At Least the Suspense is over

October 25, 2008


Each year at this time, I keep wondering where things might go and I look back to where I’ve been. And by reading a lot of you, you know what I’m talking about because a lot of you are football fans. And perhaps Charlie Brown fans.

It was an enjoyable day today, overall. But I was kind of hoping for a bit…er…more. And it is mostly my fault for expecting stuff that I may have no business expecting. I mean, it’s always been this way, and I’ve always landed on my back without kicking that football. But each year I have this hope that THIS will be the year. Afterall, there have been some remarkable breakthroughs. This time last year I was in the middle of a 2 year drought. So we are already better off and two weeks isn’t all that big of a deal mostly.

I was at 196 last year and now I’m closer to 206, and going in the wrong direction! I need to get wit the program!

I got new socks (black!) shorts that were on clearance (it’s cold here in Georgia– 46 or something like that!) and some new exercise shorts. So I’ll have to make a new video or two. And Arwyn did take us out to eat to a place I’ve gotten to like the past few months for their zalads. We put the kids to bed and then it was bed time for one of us. Blog time for the other.

It’s actually bed time for me, now, but I figured I would sort of live blog here. Going to give this here couch a work out first, though.


October 19, 2008

I’ve been thinking about FTN’s blogger Meet-Up this weekend, and wondering what I’m going to do about my own blogging situation. There’s a part of me that would really, really like to be there hobnobbing with the folks who I have been virtually hobnobbing with for the last several years. In fact, y’all are not a problem at all for me.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Or rather it has been about a lot of the content that I have subjected my readers to over the past few years. As I noted in a comment below, I was more of a sex blogger when I wasn’t actually having sex…with someone else. I guess that’s because I had more time, energy and frustration to channel into this hobby! I was also channeling more kinky energy into it, and the kinksters loved me for it. They love everyone who is willing to channel that sort of energy, and the chastity community was particularly generous. They have more frustrated energy to channel than most, though. That is probably the one storyline that might keep this blog alive. If I ever get into that again (with Arwyn’s full participation) then I would definitely need a place to write about those experiences and an anonymous blog is the perfect place for that. At least for me…Tom Allen has really managed to make it work for him right out there in the open with assorted (or sordid) pictures. He’s got more courage and skill than me. Maybe when I get to be his age…

There are a couple of issues tugging at me. One is one Xavier recently had to deal with. That is balancing his level of exposure with his need to be anonymous. He was really “getting out there” with pictures, blogs and even some videos while sharing some of his inner world with us. When he was outed, he ended up having to sanitize his content in order to avoid pissing off his wife. It’s just lucky he didn’t go dark altogether. In my case, there is a desire to extend out more. I do have another blogiverse that is open, legit and out there and it is also infinitely more popular than this little corner of the universe. Trouble is, it is respected and respectable and read by really important people. If you type certain words into Google, that blog is the first thing that pops up. Arwyn hears from some of her friends who like reading it. She feels ambivalent about that level of exposure, even as minimal as it is. She would totally melt down if this blog got out to THAT population! And so would I.

So this blog (and all of my blogs linked to it) have become liabilities to that other universe. I would have no problems whatsoever with any of you going over there. I might even have slipped that way a time or two and have even invited a couple people over there when I thought they needed that information. But those folks could not survive the glare, shock and awe of coming over here! Then, yeah, the whole place goes dark pretty much instantly.

My Unsolicited Advice Blogger Site might be able to survive that sort of purge just because it was designed to stay pretty sanitized as far as personal content for just that reason. If I needed to get rid of personal posts, that would be the last anonymous fall-back position since it isn’t very widely read anyway. But it might be worth reading and looking at what I wrote way back in July. I saw this crapfest we’re in coming from a distance.

Arwyn. She is TOTALLY not down with this sort of thing. At all. Her exposure here, by virtue of the prevailing theme and storyline, is very extensive. If she ever got into this archive, it would probably slide us back into the stone age, marital progress-wise. The further we get, progress-wise, the less I am willing to risk it all. This blog ends up being a liability on that front. It’s just a mine waiting to go off. There’s no way I could possibly sanitize it, short of nuking the whole archive, which might be the way it goes.

So here’s the deal. While I do have some video content, it’s always from the waist down. The day I decide to give up the schizophrenic/multiple personalities/many faces dilemma, you all get get to see me full-on. No, not THAT, ya pervs! Besides, you’ve already seen it if you’ve been reading me long enough! But I’m already working on something that would be a finale of sorts. It wouldn’t be me closing a door as much as opening up a brand new one. At least that’s the theory.

Which brings me back to the original thought of FTN’s little convention. You folks will have a bit of an advantage of a sort in you know each other on a different level. Yeah, it will be interesting to see how he negotiates the oral sex topic or if he ends up going dark after everyone pesters Autumn about why she isn’t giving that up for him before he goes and finds himself an intern or something. Or the comments to Desmond about his Monkey Business. Good times!

I’m having issues with the anonymous blog life and the RL digital life and bridging the whole business of the public (and personal) trust. Sex blogging and my real life occupation do not intermix so very well. In fact, they don’t mix at all. But I haven’t been that good of a sex blogger for quite some time. My traffic is way down. My single most popular post was written in 2005 when I wrote about sticking something up my butt. It out did my next most popular post by a 4:1 margin. I peaked out when AAG was my keyholder and her thousands of fans mobbed my little site. Before the move to WordPress, I could draw in 350 hits a day. Now, I hover around 50, unless I really churn out content and then I can score about 100. And that really is fine, because I’m not looking for a high profile here. I like the few regular readers and friends that I have. It’s a more intimate and friendly crowd, even when we bicker about stuff.

Anyway, I am seriously jonesing for some news about the Indie meet. I just know there was some naked hot tub action!

Hopefully someone brought a video camera.


More Marital Progress

October 16, 2008

I’ll let others continue the argument. We are not going to settle the reformation here. I reread my comment on RS and saw it read a lot snarkier than I meant, so I knew it’s time to move on to other matters that are more immediate.

I’ve discovered that this blog is a lot less important to me, as far as processing and hashing things out than it was a year ago. Now that Arwyn and I are communicating a bit better, plus we have a therapist, the blog therapy is a lot less critical. In fact, it is sometimes just a bother. To be sure, there are still things I like about it and I do enjoy the folks who I swap linky love with. Even those who vex me.

Arwyn and I had another joint therapy day, and we spent a lot of time discussing how far we have come. The topic of initiation was the major theme, as that was an assignment given about a month ago (around the same time we did the 20 things post) which I did and she didn’t. But as he explained the assignment and how historically there is a sort of pursuit-avoidance dynamic between men and women it became apparent that we had traveled through this and over it and past it.

Basically, I used to pursue Arwyn all the time. I kept accurate records of how many initiations I made and how many times I was turned down and how many times I was rejected. I was playing the odds. Arwyn always felt pressured and she always felt that no matter what she did, it wasn’t enough. And she was turned off.

The therapist brought up another dynamic and theme, which was her perfectionistic attitude paired with the both of us needing and wanting approval. We are both the oldest of 2 other siblings, and so both felt the pressure of responsibility. We both felt judged by our parents and we both suffered from near constant insecurities. In my case, this translated into only feeling secure and loved in direct proportion to the amount of sex and affection I was getting from my wife. This wasn’t exactly unconditional love.

The therapist ended the session by asking a rather surprising (but timely) question. He asked us what our views of God were. Afterall, he is a Christian sex therapist, so this isn’t all that far out of line. He said the reason why he asked is because often our view of God is influenced by our own fathers, and the expectations they put on us. Arwyn had serious issues with hers (including sexual abuse that she’s never talked to me about) and I had some issues with mine. For both of us, there was a lot of expectations based on us being the oldest. There were also mistakes our parents made as they were learning to be parents. Basically, we both felt like we were judged on what we did. For Arwyn, this translated into a bent toward perfection. For me, there was actually a sort of rebellion against perfectionist expectations. But for both of us, there have been some real control issues.

The break through for both of us has been letting go of the performance/control issues. We are trying to stop judging the other for what they are or not doing for us. I learned how to take responsibility for my own emotional issues instead of blaming Arwyn for everything. I could guilt her into having sex with me, but the quality of the sex was so poor, it wasn’t even worth the trouble.

It isn’t her job to make me happy. Once I learned and accepted that, life became infinitely easier. It’s not my job to make her happy, either. But it is my responsibility to care for and cherish her. I do things for her because I really enjoy her pleasure. I enjoy her happiness. And we are starting to relearn how to have fun together, to laugh and to joke around. A year ago, that rarely happened.

So my answer to the therapist pretty much echoed my earlier posts on the subject. It is not about expectations and the guilt brought on by a failure to perform a certain way. The religion = guilt cliche exists for a very good reason, and one does not have to hang out with religious people for very long before it shows up. Someone will try to use it to shackle you to their own agenda whether or not it has anything to do with God. And that’s what I would do to Arwyn. I made her feel like a Bad Wife for not living up to her duties and for not submitting to her husband. Guilt is not a particularly big turn-on. Anything she did for me because of that was not authentic and not very pleasurable for her. And the fact that I could derive any pleasure at all from that tactic says more about my own depravity than her percieved shortcomings.

Last night, we had put the kids to bed and then we retired to our bedroom and talked a bit. And joked a bit. And wrestled a bit. And made out a bit. And then Arwyn said that she was really tired but said she wanted us to have some time the next night. I was rock hard wanted to have our time now! But I also wanted to see the PBS Frontline special on the presidential candidates. So I was content to give her a final kiss and pad off to the living room to watch PBS and do a bit of blogging.

Sex is great, but if it is not mutually enjoyable it isn’t worth the trouble. I have other things I can do.

One last thing relating to “mutually enjoyable.” Arwyn has been able to have orgasms on a more regular basis lately. And I learned a couple new things about my own orgasmic physiology along the way.

You might recall some hardness/lasting issues that I had. One common suggestion is to get off before the sexual encounter in order to last longer. I tried that, and it didn’t seem to help much. Somewhere along the line, I stumbled into exactly the opposite strategy.

Basically what has happened the last few times is that it looks like I’m getting off before I even get inside her. In fact it is true, and was like an “Oh no!” moment. However, with some conscious restraint and with Arwyn’s continued attention and enthusiasm, it is more like a mini-orgasm and I have almost a zero refractory period. I get hard again and this time I can last as long as I want. The trick is to go into the encounter with a full head of steam, so to speak. Psychology plays into it as much as physiology so anything can be derailed at anytime, of course. But I would never have thought of this on my own as it goes against conventional wisdom. And frankly, Arwyn used to be of the mind to get it over with as quickly as possible, so her newer attitude is just as crucial here. She could’ve gotten discouraged, disgusted, angry or whatever, but instead she stayed for the ride and is glad she did. So am I.


Fun Things to Do

October 11, 2008

Arwyn and the boys were out of town, and I had the place to myself for almost the whole week, Monday-Friday. They got back Friday afternoon and I was really glad to see them. But it was also nice to have a week where I could do whatever I wanted. And I really did have fun.

– 1 bottle of wine (That took a coule of days)
– 1 6 pack of beer (As a tribute to the first Republican VP candidate…also took 2 days)
– 1 gallon of ice cream. Butter Pecan + chocolate almond. That took less time than either of the alcoholic beverages
– 1 pound dark chocolate M&Ms
– 1/2 pound cashews
– 3 rented DVDs (American Pie Wedding, Jurassic Park 3, 300)
– Catching up on other’s blogs and commenting – while buck naked
– Getting my blog traffic back up by starting a flame war
– NOT smoking
-Rode a couple miles on the bike

Looking at this list, it’s pretty clear that I tend toward being self-destructive and excess when she and the kids are away. But I also did do some bike riding and didn’t smoke, which is good. The smoking bit was actually really, really hard which is probably why I indulged in other various vices. But Arwyn does help me be a better person and want to be a better person. By the end of the third day, I was ready for her and the boys to come home. It was a nice break, but I’m glad its over too. It was like a mini-vacation which made me appreciate what I have even more.

And you can only imagine the weight gain this week. Egad, I have some serious work to do right through the holidays to make up for this one!

A Reply to XH Turned into a Post

October 10, 2008

It’s because I need more content here and because I’m too lazy to create more original stuff! You can see the original post and the discussion on my other blog here. I wanted to put a few more links into this one and put it out for more general consumption. I’m still working my way into the particulars, but I think most Christians will benefit from a little more reading on the subject. And yes, I am trying to be nice.

XH, no matter what I say or what I’ve said, I do want you to know that I appreciate your thoughtful participation in these discussions. You have consistently forced me to dig deeper and reach further in order to parse out what my beliefs really are, as well as educate myself. You have aways exasperated me in your pronouncements and your own statements of belief, which causes no small amount of irritation. You vex me. It has taken me some time to parse out why that is.

Probably the biggest source of conflict betwixt us, is your adherence to an orthodoxy that is contrary to basic protestant belief. In order to determine that, I had to boil out the essentials of protestant belief and once I did that, I saw more clearly what the trouble was. I found it by looking up the five solas of the Protestant reformation.

1. Sola Scriptura – By scripture alone. In many respects, you seem to abide by this, but you do take a Roman Catholic approach where they say scripture can only be interpreted through apostolic tradition. Your comments above readily show a commitment to the primacy of apostolic tradition in interpreting scripture. I do not subscribe ot this as you do, hence much of our conflict. You have your reasons for this. You and I are going to have to agree to disagree on this because there is a feud over this which spans generations. We will not solve it here.

2. Sola Fide – By Faith alone. Since this is an extension of sola #1, we will not find much agreement here. I say we are *declared* righteous by God. You say we are *made* righteous by God. Faith either yields justification and good works, or faith and good works yield justification. More simply, either you are saved by faith alone or you are saved by faith + works. You argue and operate from the second hence your final declaration above. We will not find agreement here, XH.

3. Sola Gracia – By grace alone. Our salvation is something that is totally unmerited by us sinners. God is the sole actor in in the grace that saves us and we can not act on our own behalf to earn more grace. There is no meritocracy in regards to salvation. That doesn’t mean there will not be rewards in Heaven, but salvation is not contingent upon our merit. This is in direct contradiction to the second half of your first comment above. No wonder you drive so many of us bonkers. You have us believing that you are a protestant, when in fact you do not adhere to its most fundamental tenets! You have your reasons. Is it reasonable for me to accept that two rational and intelligent people can come to two different conclusions on this? I am not saying we are both correct. I’m saying that we may agree to disagree. (If you follow the link, you’ll see that the Catholic, Lutheran and Methodists have actually found some common ground on this issue.)

4. Solus ChristusChrist Alone. This is the belief that there are no mediators between God and man save for Christ Himself. This is the fundamental belief in the priesthood of the believer. By all of your assertions above which seem to buttress the argument for apostolic succession and apostolic authority, this is a fundamental difference between us. We are not going to agree on this, XH. In your eyes, I am a heretic and destined for eternal damnation in the fires of Hell because I cling to this heresy. You have your reasons for believing as you do, but I do not agree with them because I have counter arguments arguing the opposite. I have tried to make them before, and may do so again. But this argument is about 450 years old. It will probably outlive both of us.

5. Soli deo gloria – glory to God alone. The apostles and the saints could do nothing apart from God and His grace. According them special privileges or status based on their merits or their works goes against this principle. The apostles were agents of God, empowered by the Holy Spirit. It is the same Holy Spirit that empowers each of us. We don’t need to venerate them, we need to give credit to God. In this respect, I don’t see you having any special issue here, XH, but I might be wrong. I’m not going to try to point out differences where none may exist. You and I may find common ground here.

But based on the discoveries here, it does beg the question as to how you legitimize your membership and affiliation in your own congregational denomination. Because it seems to me that you routinely argue and teach directly in opposition to 4 of the 5 basic tenets of Protestant belief. Your denomination was a break away from other more established protestant denominations and it suffers from divisions and schisms even more petty than those things we’ve discussed here!

You’re a smart guy, XH. Maybe even brilliant and gifted in this area. I have no doubt that you will be fast tracked into the leadership of your congregation and perhaps your denomination on a regional or even national level. Your solution to the ills of your church is to work hard in order to become a leader in authority so that you can compel your flock to conform to your teachings. Instead of breaking away, you force a slow bend. The founders of your outfit must be spinning in their graves!

What you are teaching here, is heresy to what they believed. You aren’t submitting under the authority of your elders, you are simply biding your time while introducing these ideas incrementally! It’s the old frog-in-the-kettle trick where you gradually increase the heat so no one even realizes that they are being burned. You can do this precisely because you are gifted and intelligent, and probably quicker on the uptake than those folks who are supposed to be in authority above you. And you are respected. That’s probably your biggest asset, because people will frankly forget a lot of what you teach them but they will remember your good character. And that is the way I want to finish this, because there are certain parts of this that might look bad on you. I don’t see it that way. I respect your sincerity and the legitimacy of your motives. You want to do what is right by those you care about. Got it. You have some very rational reasons for believing what you do, supported by both scripture and tradition. Got it. So do I.

I’m not willing to call you evil, despite your heresy and the error of your ways. Can you forgive me?


Just Catching Up

October 7, 2008

Time for a face lift, of sorts, around here. I like this new, crisper look to my blog. Maybe I’ll fiddle with the other blogs, too.

Speaking of which, there are updates on a couple of them, with more to come. arwyn and the boys are visiting her mother in Florida, so I have the house all to myself. And what good is having the house to myself unless I’m actually at home and in the house? Catching up on the blogging is high on my “To-do” list this week, which means catching up with all of you. I’m working my way around the neighborhood and trying to be generous with comments. Trying. Maybe I should work from the bottom of the list, since those folks seem to get the short shrift most of the time.

Anyway, we have successfully recovered from Georgia’s gas crisis. It was absolutely crazy-nuts around here a week ago. A body could not find gas at any price. One day, I pulled in to a station right behind a guy who was filling up. I was feeling pretty good about not having to wait in a long line until he pulled off and I tried to fill up. The pumps were empty, just like that. I was actually lucky in that my tank was pretty full at the start of this thing, so I could ride it out. But Arwyn was driving on fumes. I actually had to carry a gas can to get some gas for her whenever I found some. And it pretty much always involved waiting in line. The reason given for this was that the hurricanes caused refineries to shut down plus damaged some of the pipeline. It took several weeks for them to get the stuff back up to this area. We had the same problem after Katrina, and it was a mess. And our beloved Govenor, Sonny Perdue, proved himself a real chicken. When the going got tough, he got going…to Europe! The worst crisis in our state in decades, and he heads out of the country. What worthless, cowardly shit!

The gas crisis did reveal a real vulnerability we have, though, and I’ve been thinking about getting a bicycle. Trouble is, it is over 10 miles to work through some wild and untamed roads. Doing it without being killed would be a challenge, but I also need the exercise. I’m thinking about getting an electric-assisted bike to help out with the long trek and so I might be able to arrive at work without having to shower. I’m just thinking about it right now, but with increasing gas prices and my increasing need for exercise, it might be just the thing. Not a lot of people around here ride bikes at all, which is surprising considering the weather, but Georgia ranks among the most bicycle-unfriendly states in the country by virtue of a policy that pushes bikes off the road altogether. It seems to me that any comprehensive energy plan should include some two-wheeled options since 95% of people commuting are doing so ALONE. Kudos to XH for taking the bull by the horn.

More update later.