Social Shaping or Gaming Your Weight Loss

June 30, 2012

Okies, so yesterday I spilled about how bad things had gotten.  And that felt pretty good.  And when you lay it all out and look over the damages, the perspective sort of helps guide things a bit.  It’s not going to be easy, but staying the same isn’t easy either.

I can not control what Arwyn does, but I can control what I do and how I look.

Back on 2007, I did the weightloss thing and posted here and got a lot of good support and a fair amount of advice as well as the advice that I was giving out.  It was a a very steady program, and this blog helped with that.  But I think I was helped more by being in the “Biggest Loser” contest at work.  It was the competitiveness as well as the fact I found an exercise that I liked.

Today, I am sharing a couple of links I found to places that have some aspects of what worked for me: Competion and social networking.

First off is Fitocracy, which is all about exercising.  It has points and quests and challenges and then you get to share these with your network.  And there are all sorts of groups and networks including zombie apocolypse enthusiasts.  Yes…they are getting in shape to outrun zombies.  And you can like and comment on each other’s progress, just like Facebook.  You can do all sorts of exercises too, from just the running to kayaking to different exercise machines.  I wonder….

Shoot!  Maybe this is an old cartoon…sex should be worth something!  Hehe…that 3rd panel is a good illustration of my life: Sex…activity not found.  That is one side treatment effect of being a big lazy slug.  I don’t care as much.

The other site I looked at actually balances the Fitocracy exercise network by doing almost the same thing only it focuses on eating and calorie intake.  It is cleverly called Calorie Counter.  It’s not as big or popular as its exercise-based sibling, but I’m thinking there is a sort of synergy between these two sites that seems natural.  People SHOULD do both.  Exercise alone, without  paying attention to calories and types of foods and portions just isn’t going to do it.

SO, I thought someone else out there might be interested.  Maybe some of you have done one of these and might want to share a review.  Fitocracy is pretty big so I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of my reader folks might have heard of that one.  The Calorie Count is one I fished from a link of a link from the Fitocracy blog.  Yeah, I’m beating the lurker bush to see what tumbles out!  Course I need readers to have lurkers don’t I?  Darn logic and rationality ambush me every time!

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Them’s that dies will be the lucky ones!

June 29, 2012

I went looking for some new blogs to link to while thinking about links that are now empty and lifeless, but it proved to be more daunting of a task than I remember it being when I started out.  I started out reading a blog or two but can’t seem to remember how this little group came about that seemed to sprout up from no where.

I think I just started writing and people started to show up.  And then their blogrolls became incorporated into mine and we just started exchanging and swapping bloggity fluids.  So I guess that’s what I’ll do again….just write and see who shows up.

I’ll never forget a comment left by someone who visited me years and years ago.  I don’t remember her name because she didn’t comment very often.  But she reflected the thinking of a lot of low libido women at the time when she said “No one ever died from lack of sex.”  I am not sure if that is true or not, but if they did, I might paraphrase Long John Silver’s quote in the title “Thems the lucky ones”

Because although few have ever died, the ones who don’t die inevitably suffer.  And the suffering goes far, far beyond a simple case of blue balls.  I’m all over that, meaning I am well past the stage of having an itch that needs to be constantly scratched.  There is such a thing as “Too Much.”

But there is also such a thing as too little.  How much is too little?  That is an individual thing would be my guess and changes throughout life.  I remember another frequent commenter and person on my blogroll for a bit who blogged about her husband always foisting himself upon her and she opined that she could not wait for him to reach the stage where sex was no longer a priority in his life.  I wonder if he ever got there and I wonder if she is as happy about it as she thought she would be?

I am not clawing at Arwyn anymore.  Not even close.  Physical affection is just not happening…ever.  I can not even remember when the last kiss was.  And she does not seem bothered by that.  And neither do I.  But the collateral damage is something that no one considers when the Low Libido (LL) person succeeds in extinguishing that drive.  And there is collateral damage.

My drop in sex drive is matched by an accompanying drop in interest in most things social.  I used to be an extrovert and the life of the party.  Not all of that is directly correlated with the lack of sex as Life started taking over, but the most precipitous drop in interest in other people does follow my lack of sex drive.  When I realized and began coming to terms that my Wife did not want me, I suppose that infected a lot of my thinking in that no one else wanted me either.

When last I was blogging hot and heavy, I had just completed the rather astounding transformation in losing 50 punds, quitting smoking and my career was on its way up.  I was as good as I ever was, or as good as I was ever going to get.  Then we entered into the marriage counseling.  The biggest thing highlighted by that experience was that I was willing to put effort into the relationship but Arwyn was not.  And not just sexual.  Anything.  Period.  For her, it is all about the kids.  I am an asterisk and a footnote, if that.

SOoo..where am I now?  Jobwise, I am getting ready to enter a new and promising phase of temp teacher work.  There is a future on this path if I can carve it out.  Time will tell if I have the will and gumption for it.  “Gumption”…there is a word you never hear anymore.  Probably because it is such a rare commodity.  And I would not use it to describe much I’ve been doing the last couple of years.  We’ve been getting by, and not much else.  I can still save and be frugal like a champ, but all the savings is long spent except for a recent series of stuff that has enabled us to stay afloat.  One of those being SNAP otherwise known as food stamps.  Never thought I would be one of THOSE…but I am.  And working to try to get out from under but it will be a protracted struggle.

Weight.  Ugh.  I am a full-blown couch potato.  Not so much TV as internet stuff.  Secondlife sorta took over Real Life.  I’ll blog more about that a little later as it does weigh in heavily on a lot of fronts.  But over the last 5 years, I have managed to gain back every last pound I pounded out.  Not exactly a boost to the SMV, is it?  But even at my lowest weight, at 185 or 190, Arwyn never showed much interest.  Yes, she would have sex occasionally but it was not because she couldn’t resist the new me.  She did make a comment that she did enjoy being able to wrap her legs around me once.  And as far as I remember that was the only time she ever did.

Smoking.  Well, as long as I am suffering, I might as well self-medicate right?  I was good for about 2 years with maybe 2 packs of relapse until February when I bought a pack…and then another in April…one in May…2 so far in June.  You get the picture.  However, prior to that I was going through boxed wine almost as fast as packs of cigarettes!  Yeah, I loved me some wine.  It was not exactly a social thing although I was on SL most all the time while drinking…and since others were drinking while THEY were on…I guess it was kinda social! Haha!  But it was privately social.  Socially private.  It was me and my computer late at night while everyone one else was sleeping.  Me and my posse of other avatars.  Prolly helped lead into the weight gain, though I never thought of wine as a high calorie item.  It’s fermented fruit, how can it be bad?  Fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  But I haven’t bought a box in a couple of months, so I’m sorta done with that for the moment.

Ahh…the catharsis of just getting all out there!   Not sure what to do about it all at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll get some advice.  The blog world lives for that sort of thing.

SO…this is me.  Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is my start….again.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  We’ll see if I make it out of the parking lot.

Addictive


July 20, 2009

Thank you all for the well-wishes, and a special shout out to those who came back from the past for either nostalgia or simply google-stalking me.  It’s all good….I think.  I’d like to address each and every one of you, but it is that time of the month when I need to update you on my train wreck relationship/life.

FTN wrote something about vacation sex, and while I had more sex on my vacation it was with myself since Arwyn did not go with me to visit my folks in Iowa.  She statyed behind with one of the kids while I took thwe other.  and much fun was had by all.

I will say that the post-vacation sex was pretty awesome, even while being unexpected.  Usually when I’ve been gone in the past for any period of time, she isn’t in any hurry to reconnect sexually.  And while I’m not sure she was that anxious this time, I was and it turned out to be good for both of us.  At least it seemed to be as good for her as it was for me.  There was a certain passionate steam that she built up that was pretty awesome that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Maybe I should get a job as a trucker or something, if being away helps this much!

We’re slated to re-start counseling in a week, and I have no idea where we are going to go with it.  While the latest sex was hot, the overall relationship is not really moving along that much.  I’m not fighting, complaining, whining or struggling so much but that has more to do with a certain amount of acceptance and resignation on my part.  I sometimes feel bad about the sex I wish I was having and am not having, but I’m also thankful for the sex I might not otherwise be having that I am.  Yes, I could have chosen a different woman, but I didn’t and I thank God for the wife he gave me.  I’m too old to be woman-hopping.

I also need to thank God that Arwyn wasn’t as picky in her choice as she probably wishes she had been!  And she did have a number of other suitors pursuing her back in the day.

So I have mellowed out overall which probably explains the dearth of blog posts this past year.  I don’t really see why I would change unless things took a dramatically new direction.

Other issues…

My weight is totally creeping back up again.  I suppose I could go back to blogging my weight again and kill what little readership I have left!

I’m still off the smokes except for the 3 I had back in Iowa.  That was not so good.  For the most part, I don’t think about it, but when I do there is a pretty loud mental chatter that happens to try to entice me back.  Those things are SO seductive and cruel!

Speaking of which, (or not) no new things on the chastity theme.  I still like reading about it and it would be fun to do with my wife if she was game but since she’s not, the cage stays in the bathroom drawer.

Spiritual thoughts:

FTN did mention something about reading NT Wright and I ended up picking up a couple of his books.  Surprised by Hope is pretty good.  I do regularly attend Sunday school at the Methodist church but not so much the worship service.  We’re in the midst of changing pastors at the moment, but since I’ve not been so plugged in I’m not so affected as much as the rest of the congregation.  I also found and began reading True Believer by Eric Hoffer.  It’s all about mass movements and has special relevance to the way things are going today, even though this was written almost 50 years ago.  I don’t subscribe to everything he says, but it is all worth thinking about.

More to the point of the spiritual theme, God is most definitely involved in my life in many ways and on many levels.  I’m not going into great details, but sometimes things get to a point where the constellation of circumstances becomes too complex to be explained by random chance or anything short of some sort of cosmic conspiracy.  Stuff just happens.

So coming up for next month we have more counseling, Arwyn’s birthday and our wedding anniversary!  Any of these might make for more interesting blog fodder.  Stay tuned!


So What?

March 8, 2009

It has been a little while since I updated as there has not been a lot to talk about. While it has been relatively drama free it has also been relatively thrill-free, if you catch my meaning. We’ve been doing the counseling bit about every other week and the “accountability” factor of that has faded away. Arwyn went on a 4 week “Daniel Fast” and I guess sex was on the list of forbidden things. And now we’re into lent, so I’m pretty sure she’s going off sex for that, too.

There was one interlude/incident in there. It was around Valentine’s Day, of all times. V-Day itself wasn’t much to talk about. I did get Arwyn a card and a new computer moniter, which she should have gotten around Christmas but someone from UPS stole it. She did nothing for the day…not even a card. But I wasn’t expecting much at all and so the day passed in typical fashion for us, which s to say not much romance in the air. But early the next morning, I woke up to her rummaging around…locking the door and basically getting naked. Then she climbed into bed and actually got under the covers with me and snuggled right up on me wrapping her arms and legs around me.. It was a really nice way to wake up! I can not remember the last time she woke me up that way, but I was sure to express my appreciation and again during the next counseling session.

Our counseling sessions typically begin with him asking us to name anything the that we noticed that one spouse did to strengthen the relationship. So Arwyn typically names something that I did and I name something she did. Sometimes I have a really, really hard time coming up with anything even when we haven’t met for 2 weeks. I know he is going to ask this question so I am constantly looking for stuff. And I find I am having to dig really really deep to come up with anything. Last session, I was reduced to praising her for doing all the laundry. It was the only thing I could find! If she had made even one meal for me, I would have had something better. It sounded lame, no matter how good of a spin I tried to put on it. “Well, it just helps me to have the week started off right by having all of my clothes clean and not having to worry about it.” It was hard even sounding half way enthusiastic. That’s not necessarily all about it being her fault for not doing anything as it is me not seeing and appreciating it so much. After we exchanged ideas of how the other one strengthened our relationship, we moved on to how we might have done something harmful or when we screwed up. This was a lot easier for me and seemed more difficult for Arwyn.

Arwyn did buy the DVD of Fireproof over a month ago. She watched it as soon as she bought it and then I watched it later. I believe the movie might have been panned by some other neighborhood critics and there is some justification for that, especially if you are looking for a Hollywood movie. However, this thing was shot and made in Albany, Georgia with a cast of total amateurs. Kirk Cameron was the sole Hollywood actor, and I’m probably not the only one who thought the rest of the cast probably out-acted him. His leading lady, who also doubled as a make-up artist, did a fine job as well as the rest of his co-stars. But one spin-off from the movie is the book The Love Dare which Arwyn also bought at the same time as she bought the movie. This did get a mention (by me) in a counseling session as a positive move, but that was it. She either hasn’t read the book or read it and hasn’t decided to do anything in it. I haven’t read it, but then I’m also not the one who spent money on it. I suppose I could read it and do all the stuff in there, which is what I’m sure Arwyn would very much like. I’ve ran into a lot of people (mostly women) who have bought the book hoping that their spouses would read it! IMHO, that totally defeats the purpose and the spirit of the exercise. If you don’t want to do it, fine. But don’t waste money buying a program for someone else that you aren’t willing to do. And this is pretty consistent with Arwyn’s M.O., where she knows what she wants ME to do while not necessarily investing a lot in our relationship or at least as far as I can see.

Sounds pretty negative, doesn’t it? Thing is, the counseling has taken us to a certain point and now we’re just sort of hanging out there and not moving forward. We’re pretty close to not doing it any more as we’re stalled and childcare is about to be an issue again.

What else?

I’m still smoke free and haven’t thought about it much for a few months. But I could pick one up today and totally enjoy it.

The weight is a big battle, still. I’m at 207, give or take a pound so those skinny pants I bought last year are pretty snug. I’m not sure how I’m going to get back on track with that.

Money-wise, we are in great shape or in the best shape we’ve ever been in. Job is decent, the kids seem healthy so things are okay. I’m not complaining, which is probably why I’m not posting so much!


Just some New Year’s Thoughts…

January 1, 2009

I saw a question on the christian Nympos blog that really perked my ears up where a guy asked how he can tell whether or not his future wife will be a Christian nympho:

Since I’m not supposed to have premarital sex, how can I tell if a woman will be responsive on a regular basis after marriage?

How does one find out if a girl is sexually healthy, active and willing to experiment with out sleeping with her?

Of course I did comment and you can read the edited version of it on their website. It was edited, because I included a link to my own site weighing in on the topic with considerably more detail.

I feel kind of bad about that link being stripped out, but I also sort of know why they did it, since many of those things can not be known until after one actually has sex, and having sex outside of marriage is wrong. But with just a bit more investigation, it is apparent that while their site may be a great help to many, they really are not too interested in being an open community. No trackbacks or even links to commentors own blogs. And that makes me feel a bit bad for the guys who are asking questions over there, because those women are mostly there to help and support other women. Oh well. Keeping folks like that on the RSS is just an act of frustration. Good resource but women like my wife have absolutely no interest in a site like that.

I’m rereading the Schnarch book, as the insights gained there were so key to the progress Arwyn and I made last year. It enabled me to not be so defensive and handle the rejection better which eventually began to help her move in a more positive direction. While the therapy sort of jumpstarted things and brought some accountability to bear, we have not managed to get to any real depth in almost a year.

This past year, I did manage to meet some important goals:
1. We did break the 2 year sex drought and intimacy went forward before it slid back.
2. I got my weight down to a low of 187 before gaining back to 207 Still working on it.
3. The weight gain was largely caused by quitting smoking. Smoke free since July.
4. Other than the house, we are Debt Free!
5. I’m playing solidly in the standard level in Stepmania
6. Still on Supaeasy on FoF (which will work with any PC compatible guitar controller)

So, much progress has been made over the last 12 months, it will still take a lot of work to maintain these things. I could light a cigarette today and still enjoy it. And the weight creep and debt creep are constant threats. But the intimacy battle is the big one.
2009? Who knows? I like the idea of continuing to reinvent myself in new ways and become a better me. None of these things would have happened without God providing the means, the strength and the grace to follow through. Only God knows the plans He has for me and it is going to be an adventure no matter what.

Hoping the best for all of you in 2009!


At Least the Suspense is over

October 25, 2008
football

football

Each year at this time, I keep wondering where things might go and I look back to where I’ve been. And by reading a lot of you, you know what I’m talking about because a lot of you are football fans. And perhaps Charlie Brown fans.

It was an enjoyable day today, overall. But I was kind of hoping for a bit…er…more. And it is mostly my fault for expecting stuff that I may have no business expecting. I mean, it’s always been this way, and I’ve always landed on my back without kicking that football. But each year I have this hope that THIS will be the year. Afterall, there have been some remarkable breakthroughs. This time last year I was in the middle of a 2 year drought. So we are already better off and two weeks isn’t all that big of a deal mostly.

I was at 196 last year and now I’m closer to 206, and going in the wrong direction! I need to get wit the program!

I got new socks (black!) shorts that were on clearance (it’s cold here in Georgia– 46 or something like that!) and some new exercise shorts. So I’ll have to make a new video or two. And Arwyn did take us out to eat to a place I’ve gotten to like the past few months for their zalads. We put the kids to bed and then it was bed time for one of us. Blog time for the other.

It’s actually bed time for me, now, but I figured I would sort of live blog here. Going to give this here couch a work out first, though.


Fun Things to Do

October 11, 2008

Arwyn and the boys were out of town, and I had the place to myself for almost the whole week, Monday-Friday. They got back Friday afternoon and I was really glad to see them. But it was also nice to have a week where I could do whatever I wanted. And I really did have fun.

– 1 bottle of wine (That took a coule of days)
– 1 6 pack of beer (As a tribute to the first Republican VP candidate…also took 2 days)
– 1 gallon of ice cream. Butter Pecan + chocolate almond. That took less time than either of the alcoholic beverages
– 1 pound dark chocolate M&Ms
– 1/2 pound cashews
– 3 rented DVDs (American Pie Wedding, Jurassic Park 3, 300)
– Catching up on other’s blogs and commenting – while buck naked
– Getting my blog traffic back up by starting a flame war
– NOT smoking
-Rode a couple miles on the bike

Looking at this list, it’s pretty clear that I tend toward being self-destructive and excess when she and the kids are away. But I also did do some bike riding and didn’t smoke, which is good. The smoking bit was actually really, really hard which is probably why I indulged in other various vices. But Arwyn does help me be a better person and want to be a better person. By the end of the third day, I was ready for her and the boys to come home. It was a nice break, but I’m glad its over too. It was like a mini-vacation which made me appreciate what I have even more.

And you can only imagine the weight gain this week. Egad, I have some serious work to do right through the holidays to make up for this one!
D.