As I think about our latest counselling session I feel some combination of anxiety and hopefulness. But when I think about the latter for any length of time, I wonder: what exactly I am hoping for?
There is a part of me that SO wishes things would change and work themselves out. But the pragmatic me looks at the very long history, much of it documented over the past 400+ posts, and I can just shake my head. I must be dreaming!
I keep getting distracted by my own past posts. SO much history and things I would have otherwise forgotten.
This therapist is definitely and has a way of moving things along and keeping them on point. I like her a lot more than the last one. It was a bit awkward this session because she had an intern with her who was listening in. But one we got into it, we just kinda ignored the extra body in the corner. I need to give her a name. I’ll call her Wanda, just cause that popped into my head.
She always starts out asking how things are going and Arwyn always turns and looks at me. Sometimes I wait and see what she has to say or sometimes I will say it is okay. And things have been okay the past week. Arwyn liked that we were able to sit and have nice conversations, mostly about the new house. Lots of decisions about paint and flooring and siding and cabinetry and appliances. I don’t have a lot of preferences on such things, and certainly nothing I would construe as STRONG feelings. So we were generally able to be relaxed.
I did mention something about how sad I had felt about all the things I had tried before and how they had flopped and failed. The therapist asked me to tell her some of the things I had tried before that were not specifically sex oriented. I have no idea why, but had a feeling long before this therapy session. I actually pulled out a hand written list (because my printer died in the fire) of this post. I didn’t say all things on there, but the nonsexual stuff, like praying together, no media night, trying to hug for 2 minutes. Wanda was very impressed that I happened to have this list on me, and pointed out that I HAD been thinking about our relationship.
Arwyn was a bit flabbergasted that I actually had a list, but still took it in stride. Of course when Wanda asked her what SHE had tried, she really had nothing to offer up except the latest thing which is the movie we are going to see tonight. Arwyn expressed that she was pleasantly surprised by the fact that I accepted her invitation without any real concern or hesitation. And this also animated Wanda a great deal, with her even comparing it to to Arwyn answering the door in nothing but a coat and a smile. I laughed as it really was not like that at all for me. Yes, Arwyn was making an overture, but this was a movie she was going to go see with or without me simply because someone in her church was in it. And I also stated what I did in my last post, was that there might be elements of manipulation in it, but I’m not going to do what she did to me for so long. I’m not going to put her down when she is making an effort, even if it comes with strings. I can deal with the strings. I also stated that I was also not going to take over the initiating.
This date is going to be awkward enough but Wanda made it even more so by some of her suggestions and her homework assignment. There was some talk about what Arwyn might do if I reached out and held her hand. Wanda suggested she might respond by stroking my hand and then even moving her hand to my leg to the inside of my thigh. Wanda looked at me and asked what I would think of that and I blinked. “I would think the sea just parted or pigs were flying.” We all had a good laugh.
Now that I think of it, it’s too bad Wanda isn’t available as she definitely has a a good imagination!
Wanda helped frame my own behaviorist orientation in terms that Arwyn could understand. And basically our homework was this: initiate something and make a mental note of what the response is.
I kinda made a face at this. I am really not keen to initiate anything! And why should I? To what end? Arwyn mentioned that she would like us to be friends and possibly have the deep intimate relationship she has always wanted but her definition of intimacy looks more to me like something she would have with a girlfriend or family member. It would involve gobs and gobs of talking. And little else.
We got some busy days and weeks coming up, so it will be a couple of weeks before we meet with Wanda again. But I’ll try to keep track here of what happens…if anything.
Funny how I feel kinda awkward and pressured. Arwyn must be beside herself with anxiety. That gives me an idea as to MY initiating a conversation on the way there, maybe.