I’m going to be talking more about God on this blog than on my previous (or other) blog simply because it is a huge part of the “Redemption” part of my theme. I wanted it to be a bigger part because I feel the need to be grounded and centered that way. This does not mean I am a perfect Christian. Regular readers know better. It is because of my serious flaws that I am in need of redemption in the first place!
As someone in need of redemption, it would be foolish of me to judge others in need of redemption. And we all do in some fashion whether or not we acknowledge it. There’s the reality for you. so I’m okay with the heathens who want to hang around. You are all entitled to make your own choices.
Square1 again delivers the goods on the topic, so this is just my reply/two cents.
I believe that God takes an active part in our daily lives. I believe He cares deeply for us probably on a level that we can not comprehend. So if I’m going to follow that line of thinking, God somehow has some reason or purpose behind me being hooked up with Arwyn. Earlier this year I did make a definitive statement that my marriage was the hill I would die on. I would die before I would give it up.
God, in typical fashion, decided to put me to a bit of a test on that. And I have failed pretty miserably. The lesson here is that I’m a pretty selfish bastard when it comes down to it and there’s little that I wouldn’t do to save my own ass. Someone out there is wondering why a loving God would test me so. For the same reason a parent eventually lets go of the bicycle seat only to watch their youngin’ fall. A body has to fall once in a while, how else are you going to learn to get up and get back on again? How else is a condescending prick going to learn a bit of humility?
Not getting into specifics on this right now. But it has precipatated this bit of introspection you all are enjoying at the moment. Did God intend on Arwyn and I being together until one of us died? I don’t know God’s precise intentions. I do know that it would please Him greatly if we did but He would love us no less if we didn’t. Something that drives both Arwyn and I is the fear of abandonment. We both have that running through us at all times, in all settings. It is part of the air that we breathe. We feel the other has left us, disappointed us, abandoned us and betrayed each other on some level. There are hurts we have felt that were never fully rendered but they didn’t have to be. Our minds were capable of filling in the gaps and completing any unfinished punishment.
So it is into this mess that God has the opportunity to bring order. If He can restore balance and harmony here, He can do it anywhere. One of the few things working for us at this point is that Arwyn and I are both terribly tenacious in our stubborness. Neither wants to admit defeat and give in. There’s a part of me that hopes that this will sort of blow over with time. Maybe we can weather this out and arrive somewhere much better.
I read of a survey of around 1,000 couples where they discovered that many of them were extremely unhappy in their marriages. Five years later, they surveyed these couples again. They actually found that those who were the unhappiest that stayed married were more happy five years later than either the divorced folks or those who were happier earlier in their marriage. The conclusion reached by the researchers was that some discord, unhappiness and trouble was necessary to a healthy marriage! What’s more, was that those who persevered through the worst seemed to reap the biggest dividends.
None of that study had anything to do with God, except that God is not there to prptect us from every consequence, bump and scrape that we get ourselves in to. He is actually more interested in our character than our comfort. Marriage is the perfect manifestation of that dynamic because as long as we cling to our own comfort like a dog on to a bone, we are going to be handed more misery. At least that’s what I’m learning at the moment. So the answer seems to be to give up more of my own comfort, embrace the misery and get on with whatever Arwyn wants to dish out.
There’s something new. Easier said than done, because I need to give up whatever my terms are. Let her have it all if she wants. We’ll go to the poor house or jail or wherever we’re meant to be. This is where a faith in my own Heaven-ward destination offers me something in the way of comfort.
At this point, this rambling is me just noodling this out while writing. I do this more often than I care to admit and sometimes something just comes right out like that bit above. That’s why blogging does what it does for me. Consider that this came forth because I was reading Square1, who was reading Housewyfe, and then I posted stuff. Square1 posted more stuff in comments and so did Ed and Marie and some other folks, which all came together, here, to make this concoction you’re reading right now. God wastes nothing, even using a heathen like Ed to reveal whatever truth and reality might be lying around for me to dig up. It really is a group effort.
So now I have some positive things to think about and consider.