Back in the Soup

We are now officially in a pattern. Actually we’ve been in this pattern many time before (that’s why it is a pattern) and looking at my blog archives helped identify the intensity and duration. Or at least the timing.

We haven’t had a joint counseling session in about 6 weeks because of childcare or other issues. And we have not had sex in about that long.

Either. Arwyn and I have each gone individually a time or two in that time, but we are definitely stuck back into this rut where things are in a downward spiral. Sex is not everything, but it can be a an indicator of general marital quality and right now it isn’t looking very good. Last week, I talked a bit about some of our tension to the counselor and he asked me if this was a pattern. At the time, I didn’t think it was. However, now I see very clearly that it is. The fall seems to be a bad time for Arwyn and I for whatever reason. From my side, it seems to be a time when I seem to need more physical attention. Not just sexually (but definitely sexually) but just plain basic physical cuddling and holding. It might have something to do with the colder weather or something where I expect more snuggling that in the summer. And in Georgia we don’t get but a few months of real good snuggle weather before it gets hot and sticky again. One of Arwyn’s early chief complaints against sleeping right next to me at night was that I was too hot. You would think this might be worth a premium during cold weather, but it is not.

The whole birthday sex thing, or the pattern of NOT having sex on my birthday. That’s just a deliberate lack of consideration and effort on her part. So this time of year I’m a bit randier and she is LESS desirous than her normal sub-average desire level. So the whole mismatch really bogs us down. I’ve been trying to deal and cope by trying to occupy myself with other thinks in order to not be always pressuring her. But that is just not working for me. It’s time to hash it out.

We also have a couple of other ongoing conflicts in relation to raising our oldest. Autism is not something like Down Syndrome, where there it a definite etiology and treatment. For autism, there is neither. She is of the mind to go always for the expensive diet and unproven medical treatments that are primarily guilt-driven. I’m for behavioral intervention and consistency while having more respect for him as a person rather than a patient. The bottom line is that the boy will never be good enough for her and she will always be trying to cure him. Just like she never felt good enough for her own parents. Now she wants to inflict him with the same curse. Thank God the autism actually shields him a bit from that psychological trauma! Because if he had a more typical development of “Theory of Mind” he’d be in for a tremendous inferiority complex about now. Not unlike what I sometimes feel.

I’m not even thinking about what the youngest is going to go through.


I guess I’ll be spending my Thanksgiving in the crucible. How about you?

A little something extra to improve the mood…

9 Responses to Back in the Soup

  1. Rosie says:

    So you weren’t able to tell the counselor about the existing pattern. But what help was he/she able to give. Any directives?? directions?? And it would seem that the different approaches to the care of your eldest is certainly divisive. One might say that consistency in all things would be a good approach for your family. Sorry if I’ve rambled.

  2. diggerjones says:

    Not much from the counselor, except try to talk about it. Getting back into a Schnarchian mode of self-soothing and keeping from getting too reptilian works best for me. We had a discussion this morning a bit and she admitted that she seemed to ge dragged down this time of year. I tried to steer the conversation into out relationship but she kept wanting to talk more about the kids. But I pointed out that their problems often coincide with our own. It’s easy to say that they add stress (and they do) but more to the point, when they see that we are off, they get insecure and tend to act out.

    The power of a loving marriage, IMO, can not be underestimated as far as providing a positive climate for children’s own emotional development.

    I did ask her what I could do to help make things easier or better, but she never directly gave me any answer or direction but went beck to how she was feeling. I’m totally fine listening to her vent if that helps, but she never answered the question! Oh well. That’s life in the crucible. Thanks for stopping by, Rosie!

  3. Dave says:

    I’m sorry you’re in a down place, that’s hard. Too bad the counselor couldn’t offer some more direction; sometimes, I felt that our own MC was sadly lacking in that area.

    Stress will show, no matter if the root is sex, money, child-rearing, whatever. I hope you can work past some of the raising differences, so that, at least, will be off your plate.

  4. Desmond Jones says:

    “The power of a loving marriage, IMO, can not be underestimated as far as providing a positive climate for children’s own emotional development.”

    I think you’re dead on-target with that, Digger.

    I’ll pray that you and A can get back on track. At least you’ve got a few more tools at your disposal than you once did. . .

  5. FTN says:

    Hmm. What fun would progress be without a few steps back, now and then?

    Six weeks is still a long time, and it seemed like things were going *so* well! That’s a long time to go without seeing the counselor, honestly. Especially in a marriage that was hurting as much as yours. Do you have an appointment that’s going to work out anytime soon? I don’t think counseling is a magic cure-all, but it seemed to really open up that communication for you two.

  6. diggerjones says:

    Yes Dave, our counselor has not been the one to set too many directions for us. He’s pretty passive but he does have his uses at least in enforcing some degree of accountability. We are sort of moving along in the child raising department thanks to some Youtubers who said some of the same things Ive been saying, only better. She happened to discover that community and there is some help there.

    I was hoping you would be on board with that specific statement, Desmond, as you were the exact person I was thinking of when I wrote it. If anyone would have sufficient cause to back it up or refute it, I’d think you and football team-sized family would! Indeed, I began applying those tools. God also got a bit more actively involved or at least I was more aware of His involvement as of late.

    We’ve seen the counselor during the past 6 weeks but just not together. And it looks like this week’s appointment is a go. Which might be one reason Arwyn put forth some effort this morning, but it was still a rough and rocky time with the intimacy issues. Once every 6 weeks is not going to cut it.

  7. Cocotte says:

    I have very strong feelings about the unnecessary “treatments” that the witch doctors are making kids with autism endure. I’ve copied and pasted this from a doctor at Case Western Reserve University. There is much more to it, but he goes on to say that 95% of the evidence of any “cures” have been anecdotal.

    There are 2 ways that alternative treatments get any recognition.

    First way is called “Anecdotal Evidence.” which means, people who have tried a treatment, and found it works for them, speak up and let everyone know about it. They may even write a book about it. This kind of evidence fails to mention the thousands of people who tried this same treatment method and found that :
    1. It had not effect
    2. Made things worse
    3. Cost lots of money, and did not work.
    4. Caused other problems.

    Second Way is to eliminate the power of suggestion or “Placebo” on the patient / parent side or the doctors side. This called a “Double Blind Placebo Study”
    This done by testing any medication or treatment against a “Placebo” sugar pill, starch pill, magic wand……
    For a treatment to be considered Real, True, Genuine, Ligit, it has to prove that is works better then the Placebo.

  8. C-Marie says:

    “I’m for behavioral intervention and consistency while having more respect for him as a person rather than a patient.”

    I really like the way you state that – which is more than just the truth, it beholds Massive Honesty!! I’ve been working with children and adults with Autism for the last 3 years and I cannot make it clear enough that behavorial intervention IS THE KEY! It’s a infinite AND consistant training, to which I have had great pleasure in witnessing!
    Love them for who they are – not for what we want them to be!!!
    And I do… I adore them!

    I’m sorry I don’t have much input for the other situation you’ve posted about…
    I just have a deeper than the ocean passion for autistic children and people with behavioral/special needs.
    (maybe we could email about it more?? I’d love to talk with you more on it.)


  9. RideFlame says:

    Hi Digger, this whole thing of ‘not good enough’ seems a terrible curse. Your son is lucky to have you to show him a way to behave rather than to push him into more chaos…meanwhile isn’t there something that your wife enjoys, I mean some kind of physical contact that could be for her as a kind of ‘gift’ from you? I suppose someone who is used to saying NO to pleasure needs to feel that she is good enough to deserve it?

    Ah, I don’t know! Just such a problem vexes me like a wobbly tooth! I feel that I should understand and be able to see a way through, but that’s just me.

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