Scatterbrained

September 30, 2006

Okay, I’m not as overtly horny…I don’t think. But I do have a shorter fuse from rest to arousal and it takes a little longer to settle down. It’s as if it is just below the surface and once things get going, the squeeze of the cage begins its own feedback loop.

And if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Christian Husband is in league with Satan!LOL! I don’t know what it is, but the guy sure can write hot post if he puts his mind to it!

I’ve been breaking from blogging just because the fall weather has beckoned me outside and doing other RL activities. I’d much rather be fucking than any of these other activities, but Arwyn shows no inclination. However she does tolerate a bit more hugging and kissing than she has the past few months. But there is nothing particularly hot to report. I wish there was, but there isn’t. So I’ll just write all scatterbrained-like.

I’ve been locked up for about 10 days, now. I am really, really looking forward to getting out of this thing! It’s getting into the “This is kind of fun, but it’s also a pain in the ass” stage.

Satan revealed that being a keyholder actually intensified her need for attention, which I found really interesting. I would not have predicted that outcome, but this is new territory for me, as well. This was not at all true for Arwyn. In fact, the extra attention she got seemed to bother and annoy her more than anything. But this could be part of the HL/LL difference. Some have made a case that there are no real differences between the two, but this is fairly clear evidence that there is. Those of us on the HL side often get accused of wanting more the more we get. We are accused of being insatiable. To a LL person, the HL is insatiable, because they can not possibly muster enough energy and effort to reach HL levels of satiation.

Satan seems to be on the higher level of desire, so being a keyholder merely primes the pump as far as her need and desire for attention. And make no mistake about it, whether I mention it or not, my (blogger) eye is absolutely FIXED upon her, and everything she writes on her blog, every comment she writes on mine and whatever other comments of hers I happen to come across. Just thinking about thinking about her makes things feel a bit confining, if you get my meaning. But I expected that, and have actually worked on minimizing that somewhat. I mean I COULD maybe spend much, much more time writing about Satan, the blogger, and my growing fixation with her facilitated by the fact that she has the key to my cock in her mental pocket. I’m not sure how that would be greeted as I suddenly turn into some sort of stalker pervert. Do not mistake relative silence on the matter for lack of intensity. It’s there.

I’ll be posting a new poll as soon as blogpoll decides to behave. I mean I think I’ve done my time pretty decently, don’t you?


D.


Moods and Comfort

September 26, 2006

The past week, I’ve written about the ramping up of the cage and its effects.  In fact that’s the typical pattern, where I ramp up for several days and then I begin looking forward to release.  There is generally an energizing effect in all of this.  But with longterm lock-up, with some level of uncertainty there is another mood that creeps in after several days.  It’s not exactly sexual arousal, but there is a link there.

 

Sexual release in whatever form is a source of fun, amusement and excitement.  It is also a source of comfort.  I remember now where that draw to Arwyn truly comes from.  It is deeper than simply getting aroused and wanting to get off.  It comes from the human need for human contact and comfort.  The need for attention.

 

For Satan or anyone else contemplating getting such a device this is a real consideration.  This is precisely the thing that women either really like or really dislike about chastity.  This neediness that appears comes from that need for comfort.  I’m thinking this might be true for those who might not be masturbating without a device as well.  Being locked up may just push it along quicker. Some women may really like all the physical attention where it is not a prelude for sex.  Some women may find it annoying.

 

Arwyn sort of likes it but within an exceedingly narrow spectrum.  This phase really kicked in yesterday afternoon.  A sort of meloncholy washed over me when I got home from work.  Her and the boys were at a therapy appointment which meant I was home alone for a bit.  This would normally be prime time for some self-pleasure and would have lifted me right out of the funk.  But nothing doing now.  The extra key is locked in the trunk of her car!

 

Fortunately, her and the boys were home very shortly after I got home and for the first time in awhile I gave Arwyn a hug and a mini-back rub.  Once more later in the evening and again this moring.  I just craved her physical touch.  It wasn’t so much about sex as about comfort.  I’m definitely in a deeper space today than even a couple days ago.  Getting myself off was a source of comfort of a sort.  It was the place I could go for my own self.

 

So now the focus shifts away from myself towards getting comfort from someone else.  While it isn’t sex, per se, there is a sexual component to it.  It’s not something I can get from my kids, nor should I.  But that is the well I think Arwyn and many women draw from for their physucal and emotional comfort when their spouses are either not available or not wanted.  They use the kids as a surrogate relationship to the exclusion of reciprocal adult intimacies.

 

And us men tend to turn inward to ourselves.

 

Hmmm.  Okay, I’m going stop here for now and think about this some more to decide if this line of thought is worth pursuing.  I am sleeping better through the night.  While waking up, I’m not necessarily being driven out of bed by the jagged pain of the erections.  They are either becoming less or I’m aclimating!

 

D.

 

 


Thoughts on D/s

September 25, 2006

Cinnimon, of all people, is ruminating about D/s, specifically the power exchange aspect of it and wonders, “why?”  It’s not as if there isn’t enough variety in vanilla sex.  Why are some people attracted to a dominant or submissive role?  A while back some guys on the chastity listserve covered this, and a good number responded by saying “Who cares?  Just enjoy it!”

 

 

And for many, this is a perfectly legitimate response.  In fact, a sub might be better off if they just go with their feelings rather than thinking too much.  But some of us are unable to shut off our brains like that.  Although one of the hallmarks of being in subspace is pushing most thoughts out and giving in to the sensations without analyzing.

 

 

So, I’ll share a few of my thoughts on domspace and subspace.  First off, I need to say I am not a very good sub.  Seriously.  And over analyzing might be the reason for my poor performance as a sub.  Or perhaps because my wife isn’t remotely like a domina.  But I don’t think it is fair to blame her for my shortcomings as a sub.  

 

 

Subspace to me, is getting out of a body’s head and into the feelings of the moment.  It is surrendering and giving over control.  And Cinn is correct in her assumption that it does involve a relatively high level of trust.  If I want to get into subspace, I need to get past my head and let myself be taken over by the sensations of being dominated.

 

However…

 

 

The only reason I’m able to do that is because I’m giving myself over to someone I trust; me.  At one time it might have been Arwyn but even then I couldn’t get lost in it.  I was still thinking too much.  So those folks I cited above were actually closer to it by not worrying about why.  In fact, sex is all about getting lost in the moment.

 

 

Domspace is a bit more cerebral, but not much.  It still involves getting lost in the moment.  But it involves a bit more action, planning, imagination and being in tune with the one being dominated.  While a sub, during a scene, can surrender and concentrate on self, the person doing the dominating needs to be observant of the sub’s reactions and responses.  And getting in tune with those responses is where the appeal lies.  Breathing, sweat, noises, twitches, flinches, and squirming around are all sources of feedback for a dom.  And domspace involves feeding off of that feedback.  So in one one sense, being a sub involves being in tune with your own feedback.  There’s an intricate dance between the two partners, one providing one kind of sensory input which gets translated into something more intimate.

 

 

Thing is, I am not really into dominant women.  Really and truly I am drawn towards women who have a more submissive nature.  However, there is a sort of fantasy of having a quiet, demure woman get turned on in the bedroom and become more assertive.  But this sort of dynamic does not seem to occur often.  The sort of women 8 am attracted to are not terribly assertive in many areas.  Arwyn is a case in point, where she neither takes the initiative nor does she willingly accept initiative taken by me.  Which means the trust probably isn’t there.

 

 

And this is why I am not probably ever going to be a very good submissive.  I have the capacity to give up some control and power, but it is measured and limited.  I am somewhat keen to explore more, but I can not say that I am into the whole spanking, sissy boy, humiliation, painslut scene.  I flat-out don’t like pushy women or domineering women.  While it might seem Arwyn dominates me, she really does not.   But neither does she respond well to being dominated.  Which begs the question:  Why does there have to be any power exchange at all?  Can’t it just be shared?

 

 

I’m willing to do that, but the concept of equitable sharing is simply not there with Arwyn.  I like how Christian Husband recently described a sort of feedback loop where the couple feeds off of each other’s goodwill and pleasure.  However, like his wife, Arwyn does not see things that way.  She expects things to be provided and done no matter what the feelings while not wanting any expectations of reciprocation placed on her part.  I am expected to provide while I am allowed to expect nothing in return.  

 

 

And this is what brings many of us into power exchange.  Even if we may not necessarily be good subs, it is preferable to have a more explicit arrangement.  Since you’re going to be determining when, if, how and where we have sex, why not go ahead and have me wear a cock cage to reinforce this arrrangement?

 

Because then it would actually shift responsibility entirely and explicitly to where it belongs: the one who is doing the dictating.  But she wants to dictate without really having the label of dictator.

 

 

Okay, back to D/s…

 

 

By letting Satan hold the key, I get a chance to at least get a small taste of the power exchange with someone else who is keen to explore the other side of it.  I get to see what it might be like having someone who might actually devote a bit of time towards thinking about the state of my caged member and not label me a wierd pervert.  I can let go just a bit.  I don’t have to work so hard domming myself.

 

 

The appeal to me has always been in the contradictions.  I can feel pleasure and pain at the same time.  Anticipation and frustration join together to produce a different sort of pleasure.  It’s so much a part of being in my head while losing my head.  I want in and I want out at the same time.  That’s what it has always been about for me, where my mind and body are stretched and tested just a bit.  Having you all along for the ride makes the trip a lot less lonely!  So thanks for reading and letting me share.

 

Hopefully I haven’t totally messed up the topic!

 

D.

 

 


Night #4

September 24, 2006

Last night I was up until about midnight blogging which is a no-no while locked up. Mainly because I get woken up more and more as the night progresses as I’m locked in longer. It’s the downside of being in the mental sweet spot.

Cagedone’s comment about things being fairly rough the first week matches my own experiences. The night time erections pull, pinch and strain against the cage fiercely. There are generally three ways to deal with these things. One is to go sit down for a pee. This relieves a lot of the pressure and is generally my method of choice because I seem to get back to sleep faster this way. Another way to relieve erectile pressure is to just walk around for a bit. This takes a bit longer than taking a piss but is generally a quieter less messy way of getting an erection settled down. Walking to the refrigerator to get ice or a cold wash clothe can speed things along.

However, I have found another way to deal with these things where I can stay in bed without just suffering through it. It involves sleeping with the Aneros inserted. A night time erection puts pressure everywhere (which is what makes it so uncomfortable) but with the Aneros inserted, the edge is taken off by my prostate getting some stimulation. I’m still getting awakened, but I can flex my PC muscles and actually leverage that erectile tension into something slightly more pleasurable. The erection does pass, but it’s not driving me out of bed in the meantime.

So now I’m in that stage where I can mentally hold on to a lot more arousal. I’ll probably wake up 4-5 times tonight, but I get more of a charge during the day, too. So I’m actually getting in to and adjusting to subspace. I start making breakfast in the morning and doing more chores around the house. If it were Arwyn holding the keys instead of Satan, the floors would be vacuumed, swept and mopped! As it is, she is still benefiting quite a lot.

However, Arwyn is NOT playing along. We haven’t talked about the cage since around last Christmas when the keys were given to her as part of her holiday scavenger hunt. And back then, she basically said she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the cage. No key holding or anything. It was too much pressure and responsibility. I have honored her request that I carry on, if I must, without her. She knows about the Timelock and I set it up where she can check it anytime if she wants. She could even extend my time anytime she wants. She never has fooled with it at all as far as I know.

Does she know I’m locked up? She has to suspect. It’s the only time I wake up in the middle of the night several times. I’m up earlier. We’re using more toilet paper. I’m going to bed earlier. The other morning she did come in the bathroom while I was in the shower and might have checked me out. But she hasn’t said anything. I’m sure she’ll know at some point. But I don’t rely on her to react in any certain way.

I’ll write more about how it does help overcome certain obstacles and bridge certain gaps between us in the future. In the meantime, I am woefully behind in my reading!

D.


Day 3 and Counting

September 24, 2006

For the first time, my WordPress site surpassed my blogger one in page views. Again, I don’t get stats like returning visitors but there it was.

Night #3 (Nice of you to ask, Satan!) was a bit more rambunctious than the first two. I can feel the tension starting to ramp up. Going 3 days without getting off is nothing for me, anymore. Maybe 4-5 days is a more common interval for me nowadays. However, the cage brings that tension on a bit quicker by exacting a price for each and every erection. Normally a guy sleeps through those night time festivities until he has that massive woodie in the morning that he wakes up with. In my case, I was awakened several times in the night until the 5 a.m. express that keeps me awake longer. I’m getting better at getting back to sleep and things will settle down after a week or so. But in the tension department, I’m definitely in that sweet spot where desperation and frustration begins to increase my sensitivities to the sensual and erotic.

Having Satan holding my key ramps things up a bit more. And she occasionally posts about these hot hot hott encounters she has with her husband! Of course there’s only so much she can do with just the lockword. She does have the power to release me or not, which is pretty significant. But there are many, many more features to this Timelock program which allows more complete control. Things like changing my display, hiding it, shortening my time or extending it. All of these can be done via encryption over the internet. All she needs to do is get registered.

Moving on, I’m thinking I might make WordPress the home of most of the chastity cage oriented material while keeping things toned down a bit for the Blogspot audience. I’m just looking at who feeds into each, and the WordPress readership is a faster growing and kinkier audience but not very chatty. Blogspot harbors a more talkative group that isn’t into the kink as much.

I don’t expect everyone to be into this. This is out there, on the fringe. It is a smallish subgroup even within the D/s crowd. Even though half a million devices are sold annually, many are bought by the same people who try out new things and are upgrading. I wouldn’t mind upgrading to a Jones or Neosteel myself someday!

And yes, these are made for women, too. Oh yes! Even guys not into male chastity can appreciate the look of a woman wearing shiny steel underwear! Many women wear these as anti-rape devices as well as for kinky games. I would richly enjoy having a woman locked up! Arwyn would definitely not go for it! She might consider the anti-rape angle if she felt threatened enough, I suppose.

But that might give you an inkling of where my fantasies lie, for those that were wondering. I think it would be kind of hot if we were both locked up and perhaps let loose at different times and let out at the same time sometimes.

D.


How Satan Became Satan

September 22, 2006

I suppose it is only fitting that Satan was the lucky winner of the chastity keyholder poll.  And let’s face it, would any of you want anyone else holding my keys?

I didn’t think so.

And it will sound extraordinarily strange hearing Mr. Evangelical saying this, but I couldn’t help but root for Satan, myself.  What very few of you know, is that Satan the blogger and I have a fairly long and substantial history.  In fact, I go further back with her than anyone else around blogland even before we had our respective blogs.  And we both had a large impact on each other’s blogging form and style.  So it really is only fitting.  And wierd.
Plus it really does ramp up the tension considerably.  You have no idea.

To understand our history, we should go back to the beginning.  No, not the garden of Eden.  iVillage, which I suppose could be close to it for some people.  But our small corner of iVillage was NOT even close to paradise.  In fact, it had to be one of the lowest rungs of hell as no one who was there was exactly happy.  Everyone was miserable.  If it wasn’t Hell, it was one of the most miserable places on earth.  The board was called “Clashing Libidos.”  Today, it is called “Mismatched Libidos” which I have no idea why it changed.  My stint there began around 1999, I think.  Ironically, I was introduced to iVillage by Arwyn who was a regular member of the parenting and mommy boards.  I was a big poster to various newsgroups but began gravitating towards that particular message board more and more.

iVillage is mostly a women’s place, but there were quite a number of guys there, too. However, unlike usenet where it was almost exclusively men talking about not getting laid, on iVillage it was dominated by women.

Heh!  “Dominated!”  hehehe

Where else could you find a place where there were a bunch of horny, frustrated women?  Like a lot of men, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around guys who did not seem to want to have sex with their very willing, ready and able young wives.

In the earliest days, there were actually quite a lot of women there who were on the other side: they did not like sex and were wondering how they could get their drives back.  I learned even more from the LL women than the HL women.  They were intelligent and courageous as they ran the risk of being blasted by the HL hoard of both men and women.

Anyway, Satan was definitely in the HL category, if you haven’t guessed already.  Back then, I was known as “Tomatoman” or just “T-man” for short.  And it was while I was there that I began exploring the whole idea of chastity and the cage.  Get it?  Tomatoman + cage = tomato cage?!LOL!

Satan was not satan there, either. I’ll let her reveal her other identity as she wills.  But my “Top Ten Signs of a LL Partner” debuted there several years before I had a blog, and it still occasionally draws a comment or two.  Mostly along the lines of “Shit!  I wish I had seen this BEFORE I got married!”

iVillage was cool, but there were some major drawbacks.  I could not say “shit” or “fuck” if I wanted.  I couldn’t even leave a link to altairboy’s site in some places without some over-zeadous community leader censoring me.  I occasionally chided someone for being a doofus and would get letters from ivillage notifying me that I was violating their TOS and that I was in danger of being TOSed.  The folks in Clashing Libidos were tolerant of my kinks but not many were really into it.  I tried posting on other boards like the supposedly kink-friendly “Taboos” board but all they wanted to talk about was anal sex.  The Cosmo board was overrun by 19 year-olds talking about exploring oral sex and various positions.  Not that there is anything wrong with any of these!  But I was feeling very stifled creatively.

It was the 2004 election, and Dan Rather was brought down by the effort of several astute bloggers and it made headlines.  This put bloggers and blogging on the map like nothing else.  I looked into it, and lo and behold, that was my answer.  I could have my own place where I could post what I wanted and I could control it as I saw fit.  And it was then that i started a little place known as Sensual Dementia.  I posted my URL a time or 2 on iVillage, while i gradually built content.  I think there might still be a few people around who wandered in from the iVillage Clashing Libidos board.

Satan was one of them.  But she wasn’t Satan…yet.  She started as Anonymous.   My content was not a lot different than it is now.  It was a mixture of daily drama and various thoughts about being in a relationship.  This snarky, anonymous commenter showed up and was pretty relentless in insisting that I should leave or cheat or find someone else to meet my needs.  The comments went on about how my wife didn’t love me, never would and that it was a hopeless situation.

Basically, I read these as the sort of comments one would make if they were trying to break up a family.  And since she remained anonymous over several rounds of comments, I nicknamed her Satan.  I even found a URL for the devil at the time.   She ended up embracing the nickname, so the rest is history.

There is one additional part to it.  She made some comment either in comments or in iVillage about me and my blog, and in it she said that while she liked my writing I could be a “condescending prick” at times.    Rather than get offended, I thought about it and embraced the whole concept, which is why you see it in the title of my blogger blog title to this day.  Thing is, at the time she made the comment, I didn’t know it was her that had made it.   So in a sense, we each ended up directing and defining the title of the other’s blog!

To summerize: Satan became Satan because of a condescending prick.  The condescending prick became what he is because of Satan.  And now, Satan owns the balls of said condescending prick.  There is some sort of weird symmetry here that I haven’t quite figured out.

D.


Okay, it is ON!

September 20, 2006

I was reading “A Blossoming” (pt.1) last night and decided that I might enjoy one last amusement park ride on the tilt-a-couch. Arwyn had conveniently done a fresh load of laundry so that meant a pile of clean socks. Um, yeah. That’s kind of a passive-aggressive thing. A better way might be simply asking for a handjob but at the present time it holds a bit less appeal.

I also set the Timelock for 3 weeks, 1 day, 12 hours and 45 minutes. The remote lockword was set using Commenter #2’s remote lockword encryption. Whoever you are, you are now a proud owner of a virtual key! I suppose if we don’t learn the identity of this person, I’ll have to make up a name, since Commenter #2 seems awkward and impersonal. And let’s face it, owning a guy’s cock (even virtually) merits something more personal than “Commenter#2”! One challenge is that I don’t know whether this person is a male or female! I guess “Keyholder” will suffice for the moment.

I suppose that is the charming suspense of the whole thing, isn’t it? Not knowing. So we have ourselves a bit of a mystery and a cliffhanger around here!

I have a couple of suspicions, but we’ll see.

I’ve also been wondering how Cagedone is faring. I’m guessing his wife has probably forgotten all about him.

This is a tragic but common situation amongst the enforced chastity crowd, especially guys with a non sexually driven partner. We can quickly become forgotten even while our capacity to forget diminishes! So we become more desperate for release, our spouses become more forgetful.

This is why so many of us guys find the idea of a sexually driven woman who becomes more and more horny over time such a foreign concept. It simply goes against most of our experiences! Can sexual desire be increased, changed, altered and improved in LL partners? There seem to a large number of people working on just this very thing!

As for me, I’m coming ’round to the idea that it is less about any partner I have than it is about me. I wish I had more time and opportunity to explore partner sexuality but that’s not my lot. I am now probing my own sexuality, by myself….with a bit of help from my invisible, internet friends!

D.