October Update: New Series on the New Old Blog Edition

I’ll try to get to comments before posting this, but the most universal reaction was to Arwyn’s testimony, especially about her marrying me because she thought that is what God wanted her to do.

We have not discussed this, but perhaps we need to. But I’m not sure exactly what there is to discuss. While earlier in our relationship Arwyn did claim that she thought we were together because God intended it to be so, I was under the impression that there was also some underlying attraction toward me. But this seems to be a mistaken belief. Or if there was some sort of attraction, it was very tenuous, at best. Whatever attraction there was, it’s pretty safe to say that it was not a physical attraction. Lots of women have been attracted to me for my mind, my morals, or my sense of humor. But my looks? My body? Not too many, although there seemed to be a few who enjoyed me. At least I have those memories and I have no regrets about them. Being wanted just for my body might get old after awhile, but being stuck in a state of body-lessness gets old in a hurry too. I’m glad I have had times when I could share physical enjoyment for the joy of it instead of for some other agenda. For most of the life of this blog, that agenda was basically her doing me because she wanted me off her back or because was feeling guilty. Either way, not a lot of room for enjoyment there.

As for me, I was trying to get what I thought I had coming, or deserved or just trying to satisfy the proverbial itch. Not a ton of room for enjoyment there, either, as I was always left wondering how long it would be until we would have sex again. Counting and keeping score were all symptoms of that mindset. How long could a body play that game until they drove themselves nuts?
So the result is, is that my sex drive has decreased markedly over the past year. I don’t want to have sex with someone who would rather clean the cat litter box than be naked with me. That’s not to say it has disappeared altogether, but it’s a lot easier to scratch my own itch rather than bother with someone who is so reluctant to do it for me. If it’s that much of a chore, I’m not going to bother.

So I found another outlet, and have been blogging it, but not publishing it. I was wondering where and how, and now I know. Sensual Dementia rides again! Warning: it won’t be safe for work. Bad news for a lot of you, but my long suffering fans of kink are about to hit the jackpot.

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11 Responses to October Update: New Series on the New Old Blog Edition

  1. Dave says:

    Both of you get stuck in a not-so-enjoyable places, which really is a shame. Marriage, at least in my inexpert opinion, really should be a joining in all aspects, mental, emotional, spiritual- and not least physical.

    I hope that your release is actually helping, at whatever level.

  2. aphron says:

    I was wondering how you are coming to terms with Arwyn’s revelation. You’re probably reacting the same way we all do. We all make choices in our life. Yours has always been between two that suck. It seems you’ve taken the honorable route. That speaks a lot about your character. This situation, also, speaks a lot about Arwyn’s. Sorry.

    As for God wanting her to marry you, she seemed to have misread EVERYTHING that Paul wrote. The whole idea of marriage was to keep us from sexual sin. Yet, her actions are leaving you no other choice.

  3. Emily says:

    Dear Digger

    You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I want to make a confession.

    While I’ve done my best to be encouraging, and I truly respect what you have done to make things bettter, I secretly think you and Arwyn should separate. Yes, I really do. It’s none of my business, obviously. And you guys will obviously do what you each want to do. But if it was me, I’d be thinking hard about separation.

    I know that separation and divorce is very hard on children. I remember what my own parent’s divorce was like and its impact on me. But from what I see around me, the kids generally recover well when both parents stay closely involved with their children, stay committed to them, and have lots of contact with them. When the ex-partners can still talk and have feelings of friendship and co-parent. My feeling is that you and Arwyn have probably reached the point where that kind of separation and/or divorce is possible.

    As it is, despite a lot of hard work, in a relationship sense you and Arwyn seem to have reached some kind of settlement/stalemate by which you could continue on, mostly for the sake of the kids, for some years. It seems better than it was before, and the progress has been good.

    But for all the effort expended, it still seems to lack some crucial ingredients that can’t really be negotiated – close friendship, real enjoyment and appreciation of one another, joy.

    And love. I believe that you love Arwyn in a tortured, longing kind of way. But I really wonder if she loves you. Sometimes I wonder if she even likes you.

    I know what it’s like to be in a relationship that is mostly sexless. Its very difficult. My own relationship is like that. But even when there’s no sex, there can be laughter, closeness, loyalty, fun and affection. There can be love and appreciation and doing small things for one another just because that one person is OUR person. Wanted and loved for themselves, even if sex is mostly not on the agenda.

    I realize that readers of a blog can never get the full picture. But I have been reading you for over three years now and your relationship with Arwyn seems to consist mostly of a grim sticking together out of duty. And I really wonder about the value of that… life is short and we will all be dead for a long time.

    I’m sorry to say this, Digger, and I realize I will get some flack for this. But I for one feel that you have done your best and shouldn’t be made to suffer forever over your original choice of partner.

    And I don’t know what you look like but so what if you’re not handsome. Most people are not. Only a minority of us are beautiful. Some of the most sexually attractive and successful people I’ve known aren’t handsome at all and some are even quite ugly – except for their vitality and their enjoyment of life, which is catching.

    But I feel that I know you at least a bit, and I can tell you that you are loveable and likeable. I don’t have much doubt that, given time, you would re-partner. Look around you – plenty of downright ugly men are happily partnered with a woman who appreciates them for who they are.

    Just don’t let your kids down or I will come after you with a baseball bat…

    Emily xox

  4. Desmond Jones says:

    I repeat my previous question – She married you because she thought God wanted her to; WHY? What was the POINT of God wanting her to marry you? Presumably God had something in mind for her marrying you; it’s not like He was just arbitrarily consigning her to a lifetime of misery, and you were his Chosen Vessel for that. So that’s a question worth exploring. If God had some reason for wanting her to marry you, would that reason still have relevance today?

    But then, you guys are allergic, or something, to having those kinds of down-and-dirty conversations with each other, so maybe it’s not so useful. . .

    And Aphron, I get your point, but I want to think that there’s WAY more to marriage than ‘keeping us from sexual sin’. That’s part of it, and maybe, from our limited human vantage point, a big part. But when the bible invokes ‘Christ and the Church’, I start to think that there’s something bigger involved. . .

  5. diggerjones says:

    Well, Dave, it’s a sort of “It could be worse” phase or a “could be better” place. I didn’t think I was exactly whining, as much as pointing out why I’m not chasing so much. I can see, from Arwyn’s POV, how that could be very annoying.

    While it is true that I would not choose as Arwyn has, Aphron, and that it seems like foolishness led to her choices, they were mine, too. I saw what I chose to see. I think we always have a choice, even when it seems like we don’t. Most of the time, saying we don’t have a choice simply means we don’t like the options we have.

    Ah, Emily! You do speak on behalf of a whole raft of other readers, past and present, who have gone on and said the same thing. And a lot of what you say is true. But perhaps I’ve been a bit too negative here, because unlike in years past, I don’t see myself as especially suffering now. Could my life be better? Sure, I suppose, but it could also be much worse. While Arwyn isn’t forthcoming in physical joys, she is the source of a lot of support with my kids and day-to-day life. I struggle, but I think there is joy to be found here. You’re right, close friendship, joy and love can not be negotiated. But they still exist, even in a relatively impoverished sense. I don’t blame Arwyn for all of this. I’ve got my own neglectful ways to deal with!

    Desmond, the short answer (from Arwyn’s POV) would be the boys. That’s mostly her reason for it all, for good or ill. But it is odd, because if she did this because she thought God told her to, then why didn’t she blame God when she was in the depths of her misery?

    FWIW, God *could have* told her to marry me, and that might be all well and good. I thought much the same, except I thought
    God was giving a blessing to us…to me. I didn’t feel like He was driving me into a place I didn’t already want to go.

  6. Alaska Bob says:

    Wow, I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog. We have so much in common that at times I had to remind myself that I didn’t write it. Your comment about how your wife is basically a perfectionist with regards to everything but her efforts towards your marriage was a summary of my chief marriage complaint (but was written far more eloquently than I could have stated it myself).

    With regards to your current issue about whether your wife married you for love or because God told her to – I’ve got to say, my opinion is that unless she thinks God specifically told her to marry you against her wishes, what she is saying isn’t that odd. I didn’t marry my wife because I loved her – I loved others and would have loved again I’m sure. I married her after prayerfully considering whether it was what God wanted and concluded it was. This may just be her way of “blaming” God for being in a seemingly incompatible marriage. That being said, you’ve been patient, and good to her, and I doubt she would be satisfied married to anyone else either.

    One other issue – I stumbled onto your blog by searching marriage vows, which led me to your forsaking all others commentary. One thing I would add – most traditional protestant vows include a “to have and to hold” clause, which is a euphamistic way of saying you have a right to physical intimacy and an obligation to provide it. Not whenver you want it, but in my view, enough to satisfy you. This is one of the most crucial parts of the marriage vow and commitment, as it identifies your means of satisfying a need that by agreement can’t be met by someone else.

    Good luck to you, I’m looking forward to your next post.

  7. tajalude says:

    Dude, are you alright? Where ya at? Am I missing something or have you been MIA for like 6 months?

    • diggerjones says:

      Oops…
      Been awhile, hasn’t it?

      Well, I’m alive and not much has appreciably changed, hence the dirth of posts. I’ve pretty much said about as much as I have to say on the subject/subjects!LOL!

      But thanks for checking in on me. If there is any new news or I have something worth reading, I’ll post it up here!

  8. FTN says:

    Well come on, it’s been like nine months by now. Surely you’ve got SOMETHING to write about. Even I manage to find something to write once every couple of months!

  9. Ginny says:

    Yes, I second what FTN says………….come on, there must be SOMETHING after this long to write about, still checking regularly…….please?

  10. Emily says:

    Yes, can I just mention that I still stop in, hoping you are “back” and that I miss you?

    Emily xox

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