Blue is the new White This Christmas

Wow…some of y’all are STILL reading!

Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year, everyone!

I do have stuff on my mind, but not sure how to get it out there.  Fortunately, my last post served as a nice way of getting you all up to speed on my Second Life.  That is still where the action is.  But I might as well a few things about RL as well.

Last night I went with my wife and the kids to their church for Christmas eve services.  I know I have written before about the differences between the Methodist church I attend and her choice in going to a more contemporary church.  It’s not that anyone is bad there.  In fact, they are good and loving people.  They seem to accept my oldest son, even though he says the darndest things.  Autism has a way of bringing out certain truths in certain people.  One thing they are used to is him wearing headphones to protect his ears.  And at the beginning of the service, one of the fellows there actually passed him some ear plugs, seeing he had forgotten to bring his ear protection.  And before the end of the service, I know I was probably not the only one who wished we had brought several sets.  Once they cut loose on the drum kit, my teeth were rattling inside my head!  It had been over a year since I attended a service with this church and within 25 minutes remembered exactly why.  A religious service can be heart warming and sometimes even soul-jarring.  But if the volume is the defining characteristic of the service and the lingering memory is a headache and ringing ears…these are issues in my mind.  Apparently the folks there are used to it, and they were singing and clapping along quite happily.  My oldest was more or less indifferent, quite content with his earplugs.

In our household, we bypassed the whole Santa bit from the very beginning, a fact for which I am richly grateful.  I may have pathologically poor judgement in many areas, but this was one decision that has paid dividends over the long run, even though it kinda horrified the grandparents and other relatives at first.  OH!  I love how this person went after the subject!   Basically we always open our gifts on Christmas eve after church and dinner.  And our kids were always perfectly happy with that arrangement.  Plus we had the added dividend of being able to sleep in, as the kids could wake up whenever they wanted and play with their new toys.

What a great opportunity for morning sex!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Not in this house.  Not in this lifetime.  And anyone thinking any different merely has to read the other 450+ posts on this blog.

Arwyn has basically moved out of our bedroom.  Longtime readers will remember that she always slept under separate blanket with her head at the other end of the bed for about the last 10 years.  When I got this new job, I set up a small space in the corner of the bedroom and she started sleeping on the couch as I sometimes did work late nights.  This has become the standard, now.  And I am uber cool with that.  I LOVE having my own space!  It really is like having my own apartment or dorm except I can’t bring in any real girls.  Virtual ones…that’s a different story altogether.

In the last update, My fae and I had a brief respite from SL as we were each starting new jobs.  But we still kept in contact with email anf FB accounts devoted to our SL selves.  We eventually both got back in, together, and had a good story going.  We got to a point where we relied so much on each other for support.  And she was truly incredible.  Unlike the first fae, this one was always ready fir a pixel grind.  So my needs were being met on several levels.

While we did know of eacher’s RL info, we never much communicated on that level, stivcking mostly yo our avatars and characters.  But she was a real arractive young women, making those fantasies even more real.   But alas.  Some dreams are not made for coming true in this life.  I was not going to leave my wife and kids to be with her half way across the country.  She did have a BF who was kind of a douche bag so I never really got too concerned about him.  But a couple of weeks ago, she finally fell for one of her coworkers.  This changed everything.

Last Saturday, we were supposed to meet inworld for a virtual date.  She had let me know she was spending the night with this other fellow the night before.  Whaereas the old BF never bothered me much this new one did.  The jealousy bug bit me HARD, especially Friday night.  I just knew he was wearing her out.  and he was.  Saturday night came….and went…I hadn’t heard anything from her since the Thursday morning before.  I tried everything I knew to reach her inwarold, FB, email and even texted her just asking if she was okay.  In all of our 2 years together, she had never stood me up and if she was even going to be late she would let me know.  Through power outages and hurricanes, she always found a way.

She eventually did get back to me.  Turns out she was exhausted, laid down for a nap and simply slept through what would have been our date.  she woke up at 2, but never checked her phone or turned on her machine.  Finally she woke up in the morning and checked her phone (which would not be the first place she would check for me, since we only texted when the internet went down) and finally…only then….had an “OH SHIT” moment.

This told me several things, most of which things had radically changed.  I was not her main guy anymore.  I was her number 2.  And really….who wants to be number 2?

The emotions are really mixed.  First off, I am happy FOR her, even though I was not happy WITH her.  As she got more involved with this guy, I could feel the change coming.  And I truly encouraged her to go for it.  I loved her enough that I wanted her to be happy.  Everyone deserves their shot at happiness and true love and this was hers; something she has waited her whole life for. I was just an option and an obstacle in the face of this new reality.  It kinda leaves me with an empty space, but I knew a long time ago that this would happen eventually.  It’s kinda moved fast, but she’s an adult.

We haven’t dissolved the partnership or anything and she has expressed a desire to sort of keep me as an option.  But there are two problems with this.  One is that it leaves me hanging and waiting around for something that may never happen which would be for her relationship to collapse.  What an awful thing!  This is akin to her waiting for me to divorce my wife and leave my kids.  Which isn’t likely.  So she grabbed at her chance and I do not blame her for that.  The other problem is that I KNOW how important it is to get things right from the beginning.  I screwed up that way in my own marriage and would not wish that on anyone else.

I do love this girl…alot.  When I did not hear from her for 4 days, I had a bit of an anxiety attack and was mentally trying to think of how I might get plane tickets and get to her if it came to that.  If she was in a hospital or in a coma on life support.  She feels like an asshole and feels like shit about standing me up on our date.  But this is indicative of a new reality….something not virtual.  But something real for her…a REAL chance at her own happiness.  She really is in love and feeling it, and just isn’t thinking about me so much anymore.

I REALLY am going to miss that regular, almost daily contact with someone who cares about me and can relate to what happens inworld.  I can talk about people and stories and things that happen there and she knows about them all. I already miss it.  I miss having that special someone who is thinking about me and wants to spend time thinking about me.

Nothing against y’all, but this blog is kind of a poor substitute.  However, even in just writing and explaining here it has kinda helped shed some insight on what I need to do.  I DO need to let her go for her own sake.  I’ll survive and get through it.  It’s kind of a heart ache.  A REAL heart ache.

I do miss the old blogging days and connecting with you all and having some really insightful and intense conversations.  You guys were a very real and important part of my support network and I’d like to think I was there to help support some of you.  In my own mind, that is the best way to deal with heartache and loss; to reach out to other people going through some of the same crap.  Even if we’re not always helpful at least we are not going through it alone.  I collected a blogroll of other people struggling because it DID give me some comfort in knowing I was not the only one struggling so hard and suffering.  **Hugs** to everyone!



7 Responses to Blue is the new White This Christmas

  1. Thanks for stopping by my place. I guess for some reason I never realized your son was Autistic. my youngest daughter was diagnosed with ASD nearly 5 years ago, not long after I left my marriage to the ex. Human relationships are complicated. even virtual ones. I’m still rooting for you all these years later, hoping you find the happiness you deserve.

    • diggerjones says:

      I *might* have sent you a link to another blog about that topic (ASD), among others at around that time. This blog, SL, FB…they are all efforts to connect on some level. Whatever suffering a body goes through, we always do better when we’re not alone.

  2. Dave says:

    Good to see ya! Merry Christmas 🙂

    Sux that your SL gal has moved on, but I think it’s great that you’re happy for her; and really, if you’re not goign to leave, and she’s not, that’s about the best thing. Of course, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt & leave you lonely, as you say, that contact is critical, that need for someone that accepts us. Hopefully, you’ll find another connection- maybe one that will be even closer, I’ll cross fingers for you.

  3. I got the link for the book, but not for the blog. I would love to read them both.

  4. Xavier says:

    Gotta keep it real. In the game I’m fooling around on ATM there’s a young lady who wants ‘more of my time’. Dangerous stuff is that, she’s getting annoyed about me talking about Queenie and our love to make sure the boundaries are set.

    Keep it real, man!

  5. diggerjones says:

    Well, not to put too fine a point to it, But I’m guessing that you and Queenie have a real relationship. Arwyn put up the plywood over the windows long ago if you’ve been following along, and finally chained the doors a few years ago. Shop is closed. I’m a leper inside of my own house. That’s about as real as I wanna get!

  6. Marlena says:

    I’ve been reading your blog off an on for a few years now. I’m so glad you are writing again! I’ve alawys looked forward to your posts. I’m sure this question has been asked many times before, but I just have to ask – I am assuming you are still married to Arwyn because of your children, but once your children “leave the nest” are you planning on divorcing her? I know this a complicated issue, and I am sorry if my question is disrespectful since that’s not my intention, but from reading your blog it seems that the two of you aren’t even friends anymore. I guess I’m just wondering – besides your children – what’s the point?

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