Something For You

August 30, 2006

I was wondering how to make the chastity thing more engaging and exciting…I think I might have something.

Something for you.

If you’ll recall, when last I locked up, I ran a poll which basically determined whether or not I could get out. This was quite fun and entertaining and I’ve been trying to think of a way to top it. To make it a bit more secure. The whole entirety of the enforced chastity experience eventually comes down to some degree of honor and trust. There are very few escape-proof options for chastity, and it has been somewhat like the seearch for the holy grail to develop something that balances security, economy and comfort. The CB3000 balances 2 of the 3, with relative comfort and relative economy but security isn’t at the top level. The real deal, the steel belts such as Neosteel are much more secure, sacrifice a bit of comfort, but cost over $1000 and still could be defeated with the proper tools.

So at some point the keyholder and locked person have to come to some understanding that the locking mechanism is more of a deterrent and reminder than an actual escape-proof cock prison (or pussy prison if the person locked up happens to be female).

The other balance in chastity is between the attention and effort required by the locked and the benefit to the keyholder. One mistake many subs make is to become attention black-holes, constantly needing more and more maintenance from the keyholder and become pests about it. We might try to become escape artists, or want more teasing or want less denial. At the same time, a totally ignored sub is going to be less than happy. It requires a sort of balance between making it enjoyable for both while not being too much of a bother for either. Yeah, yeah, I know, the sub shouldn’t demand anything but the reality is he or she really does need some attention. It’s just part of being a keyholder that entails some responsibility and part of a loving relationship where there is some mutual caring. Each partner just happens to manifest it differently.

Okay, back to you guys. The reader/participants. Timelock is running and the reason Timelock is running is to enable sufficient time for me to have forgotten whatever combination code I used to lock up the keys. I don’t need the keys to lock up, but I do need them to unlock! Anyway, version 5.04 of Timelock has a feature that allows unregistered users to generate a lockword. What is a lockword?

The lockword is like a safeword, that can instantly override all Timelock settings and cause it to stop and decrypt the combination file. The writer/inventor/owner of Timelock, Master Gharlane, has a many ingenious features related to this, including a delay (of up to several hours) between entering the lockward and actual release. But the holder of the lockword has some significant power. Not quite the power you would have if you were a registered user and were the keyholder. But still, the person with this lockword has the power of release or not.

When you generate a lockword, you basically pick a word and type it in. Then you retype it to make sure you have it right. Then, it generates this string of characters which is just an encryption of the original lockword. It is a code. Copying this code and sending it to me via email, and I have no idea what the lockword is. When I activate the Timelock, it asks for a lockword. I can enter my own word, or I can enter the encrypted code. I enter the encrypted code and activate. Now, the Timelock runs according to the settings I give it. BUT, only the person with the lockword can terminate early.

This is turning into some sort of dissertation! I’ve noticed a lot of guys in the chastity scene tend to be a bit on the geeky side. IOW, they come up with more and more elaborate and sophisticated ways to be locked up and either simulate a keyholder experience or developing more novel ways for a keyholder to be a keyholder. Some of you may see this as topping from the bottom, and it is in a way. Topping from the bottom isn’t the sacred cow for me that it is to a lot of other D/s folks. “Consensual” IS the the most sacred of sacred cows, IMHO. So it’s just a matter of coming up with terms both sides can agree to.

Okay, here’s my idea making this more sophisticated and complicated than it needs to be. But maybe more fun.

Timelock can be downloaded for free. You don’t need to register or anything to get it. It is around 650 kb … no you read that right. 650 KB, small enough to fit on a floppy disk (remember those?) so even folks like me using dial-up can get it. It could actually be installed on a jumpdrive and run from there, since it doesn’t install much of anything anywhere else. (I need to try that) and it also runs perfectly in Linux using WINE. Yeah…I’m an Ubergeek!

So once installed, you can look around at all the goodies. Nonregistered users can only run it for 24 hours. Registered users can set it up to a year! It is basically an encryption/decryption program with assorted goodies attached that you have to see to believe.

So that everyone can participate, I’ll set up a poll like I did before. Click and vote; no muss no fuss. Comments count double the votes. But I’m adding a new feature that will allow one lucky person to function as the final judge. They could listen to the audience OR not. Anyone game for a real (virtual) KH experience?

Anyone who wants can download the Timelock program. Anyone who wants can generate a lockword. Once it generates the encryption, leave a comment anonymously (I’ll enable anonymous comments for that particular post – In WordPress you can post sort of anonymously by creating a name and email) containing the encrypted lockword code. If there’s more than one, I’ll just pick one.

It’s important that you remember the actual word you type in. Then we vote. If you agree with the group, you reveal the lockword either in comments or via email. The interesting thing is, is that you may not know if yours is the one I used. Neither will I, until I try it! So if 4 people posted the encrypted code and I chose one, there’s a 25% chance that posting your lockword would result in a release! Of course, you might decide to NOT post it at all and let the full time run out no matter what the vote is. You could reveal who you are or remain anonymous. It’s all about fun and games, here.

I’ll post all of the particular instructions again in 10 days or so. That is how much time is left on the Timelock. Once it runs out, I’ll set it again for a much longer time, just to make it interesting. I’ll try for 3 weeks, which would be a personal record for me. So I might need to buckle in just to start breaking in!

I think it might be kind of fun, especially since I have a number of readers from the chastity community lurking around who were not present for the first voting/release exercise. It certainly beats the other depressing stuff I’ve been posting lately!

It gives me a bit to look forward to, which is a good thing. Hopefully some of you can look forward to it, too!


Schizo Fighting and Upcoming Attractions

August 28, 2006

I’m having a hard time coming up with any sort of coherent post or theme at the moment. That’s not to say I don’t have anything to say, because I do. Writing is something that helps me sort through things. The feedback and trackbacks many of you provide give me more food for thought and new ways at looking at things. But I need to get things out before it does you, me or anyone any good. So I’ll just let it fly…

First thing on my mind is the whole avoidance thing Arwyn and I have going. It’s pretty astounding, actually, how a big blow up just blows away. But it doesn’t really blow away, does it? Does it?

Sometimes it does, at least for me. I’m blessed with a relatively short attention span and a relatively poor memory. It is entirely possible that I can forget about some issue or incident and it is just gone from my mind. And whatever stress was associated is gone with it. I don’t think Arwyn is blessed with that same capacity and certainly not to the extent that I am. Therefore, forgiveness is far, far easier for me than for her.

Yesterday, we did have one of these major minor blow outs. It sort of started after church, when deciding if we were going out to eat or not. My oldest did a pretty decent job behaving, so it wasn’t out of the question. But I was also thinking about the war on debt, and eating out is a huge culprit as far as sapping our budget. So I pondered it and we decided to eat out. Everyone happy, right? While eating out at a favorite fact food place, Arwyn brought up the idea of going to the store and buying milk.

Again, there was this little tug-of-war going on inside of me as I really, really despise shopping on Sunday. It’s probably just me, but there it is. I’m fine if everyone else wants to do it, but I do not. I’ll shop as needed the other 6 days, but I would like ONE shop-free day of the week. Just ONE. And not even the whole day, just until sundown or early evening. I just like to wind down during the afternoon. Again, this is just me. Arwyn knows this, and knew she was pushing her luck. I didn’t flat out say ‘no’ I asked if she had a couple of prescriptions with her that she wanted to get filled. No, she did not; they were at home. Ah ha! There was my escape. I said we’d go home, and then she could go get milk and fill her prescriptions and whatever else she wanted to do. Of course the boys wanted to go with her, because they are as conditioned to running 24/7 as she is.

We go, we change clothes, she gets her prescriptions, and asks if I’m sure I don’t want to go. NO! In fact, I might even want to take a nap. so her and the boys get in the car and I prepare to relax. So I’m in the ‘reading room’ while her and the boys are supposedly pulling off. Okay, I’m taking a dump.

My oldest comes in and says “We need some money!” Thing is, I don’t have any cash. I had to use the debit card at the fast food place! But I was going to let Arwyn take a check. A blank check. But I’m still trying to finish my business. so I told my oldest I didn’t have any money and he scampered off. He comes back again, saying the same thing. Then my youngest comes in, repeating the “We need money!” mantra.

All I want to do is take a dump and have a clean flush. Is this too much to ask?

My kids simply did what she told them to do; ask for money. she’s done this before, and I get irritated with her using the kids to wheedle money out of me. She can do her own wheedling. She had been sitting in the car whilst the boys did her bidding and I went out after finishing my business asking her what was the deal. she said she was just helping teach the boys social skills and following directions.


How is teaching our boys how to be pan handlers a good social skill? I handed her a blank check and told her that using the boys was not acceptable.

She went ape shit. Or as ape shit as her avoider-self would allow in front of the kids. She shove the prescriptions back and the check and said, “YOU go get it!” and promptly took off in her car with both boys in the back.

“DRIVE CAREFUL!” I yelled back. I have no idea where she went. I did end up going much much later in the afternoon and getting the precious milk.

Okay, that’s the tift. But that’s not the story. Sure, couples fight about stupid shit all the time, right?

I went out later and came back later, and they were home and the boys were getting ready for bed. I did some stuff in the yard and came in. she watched TV in the other room and I watched a movie. And that was it. No confrontation, no fight, no resolution, no nothing. >poof< Gone. Never happened. The movie, btw, was A Beautiful Mind starring Russell Crowe. It’s a movie that makes the viewer doubt their own grip on reality along with the main character. Did it really happen or didn’t it? That’s sort of how this whole non-argument played out. Yeah, I was pissed. But I got over it. Apparently, she did, too. So if two people fight and there is no retribution, no consequences and no forgiveness, did the fight really happen?

Hmm. More coherent than I thought this post would be. So far. But I’m not quite finished thinking and writing.

Altairboy recently published some more stories, so I’ve been reading a few of them. I still feel the pull towards chastity (my version) and subspace. But not with Arwyn. I mean it would be great if she did choose to participate, but she doesn’t even want to participate in a decent fight! At least this sort of chastity puts an end to my involuntary celibacy by making it voluntary. I’ve already been playing around with the Timelock and it is even running with the combination encrypted as we speak. I just haven’t locked up, yet. But I can feel the draw and the pull. It’s going to happen, at some point. There will be some caging going on. It’s just a matter of time and getting in the mood.

So stay tuned for as development on that particular storyline. Some of you have been waiting a very long time for this! Just a bit longer…be patient. One of you readers having your own copy of the Timelock would certainly be a major plus in moving things along. Perhaps we could do another group voting thing.  any ideas?


O Brother Where Art Thou? and

August 21, 2006

A Beautiful Mind


These are two movies I checked out of my local library. Last week I had checked out a couple of other well-known videos. With the popularity of DVDs, many good videos have been donated to the library and I am checking them out.

No, I have not seen either of these movies, both nominated for Academy Awards. Do you know why? Perhaps you can guess.

It’s not because I don’t enjoy movies. In fact, I do enjoy movies tremendously. No, it’s because Arwyn doesn’t enjoy movies. She simply does not think they are worth the money or the time. We went to maybe 2 movies when we were dating. The rest of our dates consisted of eating out, doing activities with our church group and/or having sex. I would gladly choose sex over movies any day. But once married, movies became a thing of the past. I might occasionally catch some on TV and have rented a few. But the library has become a good (and free!) source for me. So now after Arwyn goes to bed at 8:30, I can put on the headphones and watch a movie that I would have otherwise seen years ago. In a sense, doing something just for me, engaging in the ultimate avoidance and escape.

One other update deals with the previously published update on the War on Debt. Last night I had a dream about Arwyn charging her credit card up, maxing it out and plunging us back where we were over a year ago. So I woke up with a start, and as soon as I could I asked her what her balance was. “Too much.” she said. I started getting irritated and she got really defensive as I tried to find out what it was. She never came out and said, as she said she would know when she got the bill. But she went on and on about the health problems of the boys and tried to change the subject. And I stated simply that we should not be going further into debt. And I kept saying it. And I am going to keep saying it. We can sit down and try to figure things out together, but going further into debt is unacceptable. Even if she’s not going to work for our marriage, working for the credit card company is unacceptable. I’m sure she often feels this about me, but it’s like having another child! Learn to handle your money, people! Get a grip! Why squander it all away so casually when you work so hard for it? Get a library card and get some free entertainment.

The Economics of Sex

August 21, 2006


This is jumping off of Christian Husband who jumped off Aphron and this article.  Those of you not up to speed can catch up. 


Christian Husband gave reasons why he didn’t think the supply-demand model applied to sex and threw out a few examples and analogies based on his understanding of economics.  He alluded to it but did not directly address the fundamental aspect of economics; the principle of scarcity.


As XH said, price does not generally drive demand but is the result of the interplay of supply and demand such that an equilibrium is attained to where there are no surpluses and no shortages.  Price is merely a measure of where the supply and demand curves cross in a totally free market.


But I think the principal of scarcity does have a bearing on the economics and politics of sex.  Economics is merely the treatment of scarcity and politics having to do with the allocation of resources.  But one subject at a time…


Satan theorized that her making sex always available had the effect of lessening her partner’s sex drive because the value of it was lower.  He was willing to expend a whole lot less effort to get it.  I believe there’s some merit to this based on scarcity and opportunity cost.


The Concepts of Scarcity and Opportunity Cost


Everything is scarce.  Even something as plentiful as air can become scarce if we talk about clean air or scuba diving or interplanetary travel.  Dirt could be scarce.  Remember Waterworld?  Fact is, nothing is infinitely limitless.  The value something has is related to scarcity vs demand.  Currently on Earth, there is enough air to go around for all of us.  If we were traveling on a spaceship or in a submarine, things might be different.


Opportunity costs relate to how we choose to allocate our limited resources, mainly our time.  Time is the ultimate in scarcity.  We all have the same 24 hours with many, many options in how to spend it.  The game The Sims is built around this whole concept of allocating time towards various activities.  You can not allocate the exact same segment of time to two totally separate activities such as sleeping versus eating.  We can multitask, but even this is limited.  Eventually, we all have to sleep, eat and use the bathroom.  So a person has to choose how to spend their time.  Most people spend a portion of their time making money, which is simply the currency for acquiring scarce goods and services.  Money is symbolic of resources that can be spent but it is still derived from time spent or invested.


So why doesn’t Satan’s partner want sex when he seemed to want it all the time early on?  Why does it seem that women’s desire for sex seems (generally) inversely proportional to the commitment achieved?




Arwyn fucked the begeezus out of me the first few months of our relationship for a reason.  Why?  It wasn’t because she couldn’t get sex elsewhere or that sex was in short supply.  But there is a limited supply of men with degrees, jobs, morals in a particular age bracket who might also be gullible enough to fall for this age-old deal.  Sex was the currency she used to obtain what she wanted.  Instead of sleeping, working, doing laundry, cleaning and taking care of her cats, she chose to fuck me.  This was the opportunity cost of getting a husband who might be a good father to her children. 


The opportunity cost of getting fucked (which is generally in far shorter supply for men) is providing security.  This means investing the necessary time to get an education, working, running the rat race and generally having a fat enough wallet or potential for a fat wallet eventually and an agreeable enough personality to help take care of children. 


So there are two separate economies at work, here.  Fucking is a lot less scarce for women than men and therefore they control the supply for the most part.  Even Biting Beaver agrees with that much.  Historically, men have been able to acquire more resources to provide security.  This is not necessarily the case today, but it is still an arrangment that works for many.


Generally, in a free market, supply and demand determine a fair market value of a good or service.  It measures sufficient opportunity cost to acquire a scarce good or service.


The End of Free Market


So what happens once a commitment is made?  We no longer have a free market.  Now, due to moral constraints, the cost of divorce and all the entanglements of marriage the supply and demand are no longer equal.  Now the LL partner becomes the OPEC or DeBeers of sex.  It is in her best interest to keep supply low.  With constant demand, the price increases.  The opportunity costs for sex are now way higher than a dinner and a movie.  By increasing the opportunity costs, we are, in fact, increasing the scarcity. 


If this were a free market, the HL partner could go elsewhere thus the LL partner could not control the cost of sex.  They would have to continue to be more available.  But once the exclusive arrangement is signed and sealed, that particular incentive is GONE.  Which is why there needs to be other incentives for sex to continue.  And according to that article, about 60% of the women surveyed don’t have any other incentives.   The need for sexual currency is over.  They have, in essence, gone into sexual retirement.


For the HL women, the dynamics are similar except they probably provide sources of comfort and stability beyond financial.  A LL man will similarly have less need to put out once he feels secure in obtaining these other things. 


Scarcity is the controlling factor in economics.  The golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rule.  If gold wasn’t scarce it wouldn’t matter.  In clashing libidos, sex becomes the “gold” and the one who wants it less being the one who controls the supply.


As I have said over and over, sex on demand is not necessarily a good thing.  Hot and cold running sex would result in the same waste and abuse we see of our water supply.  I believe its scarcity does add value.  However the scarcity should not become so acute as to result in emotional poverty for the HL partner. 


We often see a lot more sex amongst dating and premarital partners than after they get married.  One factor is because of the sexual monopoly created by monogamy.  We often hear the excuses of real life and jobs and careers and other obligations taking up the time previously allocated for sex.  But this is a red herring, because maintaining two seperate households could hardly be easier and less expensive than maintaining one.  No, the sole change is that it is no longer a free market.  The LL partner has little incentive to keep paying the opportunity cost of competing on an open market.  Sex, having little intrinsic value becomes the bargaining chip.  The HL partner is not morally (or legally) permitted to seek sex on the “open market.”


Which is where my Top 10 list kicks in, because those factors have to do with sex having intrinsic value beyond the emotional and symbolic and economic aspect.  The LL partner will still have control but her own desire for sex may keep it from becoming totally desperate.


Market Adjustments


Okay, so Satan has to expend a lot more effort to get sex.  She wants it, he doesn’t, so she has to pay the opportunity costs and she still might not get it.  What options does she have?


-Advertise: This is the Cosmo solution of lingerie and whipped cream.  This is the guy trying to create a romantic mood with candles and flowers.  Basically, we’re trying create a demand from our partner for what we have and they seldom seem to want.  I can’t think of a proper economic analogy for this except maybe if M&Ms were money and we made the candy seem so good that OPEC would provide more oil in order to get more of our M&Ms through increased sales volume.


-Find another supplier: Affairs and prostitution become the “black market” of the sexual economy.  Yeah, it’s cheating but it also means that the cost of sex is artificially too high or the supply is kept artificially too low.  Either way, black markets develop in the face of artificially trying to control supply and demand.  An underground free market evolves to correct the market. 


– Lower demand: We quit asking and demanding so much, hoping that the cost might decrease into a more affordable range.  We simply get by on less or nothing.


– Substitution: We find alternatives which also lowers demand.  Masturbation, porn, kinks, work, drugs, other activities and diversions all can be attempts at substitutions.  Unlike the above, where we simply quit asking, here we find alternatives thus perhaps we suffer a bit less.


– Coercion: If we have some other bargaining chip, we can threaten.  Better be willing and able to back it up, though.  Be prepared to follow through on those embargoes and other economic sanctions.


– Take it by force: Just a step up from coercion, it’s basically rape in the sexual economy. 


– Appeal to altruism: Think Sally Struthers and the starving children.  But when grain and food is given to these starving countries out of charity, don’t believe for a second that these goods are top quality. Welcome to the mercy fuck.  And look at how bad things had to get before the trucks would come rolling in.


– Work harder and pay a higher price: this is what usually happens, as the HL deals with the realities of this new economic reality as the old one no longer applies.  They just have a higher opportunity cost that gradually gets higher and higher.


-Economic Collapse or declaring bankruptcy: Divorce is messy and basically is tearing things to pieces before rebuilding.  Russia still doesn’t have a proper economy after the fall of communism nearly 20 years ago.   But there are opportunities there for some.  Fact is, it takes a long time to recover.


Of course, I have simplified things down a lot.  Notice “love” is not included anywhere.  Loyalty and devotion are forces beyond the scope of basic economics.  And there are those who absolutely oppose capitalism in any sense of the word.  Marriage is hardly a capitalistic institution and when it comes to sex, it does often seem like a communist system!  “Produce all you can, take only what you need.”  Or “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.”  And it works just about as well as communism did, sometimes.




Why the Passion Challenge is a Bad Idea

August 17, 2006

Not much is happening on any of the fronts that I can think of that make people check in here on a regular basis. And then again, I have no idea if I can make any assumptions about what makes people read this blog. Perhaps the international terrorists who are holding you hostage don’t even care, just as long as you continue to be painfully tortured and beg for a mercifully quick beheading.

Alright, nothing here so I’ll just talk about one of my guilty reads, which would be FTN. Last Sunday, he slapped his wife in the face with the proverbial gauntlet and threw it in the face of his readers, challenging everyone to a week of romance. The 7-Day Passion Challenge, he called it. I thought he was a bloody idiot for doing such a thing, but at the same time I was rooting for the guy. We all do some really dumb things in the name of passion, and sometimes the hair-brained scheme actually works. And if you’re going to be issuing fatwas for something, romantic passion gets my vote every time.

Okay, I’ll go ahead and talk about my own past experience with this sort of thing and why I foresaw problems with FTN’s challenge.

Cue wavy, blurry flashback effects…

Summer 2002, which would be just before the time I was playing with the cage. I remember becoming acutely and fantastically aware that my marriage was cascading towards disaster. I had previously read Relationship Rescue, done all of Dr. Phil’s exercises and attempted to get Arwyn to participate in the joint exercises. Keep in mind she is the one that actually bought the book, but never finished it or did any of the work. But she declined, saying she wanted to finish the book on her own first, before working with me. Years later, the book has still been untouched. I also ordered a bunch of books on couples praying together. She looked these over a bit and we tried praying at night before bed and that did not work for her. We tried praying together before getting out of bed, and this also did not work for her.

Amongst these interventions, we arrived at Date Night, which was essentially get-the-kids-to-bed-early-so-we-can-have-sex night. Through some miraculous negotiation, I was able to get her to agree to two nights per week when our previous frequency was once or twice a month. She agreed that Tuesdays and Saturday nights would work best for her. So it was set. I wrote “date night” in a appropriate spaces on our calender in order to make sure I didn’t forget. (Hahahahahaha! A little HL humor, there.)

The first Tuesday came ’round and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but we had to postpone. One of the kids were probably sick or something. I was frustrated at not being able to make the first date, but there would be plenty of other chances, right? So Saturday night came and we were able to get it on. Okay! We were off and running! WooHoo! Right? On the road to recovery! Rediscovering intimacy! Great times ahead!


I had no clue. I was clueless. There was no clue to be found, or if there was, I didn’t get it. The elusive clue totally escaped my mental efforts to grasp it.

That would be the last time Arwyn would ever keep a “date.” As if this alone wasn’t frustrating enough, she would forget and not even offer a rain check. It was as if what she agreed to was never agreed to. Yeah, I know “obligation sex” is often worse than no sex at all, but freely offering at least takes much of the sting out of the rejection. At least it isn’t quite so blatant and I might even have a chance of psyching myself into some sort of super denial, enabling me to believe whatever fiction it is that allows my self-esteem to remain upright.

So I did the adult and mature thing. On the calender, underneath the words “date night”, I drew a frowny face underneath all the days that I was stood up, and a happy face underneath the one and only date she ever kept. She promptly scribbled out all the “date nights” I had written for the rest of the month. We had tried this for 5 weeks before it melted down totally, meaning that there were 10 “dates.” She kept one of those 10.

Oh well.

This was not the first failure to revive our passion and not the last, by a long shot. This was around June-July 2003, I think. Our monthly average actually dropped during this period! So I score this the worst and most disastrous attempt at gaining more intimacy and passion that I have ever tried. I was more resentful, bitter, angry and hurt than at almost any other time, which probably fueled Arwyn’s avoidance of me and our dates. I can’t say I can blame her, looking back. After a couple of weeks of getting stood up, I was getting beyond surly and the feelings of betrayal still hit me when I mentally and emotionally go back to that place. Quality and quantity would not recover from those levels until early 2003, when I discovered the chastity cage. With that, I would try a completely opposite direction and tact from date night.

The 7 day passion challenge looks a lot like date night but I hope it works a lot better for FTN. Judging by…”reports” it does not look exactly like a big success. At least it has the virtue of being only 7 days long!

We have talked over and over about how “pressure” adversely affects LL persons. They HATE it and actively rebel against it in any form. It’s like taking a woman, stripping her naked and them poking and marking all of her bodily flaws on national television. Having flaws is generally okay until you have people looking at them and pointing them out. We can conceal these with clothing, make-up or hair. In the same way, having a LL does not phase such people until it is high lighted. Date night and a passion challenge is shining a great big, bright, hot, spotlight with a giant arrow pointing to it: LOOK! NO SEXUALITY! SEXUAL CELLULITE HERE!

Which is why it is such a persistent problem. There’s no way to talk about it or do anything about it unless you look at it.  The challenge might provoke some great discussion but as a strategy to rekindle waning physical intimacy, it is a loser.  But that’s just my opinion and my experience.  YMMV.  In fact, I hope it does!





Why I’m Not Going to Counseling

August 11, 2006

(To also be posted on the Blogger site)

Thank you all for the comments on the 10 year anniversary celibation. Arwyn has kept clear of the bathroom in the mornings nowadays, as I think she was as embarrassed as me about the whole deal. Masturbation is not on her top 5 list of conversation topics. Not even a top 10. In fact, I don’t think it would show up on a hot 100 list. It is not something she thinks about and not something she even wants to think about. The whole ordeal with the CB3000 provides ample enough evidence of this.

For those guys like Christian Husband and FTN who have sworn off masturbation, I say more power to them. I think it could be a worthy cause to strive for, especially if they are getting sex on a weekly basis. It’s a tough thing to give up, otherwise there wouldn’t be much of a market for chastity devices would there? However, if there is a prolonged dry spell, I don’t think they should beat themselves up for their slippage, either. After all, many wives would prefer their HL partners would just wank off and not bother with them. Most would simply prefer not to know about it at all and my wife seems to fall into the class of wives who would rather not deal with sex at all and pretend it didn’t exist.

I need to get some sort of APA button or something so readers can click there whenever they have the urge to make a counseling referral. I have somewhat reversed myself on this yet, again. We do not have what I would call the happiest home but it is stable. For young kids, especially those with disabilities, stability is not to be treated casually. I am simply learning to find happiness and joy apart from Arwyn just like she has learned to find it apart from me these past years. While it isn’t a perfect relationship, it is not a bad relationship. I have actually become healthier in many ways, moving more and more away from an ethic of sorrow, self-medication and personal destruction. I’m finding out more about who I am and still determining what I am about. I’ll give you all some recognition for some of this through your comments, observations and commentary.

That is not to say that I will not get angry or become temporary melancholy at times. I will. And I will write about it here and some of you will get pissed that I’m choosing to remain here and that I’m not doing anything about it instead of hiring a shrink or a lawyer.

Arwyn will either work out her own salvation and redemption or not. The reality is that she is unwilling to work on a cooperative or joint relationship beyond the most surface of levels. However, as Emily pointed out, there are still some things going on that indicate this is not a dead relationship. We do go to some amount of trouble on birthdays and anniversaries, even if it is small. We do kiss hello and goodbye sometimes. If I hug her, she will return it sometimes. She just won’t initiate, or initiations are just extraordinarily rare. We can safely say there’s a lot of room for improvement. I’m getting past a point where I feel like unilaterally going to therapy. I don’t need drugs (else I’d stick with booze and nicotine!) and I have moments of clarity.

And quite frankly, I follow a few of you who see a shrink, especially those who are the loudest advocates, (and you can guess who you are) and I’m not terribly impressed with the overall results.  Hang-ups, insercurities and assorted psychopathologies continue to abound. Sorry, but I am running low on unsettling psychopathologies at the moment.  I plan on stocking up again before the holidays, though!

I’m not contemplating therapy or divorce at the moment. I’m not contemplating an affair, either. I am on a trajectory of personal improvement and I think I need to be okay with that. In health and finances, I’m making progress. Slow, but it is there and I’ve been at it long enough to be able to appreciate how I’ve come along over the past year.

Okay, so I’m having less sex. You know what? I am needing less sex! I feel less driven than at anytime since actually discovering sex. I would still like to have some, yes. I grieve the loss of it sometimes and resent not having someone who wants to share or play with me. But like the whole smoking thing, the reliance and fixation on sex is loosening just a bit. I know, sex is a healthy thing and the desire is healthy and all. But being ruled by one desire is not healthy. I am not feeling so ruled by that drive like I have for the past 3 or so decades. I’ll rub one out now and then. Sometimes now, I’ll start rubbing only to decide it isn’t going anywhere and stop. That’s a new thing to me. Even though it feels good and all, I can get up and walk away with a boner and it isn’t the end of the world. Some women might not get the significance of this, but I think all the guys will get it. Once we’re hard, that desire for orgasm can just take us over and no matter how bad the sex is we’re going to go for it. Sad, but we are really hard wired for it. It has taken a lot of time to be able to get past that. I think that’s maturity of a sort. It still doesn’t mean I can get more than 10 thrusts in before popping off, but at least I’m able to get past the need in better emotional shape.

So I am changing and evolving. I don’t think it is too far fetched to believe Arwyn is also changing in some way as she gets older. For better or for worse? I don’t know, but I vowed I’d stick around for either. At some point, my changes and hers are bound to intersect in a way that is more decisive and will indicate some specific course of action. At the present time, I choose stability over disruption. Counseling, aside from the disruption caused by the taking up of time and money could open up a can of worms to upset whatever dysfunctional homeostasis we have going at the moment. So I’m puting that off to the side for now. Not a priority right now.

I especially appreciate the prayers offered up. I think some of my insight is the fruit of such offerings. Even if it appears I am doing nothing, God is still at work all the time. He wastes nothing. For the heathens among you, time marches on and nothing ever stays exactly the same, for good or ill.  Perhaps the wind will change directions, but if even it doesn’t there are a lot worse directions I could be going



Celibating 10 Years

August 4, 2006

The night before our anniversary, Arwyn announced that there were ants in our bedroom. No surprise, because the shit you saw in the picture before multiplied and was all moved in there when we had a baby sitter over for a school meeting. So now we have ants. She put a few traps down, and then proceeded to get herr blanket rug and pillow and prepare to sleep on the couch. I had thought about playing some computer games, but decided to shut down and retire to the bedroom with my PDA and try to catch up on a few of y’alls blogs.

Before I had gotten home from work, I happened to buy my non-mushy, non-sarcastic card which was still in my truck.

After shaking out the sheets, just in case there was an ant there, I read up on a bunch of your lives and was appropriately moved and entertained by all of you. Then I fell asleep. No mention whatsoever of our anniversary was made nor has it been discussed for probably several months since it was obvious we were not in a place to make a huge investment of time or money. When I awoke, Arwyn was in the shower. I scurried out to the truck, got the card and put it under the bed and climbed back in. When she emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and ready for her day, she saw I was awake, came over, gave me a kiss and said “Happy Anniversary.” I said Happy Anniversary back, and she went about getting the boys up and getting on with her day.

I hadn’t planned on doing much more than the card, really and truly, accept put $20 in with it. So that’s what I did. Now the question was: do I give this to her before I leave, or wait until I get home from work? There was some odd and crazy thinking going on about this, as I weighed options and consequences of said options. I opted to leave the card in the bathroom where she would be sure to see it early in the day. We kissed goodbye and I left for work. Kisses goodbye and hello are not givens, nowadays. They happen fairly regularly, but not always.

After work, but before going home, I composed a letter I thought I might give to her, but I did not finish it. I may or may not post it. All the same, it put me in a frame of mind. So I went home and found she had cooked a spaghetti meal (a favorite of mine) and bought a pie as well as a card. I had to laugh at the card as it was identical in the illustrations, tone and message as the one I gave her! It wasn’t exactly the same, but probably done by the same writer/artist.

Of course, she bought the pie after I had gone to work (probably with the $20 I had put in her card) so she probably found one the same: not too mushy but not too sarcastic. After the kids were asleep, we spent some time talking while in bed. She with her head at her end, and me with mine at the other.

We spent most of our time talking about where we might want to be 10 years from now, and some going over the past 10 years. She acknowledged that she was proud of me for quitting smoking and was afraid of saying anything for fear of ruining my progress. She said I smelled better. That was nice.

She acknowledged that we were both avoiders and we agreed that this was preferred over being fighters, screamers and punchers. However, it made it difficult to discuss things. We agreed that the last 10 years were very hard years. But having experience and history together should count for something, right? We are at a point where we aren’t fighting so much, even if things are not going exactly in a direction either of us wants. This is one of the consequences of having some differing opinions and wants and needs. Neither of us gets completely satisfied. As sad as it is, it is fair in a twisted sort of way I suppose. If it were me, I would be willing to trade off between having what I want for giving her what she wants. Yes, I suppose I could leave cash on the table in the morning if that’s what she wanted. But I’d want the whole GFE to go with it.

But no. Neither of us gets exactly what we want. So we have learned to live that way…sort of.

The conversation never once approached the subject of sex. Not even close. I had a slight notion that my drought had the possibility of being broken, with it being our 10 year anniversary and all. But, it did not happen.

Last time, I mentioned my reluctance to engage in intimate verbal exchange because it left me horny and I would be left hanging. And this was, in fact, the case last night. The drought continues. Maybe I’ll give you a count of the days later. Or maybe one of you can find when my last encounter was. I have no idea.

So that was our anniversary and how we marked the 10 year point. It bore no resemblance to how I would have imagined or hoped for 10 years ago. Is there anyone else out there who imagines the 10 year wedding anniversary being a celebation of celibacy? I think every couple intending on getting married should ask this question: Do you forsee us NOT having sex on our 10th anniversary? If partners give differing answers to this question, I think there is a problem.

This is not the end of the story.

No, you all have been very good to me so I believe you are entitled to a little bit of real drama. And so it was that I made an attempt to have sex this morning. Yes, you read right. I made an attempt, which foreshadows the result…or does it?

This morning, I awoke while Arwyn was in the shower. But I did not make my play for sex then. She got dressed, and went through the room, wordlessly. I did not make my play for sex then.

My oldest gets on the bus at 6:40 and my youngest gets on at around 7:15. After the oldest was on the bus, I made my play. I was ready. It was time for some lovin’.

Oh. Wait.

You thought I was making a play to have sex with Arwyn? Ummmm. No. While our conversation last night was cordial, friendly and even light hearted at times, the chemistry was just not there. See, ladies, not every horny guy is just going to stick it anywhere just to get off. I wanted sex with someone I loved a bit more passionately, and the only person available that fit the bill just then was me.

So I turned on the shower to let the water warm up a bit and then put a towel on the floor and laid down. I suppose every guy have his own ritual in doing himself, and this is one of mine. I’m neither standing or sitting. I am laying down, with water running in the shower, and working myself and my imagination. But things were just not clicking. I knew eventually they would if I was patient, but I didn’t exactly have all day as I had to go to work. I was good and hard and stroking away, letting my mind drift. My traitorous mind was not wanting to concentrate on the project at hand, so this was taking awhile. But I was patient and gradually began sinking into the sea of pleasure that began building and swelling into into waves that were growing larger. Eventually it would crest into a big wave of joyous release. That is, if I was patient.

My bathroom masturbation ritual posture also serves another purpose, although it had never been fully tested up to this point. With me laying down in our small bathroom, my feet are mere inches from a door where the lock has never quite worked right. This makes it physically impossible for the door to be thrown wide open, as it would if I was sitting or standing in the shower. Of course, you all can now see the train wreck ahead.

I was getting in the groove, fully intending on releasing all of that tension that has been building up with all of this anniversary business, and our talk and the no sex forever. I was riding some waves although not yet cresting when the door opened with a thud against my foot. It closed quickly as I sprang to my feet, grabbing my towel. On the other side of this door was a confused Arwyn.

Where are you and what are you doing?”

I opened the door a bit, but not wide and she was peering in and all over. There was really no hiding or denying. I tried to hold the towel casually in front of me, but my penis was right there, standing straight out just wagging and waving. Even if the towel prevented a full frontal view a look to the mirror would reveal the full profile. A faint smile sort of came across Arwyn’s lips.

All I wanted was to get my toothbrush!”

I turned around, hung up my towel and got in the shower to wash off my shame. She grabbed her toothbrush and darted out.

Her and her fucking toothbrush. It has been my lot to spend the last 10 years married to the daughter of a (now retired) dentist.

Yeah, I can see a bit of the humor in this, which is why I share it for your amusement and entertainment. But amused was the furthest emotion from me this morning. The mood was absolutely and totally broken. My frustrations and tensions would not only remain for another day but increase. On one hand, jerking off around Arwyn should probably not bother me. I’ve done it many times with her laying right beside me in bed. And those times it does take longer to get off, so if she’s not lulled to sleep by the rocking (or sleeping through it) it costs her some rest, anyway. Since she is not keen to be fucking me, or me having or not having sex (by holding the key to the cage) then I don’t see where she would have cause for complaint except that she finds sex disgusting. At least this is how she acts. Or maybe she finds me disgusting. Either way, I do try to be discrete about it. To me, it really is an embarrassment that I have to do it in the first place.

Let’s make a long post longer by discussing that:

Women have the ability to go days, weeks, months and years without sex. Their drive can go deep into hibernation and emerge only when conditions are right, like the seeds of a jack pine. But men, (I’ll say most men, but it’s hard to imagine any man who doesn’t) have this biological imperative, this pressure and this urge for release. Yes, a man can have a wet dream in order to discharge all the excess pressure, but it is not at all a pleasant sensation to carry such pressure, and wait for some nocturnal genie to come knocking (or stroking) to get you off “naturally.” A married man having to rely on wet dreams in order to secure maximum prostate health is extremely embarrassing. Hence, the self-loving self-indulgence most of us engage in when the wife does not feel like putting out.

Women extend that embarrassment to even greater levels by their ability to take it or leave it most of the time. Sorry, but the sex blogging ladies are simply a very vocal minority. Most women do not feel it a huge loss. Even if they feel the loss, they can get on pretty well without it. Men do very, very poorly without sex. Men do stupid things to get sex. They engage in risky behaviors to get sex and pay tons of money for sex and risk their careers and families to get sex. Women may occasionally take a risk through an affair, but they never seem to go to the extremes that men do. Men are willing to pay a much higher price than women for sex. Women know this, and they see it as one thing: a weakness. The more desperate a man is for sex, the weaker he is. This is why women tend to favor assholes and jerks over the nice guys. An asshole who is getting laid plenty comes off more confidently and women like that. Ask any married guy; when we were desperate and single, we could hardly find a date at all! Once we into a committed relationship with regular sex, they are jumping into the boat! When I was engaged and Arwyn was fucking the bejeezus out of me, women were all over the place, flirting with me! It’s almost like the scent of a woman attracts more women or something.

Having to get off is seen as a weakness. LL women have absolutely no concept of this need and they belittle it, sneer at it and totally disrespect a man for being so weak. Such a man is desperate. All of you women reading this: raise your hands if you are attracted to desperate, needy men! See?

So it becomes a cycle of contempt and disrespect. Arwyn catches me wanking. Her disrespect and contempt for me increases, even though I have not pestered her for sex in months. Having to resort to this makes me feel even more desperate and needy, thus becoming even LESS attractive.

Am I off here? I think this is why most men, especially married men, are self-conscious about masturbation. We do not like talking a lot about it, especially to our partners. Our LL wives do not feel comfortable with it, either, because it involves sex which is already troubling for them. But it also makes them feel a lot less interested in their husbands. Fact is, they would rather not know that it is going on. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Okay that should be enough to amuse and titillate you all for awhile. I fully expect to rectify this tension business this weekend.