Same Old Same Old and Complacency

Thank you all, whoever commented on my last V-day post!  I have no idea what prompts a post today except perhaps boredom or maybe just wanting to share a thought or two.  Labor Day Weekend for us U.S. folks.

OH…now I know what prompted me.  On a whim I was reading a few blogs in my blog feeds on a Google.  I don’t read much anymore at all, but caught a few from old friends who have published recently.  Always Aroused Girl is as prolific as she ever was, in more ways than one, although she recently complained of a 5 month sexual dry spell.  Ha!  I could do that on my head!  And have many times over…well…not all on my head.  That might be painful.

Gotta hand it to Xavier who keeps on plugging away with some pretty funny things. You have to laugh sometimes, because crying all the time just gets boring.

And finally, FADKOG, who continues to be regularly entertaining and funny.  These are the only three out f all the folks I once had in my google reader who showed up the past month.  Of course if the address or the feed changed, then I would lose people from that.  Or if you went and made it password protected.

Last entry I wrote spawned a number of comments about how complacency has set in for those in sexless marriages.  I think complacency might be something that many who have struggled with this situation would actually sort of hope to attain.  I mean we have moved past the fighting and the struggling and the bitterness, right?  Right?

Yeah, I am pretty complacent.  But I would not say that the bitterness is something that will ever completely go away.  I spent the best years of my life being absolutely sexless and hating it.  I’m bitter about both the sexless part and the hating it part.  I might have spared myself a lot of heartache if I could have discovered complacency a lot sooner!  But then…this blog would never have existed either.  Frustration and bitterness seems to be a rather powerful artistic muse.  Many of us have spent countless hours banging our frustrations away on the keyboard and publishing thoughts for the amusement of others.  And I have no regrets about that.  All that frustration sort of brought together a community of awesome people.

I know there are tons of people in the same boat as me.  So many, in fact, that I am a bit surprised when I come across someone who has been married for over 10 years with a couple of children who actually have full, satisfying and interesting sex lives.  THEY are the freaks, not me. *I* am one of the normal ones!  I always root for the youngsters getting married, but wait long enough and the old song begins to play again.  One of them loses interest and so the bed becomes a fairly cold and lonely place.  Many fights, quarrels and battles ensue as tension and discord runs high.  A power struggle ensues as each desperately tries to ‘win’.  At some point, the struggle gets so fierce that it tears a couple apart.  They go their separate ways.  And some will remarry and the struggle might start all over again.

But for the rest of us, Complacency sets in.  Complacency becomes a higher state of being that allows us to go through the motions and find joy in other things.  Complacency allows me to enjoy my children instead of resenting them for all the energy they took away from the marriage.  Besides, all that was just a bullshit excuse…it was NEVER their fault.  Arwyn just used them as convenient shields for her selfish lazy-ass behavior.  If it wasn’t them, it would be some allergy, sickness, tiredness, project…whatever the hell latest stress.

Complacency allows us to exist in a passionless space without a lot of fighting, arguing and drama.  As long as I am willing to forgo any illusion of passion, we can get along just fine.  In fact we get along better because I don’t have to listen to her bullshit excuses anymore.  In fact, I sorta quit listening to her complaints in general.  Complacency gives me permission to tune her out and not be bothered by whatever paranoid fear might be driving her at the moment.  I don’t feel like I have to fix anything because I accept that she is unfixable by any intervention that I might possibly conceive.  If she is unwilling to fix herself, it sorta saves me the bother of having to support her self-improvement efforts!  And she returns the favor, totally.  She never supported my efforts to stop smoking in any meaningful way, so my recovery is not dependent upon anything she may or may not do.  Complacency is pretty convenient and useful that way.

The main problem with Complacency is that while it allows you to live, it sorta sucks out any real internal drive to do anything beyond living.  Complacency is a rather passionless state of existence, being neither painless nor painful.  It is just sorta there, and numbs the pain of whatever one might be lacking so there is little incentive to strive for anything better and richer.  In a sense, it is settling for what you have without the better and happier relative of Contentment.  Complacency is sort of the gray boring area between Contentment and Discontent.

You don’t actually have to DO anything if you are Complacent, which is a good thing since it seems to occupy a space of extremely low energy.  To be anything other than complacent would require more energy.  Even happiness and contentment require some energy to protect and maintain them.  Complacency demands very little and gives very little in return.  But it has the virtue of being a very low-risk proposition, in that you pretty much know what you are getting once you reach this ultimate state of mediocrity.

Unlike apathy, complacency engenders more of a loss.  In apathy, nothing ventured nothing gained and who cares.  In Complacency, there is a capacity for caring and feeling, it is just choosing not to invest the energy to do anything about it.  I actually DO have a preference if given a choice but I seem to be in a state where nothing I like is on the menu so eat whatever is served.  What *I* like is not even offered and going somewhere else involves more of a battle than I am willing to fight.  So complacency allows me to swallow the the daily mushy gruel without throwing up.

Cheers to complacency!  I would toast with something stronger than sweet tea but just got over a hangover from last night’s indulgence.  Yes, Complacency allows me to indulge in other vices.  In fact, those vices sort of help attain and maintain this higher level of tolerance and acceptance.

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15 Responses to Same Old Same Old and Complacency

  1. aagblog says:

    This makes me sad. You deserve better than this, Digger. You truly do.

  2. So Gone says:

    Wow, long time no “see”.

    Sad to hear things have not changed much.

    Just a small update on me (since I deleted my old blog) – I’m getting married in April. I’m hoping we stay as happy sexually as we are now, and have been since we started dating. I feel like I finally met my “match” and someone who understands the importance of sex in a relationship.

  3. Val says:

    One good thing about complacency – when something nice (out of the ordinary) happens, it is a VERY pleasant surprise…

    Unexpected gestures of affection, or doing something TRULY remarkable: an unselfish gesture like cleaning out my car (the Crapmobile) is greatly appreciated.

    Guess I don’t expect great things anymore either, so “it’s the little things” that help ya get by.

  4. Dave says:

    Sorry that it’s complacency, but it does sound as if it’s at least a state of being that you can live with… but still, ugh 😦

  5. Mu Ling says:

    I’m there too. I finally got there this year. It took a lot of drama, a separation and supposed “reconciliation” and two rounds of marital counseling, but at the end of the day, I wound up at Complacency. I drink and smoke too much, and I’m overweight, and this is my life.

    All of which is to say, you’re not alone.

  6. Xavier says:

    One of the fortunate few, my state of complacency in the sexual arena has resulted in a richer love life. I found that the stress Queenie experienced was primarily due to my demands and once those demands were gone she turned back into the woman I first married. We have fun, we enjoy each others company, we get along well, and we are more effective as a couple. While it’s not MY ideal, it has turned out to be OUR ideal and I can live with that quite nicely.

    She had nothing to do with it, but I can live with that.

    It is good to hear from you again, my friend.

  7. Trueself says:

    Complacency. . . it’s what’s on the menu at our house too. About a year ago I gave up and gave in. There will be no more sex. It’s too much work to keep it on the down low as long as W is around, and W continues to ride the health/sickness roller coaster. I’m now just the taxi driver, house cleaner, cook, breadwinner of the family. Complacency lets me accept that as my role in life for now. It’s just easier to accept it than fight it.

  8. Emily says:

    Good to hear some updates (hi Mu Ling, I missed you). The Big Dude and I are doing better than before. After more than a year of a lot of distance, I got totally fed up and said I wasn’t willing to go on living like this. There was so much distance and complacency it felt like the relationship was kind of a farce. We fought a lot. The Big Dude finally caved on the relationship counselling, which has helped a little bit. More importantly, we have just been focusing on each other a lot more and connecting again. Our sex life has re-started in a low key way. I accept that part of our lives will never be the way I wanted, but I did miss my Big Dude and am glad to be reconnected and loving again. The Little Dude is still a joy and I would consider us to be a (mostly) happy family now.

  9. Thereseinheaven says:

    This made me sad, both for you, and also because I think this path is the only one left for me.

    I hope that out of your complacency, maybe eventually a bit of peace or even joy can grow for you.

    Always good to read your words, Digger.

  10. Wow, Digger. . . you post every six months or so, I don’t notice for a month. . . I’d love to have you drop by my blog, if you’re so inclined. Although, for the past year or so, I’ve been re-posting old stuff almost as often as putting up anything new. . .

    So sorry that things have settled into such a passionless rut for you. I’d love to say that I’ve got just the thing to turn things around for you, but I’m pretty sure I don’t. I wish nothing but the best. . .

    We’re still doing well – loving our marriage, in all its aspects, and dealing with the stuff our kids splash on us. But maybe you don’t wanna know that. . .

  11. complacent, too says:

    Digger, I’ve read your blog since April of 2007, but this is the first time I felt bold enough to post a reply.

    In many ways, my relationship with my wife mimics yours, so I find myself agreeing with much of what you write and feeling similarly frustrated. This particular blog of yours prompted me to write because, as of recently, I also feel a sense of complacency in my marriage, and it frightens me how much that complacency spills over to other areas of my life. I’ve been coasting at work; I’ve let our fiscal situation get completely out of control (albeit with a significant amount of help from her); I no longer get excited about things that used to interest me; I drink more than I should to help ameliorate the pain and visceral, pent-up resentment. I, too, feast at the trough of mushy gruel and stomach it. It’s an unpleasant meal, but it’s not worth the effort to dine elsewhere. I feel like I understand the place from which you write.

    And speaking of writing, you impress me with your ability to elaborate about situations, feelings, and your introspection. If you asked me to write about complacency, for example, I’d come up with a great paragraph or two, but I couldn’t match the depth of your exploration of the topic. Your ability to write, in addition to the similarity of our situations, is much of the reason I’ve read your blog for so long.

    In closing, I hope that you can find some peace and some passion, whether it’s your current relationship or a new one. I look forward to reading a new post of yours in about six months!

  12. Aphron says:

    Yep, I know of what you say. I think we get to that point at some time or another in our married lives. I know I have. It’s far easier to be complacent than to make the radical changes that are necessary.

  13. Cat says:

    Well complacent or not it’s nice to see a post from you.

  14. Glad to see you’re kind of still around, and I hope that you are well.

  15. FTN says:

    Look at that, so many old friends to catch up with here. And I’m about five months late on the reunion. Hi, everybody!

    It is good to hear from you, Digger. This is such a sad post, though. As you and a commenter above me mentioned, that high level of complacency can so easily bleed into other areas of life. And that can be soul-sucking. I don’t have a solution for you, but I do challenge you to find a passion of some sort. We need some sort of passion in life.

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