I went looking for some new blogs to link to while thinking about links that are now empty and lifeless, but it proved to be more daunting of a task than I remember it being when I started out. I started out reading a blog or two but can’t seem to remember how this little group came about that seemed to sprout up from no where.
I think I just started writing and people started to show up. And then their blogrolls became incorporated into mine and we just started exchanging and swapping bloggity fluids. So I guess that’s what I’ll do again….just write and see who shows up.
I’ll never forget a comment left by someone who visited me years and years ago. I don’t remember her name because she didn’t comment very often. But she reflected the thinking of a lot of low libido women at the time when she said “No one ever died from lack of sex.” I am not sure if that is true or not, but if they did, I might paraphrase Long John Silver’s quote in the title “Thems the lucky ones”
Because although few have ever died, the ones who don’t die inevitably suffer. And the suffering goes far, far beyond a simple case of blue balls. I’m all over that, meaning I am well past the stage of having an itch that needs to be constantly scratched. There is such a thing as “Too Much.”
But there is also such a thing as too little. How much is too little? That is an individual thing would be my guess and changes throughout life. I remember another frequent commenter and person on my blogroll for a bit who blogged about her husband always foisting himself upon her and she opined that she could not wait for him to reach the stage where sex was no longer a priority in his life. I wonder if he ever got there and I wonder if she is as happy about it as she thought she would be?
I am not clawing at Arwyn anymore. Not even close. Physical affection is just not happening…ever. I can not even remember when the last kiss was. And she does not seem bothered by that. And neither do I. But the collateral damage is something that no one considers when the Low Libido (LL) person succeeds in extinguishing that drive. And there is collateral damage.
My drop in sex drive is matched by an accompanying drop in interest in most things social. I used to be an extrovert and the life of the party. Not all of that is directly correlated with the lack of sex as Life started taking over, but the most precipitous drop in interest in other people does follow my lack of sex drive. When I realized and began coming to terms that my Wife did not want me, I suppose that infected a lot of my thinking in that no one else wanted me either.
When last I was blogging hot and heavy, I had just completed the rather astounding transformation in losing 50 punds, quitting smoking and my career was on its way up. I was as good as I ever was, or as good as I was ever going to get. Then we entered into the marriage counseling. The biggest thing highlighted by that experience was that I was willing to put effort into the relationship but Arwyn was not. And not just sexual. Anything. Period. For her, it is all about the kids. I am an asterisk and a footnote, if that.
SOoo..where am I now? Jobwise, I am getting ready to enter a new and promising phase of temp teacher work. There is a future on this path if I can carve it out. Time will tell if I have the will and gumption for it. “Gumption”…there is a word you never hear anymore. Probably because it is such a rare commodity. And I would not use it to describe much I’ve been doing the last couple of years. We’ve been getting by, and not much else. I can still save and be frugal like a champ, but all the savings is long spent except for a recent series of stuff that has enabled us to stay afloat. One of those being SNAP otherwise known as food stamps. Never thought I would be one of THOSE…but I am. And working to try to get out from under but it will be a protracted struggle.
Weight. Ugh. I am a full-blown couch potato. Not so much TV as internet stuff. Secondlife sorta took over Real Life. I’ll blog more about that a little later as it does weigh in heavily on a lot of fronts. But over the last 5 years, I have managed to gain back every last pound I pounded out. Not exactly a boost to the SMV, is it? But even at my lowest weight, at 185 or 190, Arwyn never showed much interest. Yes, she would have sex occasionally but it was not because she couldn’t resist the new me. She did make a comment that she did enjoy being able to wrap her legs around me once. And as far as I remember that was the only time she ever did.
Smoking. Well, as long as I am suffering, I might as well self-medicate right? I was good for about 2 years with maybe 2 packs of relapse until February when I bought a pack…and then another in April…one in May…2 so far in June. You get the picture. However, prior to that I was going through boxed wine almost as fast as packs of cigarettes! Yeah, I loved me some wine. It was not exactly a social thing although I was on SL most all the time while drinking…and since others were drinking while THEY were on…I guess it was kinda social! Haha! But it was privately social. Socially private. It was me and my computer late at night while everyone one else was sleeping. Me and my posse of other avatars. Prolly helped lead into the weight gain, though I never thought of wine as a high calorie item. It’s fermented fruit, how can it be bad? Fruit is supposed to be good for you, right? But I haven’t bought a box in a couple of months, so I’m sorta done with that for the moment.
Ahh…the catharsis of just getting all out there! Not sure what to do about it all at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll get some advice. The blog world lives for that sort of thing.
SO…this is me. Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is my start….again. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We’ll see if I make it out of the parking lot.