Intimacy vs Sex and Strange Pussy

December 31, 2012

SOMEBODY really found a way to push my buttons!


The questions (and there are a couple of them here) deal with what is intimacy, and how sex relates to it, if at all.  Oddly enough, my SL GF and I have had this exact discussion.  Since she has a RL BF, she decided to close up shop on the pixel grinding.  In a way, I can kind of respect that.  However her insistence on trying to still hold on to me in a sexless (even a virtually sexless one) gins up resentment that only readers here could possibly understand.

The central gist of this question is to somehow attempt to divorce sex from intimacy.  Our low libido folks will happily and readily chime in “YES!  There are all sorts of ways to have intimacy without having to be naked!”  And they are right.  You can cuddle, hold hands, kiss, go to movies, look into each others eyes, hug, talk about your feelings, and even talk about your problems.  All of these are ways to be intimate.  You can share hobbies and dance and wine and dine your way right into someones heart.

Can sex be divorced from intimacy?  Oh yes!  The entire porn and sex industry is built upon this proposition that you can get a sexual buzz without the bothersome baggage of intimacy.  There was an interesting TED talk on condoms in Africa where they were trying to get guys to wear them to prevent the spread of HIV.  What do you think about before getting a condom?

So there CAN and absolutely is a disconnect between sex and intimacy in the world today.  But is it right?  It probably often is a matter of circumstances.  For spouses separated because of war, or health issues there is a challenge here.  I might propose SL might be a possible solution for some.  Just a thought.  But let’s put the extreme circumstance to the side and let’s look at a more typical situation where there are two relatively healthy people living in the same house and possibly even sharing the same bed.  They can certainly live without sexual intimacy.  And if they BOTH agree, they can be pretty happy.

The problem comes when one person unilaterally decides that this is not going to happen, and the other person simply has a choice.  Live with it.  Or not.  “Or not” is the loaded minefield.

Arwyn made a similar unilateral decision recently.  She made the decision to get another cat.  She has adopted one from her mother previously and I didn’t make a huge deal about it since her mother was not able to care for her and the cat was well-mannered.  It was okay.  I was in on and went along with that decision.  But one day I saw her cleaning the oversized dog kennel and I asked her what she was doing.  “Oh…just cleaning it up.”  I thought maybe she was going to give it away or something.  But a couple days later she had a kitten.  She not only did not consult me, she actively hid and deceived me about the whole thing.  I was pissed.  Of course I would have vetoed the idea and Arwyn knows why.  She had two cats when we got married and in both cases *I* was the one who had to take them somewhere where they would have to be killed.  I flat out told her I was not killing anymore animals.  But now we have two.  The boys adore those cats and I am not mad at them.  I’m as affectionate with them, and its not THEIR fault they were brought in to the house.  But when Arwyn asked me to hold this kitten so she could trim her nails without getting bitten, I totally refused and reminded her that she brought this animal in the house without me. SHE was going to take responsibility.

Intimacy is that two-way street where two people care for each other and look out for each others well-being and interest.  It absolutely takes two people to have intimacy.  you can’t have intimacy between two people if only one person is committed.  I might even argue that you can actually have better intimacy if NEITHER person is committed!  At least there is some agreement.  But that is a rarity.  Usually in a relationship at least one person has some sort of commitment.  Commitment and devotion are the hallmarks of intimacy.  Even if you are both committed to being uncommitted!

So what about sex?  When Arwyn committed herself to making the house as sexless as possible, it was akin to me taking her cat out and shooting it.  No warning, no consultation.  Just take the pussy out of it.  No more pussy.

Now unlike my wife, my SL GF gave me permission to pixelate with other women in SL.  She mistakenly believes that strange pussy is somehow a substitute.  The same mistake is being made here that our friend Strom Dweller makes: That sex is simply some interesting and nonessential little thing  that involves the real or virtual substitution and insertion of parts in order to meet a physical or mental need.  And perhaps this is a distinctly female way of thinking.  That’s not to say men can not separate the two because we do it all the time.  But surely I’m not the only guy that would rather have the intimacy and the sex wrapped into one package deal.  The second one of the partners makes this a nonessential option is the moment when you start breaking down intimacy.  You diminish the other person’s worth and relegate their needs into something nonessential.  And then we run into “OH!  All I am to you is someone who you can have sex with!”  Again, usually it is the female making this assertion to the bewilderment of the guy.  He wants the package deal and indeed thought he was getting the package deal.  But her accusation has just divorced the sex from the intimacy and makes him feel like some sort of lecherous perv for wanting to get naked with his own wife.

That’s not to say that guys can not be lecherous pervs, even with their own wives.  We all now this and I have seen the stories, including Storm Dweller’s, where there were times when she was simply used by her ex.  It’s not usually so simple.  If you feel like you are being used, it’s okay to talk about it.  Negotiate.  Those discussions can actually lead to MORE intimacy.  But most of those who are closing up shop absolutely refuse to even talk about it.  They like talking about sex even less than they like doing it.  At least when they do it, they somehow get it over with and avoid the talking parts.  I mean, what can you possibly complain about if she is actually putting out?  If you have the guts to address the lack of intimacy in the act, you’re going to get your balls handed to you in bits because now she will simply say you aren’t going to be satisfied unless she becomes some sort of porn star.

I guess this hits a nerve because it represents the conscious and deliberate peeling away of sex from intimacy.  As if these were meant to be two separate things.  Sometimes they are, yes.  They aren’t always inclusive all the time.  But my opinion is that these should be the exceptions and not the rule.  There might be circumstances, yes.  But making this “peeling-off” a standard and deliberate practice is like a steady diet of cardboard.  It’s not going to fill or satisfy or even be pleasant to any but the most starved souls.  It CREATES a starved soul!

Hehe…Digger is BACK!

Keeping it Real

December 28, 2012

Hehe…thank you Xi for that inspiration!

My return here is sort of predicated on the idea that this has been an enormous source of support in the past, as we had a rather lively and diverse group who were all sort of struggling with something similar at a particular point in time.

The times, they have changed.  And for a lot of the old gang, it hasn’t been for the better.  In fact, I do not know of a single one in my old blogroll who managed to pull out the proverbial miracle.  The ones who are happiest seem to be the ones who have gotten out of their old situations and started completely over.  But that is no guarantee either.  I occasionally hear from a few, and have heard a few of their heartbreaking stories.  Maybe they are the only ones who check back in.  The ones who don’t are too busy having fun and sex and good times and sex!

As I’ve aged, the sex part has decreased in importance, but it still remains a very real predictor of intimacy for me.  There should be room for some naked fun between a real husband and wife.  Now certainly there are a few who are perfectly happy leading celibate lives.  For those of you where that is true, you are reading the wrong blog.  You can go now…Go shop at Katie’s Etsy store!

For everyone else, the reality is that endorphin depletion and deprivation leads to things like clinical depression which leads to all sorts of dark places mentally and emotionally.  I’ll never forget a low libido commenter who once said “No one ever dies from lack of sex.”  That is actually untrue.  Lots of people die from it, but they die so agonizingly slow and so ensconced in loneliness that no one ever sees or notices that they are slipping away.  It’s not the sex alone, it is the intimacy and connection that goes with it.  This is a package deal.  Your car runs just fine without air conditioning, but if you live in Georgia you will spend most of the year looking forward to November and then dreading March.  And you will suffer mightily for what might be considered nonessential.

I basically have a marriage that is like the car with no AC, vinyl seats and an old AM radio.  It sort of functions, but it’s not something I look forward to spending any time with at all.

Secondlife has been my escape from a relationship that is simply hostile.  I find other reasons to get up and carry on and one of those is logging on.  And through that I rediscivered the joy of having someone who wanted to spend time around me, be with me for who I was beyond the wallet.  It’s true…I have an avatar that makes the ladies drool.  I also have another avatar that makes the guys drool!  Haha!  I know what it takes to look good in SL, where it isn’t about genetics.  And then, when you get to hang out with someone enough you get past the looks and see what’s underneath…where it counts.

In a perfect world, there wouldn’t even be a need for games, TV, sports or diversions.  We could just be with our mates in the garden of Eden.  But we don’t live in that world at all.  If I want anything resembling a sex life or even a decent friendship, it isn’t going to be with Arwyn.  She’s not even that good a roommate!   So I develop connections and relationships elsewhere.  Which is what a lot of my other blog friends did and have done.  I’m not saying they are any better off, but neither are they any worse.

Why didn’t I think of this before?

December 26, 2012

Shoot.  I should have done this 3 years ago!  Well…better late than never.

It just hit me that I could link this here blog with me in SL.  And so I did.  I created an avatar named …..wait for it….

DiggerJones (or DiggerJones Resident or just Digger Jones) in Second Life!  I’m kinda excited about it.  I got an avatar that is a slightly younger and more drool-worthy of my real self.   Actually I’m still working on him.

SO, if you want to meet me virtually, it could not be easier.  Go to the secondlife site, pick an avatar, and once you get inworld, look me up and send me an IM!  I might b inworld or I might not.  But we might be able to set something up where we meet.  It IS free to join, though to really get access to the best stuff, you gotta pay a few L$.

But I’ll be happy to help you out.  There are places to get some decent free stuff and a few things you can do to make your SL a little more rewarding.  It’s in what you’re looking for.

Once I get my avatar put together the way I like, I’ll post pics.  This might be a great way to keep this blog going.  Only 61 more posts to #500!



Blue is the new White This Christmas

December 25, 2012

Wow…some of y’all are STILL reading!

Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year, everyone!

I do have stuff on my mind, but not sure how to get it out there.  Fortunately, my last post served as a nice way of getting you all up to speed on my Second Life.  That is still where the action is.  But I might as well a few things about RL as well.

Last night I went with my wife and the kids to their church for Christmas eve services.  I know I have written before about the differences between the Methodist church I attend and her choice in going to a more contemporary church.  It’s not that anyone is bad there.  In fact, they are good and loving people.  They seem to accept my oldest son, even though he says the darndest things.  Autism has a way of bringing out certain truths in certain people.  One thing they are used to is him wearing headphones to protect his ears.  And at the beginning of the service, one of the fellows there actually passed him some ear plugs, seeing he had forgotten to bring his ear protection.  And before the end of the service, I know I was probably not the only one who wished we had brought several sets.  Once they cut loose on the drum kit, my teeth were rattling inside my head!  It had been over a year since I attended a service with this church and within 25 minutes remembered exactly why.  A religious service can be heart warming and sometimes even soul-jarring.  But if the volume is the defining characteristic of the service and the lingering memory is a headache and ringing ears…these are issues in my mind.  Apparently the folks there are used to it, and they were singing and clapping along quite happily.  My oldest was more or less indifferent, quite content with his earplugs.

In our household, we bypassed the whole Santa bit from the very beginning, a fact for which I am richly grateful.  I may have pathologically poor judgement in many areas, but this was one decision that has paid dividends over the long run, even though it kinda horrified the grandparents and other relatives at first.  OH!  I love how this person went after the subject!   Basically we always open our gifts on Christmas eve after church and dinner.  And our kids were always perfectly happy with that arrangement.  Plus we had the added dividend of being able to sleep in, as the kids could wake up whenever they wanted and play with their new toys.

What a great opportunity for morning sex!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Not in this house.  Not in this lifetime.  And anyone thinking any different merely has to read the other 450+ posts on this blog.

Arwyn has basically moved out of our bedroom.  Longtime readers will remember that she always slept under separate blanket with her head at the other end of the bed for about the last 10 years.  When I got this new job, I set up a small space in the corner of the bedroom and she started sleeping on the couch as I sometimes did work late nights.  This has become the standard, now.  And I am uber cool with that.  I LOVE having my own space!  It really is like having my own apartment or dorm except I can’t bring in any real girls.  Virtual ones…that’s a different story altogether.

In the last update, My fae and I had a brief respite from SL as we were each starting new jobs.  But we still kept in contact with email anf FB accounts devoted to our SL selves.  We eventually both got back in, together, and had a good story going.  We got to a point where we relied so much on each other for support.  And she was truly incredible.  Unlike the first fae, this one was always ready fir a pixel grind.  So my needs were being met on several levels.

While we did know of eacher’s RL info, we never much communicated on that level, stivcking mostly yo our avatars and characters.  But she was a real arractive young women, making those fantasies even more real.   But alas.  Some dreams are not made for coming true in this life.  I was not going to leave my wife and kids to be with her half way across the country.  She did have a BF who was kind of a douche bag so I never really got too concerned about him.  But a couple of weeks ago, she finally fell for one of her coworkers.  This changed everything.

Last Saturday, we were supposed to meet inworld for a virtual date.  She had let me know she was spending the night with this other fellow the night before.  Whaereas the old BF never bothered me much this new one did.  The jealousy bug bit me HARD, especially Friday night.  I just knew he was wearing her out.  and he was.  Saturday night came….and went…I hadn’t heard anything from her since the Thursday morning before.  I tried everything I knew to reach her inwarold, FB, email and even texted her just asking if she was okay.  In all of our 2 years together, she had never stood me up and if she was even going to be late she would let me know.  Through power outages and hurricanes, she always found a way.

She eventually did get back to me.  Turns out she was exhausted, laid down for a nap and simply slept through what would have been our date.  she woke up at 2, but never checked her phone or turned on her machine.  Finally she woke up in the morning and checked her phone (which would not be the first place she would check for me, since we only texted when the internet went down) and finally…only then….had an “OH SHIT” moment.

This told me several things, most of which things had radically changed.  I was not her main guy anymore.  I was her number 2.  And really….who wants to be number 2?

The emotions are really mixed.  First off, I am happy FOR her, even though I was not happy WITH her.  As she got more involved with this guy, I could feel the change coming.  And I truly encouraged her to go for it.  I loved her enough that I wanted her to be happy.  Everyone deserves their shot at happiness and true love and this was hers; something she has waited her whole life for. I was just an option and an obstacle in the face of this new reality.  It kinda leaves me with an empty space, but I knew a long time ago that this would happen eventually.  It’s kinda moved fast, but she’s an adult.

We haven’t dissolved the partnership or anything and she has expressed a desire to sort of keep me as an option.  But there are two problems with this.  One is that it leaves me hanging and waiting around for something that may never happen which would be for her relationship to collapse.  What an awful thing!  This is akin to her waiting for me to divorce my wife and leave my kids.  Which isn’t likely.  So she grabbed at her chance and I do not blame her for that.  The other problem is that I KNOW how important it is to get things right from the beginning.  I screwed up that way in my own marriage and would not wish that on anyone else.

I do love this girl…alot.  When I did not hear from her for 4 days, I had a bit of an anxiety attack and was mentally trying to think of how I might get plane tickets and get to her if it came to that.  If she was in a hospital or in a coma on life support.  She feels like an asshole and feels like shit about standing me up on our date.  But this is indicative of a new reality….something not virtual.  But something real for her…a REAL chance at her own happiness.  She really is in love and feeling it, and just isn’t thinking about me so much anymore.

I REALLY am going to miss that regular, almost daily contact with someone who cares about me and can relate to what happens inworld.  I can talk about people and stories and things that happen there and she knows about them all. I already miss it.  I miss having that special someone who is thinking about me and wants to spend time thinking about me.

Nothing against y’all, but this blog is kind of a poor substitute.  However, even in just writing and explaining here it has kinda helped shed some insight on what I need to do.  I DO need to let her go for her own sake.  I’ll survive and get through it.  It’s kind of a heart ache.  A REAL heart ache.

I do miss the old blogging days and connecting with you all and having some really insightful and intense conversations.  You guys were a very real and important part of my support network and I’d like to think I was there to help support some of you.  In my own mind, that is the best way to deal with heartache and loss; to reach out to other people going through some of the same crap.  Even if we’re not always helpful at least we are not going through it alone.  I collected a blogroll of other people struggling because it DID give me some comfort in knowing I was not the only one struggling so hard and suffering.  **Hugs** to everyone!