CheckList Part 2 – Family Origin

April 1, 2022

I’ve been through counseling 3 times. Once after college in the wake of a bad break up and depression and then the 2 marriage counseling rounds. And now this exercise with Patsy Dawson. Counselors LOVE family of origin, and delving all into the relation you have with your parents and even the relationship with THEIR parents. My sister went to counseling in college and it was the same with her. Lots and lots of family of origin to dig up patterns of behavior that we may have picked up from our parents that are maladaptive. There CAN be some very important insights gained from some examination of family dynamics and I don’t discount it completely. HOWEVER, this can also be as destructive as constructive.

I remember going around with my first counselor about my relationship with my dad, who was a typical midwest farming type. Workaholic, and largely emotionally stoic or absent. In order to survive the environmental hardships of a midwestern winter outdoors you have to have balls of steel. Being emotional and whiny means you won’t succeed, as its up to you to take care othe animals that are out and exposed. The cows need milking in all weather, 365 days a year. They don’t take snow days. You basically need gumption and those cows really don’t care about your feelings. Neither do drought, hail, tornadoes, blizzards or floods. It was hard work that began before the morning light and did not end until after dark amidst biting insects and biting brambles in the extreme cold and heat. You almost HAD to be a stoic to do it and get up to do it again and again.

That first counselor basically said that I wasn’t really going to be able to break through unless I drug my parents and my siblings into his office for their own sessions to resolve all these issues. Basically, I was left with no one left to blame for all my defects except my parents. I kinda took it with a grain of salt…I was going to move on. My sister, on the otherhand, took my parents defects much more personally even so far as to tell them they never should have had children. Mom told me about that much later after the fact, but what you suppose the liklihood of them ever going to ANY sort of counseling would be after that shit?

And it IS shit. Our parents, your parents everyones parents generally do the best they can with the resources they have. Even the most defective ones.

Arwyn’s family of origin is fraught with more complications. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother enabled him until she couldn’t deal anymore and divorced him when she was 12. And somewhere in there, Arwyn was sexually abused. By someone. While she disclosed to our marriage counselor that she was in the church recovery program for issues of her father’s alcoholism, she also said she was there for recovery from sexual abuse. That last bit was a bombshell for me, because I don’t recall her ever mentioning sexual abuse before. But Arwyn never elaborated any further in my presence. I do not know who did it, what they did or when. I suspect it might have been her father but I honestly have no idea to this day. But obviously the ramifications of this is pretty substantial in our relationship on many levels. The biggest being her not disclosing anything to me about this, leaving me wondering and not fully understanding.

Regardless of what happened or when, the fact that she never trusted me enough to tell me anything speaks VOLUMES. And regardless of what happened, it is her choice what and how much to say. I’m left with all sorts of suspicions, theories and wonderings even to wonder if I might have been considered a sexual abuser at one point toward her.

Both of her parents have passed away. Her mother to complications related to smoking and her father with bladder cancer. But I knew both of them. Her father was in recovery when I first met him and he seemed like he loved his daughter and would do anything to take care of his children. Though he could also be prone to setbacks. He met his second wife in AA and it was a classic case of 13th stepping. This lady was also very nice, but there was a lot of friction between her and Arwyn in those early years though much of that was water under the bridge by the time we got married. Her father would end up divorcing this second wife as she persisted in drinking and he was trying his best to remain in recovery. That second divorce was messy and devastated his finances to the point where there was very little left for the children after he died.

I liked my mother-in-law for the most part. Met her even before Arwyn and I were a couple, and she took a liking to me right off. Not that it would last, but we were always on cordial if not friendly terms. For the most part, I got along with her family.

It took a little longer for my own mother to really get to know and accept Arwyn because of some things that she noticed right after my oldest son was born. Arwyn was a VERY protective mother, to the exclusion almost entirely of me. By the time this blog began its life, they were getting along well for the most part. And as I said last entry, she is up visitng my parents right now whilst my youngest is on Spring Break.

The other thing about family of origin that might be somewhat beneficial (and just came to me) is dealing with the fall-out when our own children come back from their therapy sessions. They are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to relationships because of the defective autistic relationship that Arwyn and I have. And I use the term autistic knowing full well what it means, being on the spectrum myself and she might be too.

BUT the problem with dwelling on the family of origin like our first marriage counselor did is that it is like asking what color the drapes are while the house is on fire. Our marriage has been in crisis pretty much since 1999 (by Arwyn’s admission). We were married only in 1996. And I didn’t get really on board with how bad things were until around 2001 or 2002. Even though I knew we were in trouble well before then, I was very passive for a long time, hoping things might turn around. It was after our second son was born in 2002 that things got bad enough that I started reaching out and trying different things to save and salvage this sinking ship, not realizing that she had checked out already.

By the time we got what I would call a good counselor in 2013, we were already rebuilding our house with plans for us to have separate bedrooms. She did the best she could with what she had, but it was too little too late. I wish we had met with her the first round in 2009 when Arwyn was at least nominally willing to go through some motions. It might have saved some time to cut to the real issues. Instead, we dithered around with family of origin for over a year and it allowed Arwyn (and probably me) to sidestep all of the real issues that we needed to confront. Things that were right in front of us both instead of going through old history. I mean its wonderful studying history…I love it. I love looking at backstories of Ukraine and Russia, but the Ukranians need bullets not history books as there is an existential threat to their survival. And so it was with our marriage at that time. There was an existential threat that there was no intimacy or trust. Perhaps we were already too far gone even then. But our counselor at the time methodically drew out our family tree, developing it over the course of over a year before deciding to move to Alabama. Probably easier to draw family trees in a place where family reunions are pick-up joints!


Checklists – Part 1

March 31, 2022

Arwyn is out of town with my youngest visiting my parents, so I’ve had some time to myself. At some point in the last 2 days, I stumbled back to this blog and reread many of the entries and comments. It brought me back to some rather unpleasant realities. And I’m getting to a place of dealing with them. But don’t expect a lot of speed in this process as …well…it IS still me we’re talking about here, right?

But for some time I’ve been perusing some of the internet sites dealing with divorce. And what REALLY brought a more focused effort was rereading a post from 2009 where I related Arwin’s testimony in front of God and everyone that the reason she married me had nothing to do with love or attraction, but apparently God’s Will. The reaction of my readership at the time was pretty stark, unlike my own. My reaction upon reading that and the comments and my reaction was basically “What the fuck is my problem? What the fuck was I thinking??!?” I was kinda publicly emasculated and skewered right there and just rolled with it and smiled.

Maybe I should have done a Will Smith at the Oscars on her ass.

But it still kinda stuck with me. That testimony was given around August 2009 or so and I stopped initiating sex in October 2009. Or that’s the last time we had sex. The obligatory birthday sex. At least I had the sense to say “fuck this, I give up” at that time. But it was a partial measure only. She’s had 12 years to initiate anything she wanted and hasn’t done it.

Regular readers might note my distinct inclusion of certain invectives and colorful metaphors in this post that I don’t make it a general practice of using. My apologies to whomever gets offended at the assault on their virgin ears. To those who are offended; feel free to fuck off.

I just completed Patsy Rae’s checklist part 1 and part 2 is standing by. It was an interesting exercise. She sometimes uses some weird code in her introduction, referring to things that her regular readers no doubt fully understand. I’ve read enough to get the general gist, and the checklists are fairly straight forward. I’m not going to share every part, but enough that you can see and compare. Most of it won’t be news to anyone who had read me over the years. Or even to people landing here due to some bizarre search for putting things up their butt. This is something that exists and is a sad reality for SO many people. You fuck like rabbits before the wedding and then after….it all dries up accompanied by a myriad of excuses. I’m not entirely blameless in all this. However this blog is replete with a lot of ontrospection and emotional and mental gymnastics in dealing with all these shortcomings. I’m far from perfect. In fact, I’m a lot less than perfect than I even thought but we’ll get to that.

One of the first checklists dealt with withholding demonstrations of love. Talk is cheap and a person can say it all they want, but while lips may lie, the body betrays it. As you can see, there’s a lot of checkboxes there that apply. Feel free to compare your own situations. It’s also important to note that you’ll also be asked to list the ways YOU might be withholding love. And brothers and sisters, I’ll confess to at least half of those, especially in the last 12 years, although anything involving reciprocation is moot because she doesn’t initiate things like hugs or kisses, so can’t say how I would respond except probably in kind. If she’s stiff, I’m probably going to be too. And I’m not initiating either. Tried that, done that, got beaten down, and not even a T-shirt.

SO, how many ways are there to withhold sex? It turns out, there are a lot of ways.

To be fair, there are many items that I’m unsure about. I have no idea if she has masturbatory habits, and what they might be, so I left all of those blank. I’ve never caught her diddling or jilling and she’s never talked about it, much less asked for my participation. And her preferred sex position is her on top, which I was good with for quite awhile until I start feeling immasculated by THAT being a constant. It was all about her control, which might have been okay if it translated into some chastity play.

The list goes on…

[]

I had no idea andropause was a thing. Is this some new devilry I have to look forward to in my old age?

Lots of checked boxes there. Check, check, check, checking with a vengeance.

As it turns out, sex for a lot of people is a deeply emotional experience. How could I have known?

Kissing has happened when sex happened…but the memories are a bit fuzzy on those details as to how, when or even whether it happened. But Arwyn’s kisses are closed mouthed, stiff-lipped, no tongue at ALL times. A passionate kiss and a kiss out the door are pretty much the same. Of course, these checklists are not new news. But when you look at it this way, you must be asking yourself: “Why would anyone even want sex with a person like this?” I asked myself the same thing 12 or 13 years ago and that’s when I quit initiating. Moving on…

Damn….memories of “Date Night”

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Everyone, professional counselors and amateur hobby counselors alike always suggest setting aside time. Planning ahead to clear the calendar and eliminate distractions. Yeah I put it on the calendar and how did that work out? I remember putting a frowny face on the calendar when it didn’t work out (again) and so got kinda punished for that by…you know…no sex. There are also spaces below the checklist where you can add your own novel ways the mood gets destroyed. My addition was the waiting game. This is where we done all the chores, put the kids to bed early and I strip and jump into bed, my heart pumping all raring to go. And Arwyn has to clean the cat litter, make sure the doors are locked, maybe wash or clean something….

I’m less enthused. She was probably hoping I would just fall asleep. And of course it IS an hour later and she’s another hour more tired. She COULD have cleaned the cat shit AFTER (Are you done yet?), and perhaps I would have gladly and contently fallen asleep. Cause…no real cuddling afterwards, remember?

Oooh, if only….

Now honestly, I’m not sure she’s ever intimated I would get more sex if any of these conditions were met. I DID actually go on a weight loss jag that I blogged right here, and she was initially positive on this, even commenting that she liked being able to wrap her legs around me. But there’s always something else. Smoking used to be kind of a big one. Haven’t smoked since 2013, but of course I gained all the weight back so take one off the table and put another one back.

And then there’s the questions on inhibitions. Hers:

[]

Kinda got a giggle from “cervical kisses” No, I have no idea what that means. At first I thought it was oral sex, but how you kiss a cervix? Do tell! I would do that but Arwyn wants nothing of my mouth “down there”. Or my hands. Or even my penis, apparently.

Mine:

I have absolutely no idea what my body would do with a willing and enthusiastic partner at this point. My poor little cock might just turtle up in terror. But I’d still be totally game to do oral, manual or even hold the vibe if that’s what it would take.

There was also a section on pillow talk. In short, for us there was no pillow talk. Before, during or after intercourse. I think I did say the wrong thing once “See? That wasn’t so bad was it?!?” after she apparently liked what had happened after a long dry spell. He response to that was a longer, drier spell. Fuck if I’m opening my mouth after that!

SO…after all that, how do I feel?

Check ALLLL the boxes! Actually, I think my feminine spirit has been crushed along with my masculine spirit. And the Explain part was a required answer, so did my best.

So Patsy then asked if I thought my partner was without natural affection, based on a summation of all the checklists.

Gosh, y’think? I’m fucked. Figuratively of course.

Looking at that last checklist, there’s a series that talks about rising to your full potential. It’s all true. I’ve turned into a real underachiever in pretty much every meaningful area of my life. And this is something the withholding spouses simply do not get, how this one area can radiate out into so many other areas of life. It is the ultimate personal rejection. You simply can’t get more personal than a person’s sexuality. In the early part of our marriage, when I still had even a vestige of hope and self-confidence, I was able to achieve things. You were all part of it. The weight loss, the blogging and just generally producing content while working a full time job, going to school and rising in my career into a true high level of expertise. That rise came to an abrupt end in 2009. In a year, I would be jobless, gained weight back, not blogging (despite being unemployed) and dropped school altogether. While sporadic, I was producing in 2009, but a year later, you got what….2 posts? I’ve internalized all that shit. Over and over. Unattractive, unlovable and worthless.

It would be irresponsible of me to blame Arwyn for all of it. I have to own up to my own propensity to self-destruct. AND I chose to stick it out and put up with it. I elected to to stay within the confines of the confinement. It takes two, and I certainly did my part to burn down the house. Literally and figuratively. Arwyn could check all the same boxes as me as far as how she feels. I have put her through some tough trials over the years. I know it, and she knows she’s put me through it. We both got blame and the guilt that goes with it.

And that, my friends, is where I’m at. Looking for air…for some way…..out. For both of us. It’s a hard ass road ahead, but none of this has been easy so far. SO that’s what I’m looking at. A road that leads out of the wilderness.


The Struggle Against Nature

May 31, 2021

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Paul’s 2nd letter to Timothy 3: 1-5

When looking over Patsy Rae Dawson’s site, the above scripture is revisited several times throughout, except she is using a different translation that includes “without natural affection” in verse 3 instead of the more generic “without love”. I’m thinking the NIV was taking a stab at being less controversial here in being less descriptive. Of course being “without natural affection” often gets construed as having unnatural affections e.g. homosexuality. However Patsy Rae takes an entirely different slant on this, equating the sexless marriage as being every bit as sinful as homosexuality is treated in the Old Testament.

Let me take a bit of a pause here to give a little more of an update since the heyday of this blog.

I had to really and truly search for my Bible in order to look up that scripture. I haven’t been to my church in years much less taught Sunday School. I’ve been to Arwyn’s church a few times; Easter and Christmas as a sort of family thing. My ears still ring from the loud drums and amplified contemporary music when leaving. My oldest still wears ear protection while attending, and sits way in the back. SO it’s a fair bit that I haven’t been a regular Bible reader, so in a sense I suppose revisiting this blog has resulted in finding it under the table under a pile of rubble and digging it out.

Arwyn still attends pretty religiously, along with the boys (the youngest is back from college) and last Sunday she gave me this booklet with a 30 day prayer guide. When dusting off my old Bible, I saw another small pamphlet that must have been the last lesson I ever taught at the adult Sunday school by Philip Yancy Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference. I once had the book and DVD’s and the study guide. Pretty sure that all went in the fire back in 2013. But the question he asks in the series is definitely one worth considering in this context. When Arwyn paassed me this prayer guide, I wonder what she was hoping. Hoping I would start going to church again? Hoping I would pray more? Pray for what?

Although I suppose there are worse things than taking up a life of prayer. Several years ago, I visited the fransiscan monastery nearby and picked up one of their books. Heaven knows I spend a good deal of time living like a monk, fairly solitary and keeping my thoughts largely to myself largely because few people really care about what they are. Arwyn loves to talk, but the conversations are largely one-sided. That’s her drug of choice; having someone listen to what she is saying. Fair enough but honestly, and this is just my own opinionated self speaking, most of what she is saying isn’t much worth listening to. A lot of it might be community gossip. much of it is complaining about something that is wrong and needs fixing. Things she isn’t able or willing to do herself and wants me to do. In a prior life I might have been a lot more eager to please her perceived notions about what I ought to do. But not now.

At some point, I might like to take Dawson’s self-assessment survey. But apparently it takes several hours, and I’m not at the point where I’m willing to spend that much time on it. Yet. But I might, and I might blog on it and see what it digs up. Blogging has always been a bit of a motivator for certain things for me. It lets me say things I want to say with no interruptions from someone else wanting to drown me out with their own voice. But another reason I haven;t attacked this survey is because I have a feeling I know where it’s going to point. But time will tell whether it is a transformative thing. Patsy Rae stayed in her marriage for 46 years, so I feel in pretty good company right there.

I still believe in things being able to be transformative. Beekeeping was one of those things for me. Before bees, I would look next door at my neighbor’s lawn and saw this:

A field of dandelions

While I was mowing regularly, trying to get my grass to look nice, they rarely mowed at all and all I saw was his weed seeds blowing into my lawn and my garden spaces. But once I got bees? I saw it entirely different! It was FREE PASTURE! Bees totally transformed the way I looked at a landscape. A neatly manicured green landscape was no longer even desirable. Areyn, with her suburban background could never see it the way I do and will insist that our lawn is cropped short, aided by my oldest who likes mowing. But getting bees altered my view of a landscape. Weeds aren’t weeds. They are fodder for bees and now chickens.

So there’s always a chance that this exercise might result in things re-aligning themselves into a more natural course. Although things have been the way they are for so long, my view of what’s natural has been pretty distorted. What is “natural affection?”


Many Ways of Escape

May 20, 2021

God wants you to love and enjoy passionate sex. He doesn’t trap anyone in a loveless marriage. He provides many ways of escape.

https://patsyraedawson.com/

It was a lot of fun responding to the comments from a couple years ago. Better late than never! Xavier, Aphron, Tajalude…you made my day. So many memories from old friends from the old days. Glad to hear from you, even though the circumstances haven’t changed much. And as I’m going to share, some informal research seems to indicate that things are not only going to not get better but are likely to get worse.

I stumbled across Patsy Rae Dawson’s website and it brought back a lot of memories of this blog. I’m overdue for another visit to the topic.

SO, what made me stumble across her site? What made me revisit this topic that I had seemingly and exhaustively covered throughout the life of this blog?

I’m approaching a bit of a milestone; retirement. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and at some point Arwyn and I are going to have to have a discussion about this topic and all of the planning involved in it. It involves a certain type of discussion that we haven’t had in a very long time. A discussion about our future. And that is a very anxiety-inducing thought. What sort of future are we looking at, here? And based on that discussion, is retirement even in the cards for me? Do I just keep going on, running myself into the ground until I keel over and die, like an old nag who has spent its life pulling the family plow?

I’m hoping to delve more into Patsy’s site in the future, but first things first. A bit of a status report. This is thankfully (or not thankfully) brief and fairly easy. Nothing much has changed since the last post at least as far as the sexual or intimate relationship between my wife and I. That is to say, it is nonexistent. We’re fairly cordial with dealing with the day-to-day business. But the underlying hostility is there for my part. I am seeing the other flaws, many of which were pointed out a looong time ago by my astute readership. Both my boys are pretty much self-sufficient. They both know how to cook (learned from me) and manage finances (also learned from me) and have a pretty good work ethic (which must have also come from me, though I don’t often feel particuarly ambitious). They can do their own laundry (score one for Arwyn). Arwyn does not have a job. She spends most of her days doing whatever she wants which is a lifestyle I kind of aspire to hence the serious look at retirement. I have hobbies that include beekeeping and raising chickens and gardening and (hopefully more) blogging and computer gaming. She doesn’t have any real discernable hobbies. Maybe photography? Is Facebook a hobby? She does enjoy camping, or at least spends a lot on camping equipment that makes camping more like an outdoor hotel. She takes the boys, since I kind of gave up on the camping, opting to be more of a homebody. I used to enjoy camping, back in the day, with other girlfriends but Arwyn’s intimacy anorexia kind of sucked the fun out of going anywhere with her.

So contrary to my last post, I’m not in a state where I’m content with the status quo. I suppose I’m somewhat resigned to it, but at the same time there’s a part of me that is not. As Aphron kind of put it, I’m kind of a hostage. But a hostage to what? My own sense of obligation and duty? OR, as I said, a twisted sort of morality? Why am I not beating my head against the bars of the cage? Maybe there’s this sense of comfort in the familiar that doesn’t require much effort. As I said, I’m not overly ambitious. I kind of chalk my lack of personal or professional ambition as one of the casualties of not being particularly supported by the one person who should be supporting me who has some real skin in the game. Except she doesn’t want to invest ANY skin. At all.

I’m kind of like my chickens. Chicken. They live in a pen surrounded by this very flimsy electric mesh fencing that doesn’t work but half the time, but it still keeps them in because they’ve been shocked at least once and by and large they get most of their needs met within the confines of their run. They get food, water and shelter. I get food, water and shelter where I am. I have a house with a yard big enough for bees, chickens and a garden. I have a relatively stable internet connection. If we got divorced, I would likely lose many or all of these things plus be on the hook for another decade in the salt mines.

And for what? The possibility to meet someone else who could string me along? I’m not exactly a George Clooney look alike. so basically I’d be leaving in order to be alone which is a state that I’m pretty much already in, except that I have a house and a yard.

Now I’m reminded of why I quit blogging about the subject; because it’s depressing. But obviously it’s something I’m not quite done with. It’s not done with me. And it’s not just lack of sex. It’s intimacy. Intimately touched, kissed or even hugged. I got none of that, which for a long time I acted like I was okay with. But I’m clearly not okay with it. It’s been over 10 years, you’d think I’d adjust.

The Secondlife, the gaming and earlier on, even this blog; they were all things I did to try to perform a sort of escape. Even the bees and chickens and gardening represent a type of escape. I used to spend a LOT more time in the yard back when we still shared a bedroom and bed and before I had my own room/office/space. I withdrew into my own world. Distractions to avoid what was going on, or not going on as the case may be. Some of these things are more productive than others, but they were things that, apart from work, gave me my own space, my own world and to some extent a different social outlet. People who read and comment at least act like they care, albeit from a safe distance.

It’s all just an escape of one sort or another. But I’m keen to explore the possibility of other types of escape I haven’t touched on before. Anyone have their own method of escape? Movies? Books? hobbies? church?


Is it possible to have a happy married life without any intimacy?

February 11, 2018

A couple of things have lead to me making a post here.  One was a fellow who commented on this post from April 2007 (yeah, almost 10 years ago!).   The other was another online forum where the title if this article was the question.  Below is how I answered that question.

I haven’t had any physical intimacy with my wife since 2009. I quit initiating and that was that. For 13 years I had begged, struggled and tried to alter all manners of my own behaviors and attitudes in order to make her want me. None of it worked. We went through 2 separate rounds of marriage counselling and her attitude did not change. She might want intimacy, but it’s not with me.

It’s very difficult being married to someone who treats you as if you are undesirable, unattractive and generally unappealing. I went through all the stages of grief from being hurt, to being angry to finally some semblance of acceptance. We now sleep in separate rooms and lead parallel lives, more or less.

So while I would never describe what we have as a “happy married life” that doesn’t mean I’m never happy. There are a couple of keys that have helped me be okay with this arrangement that I would never have chosen 20 years ago if I knew then what I know now. But honestly it isn’t all bad.

First I asked myself this: why would I want to be intimate with someone who seems to find me repulsive? My answer to this helped shut down all the begging and mental contortions I was putting myself through in some sort of vain attempt to get her to put out. I set out to reclaim myself and my own self-respect. I found other interests. Frankly the world is over pre-occupied with sex and guys are too willing to do stupid, ignorant and dangerously offensive things to get it. It isn’t worth it. And I can have intimacy with other people that don’t involve sex.

Secondly is this maxim: Just because you aren’t making each other happy does not give you license to make each other miserable. I still do things to take care of my wife and go out of my way to not cause her unnecessary grief. She’s not a bad person for not desiring me. In my most candid of moments, I’m not always keen on myself either! She’s allowed to have a preference. I don’t really desire her much anymore, either. But we can still function as a parental team and as just decent human beings. We don’t really argue and fight at all. But if we do, I am in a better position because I’m not as prone to emotional games and blackmail as I was 10 years ago. I stand on my own two feet and demand respect and am just as happy to give it back to her.

I’m a stronger person for all of this. I appreciate the life I have instead of pining for the life I could have had or should have had. We put up with each others faults. But the only intimacy we really share is our past and our history which isn’t all that great. No hugging, kissing, touching — but we’re also not unkind. It’s a rather odd and rather autistic relationship but we’ve somehow made it work longer than most other couples we know.


Why the Red Pill Movement Exists…

October 10, 2016

I saw this on Facebook and it brought me flying back to my blog as it totally triggered me.  I needed my safe space :-p

Monday….Tuesday…..Wednesday……Thursday……Friday….

She never used “we just had sex last weekend” which leads me to believe that they didn’t else that would be the first line on Monday.   I went through years of this.   Years.   Look back in the archives.   Begging and pleading and trying to connect and then the few times an advance was tolerated, it was more or less like this glory-hole thing where she makes it as clinical and unpleasant as possible.

SO….2009 I stepped off that treadmill and stopped initiating.  In one of our last ever counseling sessions, the coundselor did this little assessment, asking us each to to give a score for areas of concern on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most distressed and 1 being the least.   Money….health….kids….sex…..several things I can’t remember.  My scores were generally on the lower end as I was not too distressed about many things and even my frustration over lack of sex was maybe a 6 or 7.  I was getting ver it.  But Arwyn’s scores were all 8 or higher!  I was kinda surprised she had rated herself an 8 on sexual distress.  We never really pursued that line with this second counselor and I didn’t bother to follow-up.  After all, it had already been 3-4 years of being sexless.  While I do miss sex, I miss the good kind, not the crappy, begrudging “Here, get it over with” kind.  I found other interests, other hobbies.  Sex is a great thing but it’s not the only thing.  And honestly, most of the time it isn’t worth the trouble we go through to get it.

I watched a few other of her videos and have a feeling that her little community might find itself over run with the Red-Pill, MGTOW crowd because she is sort of the arhctype stay-at-home mom, which is why so many other women love her.  And honestly, her video above nailed it perfectly and judging by the comments from other ladies it’s more the rule than the exception.  One fellow did run a translation in the comments that basically shows how a guy feels after getting rejected repeatedly.  Kudos to him, but he’s still in the early stages of this.  Basically in the early stages, us guys are pretty pussy addicted.  We’ll do anything to get it.   We’ll run ourselves into the ground for it.  We’ll beg, plead, try to reason and persuade.  We’ll bargain, even settling for terribly lopsided deals to get it.   That’s actually what marriage has become– the lopsided deal where the women hold all the cards and the men have none.

The idea is that marriage is where sex gains legitimacy between a husband and his wife.  That’s where it is supposed to be the most frequent and at its best.  Didn’t turn out that way for me though.  It became a source of frustration and conflict until it got to the point where there was so little pleasure compared to the cost where it wasn’t worth risking rejection.  Certainly not worth a fight.  And generally I’m happier and better off without constantly wondering if I did the right thing, did enough things, did pleasing enough things or if the odds were in my favor.


MGTOW 2 – The Party Line: Replying to Tim’s comment

September 19, 2015

Two posts in less than 2 days — something I haven’t done in about 5 or 6 years!  Thank you so much, Tim who commented on my last post and inspired me to come back to what could be an enlightening discussion.  Or just me looking foolish.

You can read Tim’s unabridged, complete and comprehensive treatment of MGTOW in the comment, but I’m going to put it below with my own responses here.  Others who have an interest can feel free to chime in the comments.  This is why I began blogging in the first place was because I wanted to have conversations about topics like this without being censored.  I’ll admit to being relatively new to MGTOW (or the singular version- MGHOW) but so are a lot of folks reading this.  Let’s get on with it:

Tim says:

Many people deride MGTOW because, in a gynocentric society, women are given priority in all things. Because of our heavily gynocentric system, women walking away from their traditional roles is equated with empowerment – while men walking away from their traditional roles is equated with misogyny, insecurity, immaturity and fear of women. See how that works? Shame men for being strong and independent – but praise women for the same. Likewise, women speaking of their freedom from the slavery of marriage is considered empowerment – while men freeing themselves from women’s destructive power is considered misogyny, insecurity, immaturity and fear of women. Again – men releasing themselves from women’s destructive power is derided – while women doing the same is hailed as liberation.

I think this is one of the best, most cohesive descriptions of why MGTOW (and other groups like it) exist.

Much of media and religion is setup to brainwash men into gynocentric robots that can’t be happy unless they’ve been validated by women. MGTOW is a direct threat to this power over men; hence MGTOW will be frowned upon by most women and a sizable portion of men. MGTOW isn’t a movement. We don’t have leaders to be attacked. MGTOW is a mindset.

I’m going to have some things to say later on in a future post about the role of religion in this, because modern day churches have set themselves up into gynocentric institutions, despite protestations that it’s supposedly a patriarchy.  There could be some debate about whether this is because women took it over or men simply abdicated but it’s safe to say that most houses of worship are hostile places for men.  I also alluded to the establishment of monasteries as perhaps the earliest roots of men going a different way from what society might otherwise want for men as self-sustaining communities that were able to exist and thrive apart from women.

The MGTOW mindset reverses the gynocentric brainwashing of men and introduces men to a lifestyle not dependent on female validation, freeing men from the all too frequent life destruction that accompanies giving women power over their lives – particularly through the most gynocentric of institutions – marriage.

90% of men’s life problems evaporate if they do but one thing – never give a woman psychical, psychological, emotional, legal, financial or spiritual power over your life. Nevertheless – media and religion push men to do just that – put their balls on the chopping block for women to destroy. Funny how that works. What would life be like for men if most didn’t give women this life destroying power over themselves?

Can you be married and be a MGHOW simultaneously? Can you be a smoker and a non-smoker simultaneously?

Hehe…well if there is a way to be a smoker and non-smoker simultaneously, I’m doing exactly that.  I’ve been vaping for a couple of years.  No fire, no smoke.  So maybe the analogy works better than I would have first thought.  Sure, I’m still getting nominal amounts of nicotine and possibly a few other foreign substances (I mix my own juice so I know exactly what is going into my tank) but it is not nearly as destructive as what I was doing before.  I LIKED smoking, even though it was bad for me.  But there was such an enormous overhead with the analog cigs that I was no longer willing to pay.  Burning the house down– that helped too.  But the bottom line is that I’m still engaged in part of the addiction but at the same time not as much and am in a better position to control my own habit.  I decide hoow much nicotine I get and have been decreasing it gradually to the point where it’s less than a third of where I started.  I’m working on it.

So I suppose as someone who is looking at being a MGHOW, I’m a recovering blue pill addict and doing it in the same purposeful, deliberate manner.  Weaning myself out where the emotional devastation that usually accompanies a man who gets blind-sided with divorce will be minimized.  The financial fall-out might take a bit more preparation but it’s the same.   The ‘nicotine’ of most married guys (or those seeking relationships with women) is sex.  That is the hook that women can use to catch and reel most guys in, and then they keep him strung out like a junkie, giving just enough to keep him hooked but not enough to keep him satiated.  In this way, I’m already ahead of most MGTOW fellows because I have been without for 5 years.  I quit begging for my fix and have learned to live without.  The overhead of sex just isn’t worth it.

MGTOW aren’t here to shame men that got married – we’re here to enlighten men on the increasingly destructive nature of relationships with women. Many MGTOW are divorced men or men that have otherwise been badly burned.  In the past 50 years, in the US alone, tens upon tens of millions of men’s lives have been destroyed by women through divorce. Every year, in the US alone, tens upon tens of thousands of men commit suicide. A man’s suicide rate skyrockets as a result of divorce – while women’s suicide rate following divorce remains static. 95+% of alimony and child support go from men to women – yet women are strong and independent. This massive, forced transfer of wealth (legalized theft and destruction of the patriarchy) has been going on for decades.

It’s right here where the voice of the presently married guys need to be heard.  MGTOW is dominated by 2 groups; the guys who have never been married and woken up before they got hitched and those who got burned.  In both cases, it’s people who have been disengaged by choice or by circumstance.  Those of us still in the kettle have a seat at this table because while the case is masterfully made about how divorce destroys the lives of men, there is also the effects it has on children.  And about half of these children are going to grow up to be men.  There is something to be said for trying to reverse some of the brainwashing and trying to raise boys who are more independent thinkers.  Guys capable of going their own way.  The guys who have no children can’t do that.  The divorced guys can, although part of the tyranny of family law is that often the role a father plays in the child’s life is marginalized after divorce, and the mother is then able to complete the indoctrination process unhindered.  Think about it: they spend an entire day in public schools where 95% of the teachers are women.  They go to church where women run the show and then go home to mom.  There’s no counter-balance except for those of us who are still in the mix.

Watch the debate on the Safe Campus Act. It will be extremely telling if it fails. If it does fail, with nothing similar to replace it, women will have won carte blanche to have men expelled from college after they have regret-sex or get dumped by their college boyfriends. Soon after that, women will push to have the same removal of men’s rights to presumption of innocence and due process enshrined in the criminal justice system – just as they’ve done with the VAWA. [Links add by me – DJ]

In the case of the Safe Campus Act, women won’t gain anything by the defeat of the bill that they don’t already have.  But both pieces of legislation cited above do point out the hazardous nature of being a man in our country today.  But they came about because of the hazardous nature of being a woman.   One of the unique things about MGTOW, compared to those who have advocated turning the clock back as traditionalists, is that it is moving forward in an assertive and non-violent way.  One would think that feminists who oppose violence against women and the objectification of women would jump on board and get behind this.  MGTOW is an anti-female objectification mindset.  It could be nicknamed the “Stop-thinking-with-your-dick” mindset.  It’s guys thinking with the wrong head that mostly gets them in trouble in the first place when it comes to women and often the violence comes when they aren’t getting what they want from the person they want.

Thanks for commenting and contributing, Tim!

 


MGTOW – Where was I when this party started?

September 19, 2015

Howdy ho!  To whomever is still around…

I knew I would be back here at some point because I keep seeing articles and news stories that catch my eye and I think “Gosh, these would make some good blogging topics!”  But the rest of my life would get in the way or I would get busy binge-watching old episodes of Survivor.  For the past few days I’ve been watching videos and visiting sites relating to this idea of MGTOW.  Men Going Their Own Way.  It’s a very interesting movement and the most serious adherents would probably claim that I have no legitimate business being part of it.  But I beg to differ.

First off, following the above link might not provide a very succinct description of what the movement is about.  Basically, it is men withdrawing from the dating game in a realization that society has stacked the deck against them in the social, economic and political arenas when it comes to relationships and marriage thanks largely to a feminist agenda.  I’m sure I have had a feminist reader or two (but prolly not much after today) but the MGTOW movement, while recognizing that men are victims of a rigged system, do not necessarily hate women.  They simply distrust them.  And instead of having an agenda that seeks to turn the clock back (like many traditionalists would do) they simply come to the realization that the entire game is simply not worth it.  And so they go their own way.  Which is to say, they aren’t interested in marriage or relationships with women.

It’s not really a new thing at all, now that it comes to me.  Monasteries and Convents have espoused a similar view for centuries, except instead of individuals going their own way, they decided to go God’s way.  I visited a local monastery a couple of times during the past year and bought a book on the subject and have to admit that there was some appeal to the concept of withdrawing from the fight altogether.  heaven knows my life over the past few years has become more and more monastic in the way it looks.  Other than the occasional porn.   But even right down to spending more time outside, with my newest hobby: beekeeping.  A body can learn a lot about about females when you are spending time with about 60,000 of them.

MGTOW is a movement that would seem tailor-made for a person like me except for one thing: I’m married.  The fundamental tenet of the movement (and the monastic movement) is that you eschew marriage and relationships in order to devote yourself too other things.  The secular version seems to be about devoting oneself to oneself.  But regardless, the focus is on investing oneself into other things besides the modern practice of constantly chasing and seeking after female approval and validation.

Before I go a lot further, I’m well aware that women suffer from similar conditions: seeking after male validation and approval.  However I don’t believe it is as acute as it is for men and I’ll explain why that is presently.

When I look at my present circumstances, and any sort of quest for freedom, happiness or contentment, I find myself staring down a very deep abyss that has kept me from making any sort of move since starting this blog.  Basically, the one suggestion that I have never taken but has been suggested over and over and over again is the route of divorce.   Family law takes a dim view of a guy walking away just for the hell of it.  While sexual inertness could be a just cause in some eyes, the law doesn’t see it on the same terms as infidelity.  Walking away would be a case of economic and familial Armageddon.  It would be mean putting the kids through a lot of turmoil, it would mean a terrible drop in our standard of living, which already rests right on the poverty line.  This does not mean I could never exercise that option, but what we have going now is probably the best option.  Basically, I have my space and she has hers.  And we share the kids while I pay for pretty much all the necessities and she pays for what she wants.

I’m sure I have mentioned it before, but Arwyn is not very good at managing resources of any sort.  So my presence does at least provide some financial stability for the boys as they grow up and hopefully get to a spot where they might be able to fend for themselves.  There’s mitigating circumstances on that as well, relating to disabilities but I’m thinking I’ll end up taking that on eventually on my own.  At least I’m prepared to do that if/when necessary.

One thing about the MGTOW movement is that there has not really been much of a conversation about guys like me: guys who discovered the “Red Pill” only after already being married.  Most f the movement’s energy is directed toward preventing guys from making the mistakes we’ve already made.  Which is all fine and good, but I think there is a place for us married guys at the table.  Afterall, we have inside knowledge of what the danger signs are and what awaits the unwary and hapless fellow who happens to get involved to the point where he’s looking at all of the liabilities and none of the benefits of marriage.

I’m certain Arwyn has weighed the pros and cons of divorce in her own mind.  If I were making more money to be able to afford lots of child support and alimony, she would have either kicked me out or moved out a long time ago as she isn’t much happier than I am with where we are in the marriage.  We haven’t acknowledged our wedding anniversary for about 5 years and it’s been about that long since I made any effort towards valentines day.  I do help the boys pick out stuff for her for Christmas and her birthday.  In a lot of ways, we have sort of gone our own way.   But there is still expectations that I pay for everything, take care of the house and the food while not having a lot of say in what happens within the house.  I can;t leave my little office without her rushing at me to fix or solve some problem that she has with her stuff or with the boys.  I’m expected to continue to be her utility while she gets to be…I suppose a baby sitter?

The kicker is that I haven’t really seen any indication that this condition would be substantially improved living with a different woman.  In fact it could be a lot worse if I was living with someone who screamed and yelled all the time.  Sure, there hasn’t been any sex in over 5 years but it’s not like the sex was that great before that.  Basically I’ve arrived at the dominant conclusion within the MGTOW movement: The pussy just isn’t worth it.

To be fair, I have absolutely no doubt that there are women who have arrived at a similar conclusion when it comes to men, except that a premium has never really been placed on male sexuality as much as his ability to provide.  However the women who gravitated here were ones who had the misfortune of seeing their own sexual values minimized, which given all of the sexual stereotypes amounted to a sort of wild blind-side.   I’ve seen pics of a few and these were not ugly women either.  They simply ended up with guys who checked out of the typical sexual game far earlier than expected.  I’m not dismissing these ladies at all, but I can only relate best to my own experience.

If I decide to, I might expound more on the topic as I think more on it.  It’s what has been resonating with me lately, although I’m not as much onto disliking women as much as many of the folks in the MGTOW universe.  Women are people and aren’t inherently better or worse than men, although in the modern climate I’m not sure that women and men are necessarily good for each other.  Arwyn is not necessarily a bad person, but I don’t think she has ever really and truly valued me in the same way I valued her.  At some point I became a utility and a non-person except when she had some need.  I might have been going about things in a similar fashion in going after her to meet my sexual needs, but I was at least willing to look for some common ground and willing to try to negotiate.  Now that the sexual shop is closed, I find I’m still doling out the utility but get zero in return.  I find over time I’m less willing to simply go along with her crap just because.

 

 


Happy 2015! Hysterical Literature

January 1, 2015

I have SOO missed writing, blogging and just the general mischief that I used to do and cause with this site!  and I’ve missed the sex talk and the community and just everything.  And the sex.  I miss sex.

Actually I have sex whenever I want it, just not with anyone else.  It’s been 5 years…or is it 6.. since I had sex of any sort with Arwyn.  Honestly, I’m not sure I miss that so much as I miss those early days of good sex.  Of being young and having a willing partner who was willing to explore and experience things.

I might also be slightly inebriated this evening, what with ringing in the new year and all.  By myself.

Actually it’s not by myself because I’m bringing you, my reader(s?) with me.  By the time you read this, you’ll be well into your new year (and so will I) but imagine for a moment that it’s New Year’s Eve.  The end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.  Where are you and what are you doing?  Where I live, I can hear some fireworks in the distance and it’s only 11:38.  But I imagine a few of the other drunks are shooting their fireworks prematurely because they simply can’t wait to shoot their load of good cheer upon the surrounding neighborhoods.  As long as they don’t cause any fires and burn my house down, I say go for it.  Even though it is still annoying.

I’ve been perusing some videos and decided I needed to share.  These COULD be safe for work, provided you keep the sound low enough or wear headphones.  These are some of the sexiest videos I have watched in recent memory.  They are of women reading books aloud.  Some of the books are erotica but some of them are relatively mundane.  Here’s one of a woman reading about Whitney Houston and her ’80’s music:

Here’s one in Russian:

You can find these in a variety of languages and literary genres to fit your own tastes.  And if you’re seriously addicted to this sort of thing, you can go to Booknob and see these things for about $50 a month.  Oprah never had a book club quite like this!

I like this sort of thing.  The women are seemingly trying to concentrate on reading their books but end up giving in almost totally to their own sensuality.  It’s art and erotica and literacy all rolled into one, although it seems the subjects almost never end up finishing their books or even a single chapter.

It is enormously tempting to fast forawrd to the 2 minute mark where things start getting exciting, but if you do you’ll miss the important subtleness of the quickness of breath, the changing cadence of the reading, the mispronounced words.  you’ll mis the subtle physical cues, the squirming and involuntary movements and reactions.

These are the the small, subtle things I miss most about sex.  I remember one woman who I would bring to raoring and loud orgasms, playing her expertly while my ear rested over her chest, listening to the increasing tempo of her heartbeat and the deepening of her breathings.  I remember thinking how awesome it was to know that I was doing this.  I was responsible for this wonderful thing that was swelling and growing until it reached its fullness, opening like a flower, bursting forth the rich nectar of carnal pleasures.  I did that.  Once.  Well…more than once but it was a long, long time ago.

Arwyn would never allow me to do that for her.  Ever.

I did, however, allow her to do something like this to me.  I wasn’t reading any sort of literature (erotic or otherwise) but we often talked about the mundane things.  Longtime readers may recall this time as it represented a compromise of sorts.  She would do this whenever she wasn’t in the mood for full-on sex.  Which was most of the time.  The caveat was that I had to ask.  But of course often her hands were dry and chapped and it often took effort to get her to do this much.  Or the time on Valentine’s day where she fell asleep in the middle.   Good times.  Hehe…sarcasm.

She would stroke my hardening shaft and we would talk about whatever was on her mind, mostly the kids or chores or whatever.  In some ways, there were elements of our good friend Lady Misato at work.  But the room was always mostly dark, and the only cues as to my impending happy ending to the works of my wife’s hand was the subtle changes in the pitch of my voice, the gasps and shallowness of my breathing and of course whatever throbbing she could feel in her hands.  To her credit, Arwyn always stroked through the very end, albeit with a towel.  But I never got the impression that she particularly enjoyed these little sessions.  And aside from the physical relief and the accompanying pleasure of an orgasm, I derived a lot less pleasure from them than if she would have somehow been into it.  And so I quit asking.  And never once has she ever offered.  Ever.

I think this is one of the more bitter losses when it comes to the loss of my sexuality.  The ability to do that for someone else.  Of course, in the early days, I was into the idea of ‘no talking’ but those little sessions with Arwyn did make me acutely aware of how arousal can affect a person’s voice as well as the rest of their body.  In an odd way, I sorta got off on what it did to me, and that was during a period where not being in control held a lot of appeal.  I often fantasize about how I might do things differently if I was with those earlier lovers, knowing what I do now.

The most important gift you can give your lover is your own enthusiasm for whatever it is you are doing with them and to them.  If you are enjoying it, chances are enhanced that they will too, whether or not you are hitting the exact right spot.  Because the most sensual target of all is not the space between their legs, but the space between their ears; their mind.

Hysterical Literature is a lovely project and I richly enjoyed watching it and certain memories evoked.  Many of those videos were worthy to be watched more than once, just to tune into the wonderful intricacies of arousal and response and even the selections that the ladies chose to read.  No nudity at all, just women reading their favorite books.


Real Women Don’t Do Housework: Book Review

February 18, 2014

Hehe….I give the lady credit…she got me to post something!

Our good friend, Lady Misato has taken her website and turned her concept into a book. I’m not sure exactly how I appeared on her list, except I have discussed her ideas before. So she sent me a free manuscript of her book and I decided to give it a read.

My first encounter with her and her beliefs were years and years ago in a Usenet group that was devoted to marriage. I was intrigued by her ideas but did not place particular stock in them back then, but she was an interesting and colorful character. After a few years, I revisited her website with renewed interest and thought seriously about giving her ideas a try. She has moved from her Geocities site to a new one (www.rwddh.com) but it remains very similar to the site even as it was in 1998. Same color scheme, pictures and similar links.

Lady M’s book has much of the material from her original website, however she has refined her content and added excerpts from real couples that add interest and color to the ideas she is suggesting. These narratives help illustrate her ideas in real, concrete and practical terms which is something that was not necessarily the case with her original website. While I enjoyed her ideas before, these added narratives add some welcome insight from the perspective of both sides of the relationship. The couples describe what they are doing and how they feel in their own words.

The linchpin of Real Women Don’t Do Housework is the concept of erotic power, specifically the idea that women can use their sexuality to manipulate their husbands into courting them and meeting their needs. Reading what I just wrote, you can see the hardest sell here. You have to convince women that it is not only possible to do this, but that it is okay. The whole concept of “manipulation” has some negative connotations, especially if you are in denial of the fact that you are already doing it. Everyone attempts to manipulate their environment in a way that optimizes their happiness even if its done unconsciously. Lady M simply makes this process overt and purposeful. Being willing to explore the possibilities is the first prerequisite for getting through the first 20 pages.

After an initial introduction, Lady M describes in detail about how to get your relationship where you want it to go. In “Getting Started” she describes exactly how to get the ball rolling. This procedure is pretty simple, but it has the potential for being powerful. But there are some demands here that are not necessarily apparent, namely a certain degree of confidence in the wife in order to get her to this point and seeing it through. As a guy reading this, I can attest to the power she’s channeling but this might not be so readily apparent to a woman who herself might have numerous body and confidence issues.

The next chapters address such topics as training, submission, control and management and eventually it enters the darker areas of punishment and rebellion. It’s during these latter phases that you are either open to her ideas or you decide to close the book. The narrative interviews do help soften some aspects of these topics, but for me they were probably the most difficult to read and accept. It’s basically at this point that a person is either committed and “all in” or not and it goes beyond the fun little experimental game at the beginning into more of a committed lifestyle. Eventually she introduces the idea of the token economy, which is a well-known intervention in behavioral circles, basically using sex as the back-up reinforcer for any desired behaviors.

The book eventually leads into a totally wife-led marriage and includes chapters on taking control of the marital assets and finances as well as all of the major decision-making.

The end of the book included a couple of intriguing parts that are worthy of mention. Lady M is willing to help coach and personally give advice. And Lady M is also looking for a successor to carrying forth her message. I admire her for her commitment toward saving marriages, even if her methods are unorthodox and find it interesting that even as she is on the cusp of success in publishing a book, she is already looking at retiring from what seems to be a labor of love. She’s been at this for almost 20 years, which is a long time to serve what has been a fairly small niche in the area of marriage enhancement.

Lady Misato’s ideas are still as radical today as they seemed to me in 1998 and they are definitely not for everyone. She states many of these qualifications upfront. If there is a history of abuse, this is not the book for you. There are also some other qualifications that are not explicitly stated but that are going to to be obstacles. First off, the woman has to have some openness or a willingness to be open to expanding her sexuality. Embracing erotic power requires at least a fundamental sense of and comfort with sexuality. If there are other sexual issues, this approach is not likely to work.

And this is where I inject some of my personal experience. Other books that I have read actually encourage and incorporate certain aspects of Lady Misato’s approach in a more conventional and less manipulative manner, mainly using erotic touch and stroking to help deepen the connection between the married couple. Sometimes it is mutual stimulation and perhaps even using aspects of the “conversation” approach to encourage intimacy. In my own marriage, Arwyn was never comfortable touching me this way, although she did try it a few times at my urging. I can attest to the power of suggestion Lady Misato describes. However, Arwyn was never comfortable using this technique and in her mind she really couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea and thought I should be simply willing and able to talk openly without her having to touch me.

The second major pitfall is oral sex. In Lady Misato’s approach, this is a a major aspect of gaining and maintaining control, namely making sure that the woman is fully satisfied during each and every sexual encounter. In Arwyn’s world, oral sex is not pleasurable and is in fact unthinkable. Even touching her with my hands has always been a no-no. Which means satisfying her has never been an easy task. One time, I even tried to use a cock ring in order to maintain my erection longer. Even this small thing distracted her and made her freak out and loose interest.

Clearly there are problems in my marriage that transcend Lady Misato’s approach. Would I be amenable in another life? Perhaps.

This book and the techniques would hold promise for a couple whose marriage has settled into a rut or perhaps even a state of boredom where the wife might feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Resentment might be taking hold, and it might be time for things to change. Passion and spark might be gone and the attention the lady once enjoyed might have been supplanted by attention to work, hobbies or other interests. In any case, a wife might want to get her husband’s attention, keep it and focus it. Lady Misato’s techniques are based on behavioral approaches that are fairly simple and effective. But I think there might need to be a slight increase in emphasis of these being applied in a loving way. This is your husband, one that you love and cherish and that you want to keep loving and cherishing. I could see where this fact might get lost in many of the technical aspects of applying the behavioral techniques she describes. And when she describes getting a lawyer in order to obtain the power of attorney and micromanging his life it starts to veer farther astray of this essential truth. Keeping score with a token economy, keeping track of receipts and written contracts and promises start to look like more bother than it might be worth not to mention it undercuts a great deal of trust that should be present in a mutually loving relationship. And there might be far ranging consequences of some of the legal controls put in place that would need to be thought out. In the same way many women today find themselves at a distinct legal disadvantage when their husband dies, such legal wrangling could put the husband in a similar needless disadvantage.

Not all women are comfortable making all the decisions and some might even rather have their husbands be more dominant. If that is the case, this book is not for you.

I was able to read this book of 93 pages in just a couple hours, which also includes a bit of time writing this review. I enjoyed revisiting some of the things I had seen on her website, and I still highly recommend it as a place to look at some unconventional thoughts on thawing out a marriage that might appear to be frozen. I don’t believe most men would succeed in introducing or talking their wives into this, but I do believe there is a population of women that could successfully apply many of the principles and techniques to improve their own situations. With the right mixture of openness, willingness and intelligence it might be just the thing to revitalize their marriages. It certainly is worth adding to the list of things tried well-ahead of getting an attorney to fill out divorce papers.