Why the Red Pill Movement Exists…

October 10, 2016

I saw this on Facebook and it brought me flying back to my blog as it totally triggered me.  I needed my safe space :-p


She never used “we just had sex last weekend” which leads me to believe that they didn’t else that would be the first line on Monday.   I went through years of this.   Years.   Look back in the archives.   Begging and pleading and trying to connect and then the few times an advance was tolerated, it was more or less like this glory-hole thing where she makes it as clinical and unpleasant as possible.

SO….2009 I stepped off that treadmill and stopped initiating.  In one of our last ever counseling sessions, the coundselor did this little assessment, asking us each to to give a score for areas of concern on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most distressed and 1 being the least.   Money….health….kids….sex…..several things I can’t remember.  My scores were generally on the lower end as I was not too distressed about many things and even my frustration over lack of sex was maybe a 6 or 7.  I was getting ver it.  But Arwyn’s scores were all 8 or higher!  I was kinda surprised she had rated herself an 8 on sexual distress.  We never really pursued that line with this second counselor and I didn’t bother to follow-up.  After all, it had already been 3-4 years of being sexless.  While I do miss sex, I miss the good kind, not the crappy, begrudging “Here, get it over with” kind.  I found other interests, other hobbies.  Sex is a great thing but it’s not the only thing.  And honestly, most of the time it isn’t worth the trouble we go through to get it.

I watched a few other of her videos and have a feeling that her little community might find itself over run with the Red-Pill, MGTOW crowd because she is sort of the arhctype stay-at-home mom, which is why so many other women love her.  And honestly, her video above nailed it perfectly and judging by the comments from other ladies it’s more the rule than the exception.  One fellow did run a translation in the comments that basically shows how a guy feels after getting rejected repeatedly.  Kudos to him, but he’s still in the early stages of this.  Basically in the early stages, us guys are pretty pussy addicted.  We’ll do anything to get it.   We’ll run ourselves into the ground for it.  We’ll beg, plead, try to reason and persuade.  We’ll bargain, even settling for terribly lopsided deals to get it.   That’s actually what marriage has become– the lopsided deal where the women hold all the cards and the men have none.

The idea is that marriage is where sex gains legitimacy between a husband and his wife.  That’s where it is supposed to be the most frequent and at its best.  Didn’t turn out that way for me though.  It became a source of frustration and conflict until it got to the point where there was so little pleasure compared to the cost where it wasn’t worth risking rejection.  Certainly not worth a fight.  And generally I’m happier and better off without constantly wondering if I did the right thing, did enough things, did pleasing enough things or if the odds were in my favor.

MGTOW 2 – The Party Line: Replying to Tim’s comment

September 19, 2015

Two posts in less than 2 days — something I haven’t done in about 5 or 6 years!  Thank you so much, Tim who commented on my last post and inspired me to come back to what could be an enlightening discussion.  Or just me looking foolish.

You can read Tim’s unabridged, complete and comprehensive treatment of MGTOW in the comment, but I’m going to put it below with my own responses here.  Others who have an interest can feel free to chime in the comments.  This is why I began blogging in the first place was because I wanted to have conversations about topics like this without being censored.  I’ll admit to being relatively new to MGTOW (or the singular version- MGHOW) but so are a lot of folks reading this.  Let’s get on with it:

Tim says:

Many people deride MGTOW because, in a gynocentric society, women are given priority in all things. Because of our heavily gynocentric system, women walking away from their traditional roles is equated with empowerment – while men walking away from their traditional roles is equated with misogyny, insecurity, immaturity and fear of women. See how that works? Shame men for being strong and independent – but praise women for the same. Likewise, women speaking of their freedom from the slavery of marriage is considered empowerment – while men freeing themselves from women’s destructive power is considered misogyny, insecurity, immaturity and fear of women. Again – men releasing themselves from women’s destructive power is derided – while women doing the same is hailed as liberation.

I think this is one of the best, most cohesive descriptions of why MGTOW (and other groups like it) exist.

Much of media and religion is setup to brainwash men into gynocentric robots that can’t be happy unless they’ve been validated by women. MGTOW is a direct threat to this power over men; hence MGTOW will be frowned upon by most women and a sizable portion of men. MGTOW isn’t a movement. We don’t have leaders to be attacked. MGTOW is a mindset.

I’m going to have some things to say later on in a future post about the role of religion in this, because modern day churches have set themselves up into gynocentric institutions, despite protestations that it’s supposedly a patriarchy.  There could be some debate about whether this is because women took it over or men simply abdicated but it’s safe to say that most houses of worship are hostile places for men.  I also alluded to the establishment of monasteries as perhaps the earliest roots of men going a different way from what society might otherwise want for men as self-sustaining communities that were able to exist and thrive apart from women.

The MGTOW mindset reverses the gynocentric brainwashing of men and introduces men to a lifestyle not dependent on female validation, freeing men from the all too frequent life destruction that accompanies giving women power over their lives – particularly through the most gynocentric of institutions – marriage.

90% of men’s life problems evaporate if they do but one thing – never give a woman psychical, psychological, emotional, legal, financial or spiritual power over your life. Nevertheless – media and religion push men to do just that – put their balls on the chopping block for women to destroy. Funny how that works. What would life be like for men if most didn’t give women this life destroying power over themselves?

Can you be married and be a MGHOW simultaneously? Can you be a smoker and a non-smoker simultaneously?

Hehe…well if there is a way to be a smoker and non-smoker simultaneously, I’m doing exactly that.  I’ve been vaping for a couple of years.  No fire, no smoke.  So maybe the analogy works better than I would have first thought.  Sure, I’m still getting nominal amounts of nicotine and possibly a few other foreign substances (I mix my own juice so I know exactly what is going into my tank) but it is not nearly as destructive as what I was doing before.  I LIKED smoking, even though it was bad for me.  But there was such an enormous overhead with the analog cigs that I was no longer willing to pay.  Burning the house down– that helped too.  But the bottom line is that I’m still engaged in part of the addiction but at the same time not as much and am in a better position to control my own habit.  I decide hoow much nicotine I get and have been decreasing it gradually to the point where it’s less than a third of where I started.  I’m working on it.

So I suppose as someone who is looking at being a MGHOW, I’m a recovering blue pill addict and doing it in the same purposeful, deliberate manner.  Weaning myself out where the emotional devastation that usually accompanies a man who gets blind-sided with divorce will be minimized.  The financial fall-out might take a bit more preparation but it’s the same.   The ‘nicotine’ of most married guys (or those seeking relationships with women) is sex.  That is the hook that women can use to catch and reel most guys in, and then they keep him strung out like a junkie, giving just enough to keep him hooked but not enough to keep him satiated.  In this way, I’m already ahead of most MGTOW fellows because I have been without for 5 years.  I quit begging for my fix and have learned to live without.  The overhead of sex just isn’t worth it.

MGTOW aren’t here to shame men that got married – we’re here to enlighten men on the increasingly destructive nature of relationships with women. Many MGTOW are divorced men or men that have otherwise been badly burned.  In the past 50 years, in the US alone, tens upon tens of millions of men’s lives have been destroyed by women through divorce. Every year, in the US alone, tens upon tens of thousands of men commit suicide. A man’s suicide rate skyrockets as a result of divorce – while women’s suicide rate following divorce remains static. 95+% of alimony and child support go from men to women – yet women are strong and independent. This massive, forced transfer of wealth (legalized theft and destruction of the patriarchy) has been going on for decades.

It’s right here where the voice of the presently married guys need to be heard.  MGTOW is dominated by 2 groups; the guys who have never been married and woken up before they got hitched and those who got burned.  In both cases, it’s people who have been disengaged by choice or by circumstance.  Those of us still in the kettle have a seat at this table because while the case is masterfully made about how divorce destroys the lives of men, there is also the effects it has on children.  And about half of these children are going to grow up to be men.  There is something to be said for trying to reverse some of the brainwashing and trying to raise boys who are more independent thinkers.  Guys capable of going their own way.  The guys who have no children can’t do that.  The divorced guys can, although part of the tyranny of family law is that often the role a father plays in the child’s life is marginalized after divorce, and the mother is then able to complete the indoctrination process unhindered.  Think about it: they spend an entire day in public schools where 95% of the teachers are women.  They go to church where women run the show and then go home to mom.  There’s no counter-balance except for those of us who are still in the mix.

Watch the debate on the Safe Campus Act. It will be extremely telling if it fails. If it does fail, with nothing similar to replace it, women will have won carte blanche to have men expelled from college after they have regret-sex or get dumped by their college boyfriends. Soon after that, women will push to have the same removal of men’s rights to presumption of innocence and due process enshrined in the criminal justice system – just as they’ve done with the VAWA. [Links add by me – DJ]

In the case of the Safe Campus Act, women won’t gain anything by the defeat of the bill that they don’t already have.  But both pieces of legislation cited above do point out the hazardous nature of being a man in our country today.  But they came about because of the hazardous nature of being a woman.   One of the unique things about MGTOW, compared to those who have advocated turning the clock back as traditionalists, is that it is moving forward in an assertive and non-violent way.  One would think that feminists who oppose violence against women and the objectification of women would jump on board and get behind this.  MGTOW is an anti-female objectification mindset.  It could be nicknamed the “Stop-thinking-with-your-dick” mindset.  It’s guys thinking with the wrong head that mostly gets them in trouble in the first place when it comes to women and often the violence comes when they aren’t getting what they want from the person they want.

Thanks for commenting and contributing, Tim!


MGTOW – Where was I when this party started?

September 19, 2015

Howdy ho!  To whomever is still around…

I knew I would be back here at some point because I keep seeing articles and news stories that catch my eye and I think “Gosh, these would make some good blogging topics!”  But the rest of my life would get in the way or I would get busy binge-watching old episodes of Survivor.  For the past few days I’ve been watching videos and visiting sites relating to this idea of MGTOW.  Men Going Their Own Way.  It’s a very interesting movement and the most serious adherents would probably claim that I have no legitimate business being part of it.  But I beg to differ.

First off, following the above link might not provide a very succinct description of what the movement is about.  Basically, it is men withdrawing from the dating game in a realization that society has stacked the deck against them in the social, economic and political arenas when it comes to relationships and marriage thanks largely to a feminist agenda.  I’m sure I have had a feminist reader or two (but prolly not much after today) but the MGTOW movement, while recognizing that men are victims of a rigged system, do not necessarily hate women.  They simply distrust them.  And instead of having an agenda that seeks to turn the clock back (like many traditionalists would do) they simply come to the realization that the entire game is simply not worth it.  And so they go their own way.  Which is to say, they aren’t interested in marriage or relationships with women.

It’s not really a new thing at all, now that it comes to me.  Monasteries and Convents have espoused a similar view for centuries, except instead of individuals going their own way, they decided to go God’s way.  I visited a local monastery a couple of times during the past year and bought a book on the subject and have to admit that there was some appeal to the concept of withdrawing from the fight altogether.  heaven knows my life over the past few years has become more and more monastic in the way it looks.  Other than the occasional porn.   But even right down to spending more time outside, with my newest hobby: beekeeping.  A body can learn a lot about about females when you are spending time with about 60,000 of them.

MGTOW is a movement that would seem tailor-made for a person like me except for one thing: I’m married.  The fundamental tenet of the movement (and the monastic movement) is that you eschew marriage and relationships in order to devote yourself too other things.  The secular version seems to be about devoting oneself to oneself.  But regardless, the focus is on investing oneself into other things besides the modern practice of constantly chasing and seeking after female approval and validation.

Before I go a lot further, I’m well aware that women suffer from similar conditions: seeking after male validation and approval.  However I don’t believe it is as acute as it is for men and I’ll explain why that is presently.

When I look at my present circumstances, and any sort of quest for freedom, happiness or contentment, I find myself staring down a very deep abyss that has kept me from making any sort of move since starting this blog.  Basically, the one suggestion that I have never taken but has been suggested over and over and over again is the route of divorce.   Family law takes a dim view of a guy walking away just for the hell of it.  While sexual inertness could be a just cause in some eyes, the law doesn’t see it on the same terms as infidelity.  Walking away would be a case of economic and familial Armageddon.  It would be mean putting the kids through a lot of turmoil, it would mean a terrible drop in our standard of living, which already rests right on the poverty line.  This does not mean I could never exercise that option, but what we have going now is probably the best option.  Basically, I have my space and she has hers.  And we share the kids while I pay for pretty much all the necessities and she pays for what she wants.

I’m sure I have mentioned it before, but Arwyn is not very good at managing resources of any sort.  So my presence does at least provide some financial stability for the boys as they grow up and hopefully get to a spot where they might be able to fend for themselves.  There’s mitigating circumstances on that as well, relating to disabilities but I’m thinking I’ll end up taking that on eventually on my own.  At least I’m prepared to do that if/when necessary.

One thing about the MGTOW movement is that there has not really been much of a conversation about guys like me: guys who discovered the “Red Pill” only after already being married.  Most f the movement’s energy is directed toward preventing guys from making the mistakes we’ve already made.  Which is all fine and good, but I think there is a place for us married guys at the table.  Afterall, we have inside knowledge of what the danger signs are and what awaits the unwary and hapless fellow who happens to get involved to the point where he’s looking at all of the liabilities and none of the benefits of marriage.

I’m certain Arwyn has weighed the pros and cons of divorce in her own mind.  If I were making more money to be able to afford lots of child support and alimony, she would have either kicked me out or moved out a long time ago as she isn’t much happier than I am with where we are in the marriage.  We haven’t acknowledged our wedding anniversary for about 5 years and it’s been about that long since I made any effort towards valentines day.  I do help the boys pick out stuff for her for Christmas and her birthday.  In a lot of ways, we have sort of gone our own way.   But there is still expectations that I pay for everything, take care of the house and the food while not having a lot of say in what happens within the house.  I can;t leave my little office without her rushing at me to fix or solve some problem that she has with her stuff or with the boys.  I’m expected to continue to be her utility while she gets to be…I suppose a baby sitter?

The kicker is that I haven’t really seen any indication that this condition would be substantially improved living with a different woman.  In fact it could be a lot worse if I was living with someone who screamed and yelled all the time.  Sure, there hasn’t been any sex in over 5 years but it’s not like the sex was that great before that.  Basically I’ve arrived at the dominant conclusion within the MGTOW movement: The pussy just isn’t worth it.

To be fair, I have absolutely no doubt that there are women who have arrived at a similar conclusion when it comes to men, except that a premium has never really been placed on male sexuality as much as his ability to provide.  However the women who gravitated here were ones who had the misfortune of seeing their own sexual values minimized, which given all of the sexual stereotypes amounted to a sort of wild blind-side.   I’ve seen pics of a few and these were not ugly women either.  They simply ended up with guys who checked out of the typical sexual game far earlier than expected.  I’m not dismissing these ladies at all, but I can only relate best to my own experience.

If I decide to, I might expound more on the topic as I think more on it.  It’s what has been resonating with me lately, although I’m not as much onto disliking women as much as many of the folks in the MGTOW universe.  Women are people and aren’t inherently better or worse than men, although in the modern climate I’m not sure that women and men are necessarily good for each other.  Arwyn is not necessarily a bad person, but I don’t think she has ever really and truly valued me in the same way I valued her.  At some point I became a utility and a non-person except when she had some need.  I might have been going about things in a similar fashion in going after her to meet my sexual needs, but I was at least willing to look for some common ground and willing to try to negotiate.  Now that the sexual shop is closed, I find I’m still doling out the utility but get zero in return.  I find over time I’m less willing to simply go along with her crap just because.



Happy 2015! Hysterical Literature

January 1, 2015

I have SOO missed writing, blogging and just the general mischief that I used to do and cause with this site!  and I’ve missed the sex talk and the community and just everything.  And the sex.  I miss sex.

Actually I have sex whenever I want it, just not with anyone else.  It’s been 5 years…or is it 6.. since I had sex of any sort with Arwyn.  Honestly, I’m not sure I miss that so much as I miss those early days of good sex.  Of being young and having a willing partner who was willing to explore and experience things.

I might also be slightly inebriated this evening, what with ringing in the new year and all.  By myself.

Actually it’s not by myself because I’m bringing you, my reader(s?) with me.  By the time you read this, you’ll be well into your new year (and so will I) but imagine for a moment that it’s New Year’s Eve.  The end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.  Where are you and what are you doing?  Where I live, I can hear some fireworks in the distance and it’s only 11:38.  But I imagine a few of the other drunks are shooting their fireworks prematurely because they simply can’t wait to shoot their load of good cheer upon the surrounding neighborhoods.  As long as they don’t cause any fires and burn my house down, I say go for it.  Even though it is still annoying.

I’ve been perusing some videos and decided I needed to share.  These COULD be safe for work, provided you keep the sound low enough or wear headphones.  These are some of the sexiest videos I have watched in recent memory.  They are of women reading books aloud.  Some of the books are erotica but some of them are relatively mundane.  Here’s one of a woman reading about Whitney Houston and her ’80’s music:

Here’s one in Russian:

You can find these in a variety of languages and literary genres to fit your own tastes.  And if you’re seriously addicted to this sort of thing, you can go to Booknob and see these things for about $50 a month.  Oprah never had a book club quite like this!

I like this sort of thing.  The women are seemingly trying to concentrate on reading their books but end up giving in almost totally to their own sensuality.  It’s art and erotica and literacy all rolled into one, although it seems the subjects almost never end up finishing their books or even a single chapter.

It is enormously tempting to fast forawrd to the 2 minute mark where things start getting exciting, but if you do you’ll miss the important subtleness of the quickness of breath, the changing cadence of the reading, the mispronounced words.  you’ll mis the subtle physical cues, the squirming and involuntary movements and reactions.

These are the the small, subtle things I miss most about sex.  I remember one woman who I would bring to raoring and loud orgasms, playing her expertly while my ear rested over her chest, listening to the increasing tempo of her heartbeat and the deepening of her breathings.  I remember thinking how awesome it was to know that I was doing this.  I was responsible for this wonderful thing that was swelling and growing until it reached its fullness, opening like a flower, bursting forth the rich nectar of carnal pleasures.  I did that.  Once.  Well…more than once but it was a long, long time ago.

Arwyn would never allow me to do that for her.  Ever.

I did, however, allow her to do something like this to me.  I wasn’t reading any sort of literature (erotic or otherwise) but we often talked about the mundane things.  Longtime readers may recall this time as it represented a compromise of sorts.  She would do this whenever she wasn’t in the mood for full-on sex.  Which was most of the time.  The caveat was that I had to ask.  But of course often her hands were dry and chapped and it often took effort to get her to do this much.  Or the time on Valentine’s day where she fell asleep in the middle.   Good times.  Hehe…sarcasm.

She would stroke my hardening shaft and we would talk about whatever was on her mind, mostly the kids or chores or whatever.  In some ways, there were elements of our good friend Lady Misato at work.  But the room was always mostly dark, and the only cues as to my impending happy ending to the works of my wife’s hand was the subtle changes in the pitch of my voice, the gasps and shallowness of my breathing and of course whatever throbbing she could feel in her hands.  To her credit, Arwyn always stroked through the very end, albeit with a towel.  But I never got the impression that she particularly enjoyed these little sessions.  And aside from the physical relief and the accompanying pleasure of an orgasm, I derived a lot less pleasure from them than if she would have somehow been into it.  And so I quit asking.  And never once has she ever offered.  Ever.

I think this is one of the more bitter losses when it comes to the loss of my sexuality.  The ability to do that for someone else.  Of course, in the early days, I was into the idea of ‘no talking’ but those little sessions with Arwyn did make me acutely aware of how arousal can affect a person’s voice as well as the rest of their body.  In an odd way, I sorta got off on what it did to me, and that was during a period where not being in control held a lot of appeal.  I often fantasize about how I might do things differently if I was with those earlier lovers, knowing what I do now.

The most important gift you can give your lover is your own enthusiasm for whatever it is you are doing with them and to them.  If you are enjoying it, chances are enhanced that they will too, whether or not you are hitting the exact right spot.  Because the most sensual target of all is not the space between their legs, but the space between their ears; their mind.

Hysterical Literature is a lovely project and I richly enjoyed watching it and certain memories evoked.  Many of those videos were worthy to be watched more than once, just to tune into the wonderful intricacies of arousal and response and even the selections that the ladies chose to read.  No nudity at all, just women reading their favorite books.

Real Women Don’t Do Housework: Book Review

February 18, 2014

Hehe….I give the lady credit…she got me to post something!

Our good friend, Lady Misato has taken her website and turned her concept into a book. I’m not sure exactly how I appeared on her list, except I have discussed her ideas before. So she sent me a free manuscript of her book and I decided to give it a read.

My first encounter with her and her beliefs were years and years ago in a Usenet group that was devoted to marriage. I was intrigued by her ideas but did not place particular stock in them back then, but she was an interesting and colorful character. After a few years, I revisited her website with renewed interest and thought seriously about giving her ideas a try. She has moved from her Geocities site to a new one (www.rwddh.com) but it remains very similar to the site even as it was in 1998. Same color scheme, pictures and similar links.

Lady M’s book has much of the material from her original website, however she has refined her content and added excerpts from real couples that add interest and color to the ideas she is suggesting. These narratives help illustrate her ideas in real, concrete and practical terms which is something that was not necessarily the case with her original website. While I enjoyed her ideas before, these added narratives add some welcome insight from the perspective of both sides of the relationship. The couples describe what they are doing and how they feel in their own words.

The linchpin of Real Women Don’t Do Housework is the concept of erotic power, specifically the idea that women can use their sexuality to manipulate their husbands into courting them and meeting their needs. Reading what I just wrote, you can see the hardest sell here. You have to convince women that it is not only possible to do this, but that it is okay. The whole concept of “manipulation” has some negative connotations, especially if you are in denial of the fact that you are already doing it. Everyone attempts to manipulate their environment in a way that optimizes their happiness even if its done unconsciously. Lady M simply makes this process overt and purposeful. Being willing to explore the possibilities is the first prerequisite for getting through the first 20 pages.

After an initial introduction, Lady M describes in detail about how to get your relationship where you want it to go. In “Getting Started” she describes exactly how to get the ball rolling. This procedure is pretty simple, but it has the potential for being powerful. But there are some demands here that are not necessarily apparent, namely a certain degree of confidence in the wife in order to get her to this point and seeing it through. As a guy reading this, I can attest to the power she’s channeling but this might not be so readily apparent to a woman who herself might have numerous body and confidence issues.

The next chapters address such topics as training, submission, control and management and eventually it enters the darker areas of punishment and rebellion. It’s during these latter phases that you are either open to her ideas or you decide to close the book. The narrative interviews do help soften some aspects of these topics, but for me they were probably the most difficult to read and accept. It’s basically at this point that a person is either committed and “all in” or not and it goes beyond the fun little experimental game at the beginning into more of a committed lifestyle. Eventually she introduces the idea of the token economy, which is a well-known intervention in behavioral circles, basically using sex as the back-up reinforcer for any desired behaviors.

The book eventually leads into a totally wife-led marriage and includes chapters on taking control of the marital assets and finances as well as all of the major decision-making.

The end of the book included a couple of intriguing parts that are worthy of mention. Lady M is willing to help coach and personally give advice. And Lady M is also looking for a successor to carrying forth her message. I admire her for her commitment toward saving marriages, even if her methods are unorthodox and find it interesting that even as she is on the cusp of success in publishing a book, she is already looking at retiring from what seems to be a labor of love. She’s been at this for almost 20 years, which is a long time to serve what has been a fairly small niche in the area of marriage enhancement.

Lady Misato’s ideas are still as radical today as they seemed to me in 1998 and they are definitely not for everyone. She states many of these qualifications upfront. If there is a history of abuse, this is not the book for you. There are also some other qualifications that are not explicitly stated but that are going to to be obstacles. First off, the woman has to have some openness or a willingness to be open to expanding her sexuality. Embracing erotic power requires at least a fundamental sense of and comfort with sexuality. If there are other sexual issues, this approach is not likely to work.

And this is where I inject some of my personal experience. Other books that I have read actually encourage and incorporate certain aspects of Lady Misato’s approach in a more conventional and less manipulative manner, mainly using erotic touch and stroking to help deepen the connection between the married couple. Sometimes it is mutual stimulation and perhaps even using aspects of the “conversation” approach to encourage intimacy. In my own marriage, Arwyn was never comfortable touching me this way, although she did try it a few times at my urging. I can attest to the power of suggestion Lady Misato describes. However, Arwyn was never comfortable using this technique and in her mind she really couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea and thought I should be simply willing and able to talk openly without her having to touch me.

The second major pitfall is oral sex. In Lady Misato’s approach, this is a a major aspect of gaining and maintaining control, namely making sure that the woman is fully satisfied during each and every sexual encounter. In Arwyn’s world, oral sex is not pleasurable and is in fact unthinkable. Even touching her with my hands has always been a no-no. Which means satisfying her has never been an easy task. One time, I even tried to use a cock ring in order to maintain my erection longer. Even this small thing distracted her and made her freak out and loose interest.

Clearly there are problems in my marriage that transcend Lady Misato’s approach. Would I be amenable in another life? Perhaps.

This book and the techniques would hold promise for a couple whose marriage has settled into a rut or perhaps even a state of boredom where the wife might feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Resentment might be taking hold, and it might be time for things to change. Passion and spark might be gone and the attention the lady once enjoyed might have been supplanted by attention to work, hobbies or other interests. In any case, a wife might want to get her husband’s attention, keep it and focus it. Lady Misato’s techniques are based on behavioral approaches that are fairly simple and effective. But I think there might need to be a slight increase in emphasis of these being applied in a loving way. This is your husband, one that you love and cherish and that you want to keep loving and cherishing. I could see where this fact might get lost in many of the technical aspects of applying the behavioral techniques she describes. And when she describes getting a lawyer in order to obtain the power of attorney and micromanging his life it starts to veer farther astray of this essential truth. Keeping score with a token economy, keeping track of receipts and written contracts and promises start to look like more bother than it might be worth not to mention it undercuts a great deal of trust that should be present in a mutually loving relationship. And there might be far ranging consequences of some of the legal controls put in place that would need to be thought out. In the same way many women today find themselves at a distinct legal disadvantage when their husband dies, such legal wrangling could put the husband in a similar needless disadvantage.

Not all women are comfortable making all the decisions and some might even rather have their husbands be more dominant. If that is the case, this book is not for you.

I was able to read this book of 93 pages in just a couple hours, which also includes a bit of time writing this review. I enjoyed revisiting some of the things I had seen on her website, and I still highly recommend it as a place to look at some unconventional thoughts on thawing out a marriage that might appear to be frozen. I don’t believe most men would succeed in introducing or talking their wives into this, but I do believe there is a population of women that could successfully apply many of the principles and techniques to improve their own situations. With the right mixture of openness, willingness and intelligence it might be just the thing to revitalize their marriages. It certainly is worth adding to the list of things tried well-ahead of getting an attorney to fill out divorce papers.

Is Arwyn Autistic?

June 24, 2013

No one actually asked this, but I have for quite some time, now.

Hell, I even wrote about it back in 2005!   But now I have a much broader history and supply of knowledge from which to draw, apart from the sexual side.  Back in those days that was my primary focus so I missed a lot of other things.  but those who have been reading the longest might recognize those I missed before.

And some of the knowledge comes from having a child who is diagnosed and is definitely on the spectrum.  He and Arwyn demonstrate a LOt of the same characteristics that only differ in degree but not in kind.

Autism is a sort of global label that describes several things going on.  One thing does not make one autistic, but it is a constellation of different things that allow one to claim a space on the spectrum.  And even those of us who are on it do not usually occupy the same space at the same time.  I’m going to depart from some of the mundane DSM characteristics and focus more on what makes the disorder a disorder.  There are things about autism that make life hard for both the one who has it and the one who has to live with them.

Management of space: I had written repeatedly about the mess our house was frequently in at least prior to the fire.  In my mind, Aryn was being a lazy slob.  However, over time and from observing my oldest, she really can not help a lot of it.  She simply has no concept of limited space.  For instance, my oldest will always and consistently overfill a glass of water…or his bowl of cereal…or whatever container.  It results in a big mess when it spills everywhere.   We ride the boy constantly about it, and at the age of 14 he should be able to fill a glass without spilling.  But he can’t.  Ever.  Arwyn is not as messy and has learned not to overfill her containers.  She simply buys more containers to hold her excess stuff.  But soon there is clutter everywhere and I have no doubt our new and mostly empty house will eventually become a cluttered trash heap.

Management of resources.  My oldest lovest playing video games and I encourage real time strategy games that require the judicious buld up and spending of resources like Farm Frenzy.  And he consistently over spends or fails to manage the resource ( or space in the game) in order to advance.  His younger, brother, by contrast, readily figures these things out quickly and easily to advance far beyond his lder bother on such games.  Arwyn by contrast has always been challenged by managing resources.  I have had to bail her out more than once when she gets in credit card debt.  And she has no inerest in real time strategy games cause she would be bad at them.

Time management.  Similar to the baove two examples.  Always late, always just a little too slow.  time gets away when focusing on some small detail that might seem to most as irrelevant.

All of the above are kinda mathematical in nature with some implicit quantity involved.  I’m pretty lousy at math myself but have some innate ability to manage things better.

When we get into social characteristics, Arwyn and I are a lot more similar.  She is slightly more social than I am, at least in face-to-face type things.  I tend toward the social media like blogging (but not so much Facebook) but we both might be described as a bit reclusive at times.

In my article on sensory thresholds, I focused on the sexual side, but Arwyn demonstrate more global characteristics.  She likes things a certain way, and woe to anything exceeds that narrow comfort level.  A certain temperature, certain clothes and certain foods.  Small wonder that sex would be such a minefield with its sensory richness across all senses.  Bad lighting would knock her out of the mood, let alone something like a fart.

One question that WOULD likely come up is “What difference would it make if you knew Arwyn was autistic?”  It’s why I don’t shy away from claiming my own space on the spectum.  Basically it helps explain some things instead of misinterpreting motives.   Just because Arwyn can not do certain things does not mean she is stupid or lazy. It means she can not, despite her best efforts.  That’s not to say she always gives her best.  I don’t believe she does much of the time, but I at least have a frame of reference to determine of she is genuinely able and not willing or unable and unwilling.   There is a big difference as to how I deal between those two.  Her inabilities mean these things just have to be managed.  She is responsible for the things she is able to do, not for things she can’t.

Having that frame of reference makes forgiveness a lot easier, at least for me.  It’s not an excuse, it simply is what it is.  There are enough other things to be mad and bitter about without adding things neither of us have control over.  Thing is, she is in her own particular state of denial.  I have to often intervene between her and my oldest because even though she possesses many of the same kind of traits, her tolerance for them is much lower.  I am more of a mind that I relate to my boys in being more like than and I acknowledge those similarities and am able to deal a bit lighter and compassonately toward the autistic stuff versus just willful disobedience.  I can relate to them.   And by the same tokan can kind of relate to Awyn, but on a different level.  It does not always make it better but in the long run it is slightly easier.



Amiable but…

June 24, 2013

Less than fulfilling.  At least that is how this article from CNN put it.

The comments on this article are closed as apparently so many commenters reacted with hostility toward the ideas presented there.  Which isn’t TOO surprising considering the sort of feedback I’ve gotten over the years by people stumbling on to my page.  Those few souls who are regulars ( and you know who you are) already know the stuff I’ve tried over the years.  My blog has survived the test of time.  But like my marriage, it has seen its better days.

Of course *I* liked the article because it is a good and accurate description of my reality.  We’re in this trying to do right by our kids.  The research is very definitive on the fact that kids do better when living with both parents.  And mine are no exception.  They do not live in a house of exceptional violence or really even conflict.  We are basically amiable but not fulfilled.  It’s not the happiest of circumstances but it is what is and we’re trying to make the best of it.  We haven’t had a couples counseling session since the last blog update but not sure what the counselor could do for us except perhaps negotiate forward somehow.  The road ahead won’t be easy but it isn’t easy for anyone.  Suffering and hardship are just part of life and no one escapes. In the grand scheme of things, I’m not going to complain …much.

We are now in our new house.  As devastating as the fire was, it really was the only real way we were ever going to be able to do some of the things needing to get done.  There was no other way we were ever going to get a new house with new appliances.  Or a new car for Arwyn whose 16 year-old car died 2 weeks after the fire.  Through insurance, we rebuilt and provided quite a few jobs for people. We also enabled quite a few people to get rid of their own gently used stuff and feel pretty good about it.  I quit soking, moving on to vaping which is at least safer and healthier for those around me, if not myself.

Like one suggestion in that article, is my having my own room, which doubles as my office.  I do enjoy having my own space and my own bed.  I actually got a loft bed, and now my youngest wants one too.  It’s his perch of choice when he comes into my room.  There is a little concern that as I get older it might get harder and harder to climb the ladder into the thing or that I might fall down while getting out.  I just have to be careful about it and make sure I have the coordination slightly greater than a drunken college student while getting in and out. But got shelves, a little light and a small fan up there making it a nice cozy little space.  I got a bucket hung to slip in my laptop and another one at the foot to use as a sort of chamber pot so I don’t have to bother climbing down during the night.  Underneath I got closet rails to hang my clothes up.  A little pricey but well worth it, I think to create more space.

My main laptop just died so am currently looking at new ones, using my work one to write this post.  The CNN article was just too good to pass on or save as it has so much relevance to the theme of this blog.    At least this part:

If it’s possible, consider separate bedrooms. You’d be surprised how the creation of privacy and nonmarital spaces in a marriage might help. Already one in four Americans sleep in separate bedrooms or beds from their spouses. The National Association of Homebuilders predicts that by 2015, 60% of new homes will be designed with “dual master bedrooms.”

I’m not going to say Arwyn and I will never divorce, but right now this situation seems to be the most amiable one for us and our kids.