Where there is no smoke

SO nice to see some of my old bloggy friends chiming in and reading and commenting!  I have missed the old gang, such as we were.

My mind is all a-jumble about so many things.  A couple of weeks ago, my marriage was barely a blip on my radar and Arwyn was a hinderance and an obstacle.  But at the last counselling session as we were walking out the door, the counsellor kind of planted an egg: “You two really don’t fully understand how connected you both are, beyond even the kids.”

On Saturday we were moving things from our rent storage to one be bought on our property and were talking about some furniture she does not want any more.  “But you might want it or need it in the future.”  And so it was that reality has started to sink in.  And my youngest asked if I was going to sleep in my new office or with mom in the master bedroom.  So it is much on my mind.  And I think on Arwyn’s mind.

Last night she mentioned that her church was hosting childcare on Sat. Night and wondered if I would want to go to a movie.  This was unexpected.  And then she went on a bit about the move Home Run and after seeing previews, I could see why she might want to see it.  And want me to see it.  She has long talked about my computer addiction, so I’m sure there are anterior motives here.  Sort of like when she bought the video Fire Proof and then bought a copy of The Love Dare.…for me to do on her.

I am not going to buy any more relationship books.  About a month before the fire, I actually took the entire collection that I had and boxed them up to somehow get rid of.  The fire kind of took care of that chore for me.  But I’ve been there and done that.  The one exception might be Schnarch’s but as far as buying books for her to read, I’m done.

Oddly enough there is a sort of tension around the house that might be described as almost sexual if not for Arwyn being who she is.  Her and I have separate rooms, with her having the master bedroom upstairs and me having a downstairs one while oir house is being rebuilt.  And she has been hanging about more and more in mine to talk to me.  And admittedly, I’ve been more tolerant of her and her presence in my space.  Sure, I would like to hug on her and be affectionate.  But I’m done being batted away and rejected.

In any case, we DO have a date of sorts Saturday night.  Of course her entire church is going to be there because one of the pastors make some sort of cameo appearance.   So it is a sort of date, sort of her trying to manipulate or game and part her not wanting be the only one at the movie without a date.  But there might also be a part of her making some effort.

I’m not against her making an effort.  In fact I would welcome it.  I’m not going to do to her what she did to me, which is ignore or push away.  But I’m not going to take over, either.  I need to to see genuine, honest and enthusiastic effort and passion.

Arwyn and I have not kissed in prolly 2 years.  After our first counselling session she did reach out to hug me and I did hug her back, albeit a bit awkwardly having not done it for a long, long time.  But I am keen to kiss her just to test out the Finiti cigs that I have been puffing on for a couple of weeks.  It would be a sort of taste test.  A weak taste test, since Arwyn has never been one for open mouth kissing.  Her excuse was my smoking, initially, but I learned once I quit a few years ago that this was just an excuse.  But I would like to see if she and her uber-sensitive nose could detect anything.  At present, it has been pretty successful cause I can puff away in my room and would have definitely heard something if she had smelled anything.  I’m not complaining about her sensitive nose, since SHE was the one awakened by the fire, even though I was already awake.

Hehe…the Finiti slogan is kinda appropriate and is more meaningful for me:

“Where there is no smoke, there is no fire to put out”

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6 Responses to Where there is no smoke

  1. Dave says:

    Seems fair enough to let her try, and not surprising that you aren’t going to “take over”, when you’ve been there-done that so many times.

    Definition of insanity, right? Do the same things & expect different results…

    Cheering you on, re: the elect cigs- hope that works for you!

  2. How are you liking the electronic cigs? I would love for DH to quit before the babies are born, not that he’s ever smoked around me… and I’ll be honest, I can always taste when he’s smoked, even if it’s been a bit.

  3. Ginny says:

    Wishing you the best of luck with this round of counseling. However, I agree with Denielle on a prior post…..I don’t think this marriage is worth saving, it seems as though you have tried just about everything to save it up to this point. The only thing that is different now is that both you and wife have been thru a terribly traumatic event………..but, hey, you never know sometimes events can facilitate change like nothing else. I believe your wife needs you still, but not as a husband more like a parenting partner/caretaker. Do you need her?

    • diggerjones says:

      That is such a good question! I’ll have to think about that and perhaps blog it. I do know I do better with her around than without her in a lot of ways, but would I be better with someone else? I don’t know.

  4. Xavier says:

    Evidently she doesn’t get it, ya know?

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