Okay, let’s see if I can answer some of my viewer mail. Or at least comment on it. Yeah, I see there are now more comments but I just grabbed the first 10…
A Confused Husband said…
Wow. That is a huge step away from the Digger that I’m used to reading. Everyone has there own ways of showing another how much they love them….
It’s true! There really is no way to box, wrap or package what really matters most, despite what is happening at retail outlets around the country. CH also went on to list a few good suggestions of how to just that. These really were good ideas. ..
Now if only I thought of that last week we wouldn’t be in such a bind right now.
Well THAT doesn’t sound good! But save those ideas for Mother’s Day and maybe it will save you some grief later.
As I mentioned before, it can be good to understand the limits of your marriage — what it is and what it might never be. But that doesn’t mean giving up the possibility that Arwyn could change over time. Especially if some of it is due to depression, hormonal imbalance, kids, and/or diet and exercise. All of those things can change. Open communication in a marriage can be a huge help too.
Well, looking at the above factors, depression is frequently discussed as a possibility for Arwyn, as well as the stresses of kids. True, those things could change eventually. But they might not or they could be replaced by other factors as she enters menopause.
So don’t resign yourself to a passionless marriage too quickly. It may not be exactly what you expected, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to work towards something a little better. Most relationships are either moving forward or backward, and complacency will probably only move it backwards.
The views expressed by FTN in contrast to mine remind me of a conversation Red and Andy have in the movie Shawshank Redemption on the subject of hope. FTN’s view represents that held by Andy that hope is vital when seemingly stuck in an institution. Red is of the mind that hope is a dangerous thing and can lead to trouble in a system like prison. I do see both sides, but am presently trying on Red’s view for size. Working towards change has been my tactic for the better part of the last 5 years with minimal gain. In fact, with sex as a barometer, things have steadily gotten worse. I’m having sex less often now than I was 3 years ago. So maybe my expectations are too high. Perhaps there are other areas we can improve, like the communication. But the continual battering against a brick wall as far as sex has left me with a sore head.
(Note: Artfuldodger goes even further into the Red camp in his comment!)
What does she usually get you on Valentines day?
Usually a card, and that’s about it. She did cook dinner last night, which was nice. I did manage to find some coconut macaroons, which she loves and gave her a card.
And about the VS lingerie….
That’s really not a present for us… it’s a present for you.
That’s only true for those who dislike wearing it. But Arwyn found nothing she liked at their store. She has said she needed some new bras, but still couldn’t find anything she liked. Maybe a bathrobe or modest pajamas or even some slippers. It’s as if she wants to avoid the whole VS image of sexiness even if it might be practical.
I thought I was marrying Thelma Lou and ended up with Aunt Bea. Only one who doesn’t cook nearly so much.
It’s something that’s been said before, by someone you knew/know… “He who is content with little, possesses much.” Based on the scripture, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”
The trick is to be content, while retaining aspiration to better things. You aspire to better while still being able to enjoy the moment… sort of the “Life’s a journey not a destination.”
Very well said! I think that is a major part of what I’m trying to grapple with. Trying to find some degree of contentment and satisfaction with what I have. I can aspire to greater things in other areas of my life. But I’m afraid I will always be vulnerable in this one area. You don’t have to look very far at all to find some guy who fell to sexual temptation. Bill Clinton was the most powerful figure in the world and risked it all away. He had a very real weakness (several, but this was his most prominent one) and nearly lost his legacy because of it.
Contentment is what we all should be striving for. It is difficult to obtain, but it is longer lasting than fleeting happiness. Maybe Arwyn shows love differently than you want. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. As an emotionally stunted person, let me tell you that it isn’t easy to let the other person know exactly how one feels.
It is true Arwyn and I have differing views on how to express love. That whole love language business. Telling her exactly how I feel is difficult and risky, as you well know. While it might get some stuff off my chest, it would be hurtful to her. I’m not sure the defensiveness and retaliation that follows a real disclosure would be worth it.
We can’t have it all I suppose. Good luck deciding what to do for Valentine’s Day. My husband is out of town and even if he was in town, we’d still probably do nothing.
Katie, your husband chose wisely! I’m wondering if your insight on practical reality comes naturally or if it is acquired through necessity. But still, I find it hard to believe you’d be able to ignore the holiday with all the stuff you have to do to help the kids get ready for it. You’d really do nothing?
Summer Rose said…
I’m with most of the commenters here. Is there anything she likes to do? or at least tries to show you that she does care? I take it she is a good mom or you wouldn’t be with her.
Yes, she’s a good mom. I think one thing that at least shows she respects me is that she will ask me for advice like with her preschool kids or coworkers or our own kids. At those times, she is attentive and listens to what I have to say.
As for the should haves, what if’s and the I wishes. You can’t change her I’ve learned that the hard way they have to change for themselves. You can only pray for her or at least write her a letter and tell her how you are feeling. Sometimes that does work, just not too angry.
I suppose this works both ways. She probably has her share of wishes for changes in my behavior! I have written several letters. Again, it is very difficult to craft a sincere and honest letter that is not also hurtful.
But prayer is an option that is often underestimated.
Sorry, Digger. There’s a ton of sadness in that post, and I understand.
Yes, ArousedGirl, I know you understand. It’s a good thing we don’t live any closer to each other! Some of those fantasies of yours really, really hit my sweet spots! This sadness is just part of the grieving process. Heaven knows I’ve stuck with anger long enough.
Easy as pie. Just don’t celebrate it. A lot of people don’t. It’s a stupid Westernized tradition that makes no sense to me.
If you love someone you’re supposed to show it to them every single day. When has the notion of enforced affection become romantic?
I can relate to your practical mindedness, JeN. But I also like your romantic side, which is part of being young and in love. In a different time and place, I was the biggest duck in the romantic pond. I actually liked writing love poems and making my own cards or picking out just the right one. By the time Arwyn and I met, well into our 30’s, that sort of thing had lost much of its luster. And when I can’t walk into a store the week before, without getting run over by balloon-toting hoards, I think it has gone too far.
You are right, one should show their love every single day. Or at least several times a week. No less than once per week without a doctor’s excuse, tho. YMMV depending on the stage of the relationship and the age of the participants. Enforced affection is a loser…unless it is unaccompanied by enforced chastity which makes affection not enforced at all.