Three More Days

February 27, 2006

02/27/2006

A body always wants what they can't have, don't they? I can't remember the last time I was locked up. I've played with the Aneros a time or two and slept in it. Or slept with it in me. I've played with myself, getting off on Sasha's short program. I have indulged myself and used my body as an amusement park. What can I say? I'm exceedingly weak.

The rape business still bothers me. Yes, I pretty much stopped and respected Arwyn's boundaries for the most part. It's pretty obvious that using her body as an amusement park is just not in the cards any time soon or maybe any time ever. Reading Beaver's account of how sex became a chore was enlightening to me. It does not matter if her interpretations of her then-husband's actions are rational or true or not. I see many errors of thinking but it doesn't matter. Fact is, I'm just not happy extracting sex from my wife via coercion. Nagging her, guilting her, trying to bribe her or just wearing her down… she don't want to do me. Not even to NOT do me i.e. holding the keys to the cage. She doesn't want that either, and said so after she got a set in one of her Christmas card clues. I really can not think of any sexual thing I can do with her that is consensual. I guess the occasional hand job. But, again, this is chore duty.

Three days to cage day. I just have to make sure I'm not going to be stuck at a security check point. Then something must be done about the keys. I am jonesing for a keyholder about as bad as for the cage. I'm sure a lot of that is related to the lack of marital intimacy around here. But it's more difficult to get into subspace without that human element pulling a few strings and moving things along.

I toyed a while back with letting a young coworker, Lioness, in on the deal and somehow letting her hold the keys. But I'm not keen on mucking up one of my best employees. I think I'm keeping my eyes open.

Okay, so not everyone understands the attraction of subspace. Or Domspace. Maybe in a week I'll have better answers as I'll be on my way into it.

D.


The Den of the Biting Beaver

February 26, 2006

I just wanted to update my last post, because here's another news story sort of similar to the one I just commented on.

But that’s not where this post is going. Not exactly. Travis Frey is accused of sexual assault and kidnapping. The contract is just sensationalistic claptrap that is being overblown. I don’t even think the contract should be used as evidence at all, since it isn’t even clear that he wrote it at all, but instead found and downloaded it from somewhere else.

In researching for more about Mr. Frey, I came across a nifty little blog entitled Den of the Biting Beaver. Go ahead and visit. Notice what the beaver happens to be gnawing on? And she complains about media violence against women… Okay, we’re all hypocrites, here. I’m just sayin’…

Take a look at her discussion of sexual consent and sexual assault. Or getting permission. Or putting out when you don’t want to (Don’t read this one, Dewdrop!).

And finally, Biting Beaver’s partner brings up the same subject I just did, only he doesn’t even ask. He just outright says he’s a rapist.

Interesting place, and I did get some new insight from reading Beaver. No, I don’t agree with most of it, but there are nuggets buried in there. Lot’s to think about.

D.


“One For the Ages?”

February 26, 2006

I still got nothing. Or I had nothing until this beauty fell into my lap. Travis Frey faces charges of kidnapping and child pornography. So he's a perverted sicko. Verification of his perverted ness is the contract that he had with his wife, which you can read in its entirety on the link.

Anyone with any kinky background will recognize this as a contract between a dominant and a submissive. His wife didn't sign it, of course. No need to, since you're looking at her copy. His rules are definitely in the 24/7 dominant lifestyle although he's obviously not so much into the SM part of the lifestyle.

What do you think of his rules and point system? I thought it was pretty ingenious if he could get her to go for it. No, I do not go along with the whole kidnapping/child porn bit. But that is not what is making the news, here. That's not why Travis Frey is becoming infamous. There are lots of people with child porn who do not make national headlines. Kidnapping does make headlines, but this is not what is nailing Frey. He is being called a pervert because of the 4 page contract he wrote, which is described by Smoking Gun as "repulsive". The kidnapping/child porn is enough to make him a criminal. But he is a sicko-perv because of that damning paper, outlining what he expects from a submissive wife.

Arwyn has a copy of a similar contract somewhere. Not quite that detailed, but it outlines why I would be locked up, my terms for release, certain rewards and certain punishments. It's long since expired, but she has it somewhere.

My readers run in a bit of a pervy vain, anyway, and you know that I'm into kinky stuff. But the vanilla world is sorely uptight about this sort of thing. I've educated and desensitized most of you about some of this stuff and you were already pretty open minded. But mainstream people ain't like that. At all. To them, Frey's lifestyle preference is twisted, sick and deranged. Not because of his crimes as much as what he wrote on that paper. I've talked about my preferences:

-Being clean shaven

-Sleeping naked with lots of spooning/holding/touching

-Wearing lingerie and sexy clothes

-Performing various sexual acts on demand but preferably voluntarily and eagerly

-No whining or complaining

-Buying/using sex toys

The guy happened to write down and codify what he wanted and expected. He said nothing of house work, chores, money or any other areas of their life. He clearly did not want his wife to make the slide into prudery that so many do.

The world ain't ready for mainstream kink or kink in the mainstream. Can you imagine what people would be saying about this guy if he had made his wife wear a chastity belt? Egad! I am SO not feeling ready for prime time, right now. Yeah the guy is a crook, and thanks to his fuckheadery, all kinksters can expect to be further marginalized. People hearing about D/s will associate that with kidnapping and child porn. As if they didn't have enough problems with us, so-called "Twisteds."

At least it gave me something to write and think about.

Otherwise it has been an okay weekend. I hope everyone is having a groovy time!

D.


My Amusement Park Ride

February 22, 2006

02/22/2006

Wednesday

Okay, I think I'll drop the whole "rapist" line of thinking for now. I started that last post with nothing to write, so I thought I would dig deep and see what came out. And that's what you all got stuck with. And I, in turn, got stuck with massive and overwhelming calls for therapy. Fair enough.

I will share one reason why I'm resistant to the therapy idea and that relates to my kinky side. I'm jonesing for some cage time, but that's not possible for the next couple of weeks as I'm on call for jury duty. Revealing this to a therapist ranks only slightly behind being outted by courthouse security in embarrassment. It's my secret and I'd like to keep it that way for a bit. Other than all you invisible internet friends, of course! I suppose I could circumvent the subject with a therapist but that sort of defeats the purpose of paying someone to examine my head. It's like getting a prostate exam without taking off your pants, you know?

So last night, I used my body like an amusement park. Arwyn was fiddling with the computer long into the night, which is odd since she has been an American Idol junkie forever. In my mind, I had hatched a bit of a plan. Namely, I was going to see if I could get her to stroke me while watching her favorite show and tell her to go slow enough that I wouldn't come until the last act. Maybe an hour of stroking was asking a lot, but being on the edge for a long time has a lot of appeal for me. The best handjobs she's ever given me have actually been when she's gotten me close and to the edge and then fallen asleep! I would then calm down while she is still holding me, but being still. Then I'd put a hand on her breast or down her shorts and she would wake up and resume until I either finished or she fell asleep again. It matches tease and denial in form if not intent.

So last night, while she was on the computer, I inserted the Aneros and lubed up a bit and went to work. Like a roller coaster…uuuuup…dooowwwn…uuup…went my arousal and hardness. Only I opted for women's figure skating instead of American Idol. I was able to keep this up (and down) intermittently throughout all the short programs and then finally cut loose during Sasha's performance. The girl is quite flexible, isn't she?;-)

This morning, Arwyn and I were watching the news when they announced the results of the competition.

"Shoot! We missed it!" She exclaimed her disappointment. I didn't say anything. Women's figure skating is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, guys somehow get the idea that they are not supposed to like it. Granted, I don't believe it is a sport in the true sense of the word, due to the subjective nature of judge's scoring. But you have these small, athletic young women skating, jumping and spinning in their underwear. What's not to like?

D.


Am I a Rapist?

February 20, 2006

02/20/2006

Monday

Rodney Dangerfield:

"I know the only reason I get any sex at all is because of who I am…

A rapist."

Even after doing a bunch of reading, I don't have much to write. Usually you all can inspire me to write something.

Since the last entry, where I felt like I was raping, my wife, I have backed off. I don't want to diminish whatever experiences readers have about the subject. But reluctance would be the high point of my wife's interest in me. Unwilling tolerance was the dominant feeling I came away with.

No, we haven't talked about it. Some of you would probably want to talk to the person who was sexually abusing you. But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone. And an abuser would not want to talk about it either. It becomes a dirty little secret between the victim and the molester. Many of you have been victims of serious misuse. Arwyn says she has not, but I don't think I believe her. That tense, stiff, anxiety-ridden, defensive reaction is not natural.

I've been thinking about my new role as a sexual batterer. A sexual predator. A criminal for wanting sex with my wife. That's sort of how I feel. After all, I am touching her for the purpose of sexual gratification. Is it really consensual? It's about as consensual and voluntary for her as my stretches of celibacy are for me.

Under Georgia law, sexual battery is considered a lower form of rape. It is considered a high and serious misdemeanor punishable by a $5000 fine and up to a year in prison. It basically means the touching of anyone’s groin area, buttocks and chest area on women. If there is penetration, it is aggravated sexual battery and is a felony punishable by 10 to 20 years in prison. Basically whether or not it is considered a crime hinges on whether or not it is consensual. These laws are not gender specific, so theoretically they apply to both men and women. There is no provision in the law as far as marital status that I could see, although I'm sure it would influence court proceedings.

Interestingly, fornication and adultery are both misdemeanors in the state of Georgia. Sodomy is also a crime defined by oral or anal sex. However, the state Supreme Court has ruled that people engaging in consensual sodomy in the privacy of their own homes may not be prosecuted. This brings a bit of a smile, as I had a girlfriend years ago that I would suggest having oral sex by saying, "What do you say we go ahead and break the law tonight?"LOL! Back then, it was kind of exciting being an outlaw of a sort.

But rape lacks the luster that consensual sodomy or fornication held.

I've actually read of women who were groped by their husbands comparing it to a form of sexual assault. They complained mightily about being handled all the time. They were certainly not willing parties to these unwelcome sexual advances, were they? So how can a woman decline such advances without calling her husband a rapist? She could defer these advances to a later time when they were presumably more welcome and appropriate.

If such advances are never welcome, then it sounds to me like a form of entrapment. But there are no laws in the Georgia criminal code where not having sex is a crime. Basically, anyone who wants sex and has an unwilling partner (or no partner) is a potential criminal if they try to have sex. Even masturbation can be a crime in certain circumstances, although I've never heard of a woman being prosecuted for it.

D.


Got Drama?

February 16, 2006

This blog has gotten a bit light on the drama, lately, as I've slipped into this mode of introspective actualization. Don't be fooled. Even in the absence of drama, the potential is always there. Building, waiting and stalking.

So this morning, I just HAD to push the envelope. Arwyn put the boys on the bus while I jumped in the shower. In another life, my lover would join me in the steamy cubicle and we would soap each other up and produce our own steam. But this is not that life. I came out and she asked what shirt I was going to wear and then discussed the weather while I dried off and she lay on our bed, watching the morning news. I came out in just my underwear and proceeded to attempt to ravish her.

Egad. She complained about her back hurting, so that limited what I could do. We hugged and kissed for a bit. While hugging, she was watching the news. More hugging and kissing and me trying not to put too much weight on her. I did manage to get her sweat pants off and it felt really good to have some skin next to mine. But she was not going to let me at her breasts, and certainly not between her legs. She kept blocking my hands with hers. There was kissing and she tolerated this with a lot of grimacing.

Add that one to my list of rules: No grimacing.

The hugging and being close felt royally good…physically. Emotionally, it began to feel more like me engaging in rape. Yeah I could get off and I did. And retreated rapidly. I was going to be late for work.

We get two, 30 minute periods together per week that are child-free. No kids in the house at all. And for the most part, we might talk or chat and nothing more comes of it. But sometimes it might be nice for us to get together for adult fun. Once a week?

Hope can be such a dangerous thing. I keep thinking that once the kids are grown and gone, we can recapture the spark and the passion. But there's an hour a week where I already get a glimpse of that future. My future where I can get cheap thrills by raping my wife?

She tolerates it. But rarely, if ever, initiates. She stiffens and tenses in response to my touch. And grimaces at my kisses. Hope?

Yesterday, I alluded to Red and Andy's conversation in Shawshank Redemption. If memory serves me correctly, this takes place before Andy discovers another inmate who could prove that he was innocent. Once the warden has this witness killed, he throws Andy into a hole for weeks. Hope was apparently broken. But in fact, Andy had been working his escape plan for years in advance of that day. And in the end, he does get the last laugh.

I think it is possible to look at the reality without going into despair. And that means accepting the truth of what truly is instead of being led by a false hope of change. The hope is probably okay, as long as it is not accompanied by any expectation. Does Arwyn want to change? I see no indication of that. No books, tapes, magazine articles or other paraphernalia indicating any sort of willingness. In fact, she doesn't read the stuff she promised to read. I think this is in contrast to FTN's Autumn, who voices some desire to get into a higher sensual and intimate gear.

I accept that a person or a relationship can go through different seasons and this would be winter. But it has been an exceptionally long and cold one. I'm thinking of Narnia where the witch, Jadis, turns the world to ice and snow for a hundred years. I'd rather live in a world with the chick in the shower.

D.


10 Comments, 10 Replies

February 15, 2006

Okay, let’s see if I can answer some of my viewer mail. Or at least comment on it. Yeah, I see there are now more comments but I just grabbed the first 10…

A Confused Husband said…

Wow. That is a huge step away from the Digger that I’m used to reading. Everyone has there own ways of showing another how much they love them….


It’s true! There really is no way to box, wrap or package what really matters most, despite what is happening at retail outlets around the country. CH also went on to list a few good suggestions of how to just that. These really were good ideas. ..

Now if only I thought of that last week we wouldn’t be in such a bind right now.

Well THAT doesn’t sound good! But save those ideas for Mother’s Day and maybe it will save you some grief later.

FTN said…

As I mentioned before, it can be good to understand the limits of your marriage — what it is and what it might never be. But that doesn’t mean giving up the possibility that Arwyn could change over time. Especially if some of it is due to depression, hormonal imbalance, kids, and/or diet and exercise. All of those things can change. Open communication in a marriage can be a huge help too.

Well, looking at the above factors, depression is frequently discussed as a possibility for Arwyn, as well as the stresses of kids. True, those things could change eventually. But they might not or they could be replaced by other factors as she enters menopause.

So don’t resign yourself to a passionless marriage too quickly. It may not be exactly what you expected, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to work towards something a little better. Most relationships are either moving forward or backward, and complacency will probably only move it backwards.

The views expressed by FTN in contrast to mine remind me of a conversation Red and Andy have in the movie Shawshank Redemption on the subject of hope. FTN’s view represents that held by Andy that hope is vital when seemingly stuck in an institution. Red is of the mind that hope is a dangerous thing and can lead to trouble in a system like prison. I do see both sides, but am presently trying on Red’s view for size. Working towards change has been my tactic for the better part of the last 5 years with minimal gain. In fact, with sex as a barometer, things have steadily gotten worse. I’m having sex less often now than I was 3 years ago. So maybe my expectations are too high. Perhaps there are other areas we can improve, like the communication. But the continual battering against a brick wall as far as sex has left me with a sore head.

(Note: Artfuldodger goes even further into the Red camp in his comment!)

Sie said…

What does she usually get you on Valentines day?


Usually a card, and that’s about it. She did cook dinner last night, which was nice. I did manage to find some coconut macaroons, which she loves and gave her a card.

And about the VS lingerie….

That’s really not a present for us… it’s a present for you.


That’s only true for those who dislike wearing it. But Arwyn found nothing she liked at their store. She has said she needed some new bras, but still couldn’t find anything she liked. Maybe a bathrobe or modest pajamas or even some slippers. It’s as if she wants to avoid the whole VS image of sexiness even if it might be practical.

I thought I was marrying Thelma Lou and ended up with Aunt Bea. Only one who doesn’t cook nearly so much.

Synergy said…

It’s something that’s been said before, by someone you knew/know… “He who is content with little, possesses much.” Based on the scripture, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”

The trick is to be content, while retaining aspiration to better things. You aspire to better while still being able to enjoy the moment… sort of the “Life’s a journey not a destination.”


Very well said! I think that is a major part of what I’m trying to grapple with. Trying to find some degree of contentment and satisfaction with what I have. I can aspire to greater things in other areas of my life. But I’m afraid I will always be vulnerable in this one area. You don’t have to look very far at all to find some guy who fell to sexual temptation. Bill Clinton was the most powerful figure in the world and risked it all away. He had a very real weakness (several, but this was his most prominent one) and nearly lost his legacy because of it.

aphron said…

Contentment is what we all should be striving for. It is difficult to obtain, but it is longer lasting than fleeting happiness. Maybe Arwyn shows love differently than you want. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. As an emotionally stunted person, let me tell you that it isn’t easy to let the other person know exactly how one feels.


It is true Arwyn and I have differing views on how to express love. That whole love language business. Telling her exactly how I feel is difficult and risky, as you well know. While it might get some stuff off my chest, it would be hurtful to her. I’m not sure the defensiveness and retaliation that follows a real disclosure would be worth it.

Katie said…

We can’t have it all I suppose. Good luck deciding what to do for Valentine’s Day. My husband is out of town and even if he was in town, we’d still probably do nothing.

Katie, your husband chose wisely! I’m wondering if your insight on practical reality comes naturally or if it is acquired through necessity. But still, I find it hard to believe you’d be able to ignore the holiday with all the stuff you have to do to help the kids get ready for it. You’d really do nothing?

Summer Rose said…

I’m with most of the commenters here. Is there anything she likes to do? or at least tries to show you that she does care? I take it she is a good mom or you wouldn’t be with her.


Yes, she’s a good mom. I think one thing that at least shows she respects me is that she will ask me for advice like with her preschool kids or coworkers or our own kids. At those times, she is attentive and listens to what I have to say.

As for the should haves, what if’s and the I wishes. You can’t change her I’ve learned that the hard way they have to change for themselves. You can only pray for her or at least write her a letter and tell her how you are feeling. Sometimes that does work, just not too angry.


I suppose this works both ways. She probably has her share of wishes for changes in my behavior! I have written several letters. Again, it is very difficult to craft a sincere and honest letter that is not also hurtful.

But prayer is an option that is often underestimated.

AlwaysArousedGirl said…

Sorry, Digger. There’s a ton of sadness in that post, and I understand.

Yes, ArousedGirl, I know you understand. It’s a good thing we don’t live any closer to each other! Some of those fantasies of yours really, really hit my sweet spots! This sadness is just part of the grieving process. Heaven knows I’ve stuck with anger long enough.

JeN said…

Easy as pie. Just don’t celebrate it. A lot of people don’t. It’s a stupid Westernized tradition that makes no sense to me.

If you love someone you’re supposed to show it to them every single day. When has the notion of enforced affection become romantic?

I can relate to your practical mindedness, JeN. But I also like your romantic side, which is part of being young and in love. In a different time and place, I was the biggest duck in the romantic pond. I actually liked writing love poems and making my own cards or picking out just the right one. By the time Arwyn and I met, well into our 30’s, that sort of thing had lost much of its luster. And when I can’t walk into a store the week before, without getting run over by balloon-toting hoards, I think it has gone too far.

You are right, one should show their love every single day. Or at least several times a week. No less than once per week without a doctor’s excuse, tho. YMMV depending on the stage of the relationship and the age of the participants. Enforced affection is a loser…unless it is unaccompanied by enforced chastity which makes affection not enforced at all.

D.