Counseling: Round 2

As I said in the last post where my house burned down and I was rushed to the burn unit, things like that have a way of turning a life upside-down.

Fire is the sort of force where it can be deadly and destructive when it is cut loose.  It destroys things and it can really hurt!  But in the wildest of places it also gets rid of old trash and clears things out for new life.  In our house, there was a LOT of trash.  In fact if one goes back far enough, you might even see pictures of the trash heap our house had become as Arwyn hoarded and neglected things.  It was getting hard to even walk through the place.  It’s a miracle we all got out without broken bones from tripping on the clutter.

That clutter is now gone and the builders are busy rebuilding to create a better and even slightly bigger house.  There is a chance to start over.  One way or another.  Within a few days of the fire, Arwyn got what I think might be a shock that was just as big in her life as the fire that destroyed everything.

I spent the night of the fire in the burn unit at the hospital while Arwyn spent it with the boys at a neighbor’s house.  None of us got any sleep.  The next day, friends and neighbours descended upon our burnt house to help salvage and offer help.  It was kind of amazing and I wish I was less sleepy, hurt and grumpy that day.  They helped move salvageable things into storage which they paid for the first month.  The boys went to stay with friends and then our church put Arwyn and I up in a hotel.   Our first hotel together without the boys since having them and we slept in separate beds.  Of course, 10 percent of my body was burnt and I looked like a zombie.  That was according to my 11 tear-old and he was right.  My right arm was bandaged but half my head was open and bleeding or weeping while my right eye was swelled shut.  Not that there was any possibility of anything happening anyway.  Arwyn and have been done sexually since late 2009.

We got a hotel suite with the boys and the insurance company put us up there for 2 weeks.  She was out when I was finally able to get in touch with my SL elf GF and let her know what had happened.  At first she was very sympathetic but this changed within a week or so.  While my priorities were realigning,  still felt like I loved the girl and began an email with the subject heading “Thirsty Thursday” to her something to the effect of:

Thirsty for YOU!

Man..I am chomping at the bit to just get at you.  I must be feeling better cause you might be getting more than a small twitch…more like a larger twitch!

Arwyn came in the door of the hotel and I didn’t make a huge deal of switching windows, but opened the browser.  However not before she stared at the screen for a few seconds, clearly soaking in what it said.  However she didn’t say anything.  Neither did I.  From my perspective, I am not sure what she should expect.  How could she be jealous?  She has not acted like she wanted me in so long.  At least not that way.

It was later that day, we had an argument about something and she suggested that we needed counselling.  And it so happened that her church was willing to pay for 3 counselling sessions for us.  I had no objections to this.  The morning after we had our first night in the hotel room we had even discussed going our separate ways.  Counselling might help us find our way out.

This new counsellor is a woman who does not mince words and does not hesitate to lay things out very succinctly and directly.  Oddly enough, I feel like if we had her in our forst counselling go-round, things MIGHT have been different.  And so we are talking about how to let go, while at the same time she does leave the possibility open for things to be different.  She pointed out that we do have things in common besides the kids.  And we CAN live like room mates under the same roof with the kids, but she pointed out that this only works until one or the other of us meets someone else.  Then things rapidly fall apart.

We have had 2 sessions and after that last session it looked like we had decided to work to part ways.  And maybe it is time.  I have suffered for a long time.  So has she.  We have a chance to do something different and new.  To start over.

But I’ve been thinking.  Arwyn is an attractive person.  Not just as a woman but as a person.  Even though she treats ME as unattractive.  If there was a way.  If only there was a way.

The other day she was trying on some clothes someone had given her and it was a a skirt/blouse outfit.  She came into my room to show me, and she DID look attractive in that outfit.  I felt awash in sadness.  It felt really odd that she was even showing me this and asking if it looked good on her when we had been talking about living in separate houses just a day or two before.

There is still a lot of caring and love there.  But I’m not sure it is enough.  I just don’t have the energy or patience for the bullshit any more.  We did sign on for more counselling on a sort of week-by-week basis. So we shall see.

I have no idea, really.  It would be nice if this could turn around but I’ve been burned SO many times before by this woman. Can people really change that much?



3 Responses to Counseling: Round 2

  1. Xavier says:

    Ya know, it’s curious what can happen when the end is clear. Ex sis-in-law is a case in point. At one time she played games trying to gauge my interest in her, later I became an enemy, but in the end she wanted to be friends once the end with bro was clear. From awkward to contentious to acceptance. I can’t say that is what you are witnessing but certainly it’s possible.

    If it’s any comfort, bro has moved on to a great life with a new wife and ex-sis-in-law has done the same. Only, you know, with a new hubby.


  2. Dave says:

    I think I shared with you, long ago, something that a counselor told me- “By definition, when something becomes intolerable, you’ll stop tolerating”… really, what she meant I think, is that when you’re “done”, you will know it. Or Arwyn will; at some point, I guess you just decide, whether you want to find a way to continue living “as is”, or make a change.

    And whichever way, good luck- cuz it seems to me, it’s *never* easy.
    (Also, good to see blog posts from you, and take care of yourself/burns/kids/house, okay?? no more fires!)

  3. I think some people are capable of change… I do not think your wife is one of them. I also don’t think this is a marriage that is worth “saving” because there wasn’t such a great foundation there anyway. Wishing you the best.

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