Doing Mt. Everest

May 27, 2008

High time for an update, I would say. And that for a couple of reasons. First, I need to keep the story moving and second I need to pave the way for an upcoming blogging blitz. I need to finish a couple of books and I need to blog them, just to make sure I can internalize them. So stand by for that, as it should be fun.

Maybe.

I also plan on visiting you all more and clean up my blogroll. Like my garden, there are a lot of dead spots that need to be culled out and filled up with some new blogs that I’ve been reading.

And now for the update…

When last I blogged, we were having some problems getting it together for date night. In fact, the one Wednesday she managed to come through has been the one and only time that we’ve managed to get together for date night. During the last joint session, I brought up the fact that sex hadn’t happened since the last session (Over two weeks, since he had been sick) and Arwyn said it was hard to get into it because I seemed a bit lackadaisical about it the way I behaved. I didn’t seem overly enthused. So I put it this way:

Basically, getting enthused and ramped up for date night is an unmitigated disaster for me. Something will invariably come up and date night gets canceled. All that energy put into anticipation and enthusiasm becomes dashed to pieces in disappointment. Emotionally, the toll is too high to pay when it happens time after time after time. Basically, 90% of the time, date night does not happen. I can cope with some disappointment sometimes, but not at the high rate that it happens when it comes to planning sex. So it is easier not anticipating and taking a more laid back approach so I’m not shattered by disappointment. Devoting a lot of energy in the build-up and excitement translates into anger, bitterness and resentment when it does not happen. Okay, so she experiences pressure. But she needs to decide. Enthusiasm = pressure, so which does she want? It’s a tricky, tricky thing.

The therapist offered this compromise: if date night falls through on Friday night, then we’ll get together on Saturday night as a fall-back. Okay, I can try that. Arwyn also went for it. So here comes Friday and…

It falls through. I’m feeling under the weather but am willing to hold to the commitment, but she is too tired. So, here comes Saturday. Nothing. Sunday, she finally says that we can get together on Tuesday night. Okay, fine. But I’m not holding my breathe here. In the meantime, She has a solo session with the therapist that evening and I have no idea what happened, but she did stick with her promise. We did have an interesting experience, which I’ll share in a moment, but there’s still more water to travel under this bridge, just to clear away all the refuse.

So we had sex on Tuesday, and I’m wondering what Friday will bring, since we seem to have had sex already this week. So Friday comes and I’m in the bedroom reading or watching TV. She comes in and gets ready for bed so I get ready for bed, too. Yes, I’m tired but we start kissing and generally making out which amps up my energy level considerably. Then, here it comes; “I’m tired and going to sleep.”

Crap.

Oh well. That’s been the way it has gone. I had a fitful night of sleeping and waking but made it through. The next morning, she woke up and as I was leaving the house for an early appointment, she said “Can we have some husband and wife time tonight?”

Okay.”

Okay?Just okay?”

Yeah, okay if you want.”

There was that lack of enthusiasm thing again, but I’m better off not getting psyched when disappointment looms large around every opportunity. There seems to be a dark cloud inside of every silver lining!

Okay, so we’re still struggling here. But as several of you have pointed out, this is still progress. It’s dirty, gritty, messy and difficult all the way, but progress is progress. It’s like fucking Mount Everest. You can freeze to death, lose a limb or plummet to your death. But you keep aiming for the summit, even when you are totally out of your mind. Perhaps especially when you are out of your mind.  And then there’s the trip back.

So let’s talk about the sex, sans the bitterness for a minute. The sex has been getting better, even with the freezing, snow-blowing storms all around. Our sex-script for the past 10 years or so goes like this:

She takes off most of her clothes except for panties.

She lies on the bed face down.

I give her a back rub, getting more and more turned on.

I finally start taking off her panties.

She rolls over and if I still have underwear on, she takes them off.

She gets on top.

She grinds around, and sometimes gets into it and sometime just seems to want me to hurry up and get it over with.

I get it over with.

My orgasm kicks her desire up and she decides to want more, but I’m spent.

She gets frustrated as I enter the refractory period.

Not much post-play. Usually she washes up/showers and I fall asleep.

Sometimes I get to be on top, which has happened more and more since we started trying to work on the sex life again.

A couple weeks ago, we changed it up in a major way.

There was no backrubbing but she and I got our clothes off straight away. I prefer more participatory and naked foreplay anyway, so this was refreshing. She came across the bed, and I met her and we just sort of came together sitting up and embraced. I’m sitting with my legs out and she’s on her knees as we embrace and kiss. She’s getting a bit more excited and so am I and she tries to grind into me, but she can’t get anywhere while she’s kneeling. So she finally wraps her legs around my waist, which does feel fabulous.

I’ve looked for this position on the internet, since the internet is a grand repository of all things sexual. But oddly enough I have yet to find this exact position. The closest is using a chair, but we’re both flat on the bed. According to another site, it does mention this variation but it is listed as an advanced position!

During our initial foray with this, we did not finish in this position. In fact, I don’t think there was any penetration before we moved on to the good ole missionary. But it was pretty hot.

So last Saturday, it was as easy as gravity trying this again. This time, Arwyn was very keen to really give this position a go. Getting inside of her proved to be a bit of a challenge, so we had to go into a sort of spider position in order for me to maneuver myself into her. And that itself was totally hot, hot, hot. That’s because it involved me waving my schwartz around and getting it into her using my hands. My hands have never gotten that close. But there I was and there she was. I had to do some work to get in there at that angle, but it was worth it. I got inside, she leaned forward, and I held on for dear life. She was definitely turned on and went for it.

I did not know this position was advanced at the time, but I can see why it is. A chair would definitely make it totally easier I think, especially with having some back support. Moving was really hard, but I really did go for it as she was getting into it more and more. My back was getting sore and my legs felt like they were cramping up. She was moving and grinding and holding on tight and seriously getting into it, and I am basically holding on for dear life. I was getting worn out! She finally quieted a bit and I needed a change in position. But no change was going to get my mojo back, as I really was all spent, energy-wise. And I did seriously try, and she even used her hands to try to bring me back to life. It felt really good, but the whole moment had passed. I did tell her that it was totally hot, though. Not getting off was not a huge deal to me as the novel experience was enough to fuel some major fantasies for quite some time.

I’m thinking a chair would really help, especially if we could both get our feet on the floor. She even mused about me getting my back against the headboard, but that won’t work as she has to have some place for her feet.

If I’m not mistaken, there might be one or two of you more experienced with the sitting position. What say you? I’m curious as to both male and female points of view with this. Having one more position in the repertoire definitely helps relieve the boredom factor. But the fatigue factor is a big one, at least for me the way we did it.

So there you have it. There’s some frustrating topography but there’s also some good experiences, too. It’s mostly a matter of us getting it together, and we are working on it. Our therapist is taking this week off and I’m up for a solo visit next time around. Her and the boys will be going to Florida that week, so we’ll be working on getting her ready this week. We’ll be busy but I’m looking forward to having some blog time that week

D.


An Update Amidst The Drought

May 11, 2008

After not blogging for so long, it’s kind of difficult to get back into it, especially for one like this, that has a sort of narrative theme. It would seem that I have some catching up to do.

After the last encounter, Arwyn made good on the date night the next week despite the fact that she was tired, and truth be known, so was I. So afterward, we were lolling around in bed and she asked if we could move our date nights to Friday nights. That reflected my thoughts exactly, so it was easily agreed upon. This meant waiting an extra few days for the next date night, but I was okay with that. I’ve had to wait a lot longer than 10 days before, it’s not a huge deal.

This did come up during our joint therapy appointment, and the therapist was very keen on the idea of scheduled date nights. We also discussed the fact that I was entering into my busiest and most difficult time of the year, much akin to 2Amsomewhere’s Death March where I work crazily long hours and fall under a considerable amount of stress. The therapist brought up the idea that it was during such times of stress where physical intimacy might be even more important to keep the connection alive. That thought resonated with me. With Arwyn? Not so much.

Thursday came, and Arwyn had a doctor’s appointment to get her hands looked at, as they were bothering her from carpel tunnel syndrome. A shot of cortisone in each wrist and a few hours later, she was in such bad pain she could not move either hand without being in serious pain. The boys and I had to feed her, which was good for a laugh and did lift her spirits quite a bit. The fact that date night would be a wash was a foregone conclusion, and I knew she couldn’t help it, so no big deal. But she really made no special effort to offer a rain check, either. And she felt well enough to do some extensive shopping on Saturday, blowing a small fortune, but not enough to push my cart, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Still, she complained of minor pain so I didn’t make a huge deal about it.

But as time wore on, it became more of a huge deal, but I had no time to talk about it because I have been so busy trudging through the trenches. Another week goes by and Friday night comes. This time we were out late at the kids’ baseball game and both tired. She at least apologized for that and then went to do other stuff so I could watch Battlestar Galactica. Thank goodness for decent TV! And then today she was complaining of all the stuff she had to do, and there was a very, very noticeable lack of enthusiasm and urgency in getting the kids to bed. I helped move them along but she was so not involved. I guess the whole Mother’s day clause has kicked in already. I plan on either cooking something good for her or going out to eat. Going out to eat on Mother’s day involves a huge hassle factor as everyone…and their mother…are eating out.

So I figure if I’m not having sex for several weeks it’s worth blogging about!

Our therapist was sick last week so that appointment was canceled. If I wasn’t going to bring it up last week, it will certainly be a topic for this next week. No we haven’t hashed it out, and that has been costly but I’ve been extraordinarily busy. In all fairness, she’s feeling a considerable amount of her own stress, too and I have not been very available in any sense of the word to support her very much. There hasn’t been much intimacy at all and I feel I need to deal with my stresses on my own as she’s not willing or able to be available.

Perhaps a gardening update will be more optimistic:

I’ve had fresh lettuce and asparagus for the past month, and it has been mighty nice. The radishes didn’t amount to much. While parts of Georgia has enjoyed some regular rain, my part has not. I emptied my rain barrel last weekend in anticipation of it being refilled the next day. That rain never happened. We did get a brief shower of a couple tenths on Wedensday, but the anticipated rain of today totally blew by or around us. We’re going to be dry again this year and I’m going to need another rain barrel or two or three.

My garlic is ready to dig up and I think the elephant garlic should be ready. I’ve never planted the elephant variety before, but it must be ready as it is shooting up flower stalks. They look a bit weird so I might let a couple of them bloom just to see what their flower looks like. The tops aren’t dying back like the other variety, so I’m not sure when theyare supposed to be ready short of pulling them up.

Pole beans are coming along as well as some sugar snap peas. The beets didn’t make it and I’m not sure if the bush beans will. Casualties of our fickle weather. Tomatoes look good as they always get the most of whatever water I have. Blueberries look real good, as they should since they had the year off last year. Peaches don’t look good at all, but the almond tree is loaded. Those can double as peaches in a real pinch, and they’ll probably have to this year again. One apple tree totally did not make it, another looks sick and the third looks like it might be okay but we have never done overly well with apples here. And the plums have never produced anything. I think I’ll be using the prolific branches to build supports for my other stuff. If they happen to get whatever blight is going after my apple trees, I would feel bad about cutting them down.

The blackberries look good, as they always seem to do well, even during last year’s drought. They aren’t the stars that the blueberries are, but they certainly are dependable. Keeping the weeds down while giving them space to run a bit is the biggest challenge. and the garlic chives do what garlic chives do best; grow like crazy! I need to find more uses for them.

D.