’s a clear case of her having the goodies, and me being in a state of starvation.  It was actually less than an hour after posting my previous post, in fact.

There was some good holding and kissing and nakedness that took place.  I do like it when it happens, which is why I resent it being such a rare occurrence.  As every behaviorist knows, a lean and variable schedule of reinforcement is the most effective way of maintaining a certain behavior.

“Was it worth getting off the computer for?” she askes.

“Ummmm, yeah it was.” I answer in the dark. “Was it worth missing some sleep for?”

“Yes!”  Her own enthusiasm and lack of hesitation sort of surprises me.

We both missed more sleep as we talked longer about more stuff.  Nothing at all heavy, just logistical stuff involved with raising kids.  This was the  middle of the week, so that made it more surprising.  But she had just gotten back from a therapy session, so maybe that had something to do with it.

So it isn’t all cut and dried so easily.  Sex does happen sometimes, and I like it when it does even if I have to sort of not dwell on her particular approach to initiating.  I’d like there to be more intimacy within sex play that was not so goal intensive, but that is mega difficult when I am under such a lean schedule.  I would like to be able to engage in sex play when I wasn’t starving so much and could enjoy it more for the fun of it instead of out of some sort of need. I would like there to be more play, but for Arwyn that is asking an awful lot.