Them’s that dies will be the lucky ones!

I went looking for some new blogs to link to while thinking about links that are now empty and lifeless, but it proved to be more daunting of a task than I remember it being when I started out.  I started out reading a blog or two but can’t seem to remember how this little group came about that seemed to sprout up from no where.

I think I just started writing and people started to show up.  And then their blogrolls became incorporated into mine and we just started exchanging and swapping bloggity fluids.  So I guess that’s what I’ll do again….just write and see who shows up.

I’ll never forget a comment left by someone who visited me years and years ago.  I don’t remember her name because she didn’t comment very often.  But she reflected the thinking of a lot of low libido women at the time when she said “No one ever died from lack of sex.”  I am not sure if that is true or not, but if they did, I might paraphrase Long John Silver’s quote in the title “Thems the lucky ones”

Because although few have ever died, the ones who don’t die inevitably suffer.  And the suffering goes far, far beyond a simple case of blue balls.  I’m all over that, meaning I am well past the stage of having an itch that needs to be constantly scratched.  There is such a thing as “Too Much.”

But there is also such a thing as too little.  How much is too little?  That is an individual thing would be my guess and changes throughout life.  I remember another frequent commenter and person on my blogroll for a bit who blogged about her husband always foisting himself upon her and she opined that she could not wait for him to reach the stage where sex was no longer a priority in his life.  I wonder if he ever got there and I wonder if she is as happy about it as she thought she would be?

I am not clawing at Arwyn anymore.  Not even close.  Physical affection is just not happening…ever.  I can not even remember when the last kiss was.  And she does not seem bothered by that.  And neither do I.  But the collateral damage is something that no one considers when the Low Libido (LL) person succeeds in extinguishing that drive.  And there is collateral damage.

My drop in sex drive is matched by an accompanying drop in interest in most things social.  I used to be an extrovert and the life of the party.  Not all of that is directly correlated with the lack of sex as Life started taking over, but the most precipitous drop in interest in other people does follow my lack of sex drive.  When I realized and began coming to terms that my Wife did not want me, I suppose that infected a lot of my thinking in that no one else wanted me either.

When last I was blogging hot and heavy, I had just completed the rather astounding transformation in losing 50 punds, quitting smoking and my career was on its way up.  I was as good as I ever was, or as good as I was ever going to get.  Then we entered into the marriage counseling.  The biggest thing highlighted by that experience was that I was willing to put effort into the relationship but Arwyn was not.  And not just sexual.  Anything.  Period.  For her, it is all about the kids.  I am an asterisk and a footnote, if that.

SOoo..where am I now?  Jobwise, I am getting ready to enter a new and promising phase of temp teacher work.  There is a future on this path if I can carve it out.  Time will tell if I have the will and gumption for it.  “Gumption”…there is a word you never hear anymore.  Probably because it is such a rare commodity.  And I would not use it to describe much I’ve been doing the last couple of years.  We’ve been getting by, and not much else.  I can still save and be frugal like a champ, but all the savings is long spent except for a recent series of stuff that has enabled us to stay afloat.  One of those being SNAP otherwise known as food stamps.  Never thought I would be one of THOSE…but I am.  And working to try to get out from under but it will be a protracted struggle.

Weight.  Ugh.  I am a full-blown couch potato.  Not so much TV as internet stuff.  Secondlife sorta took over Real Life.  I’ll blog more about that a little later as it does weigh in heavily on a lot of fronts.  But over the last 5 years, I have managed to gain back every last pound I pounded out.  Not exactly a boost to the SMV, is it?  But even at my lowest weight, at 185 or 190, Arwyn never showed much interest.  Yes, she would have sex occasionally but it was not because she couldn’t resist the new me.  She did make a comment that she did enjoy being able to wrap her legs around me once.  And as far as I remember that was the only time she ever did.

Smoking.  Well, as long as I am suffering, I might as well self-medicate right?  I was good for about 2 years with maybe 2 packs of relapse until February when I bought a pack…and then another in April…one in May…2 so far in June.  You get the picture.  However, prior to that I was going through boxed wine almost as fast as packs of cigarettes!  Yeah, I loved me some wine.  It was not exactly a social thing although I was on SL most all the time while drinking…and since others were drinking while THEY were on…I guess it was kinda social! Haha!  But it was privately social.  Socially private.  It was me and my computer late at night while everyone one else was sleeping.  Me and my posse of other avatars.  Prolly helped lead into the weight gain, though I never thought of wine as a high calorie item.  It’s fermented fruit, how can it be bad?  Fruit is supposed to be good for you, right?  But I haven’t bought a box in a couple of months, so I’m sorta done with that for the moment.

Ahh…the catharsis of just getting all out there!   Not sure what to do about it all at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll get some advice.  The blog world lives for that sort of thing.

SO…this is me.  Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is my start….again.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  We’ll see if I make it out of the parking lot.


7 Responses to Them’s that dies will be the lucky ones!

  1. Marlena says:

    Welcome back! I used to “lurk” all the time back when you were posting regularly. So glad I stopped by to find you are starting up again.

  2. Cat says:

    Well not to offer excuses but lack of money does breed gaining weight. I would guess you guys aren’t buying fresh fruits and vegetables and grilled chicken on such a tight budget. I am glad to see you are writing again, there is something about getting it out and reading it back I have to agree. I can’t really speak to the LL stuff because although I do have a couple of friends who will make statements like “my husband and I haven’t had sex (insert # of years)” I just don’t get it genuinely. My bf from high school said she wished her husband would just divorce her and give her alimony and child support. I thought this was the height of cruelty because she knows he can’t afford to maintain two households on his salary. It’s such a crappy situation, why marry and have children with someone you can’t stand to share space with? It’s the most bizzaro thing to me. I have droughts, sometimes really long ones, for any number of reasons; but the thought of just deciding sex isn’t worth it, is just weird. It’s like saying eating or sleeping is overrated. Did therapy at least give you any insight into why she’s decided to cut all intimacy with you? I mean even if sex isn’t high on her list who doesn’t like or for that matter need to be hugged and kissed from time to time?

  3. Dave says:

    The blogroll does sortof grow organically, but you’re right- there’s a lot of the “crowd” that really isn’t around- or, like me, aren’t posting; although I do still read everyone and comment, lol

    If it felt good to let it all get out now, I’m hoping that maybe you’ll decide to do more of it 🙂

  4. Xavier says:

    Hey, i’m still here and hoping you gain some momentum. It’s been might lonely on BLOG world lately … 😉

  5. diggerjones says:

    **shakes the lurker tree** Heya Marlena! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    I’m not sure, Cat, where her intimacy boundries are, really. I might get a little negative backlash, but my theory is that my wife exhibits some rather autistic traits when it comes to physical intimacy. Actually she shows other traits too, like an inability to manage money, time or space. She likes it but in miniscule doses. The kids and the cat fill that gap pretty well for her.

    Heck yah Dave and Xavier…I’m hoping to do more of it too! I find I got stuff to say and stuff I want to remember later…this is a handy place to park a few of those such as my above post.

  6. Hey Digger,

    I’ve lurked for years, and I’ve always returned to your site because your situation reminded me so much of my situation. Arwyn could have been my ex Annie, the way you described her, although the droughts of intimacy I suffered weren’t as lengthy as yours.

    While there was a lot of issues on both sides of the aisle as far as our situation goes, what I finally realized in our marriage was that my ex didn’t want a husband; she wanted a second father, a man who would take care of her and indulge her and free her from the burdens of adulthood and I wanted a wife who was capable and self-reliant and someone whom I could both comfort and lean on, when needed. Of course, when you are looking for a father (or mother, as the case may be), the sexual attraction tends to fade pretty fast. Who wants to fuck someone you think of as mom or dad? I didn’t handle it well, to be certain, but I think she also manipulated that situation to her advantage. I’d get frustrated at the (near) sexlessness and she’d use that as her excuse to further deny. Rinse & repeat.

    Fitness was what broke our impasse a couple of years back. The key difference was that my commitment to getting fit was solely for my benefit, not to try and woo her back. She assumed that I was getting in shape to either leave her and/or cheat on her. She dealt with it like any coward does: she started fucking an ex-boyfriend. Apparently her libido was okay after all. I confronted her, she lied the most embarrassing lies known to mankind about it and I packed my bags and left. I didn’t do it lightly. I ruminated on it for almost a full month, as we do have two small children (Gerry, my youngest was 3 months old when she was carrying on with her ex), but in my situation it was the right call. She seemed glad to see the back of me. *Shrug*. I see my kids regularly and am very involved in their lives. She’s going to have to confront them when they find out the reason why I left.

    Anyways, I digress. Please Digger, fitness is the first key step, in my opinion. Give yourself goals and things to strive for. Treat yourself. Do it for you. I promise it will pay you dividends.

    Hate to see things are the same, but good to read you nonetheless

    – PW

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