Taking A Step

May 11, 2013

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.
J.R.R. Tolkien


All journeys begin with a first step of one sort or another.  And tonight, we took one, Arwyn and I.  At least this is how the therapist put it; taking a significant step.

We had not met with our therapist for several weeks, not since the session right before the movie.  You DO remember “Date Night” right?

I had honestly been thinking about our little homework assignment since that time, but we have both been so busy, it would have been such a contrived thing.  But I went back and forth on it.  Arwyn is who she is, which means she is not really a sexual creature, at least with me.  I honestly could not see how I could do anything meaningful to change anything.  The 3 weeks passed and in that amount of time, Arwyn and I did have a few battles about money as we are in full-blown house reconstruction mode.  And there are ooodles and oodles of decisions to be made and all of them involve money.  My opinion of Arwyn’s handling of money is not very high at all.  In my mind, giving her a large pile of cash is like giving a teenager a bottle of whiskey and the keys to the car.

These money squabbles were discussed some and it was amazing how she claimed to have discussions that we didn’t have.  Arwyn has demonstrated before that she is willing to engage in deception, if not outright lying, but sometimes my brain CAN get addled.  But not about money.

We moved from the money and got into a discussion about our sleeping arrangements in the new house.  Here in our temp house, I have been in my room/office and she has been upstairs in the master bedroom.  This is similar to what it was before the fire.  So for quite some time, we have kept our own spaces.  Even before that, you might recall that she slept in the inverted sleeping position for years and years.  Here’s an old post from the old blog in order give you a little idea as to what those days were like.  I look at a few of the comments from back then, and see the truth I could not see then.

I stated that I really could not see Arwyn and I sharing space, much less a bed together.

At this point, I think our therapist went back to parsing out what was happening.   This was not something that was just a year or two or three in the making.  She started asking when and how long this business of seperating and the lousy/sparse sex had been going on.  Let’s see…our youngest is 11…so a good long while.  So she asked Arwyn how long she has been sexually disengaged.  Arwyn went back to about 1999.  When the therapist asked her if she could envision sharing a bed or having a real sexual relationwhip with me again, Arwyn stated she could not.

So how did I feel about that?  This happened to be the therapists question and I had to think a bit.  Honestly, I felt slightly relieved.  It was a truth I had been feeling for a very long time.  It was actually some relief to have it right out there.  And that answered the question about sleeping arrangements.  We were each keen to have our own space and this new house would enable that as we had closed off an area to make an office about the size of the master bedroom.  That would be my space.

“You do realize this is the first step to you no longer being a couple, right?”  Our therapist was making sure we understood.

I pointed out this had been a matter of fact and truth for a very long time.  At least now we were being explicit about it.  It was now an honest move, and perhaps one of the first real and genuine ones Arwyn and I have made in years and one that we both agreed on.

Many of you saw it coming a long time ago.  Some did back in 2005, but I felt like I had to give it my best.  And I really think I did.  But Arwyn had already checked out years earlier.  Whatever I did was too little or too late and nothing I did could dent that wall.  This does not mean there is no caring between us.  Or even a love of a sort.  But we are definitely not in IN love.  Not as what I would construe as husband and wife.

Our therapist seemed to resign at this point.  Neither of us were fighting or contending for this marriage.  I suppose as long as one of us was willing to try there was always some hope.  But I’m spent and have not the energy for a campaign or long siege.

I readily admit that the first few years of our marriage I fucked up.  I was pretty horrid and useless and Arwyn suffered for it.  But I did spend time trying to atone for those early sins.  And I did suffering of my own, long and mightily.  At some point, the suffering ceases to be instructive and is simply pointless.  That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to suffer.  But at least it will be in my own space.  And maybe…perhaps…it will lessen slightly.  We can finally be honest without the pretense and the charade.  I just don’t have the energy or time for that.

Ain’t nobody got time for that!





One Way to Get Things to Change

April 14, 2013

After years and years of drifting aimlessly and without any movement whatsoever, it now appears that there is something.

After losing my SL GF, I set up an avi with my blog name, hoping that perhaps someone from over here might crossover there.  But alas, for whatever reason, that ship has sailed.  The blog world isn’t what it used to be and neither is Secondlife.  Blogging was at its peak arounnd 2008 and SL at about the same time.   Facebook might be partially to blame as it has been taking over just about everything non-Google.

Anyway, I did eventually meet someone else while in this new avi and it seemed like the most awesome relationship ever.  I invited me into my little RP world and she became an elf and she quickly became MY elf.  Life was wonderful.  Except for a couple of things.  First I had an actual job requiring me to not be inworld.  And I also still have vestiges of a lofe outside of the internet with my kids.

All of this came into a glaring and frightful head about a month ago.  I was online with my elf girl and it was about midnight.  We were chatting and were actually having a bit of an argument about me continuing to be friends with my old fae GF. It was not the best chat in the word because I might have had a little wine, too.  I took a time out and stepped out on the patio for a smoke.  I hastily put the cig out in a peat pot and went back in and resumed the heated online conversation.  Of all the STUPID things.

About an hour later, I heard a ruckus in the kitchen as Arwen had gotten up.  She was sleeping in the other room and woke up.  I heard her cry out “FIRE” and I knew.

What happened next was a frantic blur.  I closed my laptop and quickly walked to the window of the patio to see it brightly lit where it should have been dark.  I open the garage door and Arwen presumably went to work getting the kids out.  I went to get the garden hose.

My thought was that I might be able to yet get this thing since it was confined to the patio.  Problem: My hoses we all on the covered patio.  I reached for the first one I saw and it melted in my hand while the inferno was blazing around me.  I did manage to get ahold of a decent spool of hose and drug it around to the side of the house where there was a spigot.  I looked up as the flames climber toward the peak of the roof on the outside toward the electrical wires.  I realized was not going to win this fight.  At all.  I left the hose and ran to the front of the house where Arwyn was crying because she could not find one of our cats.  My youngest was crying about us now bwing homeless.  And my oldest…..I did not see.

I went back into the house and found him sort of wondering in his room as the house was filling with smoke and got him out and then proceeded to grab my two laptops, phone and wallet.  By this time the fire department was there and and after fidding with the hydrant in our lawn that did not work managed to get a hose from another down the street.  I got our cars out of the garage (Getting Arwyn’s involved grabbing keys from the burning kitchen behind a fireman) and was finally able to make use of the garden hose to wash and cool the burns I received during my aborted fire fighting attempt.

I did end up being ambulanced to the local burn clinic where I spent the night.  And I was relieved when I learned that the second cat had been located and rescued.  So everyone made it out okay.  I got 2nd degree burns on my face, hands and arms but was otherwise okay.

So, needless to say, things have been a bit traumatic this past month.  The house is pretty much a total loss.  We salvaged some things, but most of it is smoke and water damaged.  The fire had gotten in the attic and went all the way through.  One silver lining was that we happen to have a super insurance plan so have been fairly well taken care of on that score.  We also have two churches that have really stepped in and helped out in lots of ways.  We have a wonderful place to live at the moment while our house is being rebuilt.  The rebuilt house is going to be far nicer and better than the house we originally bought.

And this has changed our relationship, Arwyn and I.  I’ll get to that in a separate post since this mainly provides important background information.  But one could argue that a fire was literally lit under us.  Is it good or bad?

I suppose it depends on how you look at it.

As far as my SL elf, I was all over in love with her, but when the going got tough, she got going.  A week after the fire, with my hands bandaged and barely able to type, we called it quits.  She basically got tired of me not being there for her.  Nevermind my house burned down and I was burnt!  So getting out from under that was a blessing though she played her own role in helping me to see that Arwyn and I were in a deep stalemate that was bound to break as soon as one of us met someone else.

One of the hardest things about this fire was the fact that I started it from my own carelessness.  And EVERYONE, without exception ALWAYS asks “How did the fire start?”  My stock answer is “Stupidity” and try to leave it at that.  Qutting smoking is a bear and even though I did it before, I knew it was going to be bitch to go through that again.  I discovered e-cigarettes and that has worked really well for me so far.  I’m not a super heavy smoker, but there is a huge relief in having no smoke and no ash and no butts and no smell to worry about.  I have not told Arwyn yet, but will do that before my next post just so I got something fresh to update.

We are back in couples counselling with a different counsellor.  And true enough, I think maybe things would have been different if we had her in our earlier attempt.  But then again, maybe no.





NYE Retrospective

January 1, 2013

New Year’s Eve has long been one of my most feared and disliked of all holidays.  While I like wishing people happy new year’s I’m not sure I buy into the hype.  Everywhere, people are hoping and wishing THIS will be the year.  It might be, and then again it might not.  We might have another drought and then again we might have a “normal” year.  Whatever that means.

In the annals of my adult life, I have had more sad and lonely New Year’s Eves than ones with loving and kisses.  It’s a nice tradition to end the old year with a bang and start the new one off right.  Unfortunately I did not marry someone who holds true to that line of thought.  More on that one in just a second, but the pre-Arywn days might be instructive.

I can not remember having a NYE kiss in either high school or college.  Got drunk plenty of times, but I guess I never found the right drunk girl!  It wasn’t until after I graduated and after my first real heartbreak that I seemed to have found a few of those moments.  Dec. 31st, 1989 @ 11:59 I got kissed by a girl in a bar and we dated for a few months after.

January 1st, 1991 @ 12:05 I got kissed by a drunk girl at a party who kissed several of us guys.  She had been divorced for about a month and was cutting loose.  I think she got quite a few date invitations after that, and mine was one of the lucky ones.  For the next 4 months I became a pretty regular sex toy for this lady who was about a decade older than me.  I won’t lie…she WAS good and I learned a LOT from her….the good the bad and the ugly.  By August of that year she was remarried…to someone else.

December 31st, 1992 @ 11:30 pm – Jan 1st, 1993 @ sometime after the ball dropped:  Probably my best NYE EVER!   I happened to be with a girl who WAS very sentimental about these sorts of things, and we rang out the old and rang in the new in very proper fashion.  Namely we were naked.  We had already been dating since early spring, and this would be the high point of our relationship I think.  Unfortunately we did not make to the next New Year.

Jan 1st, 1994 @ 12:01 a.m.or so.  Was at a party and actually did just kiss a girl out of the blue because she was there and I was there and it was midnight….why not?  Within the next hour I was kissing up on another girl whom I really wanted to date but in both cases…we just remained friends.

January 1st, 1995 @ 12:01 – Even though I was dating the girl who would become my wife, I was ringing in this one solo as she went back home to her family for the holidays.

December 31st, 1996 we were married and spent the holidays with family.  There MIGHT have been a kiss at one of those NYE parties but I honestly can’t remember.  That WAS a big year with being just married and all, and perhaps it says something about my sad state that I don’t even remember.  “Sad state” being defined as me being an ass.

If memory serves me right, that really was the end of the NYE celebrating as a couple.  In 1997 she was in nursing school and we might have gone to a party at some point with some friends, but again, I don’t really remember and I can’t really blame the drinking because I was doing very little of it by this time.  In 1998, my wife was very pregnant and was sound asleep when the ball dropped.  And this would be the pattern for about the next 10 years.  I would stay up and be watching TV or be on the computer and she would be asleep.

Last year, I was in SL with my SL GF and we were, in a manner of speaking, skyclad and we were ringing in the new year with some fine pose-ball induced pixel grinding.  It was a really nice way to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  The problem with these sorts of things, if you look at the history, is that ringing in the new year with someone does not guarantee you will ring it in with them the next year.  And so it was this year.  my girl was somewhere in RL, ringing it in with real sex with a real guy somewhere.

OH…and I have the house to myself as my wife, 2 kids and both cats are in Florida with her mother.

This could have been one of those “Get drunk and cry alone” NYE moments, but I was really determined to stave that off.  So I did go into SL where there was a virtual party and a virtual dance and my elf did end up having a great time with one of the other ladies there. She was not an elf or faery.  She’s a fallen angel!  Haha…I find that humorous for some reason.

No, no naked pixel grinding, but loads of just emoting and bonding and just being there in a real romantic sense and connecting.  It’s not an easy thing to explain to anyone who has not actually been there.  Except I do know that I have readers who have connected with me in a way through this blog, and I’ve connected with you.  We’ve swapped stories and comments and thoughts and emotions.  Just put that in a virtual environment where the responses and feedback are instant.  So I rang in the New year across several time zones with the little, sweet fallen angel.  Thus I did not feel lonely or deprived but it was just good company, which is what I needed most.

In SL, girls outnumber guys by about 3:1, with roughly half that number or more being guys who are playing girls.  Heck, the little fallen angel could be a guy!  But she plays her part well enough, I don’t even want to know any different.  Let me have my fantasy!  I have a better understanding of this than many because I have a couple of female characters who DO play the fantasy girls for specific guys.  Do they have any idea the person on the other side is a guy?  Nope.  And I intend to keep it that way.  And as long as the integrity of the play is kept, there should be no reason for it to be an issue.  More often than not, a guy will assume the role of a bisexual female who will even prefer the company of other females.   I’ve encountered more than one of these, who will play the part of a female but get a bit offended when the girl they are playing with turns out to be another guy thus ruining their little lesbian fantasy play.  My girls play all girls who prefer the company of guys. I might write more about that when the fancy to do so hits me.  Suffice it to say my girls are hawt!

I DO hope for the best for all of you in 2013.  2012 was a little bit rough in a lot of ways, but I am generally better off at least financially now than I was a year ago, outside of my virtual love life.  And even if my blogging becomes scarce again, know that I do often think of you with fond memories and thoughts.  Even if I might fuss a bit and go after an occasional reader/commenter you all represent a very real and concrete piece of my support.  And it’s only been the past 2 weeks or so where I realized I needed a place to go to vent my spleen about various issues and needed something outside of SL.  This space is not the most popular space but it might be the most important to me.  so thanks to you all for being a part of it!

Blue is the new White This Christmas

December 25, 2012

Wow…some of y’all are STILL reading!

Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year, everyone!

I do have stuff on my mind, but not sure how to get it out there.  Fortunately, my last post served as a nice way of getting you all up to speed on my Second Life.  That is still where the action is.  But I might as well a few things about RL as well.

Last night I went with my wife and the kids to their church for Christmas eve services.  I know I have written before about the differences between the Methodist church I attend and her choice in going to a more contemporary church.  It’s not that anyone is bad there.  In fact, they are good and loving people.  They seem to accept my oldest son, even though he says the darndest things.  Autism has a way of bringing out certain truths in certain people.  One thing they are used to is him wearing headphones to protect his ears.  And at the beginning of the service, one of the fellows there actually passed him some ear plugs, seeing he had forgotten to bring his ear protection.  And before the end of the service, I know I was probably not the only one who wished we had brought several sets.  Once they cut loose on the drum kit, my teeth were rattling inside my head!  It had been over a year since I attended a service with this church and within 25 minutes remembered exactly why.  A religious service can be heart warming and sometimes even soul-jarring.  But if the volume is the defining characteristic of the service and the lingering memory is a headache and ringing ears…these are issues in my mind.  Apparently the folks there are used to it, and they were singing and clapping along quite happily.  My oldest was more or less indifferent, quite content with his earplugs.

In our household, we bypassed the whole Santa bit from the very beginning, a fact for which I am richly grateful.  I may have pathologically poor judgement in many areas, but this was one decision that has paid dividends over the long run, even though it kinda horrified the grandparents and other relatives at first.  OH!  I love how this person went after the subject!   Basically we always open our gifts on Christmas eve after church and dinner.  And our kids were always perfectly happy with that arrangement.  Plus we had the added dividend of being able to sleep in, as the kids could wake up whenever they wanted and play with their new toys.

What a great opportunity for morning sex!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Not in this house.  Not in this lifetime.  And anyone thinking any different merely has to read the other 450+ posts on this blog.

Arwyn has basically moved out of our bedroom.  Longtime readers will remember that she always slept under separate blanket with her head at the other end of the bed for about the last 10 years.  When I got this new job, I set up a small space in the corner of the bedroom and she started sleeping on the couch as I sometimes did work late nights.  This has become the standard, now.  And I am uber cool with that.  I LOVE having my own space!  It really is like having my own apartment or dorm except I can’t bring in any real girls.  Virtual ones…that’s a different story altogether.

In the last update, My fae and I had a brief respite from SL as we were each starting new jobs.  But we still kept in contact with email anf FB accounts devoted to our SL selves.  We eventually both got back in, together, and had a good story going.  We got to a point where we relied so much on each other for support.  And she was truly incredible.  Unlike the first fae, this one was always ready fir a pixel grind.  So my needs were being met on several levels.

While we did know of eacher’s RL info, we never much communicated on that level, stivcking mostly yo our avatars and characters.  But she was a real arractive young women, making those fantasies even more real.   But alas.  Some dreams are not made for coming true in this life.  I was not going to leave my wife and kids to be with her half way across the country.  She did have a BF who was kind of a douche bag so I never really got too concerned about him.  But a couple of weeks ago, she finally fell for one of her coworkers.  This changed everything.

Last Saturday, we were supposed to meet inworld for a virtual date.  She had let me know she was spending the night with this other fellow the night before.  Whaereas the old BF never bothered me much this new one did.  The jealousy bug bit me HARD, especially Friday night.  I just knew he was wearing her out.  and he was.  Saturday night came….and went…I hadn’t heard anything from her since the Thursday morning before.  I tried everything I knew to reach her inwarold, FB, email and even texted her just asking if she was okay.  In all of our 2 years together, she had never stood me up and if she was even going to be late she would let me know.  Through power outages and hurricanes, she always found a way.

She eventually did get back to me.  Turns out she was exhausted, laid down for a nap and simply slept through what would have been our date.  she woke up at 2, but never checked her phone or turned on her machine.  Finally she woke up in the morning and checked her phone (which would not be the first place she would check for me, since we only texted when the internet went down) and finally…only then….had an “OH SHIT” moment.

This told me several things, most of which things had radically changed.  I was not her main guy anymore.  I was her number 2.  And really….who wants to be number 2?

The emotions are really mixed.  First off, I am happy FOR her, even though I was not happy WITH her.  As she got more involved with this guy, I could feel the change coming.  And I truly encouraged her to go for it.  I loved her enough that I wanted her to be happy.  Everyone deserves their shot at happiness and true love and this was hers; something she has waited her whole life for. I was just an option and an obstacle in the face of this new reality.  It kinda leaves me with an empty space, but I knew a long time ago that this would happen eventually.  It’s kinda moved fast, but she’s an adult.

We haven’t dissolved the partnership or anything and she has expressed a desire to sort of keep me as an option.  But there are two problems with this.  One is that it leaves me hanging and waiting around for something that may never happen which would be for her relationship to collapse.  What an awful thing!  This is akin to her waiting for me to divorce my wife and leave my kids.  Which isn’t likely.  So she grabbed at her chance and I do not blame her for that.  The other problem is that I KNOW how important it is to get things right from the beginning.  I screwed up that way in my own marriage and would not wish that on anyone else.

I do love this girl…alot.  When I did not hear from her for 4 days, I had a bit of an anxiety attack and was mentally trying to think of how I might get plane tickets and get to her if it came to that.  If she was in a hospital or in a coma on life support.  She feels like an asshole and feels like shit about standing me up on our date.  But this is indicative of a new reality….something not virtual.  But something real for her…a REAL chance at her own happiness.  She really is in love and feeling it, and just isn’t thinking about me so much anymore.

I REALLY am going to miss that regular, almost daily contact with someone who cares about me and can relate to what happens inworld.  I can talk about people and stories and things that happen there and she knows about them all. I already miss it.  I miss having that special someone who is thinking about me and wants to spend time thinking about me.

Nothing against y’all, but this blog is kind of a poor substitute.  However, even in just writing and explaining here it has kinda helped shed some insight on what I need to do.  I DO need to let her go for her own sake.  I’ll survive and get through it.  It’s kind of a heart ache.  A REAL heart ache.

I do miss the old blogging days and connecting with you all and having some really insightful and intense conversations.  You guys were a very real and important part of my support network and I’d like to think I was there to help support some of you.  In my own mind, that is the best way to deal with heartache and loss; to reach out to other people going through some of the same crap.  Even if we’re not always helpful at least we are not going through it alone.  I collected a blogroll of other people struggling because it DID give me some comfort in knowing I was not the only one struggling so hard and suffering.  **Hugs** to everyone!



Second Life: Rise of my Elf Self

August 4, 2012

Well just because I blogged for a few days doesn’t mean I would keep that pace forever!  But neither am I abandoning the idea of posting slightly more regularly.  Anything more than 2x a year is a winner, in my book!

So, we have some catching up to do.  Great news: I have a job!  We’ll be leaving the world of Food Stamps this month and back into the world of scratching it out on our own.  I like the job so far though the learning curve is pretty steep.  But it IS the wave of the future.  Of this I have no doubt.

Oddly enough, my biggest time waster has a slight resemblance to what I’m doing all the time now.  Whish in its own way helps solve the problem of getting too immersed as I am able to be online and get paid for it.  Just another side benefit among many.

So we DO need to talk about Secondlife or SL.  I actually did reserve space on another blog for that but will cover it here only slightly less explicitly.

There are many other vitual worlds out there and I have visited a couple of them.  World of Warcraft is among the most popular, but WoW is very combat/quest heavy.  I have nothing against that orientation, but I also have other interests.  Like sex.  I have no idea if people are pixel grinding in WoW, but they most definitely are in SL.  It’s not ALL they are doing, but it is an exceedingly popular activity in SL and since it is popular with me, it represents the perfect blend of several interests.

I have several characters in SL, and the first two were my elves.  I am a huge Tolkien fan, and so it is a natural choice.  My first elf was a female, and getting her into the BDSM scene was as easy as gravity.  She had a sugar daddy who bought her stuff from almost the first day.  He even built a dungeon just for her.  SL is free, for the most part, but to get the best stuff, you have to spend some Lindens or L$.  The exchange rate is about 250 L$ for every real life dollar.  Yes, people actually spend money for virtual space and virtual clothes and other virtual stuff.  And people that make good stuff can make real money.  In the earlier days, there were people who actually made a decent living designing and selling virtual clothes.  Or virtual skins and shapes.

My she-elf was a real beauty and she attracted just enough attention to stay in trouble with the boys.  Gender bending is not at all unusual in SL.  There is some speculation that most girls in SL are actually guys, but I’m less sure it is that big of a majority.And I’ve know a few women who had male avatars.  You just never know what is on the other side of the keyboard.  And for the most part, as long as the role is played well, I don’t want to have my fantasy disrupted.

Over the past couple of years, my she-elf has had a few boyfriends, but nothing very steady or serious outside of those first couple of months.  After the first time she had a rather youngish person fall for her and the painful breakup that ensued, I decided to not play so serious with her.  The pixels are virtual but the feelings are exceedingly real.  SL can and does make people cry in real life.  But it also creates real joy and an intimacy that is as real.

I basically play my female characters as ideals of what *I* would want a woman to be.  This might explain why they are so popular with the guys.  They are not hugely breasted, which is a tell for a guy-created avatar.  And they are not stupid or timid.  But they DO tend to be submissive in their own way.  And they DO enjoy sex once they get into it.  I put a lot into the details of their appearance, including the animation overriders that give them the more feminine-type movements.  They have been called “perfect” by more than ne guy in the throes of passion.  To know them is to want to own and possess them.

A few weeks after creating my she-elf, I created my second elf who happened to be male.  Originally, I intended him to just sort of be a second rate character who might support my she-elf once she got into the medieval/fantasy role play.   She found a place to play her proper role as an elf, with a lot less sex but more role play with a bit of combat.  She got into the healers guild and began working her way up.  So my male elf was just supposed to sort of be around and be a sort of spy for her.  When you friend people in SL, they can see when you are logged on, and sometimes if there is drama, it is easier to be anonymous.  Erm…more anonymous.

But my male elf did not remain in the background for very long.  At all.  What was a bit of a revelation, is the fact that there are a lot more women (real or played ones) in SL than men.  Guys tend to gravitate more toward WoW than the role play involved in SL.  While there is combat in SL, it is not as much or as good as that in games like WoW or Skyrim.  So my elf almost immediately attracted the attention of the fairies in the medieval realm.  And one of them set her sights on seducing my poor elf.  And she did.  Thoroughly.

In real life she was about the same age as Xavier’s oldest daughter.  Not even 20.  But in SL, at the time, I had no idea because all avatars look like they are about 23-25.  At first we were just good friends and then we got closer and closer and spent more and more time inworld together.  Then we exchanged emails.  each of my characters has their own email address and two of them even have Facebook accounts.  In fact I spent far more time in my SL FB than my RL one as I have more in common with the gamers expecially for playing FB games.

We flirted a LOT, my little fairy and I.  And we had wonderful times together.  It got to the point where the feelings were pretty real, and all that goes along with that, including some jealousy if either of us spent too much time woth other people in SL.  And it got to the point where we did finally partner, which is sort of like a marriage in SL.  Thing is, over these few months, we never did do any real virtual sex.  I mean, as a fairy she WAS near naked a lot of the time and she DID put a lot into her avatar.  But unlike my she-elf, or my guy elf, she actually resembled her avatar.  So we were technically virgins when we got partnered.  And stayed virgins for about a month until she wanted to try a different sort of role play.  she wanted to play Gor.  I had not idea what it was either, until I read up on it.  And I was actually kinda hesitant about playing, but she was determined to try playing a slave.  And if she was going to be a sex slave, hell if I was going to let anyone else do what I hadn’t been able to do up to that point!

And you might be able to see a slight trend.  My she-elf was able to get a lot more sex than my male elf, despite the odds being tilted the other way.  This did cause issues between my little fairy until she turned into a sex slave.  And so while I was a bit hesitant, I dived into it and began reading the books and discovered I rather liked them.  My sex slave read a couple fo the books and she did get into her role almost completely.  Except she was less into the sex part than I was.  Not a good thing for a sex slave.  This caused a lot of strain and conflict in the relationship which made me realize that I was suffering a repeat of my RL circumstance!

My little 20 year-old and I lasted about a year, but it was fraught with difficulties caused by her being so young and actualy having a RL.  She found a boyfriend and found other things to do (many of them really self-destructive) and she was just not on or available that much.  This is when I began a second male character devoted to Gor who got his own sex slave who was totally and absolutely devoted to her Master and his needs.  Eventually my fairy and I agreed to part ways because it wasn’t working out.  We do remain friends and communicate fairly often though the nature of our relationship is much different.  I am almost more of a father figure for her, trying to be supportive of her and her decisions through her various struggles.  And she has had quite a few in her young life.

The most intense role plays I ever had with her were actually when we were both playing opposite genders.  She had a male elf who hooked up with my she-elf, her playing the male master and me playing the female slave.  It was intense and fun in a way that is difficult to explain if you don’t understand the finer points of immersive role play (RP).  I loved playing something or someone different.  So did she.

By and by, my elf was a rather important figure in his realm.  He was now my main character and I was very much devoted to the RP story more than the pixel grinding.  Oh, I did that quite regularly but it was less and less of what I wanted to do rather than write and be a part of epic stories.  I became good friends with many people in SL.  I even got pretty good at metered combat.

It wasn’t too long after my fairy and I parted ways when I ended up getting together with one of her best friends in SL, who also happened to be a fae.  She was 15 years older in RL, and we were just a better fit, being closer in age and maturity.  And she liked sex a lot more, and so that become a totally none-issue.  And so we have been together for a little over a year, though both of us are spending less and less time in SL because we are more and more busy with real life.  In her case it is a new job and a new RL boyfriend.  I really don’t mind so much, as I do have enough characters of ither gender that I can get in and have some fun if I want.  And more often than not, I am not logging into SL at all which means more FB and more blogging and more real life.

Hehe…I’m thinking about this epic post which is probably boring as hell for none gamers but oh well!  The point is that I learned so much the last 3 years or so about relationships through my time in SL.  I got to do things I could never do in real life.  I got to be a slave, a Master, a wizard, a high preistess, an orc, a goblin and probably a lot of other things I have forgotten.  I’ve fallen in and out of love more than once.  Had my heart broken and broken someone else’s heart.  I could see the good, the bad and the ugly and had a chance to try on each of those hats.  I found it difficult to play the evil characters for any length of time.  It was fun to be a bloodthirsty orc….for a short time.  But it has been the lighter characters I enjoyed the most and who have endured the longest and best.

In playing my she-elf, I actually have used some information gleaned from my Catholic blogging buddies to play her role.  She is a high priestess of Eru Illuvatar, which was the Creator of Elven lore which Tolkien modeled after his own religious beliefs, that being Catholic.  She venerates each of the Valar in a similar fashion as many Catholics would venerate their saints, while reserving her highest devotion to her Creator.  I have it well parsed out in my head, but not easy yo explain without delving deeper into theology.  The Valar are powerful and gifted, but they are not the source of gifts or power by a long shot.  She even got to perform an elvish wedding a year or so ago, which was a real high point in her career as a cleric and a real challenge as a player.

Time spent in SL?  At its peak, when I was unemployed it had to be 8 hours a day or close to that, every day of the week.  You can see why blogging and almost everything else would suffer.  It was and is a terribly addictive place for certain kinds of people.  You can go there and be anything you want, form relationships and really and truly live a second life.  Everyone there looks perfect…if they want to.  Some people deliberately choose to look normally fat or even like something inhuman.  Some of the most successful people I know in SL are actually DJ’s who play music at socials and dances.  Yep…we have dances and parties in SL.  Lots of them.  In fact, I might go to one right now!

Am I a better man?

July 5, 2012

Reading Aphron and his views on whether marriage is worth it or not made me think of this, along with a comment from one of my former blogger hotties, So Gone.

Is marriage worth it?  That is what is on my mind at the moment along with the companion question “Would I do anything differently or do it all over again?”

Those two things are what led me to my title question.  Because in the end, our experiences inform who we are and what we become.  And in order to fully appreciate that, you have to have some perspective on where the starting point was.

Before Arwyn, I was a moderate smoker, moderate drinker, a partier and generally did whatever the hell I wanted.  Yes, I was trying to live a half way decent and moral life.  Half way at least.  I went to church which is where I met my wife.  Fine, attractive Christian girl, she was.

So what did I get out of marriage?

Marriage reminds me a lot of basic training.  At least my marriage does, especially the part where we entered the gas chamber and had to take our masks off.  Yeah, 30 years ago when *I* was in Ft.Leonardwood we didn’t train with the gals but otherwise the drill is pretty much the same.  And we could NOT wait to get out of that place.  A year later, I was with ROTC and we had to do it again.  All us prior service guys made damn sure we were at the front of the line to get it over with.  Now that it occurs to me, I can’t tell you exactly how inhaling tear gas made me a better person but it DID make me a better soldier and made us scared to death of chemical warfare.

So Gone made the comment that divorced men make good material for marriage because they learned from their prior relationships.  And if they were in a bad one, it can make them more appreciative of a good one.  So I suppose one train of thought would say that this marriage is training me to appreciate any future ones that I might have.  When we are young, new and just starting out we stumble along and make big mistakes that we spend years paying for later.  There isn’t anything that can train a body for marriage like being married.  where better to make mistakes and learn from them?  I have freely admitted to Arwyn about the mistakes I made really early in our marriage where I took her for granted.  But she has never forgotten and I would argue that she has never forgiven.

What would I do differently?  If I were talking to a pre-marriage version of myself, I might advise him how dumb he was to let an earlier good one go just because of a few issues.  But there was no frame of reference.  I didn’t know.  Like the time I decided to buy a mobile home and thought it was such a good and intelligent and rational decision.  People DID try to tell me different but I didn’t listen.  So nothing means I would have chosen any differently.

However, if I was talking to my young married self, right after being getting married, I might have smacked him a bit and told me that I did not have years and years to wise up.  I better get on with with being married or get on with getting single.  The half-way crap was not going to serve.  Because by the time I finally came around, it was too late.  Arwyn had checked out.

Before I got married I had a lot of people tell me how precious she was and how I was going to be in big trouble if I ever hurt her.  To my knowledge no one said anything of the sort to her.  No one threatens a woman and says “Don’t you dare hurt this guy or we’re coming after you!”  I guess no one expects guys to get hurt.  We aren’t supposed to hurt.  And then they wonder why we fail to feel when we’re supposed to.

I would like to say that marriage has taught me some things about giving selflessly without expecting anything in return.  When that happens freely, it can feel pretty good.  But somewhere down the line when you feel forced into it, it doesn’t feel so good anymore.  You freely gave the first few times but now its expected all the time.  I suppose that’s how Arwyn felt about sex.  It was expected of her and that set in about 2 nights after we were married.  It wasn’t freely given and became a chore.  And the shit I had to do to get it became an even bigger chore.  I must’ve looked like a pretty pathetic and desperate fool to go to such extremes for a little piece of ass.

So I would say that was one important and maybe crucial lesson that has made me a better person than I was.  I’m not ruled so much by my dick.  I’m less of a dick head.  I’ve discovered a lot of other ways to spend my time and other priorities in life.  Sex is great when you can get it, but it is not worth most of the misery most guys put themselves through for it.  If you have to work that hard for it, it might be wise to just cut the losses and find something else to do. Put Rosie and her 5 sisters to work and it will all be better for awhile, if that is what it is about.

Intimacy.  I’ve learned that it is a rare thing and perhaps, maybe, I am ill suited for it.  I’ve had it and enjoyed it immensely when I did feel it, but it has beena very long time since I would describe anything I’ve had with anyone as real intimacy.  And I do okay.  Not great but okay.  Perhaps we put too much value on intimacy.

Suddenly I’m feeling like the writer of Ecclesiastes: “It’s all a crock of bullshit!”

Maybe I haven’t learned as much as I thought!  I can say that marriage is like basic training in that it is something I am glad I did.  I love my kids and am glad I have them.  But if I was going through life again, knowing what I do now I’m not sure I would do it again.  I would avoid Arwyn whenever I saw her coming and would look for someone else, leading to new struggles and a new path that would probably lead to suffering and drama of an entirely different sort.  I could end up with Aphron’s wife!  YIKES!

Fact is, when I look at the old blogging buddies and look at their wives, I can not think of any of them I would want to be with.  Even Craig’s wife who seems marvelous, cause I would be miserable even thinking about 11 kids!

I’ll have to remember to blog about my other two marriages.  The virtual ones.  I learned almost as much from them as I did from my real one.  And I know that no matter what…it is never easy.  ever.


Them’s that dies will be the lucky ones!

June 29, 2012

I went looking for some new blogs to link to while thinking about links that are now empty and lifeless, but it proved to be more daunting of a task than I remember it being when I started out.  I started out reading a blog or two but can’t seem to remember how this little group came about that seemed to sprout up from no where.

I think I just started writing and people started to show up.  And then their blogrolls became incorporated into mine and we just started exchanging and swapping bloggity fluids.  So I guess that’s what I’ll do again….just write and see who shows up.

I’ll never forget a comment left by someone who visited me years and years ago.  I don’t remember her name because she didn’t comment very often.  But she reflected the thinking of a lot of low libido women at the time when she said “No one ever died from lack of sex.”  I am not sure if that is true or not, but if they did, I might paraphrase Long John Silver’s quote in the title “Thems the lucky ones”

Because although few have ever died, the ones who don’t die inevitably suffer.  And the suffering goes far, far beyond a simple case of blue balls.  I’m all over that, meaning I am well past the stage of having an itch that needs to be constantly scratched.  There is such a thing as “Too Much.”

But there is also such a thing as too little.  How much is too little?  That is an individual thing would be my guess and changes throughout life.  I remember another frequent commenter and person on my blogroll for a bit who blogged about her husband always foisting himself upon her and she opined that she could not wait for him to reach the stage where sex was no longer a priority in his life.  I wonder if he ever got there and I wonder if she is as happy about it as she thought she would be?

I am not clawing at Arwyn anymore.  Not even close.  Physical affection is just not happening…ever.  I can not even remember when the last kiss was.  And she does not seem bothered by that.  And neither do I.  But the collateral damage is something that no one considers when the Low Libido (LL) person succeeds in extinguishing that drive.  And there is collateral damage.

My drop in sex drive is matched by an accompanying drop in interest in most things social.  I used to be an extrovert and the life of the party.  Not all of that is directly correlated with the lack of sex as Life started taking over, but the most precipitous drop in interest in other people does follow my lack of sex drive.  When I realized and began coming to terms that my Wife did not want me, I suppose that infected a lot of my thinking in that no one else wanted me either.

When last I was blogging hot and heavy, I had just completed the rather astounding transformation in losing 50 punds, quitting smoking and my career was on its way up.  I was as good as I ever was, or as good as I was ever going to get.  Then we entered into the marriage counseling.  The biggest thing highlighted by that experience was that I was willing to put effort into the relationship but Arwyn was not.  And not just sexual.  Anything.  Period.  For her, it is all about the kids.  I am an asterisk and a footnote, if that.

SOoo..where am I now?  Jobwise, I am getting ready to enter a new and promising phase of temp teacher work.  There is a future on this path if I can carve it out.  Time will tell if I have the will and gumption for it.  “Gumption”…there is a word you never hear anymore.  Probably because it is such a rare commodity.  And I would not use it to describe much I’ve been doing the last couple of years.  We’ve been getting by, and not much else.  I can still save and be frugal like a champ, but all the savings is long spent except for a recent series of stuff that has enabled us to stay afloat.  One of those being SNAP otherwise known as food stamps.  Never thought I would be one of THOSE…but I am.  And working to try to get out from under but it will be a protracted struggle.

Weight.  Ugh.  I am a full-blown couch potato.  Not so much TV as internet stuff.  Secondlife sorta took over Real Life.  I’ll blog more about that a little later as it does weigh in heavily on a lot of fronts.  But over the last 5 years, I have managed to gain back every last pound I pounded out.  Not exactly a boost to the SMV, is it?  But even at my lowest weight, at 185 or 190, Arwyn never showed much interest.  Yes, she would have sex occasionally but it was not because she couldn’t resist the new me.  She did make a comment that she did enjoy being able to wrap her legs around me once.  And as far as I remember that was the only time she ever did.

Smoking.  Well, as long as I am suffering, I might as well self-medicate right?  I was good for about 2 years with maybe 2 packs of relapse until February when I bought a pack…and then another in April…one in May…2 so far in June.  You get the picture.  However, prior to that I was going through boxed wine almost as fast as packs of cigarettes!  Yeah, I loved me some wine.  It was not exactly a social thing although I was on SL most all the time while drinking…and since others were drinking while THEY were on…I guess it was kinda social! Haha!  But it was privately social.  Socially private.  It was me and my computer late at night while everyone one else was sleeping.  Me and my posse of other avatars.  Prolly helped lead into the weight gain, though I never thought of wine as a high calorie item.  It’s fermented fruit, how can it be bad?  Fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  But I haven’t bought a box in a couple of months, so I’m sorta done with that for the moment.

Ahh…the catharsis of just getting all out there!   Not sure what to do about it all at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll get some advice.  The blog world lives for that sort of thing.

SO…this is me.  Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is my start….again.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  We’ll see if I make it out of the parking lot.