How to Kill Sexual Desire Pretty Fast

The lag has been from other competing projects more than anything else. As the major themes in my life sort of stabilize or show signs of resolution, I have less angst and conflict to write about.

One thing that has changed is that I’m not keeping score like I used to, as far as when we have sex or how often we have sex. It’s probably about every 10 days or so, which isn’t that bad really. It certainly beats every 10 months or so or every 10 years or so! Progress is progress, and I’m grateful for it all.

A couple weeks ago, we did have a bit of a falling out around sexual issues which in hindsight turned out to be kind of funny. But at the time it was a bit maddening.

Arwyn and I are both pretty temperamental lovers. You knew she was, by all my past writing in that any little thing can get in the way and often does. Consequently it takes her a lot of work and effort to actually get into the moment.

On my side of it, if my mind and focus are off, I’m not going to perform very well. If I feel like she’s not all there or if something is off, my erection gets less rigid or departs entirely. The sheer anxiety surrounding sex sometimes compounds the performance issues, and so penetration becomes more challenging. It’s the difference between penetration by something firm and fairly pointy compared to penetration by something fairly dull and squishy. Add to that Arwyn’s own issues and her antihistimine intake. A good lubrication and some good foreplay would go along way in getting past these issues, but that’s just my opinion and not Arwyn’s.

I can not remember what brought it on, but her and I got into a heated discussion of our sexual issues. At one point I said what was probably the single dumbest thing any guy could possibly say. I made a reference to a particular face she made that looked like a grimace at the point of penetration and sometimes beyond. I was never sure what the face meant but it looked like intense pain or intense concentration. For the purposes of this discussion, I thought it was pain. She denied the pain but was a bit horrified that I was looking at and studying her face while we were having sex.

And this is one of my deals; I like to actually look at and see the person I’m having sex with. I suppose if I were with someone who was ugly I might want it totally dark but one aspect of sex I like it the total richness and presence of the experience. I want the total sensory package complete with visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory and taste sensations all at once. I like that intensity. Arwyn does not. In fact, she seems to want to minimize every sensory aspect of it as much as possible. I think a lot of women, especially, seem to have issues with the intensity of all those senses. The messiness of sex seems overwhelming to them, but that it probably more a low libido characteristic than a gender one.

So I asked for some adult attention early in the or the day before (not unlike FTN and Autumn’s arrangement) and she said okay. It had been 10 or more so I was feeling antsy anyway. The time comes and we get naked and begin with the kissing and hugging and then Arwyn proceeds to jump straight up and over to the bathroom to shut off the light.

The light was not shining on us, but was just enough to lend some soft dim light in the room. But Arwyn had remembered our earlier discussion and her solution was to make it totally dark so I wouldn’t be able to see her. The minute she flicked that switch, I remembered the discussion and that shut it down for awhile. We kept at it, but I never did get full penetration so Arwyn just got frustrated. I did sort of half get off when she was grinding into me as my orgasm sort of crept up on me and caught me by surprise and she stopped right then. But this was not a high point for us.

A few days later, after a counseling session, we did end up talking about it. I’m not sure we got it resolved, but she did approach me and ask for some adult time for early this next week. So at least she’s keen to give it a go where in the old days she would have avoided indefinitely. And this is a key for us: avoiding the avoiding. While I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about the counseling or our counselor, it has at least kept us somewhat accountable in how we behave with each other. That alone makes it worthwhile.

11 Responses to How to Kill Sexual Desire Pretty Fast

  1. Dave says:

    It’s good that you are still working on the talking. I like how you put that, “avoiding the avoiding” is something that I know I’ve had to work on personally. Not sexually, but sometimes I’ll stuff feelings and concerns down, and attempt to avoid the confrontations that really should be tiny and ongoing- instead of turning them larger.

  2. selkie says:

    I think you’re right that the “messiness” issue is not gender-based but a low libido one. I know a lot of women, myself included, that have no issue with the messiness but enjoy it. I like dim light however (and I’ll bet money a LOT of women are like me) becuase of self-consciousness about certian perceived body image issues.

    I’m impressed you guys are so willing to make the difficult choices and keep talking when most of us know how difficult that is.

  3. Desmond Jones says:

    Yeah, Molly isn’t so keen on the whole ‘visual’ aspect of sex. She’ll tolerate dim light, just because she knows I like to see her, but her preference would be to make love in total darkness, I think. And having her eyes open during sex just kinda weirds her out, whereas I find it incredibly intimate to look into each other’s eyes while we’re coupled. God bless her, she’s willing to give it the Old College Try, and it always goes better than she anticipated; but the ‘psychological hurdle’ is definitely there. . .

    And ‘avoiding the avoiding’ – good way to put it. And good for the two of you, for keeping the progress going. . .

  4. Cat says:

    I know it’s common among my friends to want it dark but I have never really understood why. I guess it is self conscious and body image issue. For me I want to see who I am with. But I guess it comes down to finding a way to connect with the person as they are issues and all. And you seem to be working very hard to achieve that. Progress may be slower than you would like but you appear to be making some all the same.

  5. Trueself says:

    I do not get the fun of sex in total darkness. I’ve always been a let’s-leave-the-lights-on type, maybe because I am a visual person. I want to drink in the experience through my eyes. However, when I really get into it and am getting close to that happiest of happy places I close my eyes. I need the nothingness, no distractions, in order to make it past the edge and into bliss.

  6. C-Marie says:

    I used to be one of those people that couldn’t stand the thought of sex happening in some form of light – I’ve did get past that at one time in my life… but yes, it’s all about how we perceive ourselves and very much how we think the person you’re with perceives you.

    If there’s a snowballs chance sex may happen, I’ve reverted to my old ways.

    It’s really great to see the progress tht has been made bewteen the 2 of you. It’s been materializing right before my eyes. Noone says we only have to post about conflict. I think you’re situation shows that there really is a bit of hope for others with similar problems.


  7. C-Marie says:

    Sue me for the typos… go ahead.

  8. I find that there is often just too much to think about during sex to be able to enjoy it fully. My husband likes to mess around in front of a mirror, I don’t mind as long as I don’t have to look at my own face in it.
    But I don’t really care about the amount of light.
    I think it’s just a male/female difference. My husband likes it when I look up at him when giving him oral, but when he does it it’s a little disconcerting.

  9. NookieNotes says:

    (just found your blog through some obscure link/post on another and another… you know how it goes)

    Ahhh. Sex in the dark. Such a tender spot for women. This is a topic I have been wanting to write about for a while, I just haven’t gotten around to it.

    *smiles* That little face… yeah, I winced when I read that. It’s funny how we hurt each other inadvertently.

    How about starting with the little things that you LOVE about seeing her do while you make love. About how you love the sparkle in her eyes, the curve of her waist, how she catches her lip between her teeth… Be generous with your praise, be honest as well.

    Only time, lavish reassurance and honesty can get a woman past her insecurities, but if you will be patient, you can get her there.

    Oh, why did I ramble? *shrugs* your post touched me. I *do* love the lights on, usually, but my ex made me always want them off…

    Thank you.

  10. Arxsyn says:

    I think Nookie Nooks is dead on. My advice is to make your woman feel like a GODDESS and that you truly desire her. She would be crazy not to be in bed with you!

  11. Although the storyplot is straightforward yet effective & the
    performances are still charming & endearing, the laughs aren’t quite as big or often as past Shrek films. You’ll save a couple of pennies on the power bill and it’ll be pretty challenging to hack a wireless network that’s not online.
    But, if you chase him crying and begging, he’ll almost certainly see you as being needy and desperate.

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