I have no idea what Olympic event this would be…

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Standing broad jump?

I’m way past due for an update, and some things have been moving along in my story. Mostly good things, but also enough angsty stuff to hold your interest, especially those prone to giving advice.

First off, as soon as I threw the last post up and shut the computer down, I proceeded to a sort of make-out session with my wife. While doing so, we contemplated when it was that we might be able to get together to get it on. After sort of agreeing on a time, kept making out and it escalated into probably the best sex we’ve had in years. At one point, Arwyn made it known that she was satisfied and that it was okay for me to proceed to finishing my steak. That’s one of the difficulties with her, in that she’s not terribly vocal. I can tell when she’s getting into it, but there’s no apparent big finish. And that is okay, seeing as we’re not auditioning for any movie deals except it doesn’t happen enough for me to get a good fix on her reactions. Truly, I’d like to know my wife better in the Biblical and carnal sense. But it really was enjoyable. As for the date that we made…that just came and went. And this illustrates on of the difficulties of a person who seems to devalue sex and sexuality; even if they do have a marvelous time it doesn’t necessarily translate into wanting to do it again. As a behaviorist, I find this quite maddening because the increased likelihood of repeating a behavior is what defines reinforcement. So if there’s not an increased likelihood of a repeat performance, just how reinforcing could it have been in the first place? Arwyn and her sexually minimized peers will often claim how much they like it, but it’s pretty hard for someone like me, who really likes it and responds in behaviorally significant and predictable ways, to understand how they can say that and behave so indifferently. They are either lying or repressing their desires or something else.

These thoughts are occurring in hindsight, because for a good week I was a happy camper and didn’t think twice about Arwyn’s motives or the truthfulness of her statement in saying she was satisfied. Satisfied…now it comes to me that this is not a particularly strong endorsement. How much of a tip does a satisfied customer give a waitress versus one who is delighted and overjoyed? This would be a good conversation to have with a waitress at my neighborhood Hooters restaurant.

So I was fine with everything. And it was in that sort of mindset that we went to our first joint therapy in over a month. And that is when we went over our 20 things list. Actually we didn’t get all the way through it, and each of us only did ten. We’ll do the next ten the next time. This session went pretty well, I thought. At one point, Arwyn said that she thought our marriage was better than it had ever been, and I’m inclined to agree with her on that. Because let’s face it, those of you who have been reading these past many years know that our marriage has been pretty crappy most of the time. There have been epic episodes of crap and supercrap that we have subjected each other to. So much of that is being cleared away, and we are getting along a lot better. We’ve been on the brink of separation and divorce for years. So we are at a much better place. Yay! Wahoo!

Celebration’s over, it’s time to get back to work! As we went through the stuff on our lists, the therapists assisted us in classifying them according to which love language they belonged to.

  • Quality time

  • Receiving gifts/tasks

  • Nonsexual Physical touch

  • Sexual touch/erotic pleasure

  • Words of affirmation

Guess which one mine were pretty much all in? But the therapist did bring out the fact that many of those erotic/sexual things also were interlaced with deeper things, like quality time, acts of service/tasks and even some positive affirmations. It wasn’t just getting off physically it involved deeper emotional things.

Arwyn struggled a bit more in classifying her list, and she seemed pretty evenly scattered among them all except the sexual/erotic bit has yet to make an appearance. No surprise there. The thing is, is that I am presently doing most of the things that were on her top 10 list. Part of the reason is that early in our marriage I wasn’t doing much of anything, which one could argue that I am paying for dearly today. I am doing tons more now than I ever did before and pouring myself more into our marriage and relationship. I know her “love language” is more diverse and I try to hit multiple spots multiple times. I do need to make more of an effort, tho, in being more consistent. It’s been a lot of work.

I was pretty nervous reading that list out loud, as it really is pretty racy and lopsided. I voiced some concern about that, and the therapist said just go along with it. He was able to expand on it and make it so it wasn’t so purely one-dimensional. The earlier 1:1 session he and I did plus some feedback from you guys helped me find that deeper dimension beyond just feeling good and getting off. It really is about intimacy, and I was able to better describe what intimacy looks like to me. I know it doesn’t look like that for most of you, and definitely not for Arwyn, but that doesn’t make it any less.

It was a bit of an intense therapy but Arwyn and I didn’t really have a chance to debrief and decompress from that and that may be part of the problem. We needed to follow up that session by talking about it but never did. I think that would catch up to us a few days later.

Last weekend, we were busy doing various things and I was hoping we would find time to connect in a way that I might like. We spent family time in several ways that Arwyn likes, and I was feeling a bit left behind as it had been a couple of weeks. So I came on to her late in the evening, and she was not into it at all. She was more keen on watching the Olympics. I like the Olympics, too. Afterall, I was the one who had turned them on in the first place. But I had my own version of the breast stroke in mind that did not involve going to an exotic country or competing for a medal. However, Arwyn was glued to the tube. Later, she blamed me for turning the TV on, for not coming to her earlier in the evening, for not being more explicit in my intentions. We had a bit of a spat about it and I was not happy that she seemed to be okay with staying up so late watching TV more than being with me. It’s as if that last therapy session just never happened or she completely forgot everything I said. I suggested us going over the rest of our lists together later, but she didn’t seem too keen on that.

Oh well. It does give me extra energy to hit the stepmat, which I need to do. I’m working on some video of that, actually so stay tuned for that!


4 Responses to I have no idea what Olympic event this would be…

  1. aphron says:

    It’s good to read about the progress you’re making. It takes a lot of time for things to improve. It takes a lot of work. I’m not sure what else you can do. How does someone go about righting the wrongs of the past? How does someone let go of past hurts? I don’t have the answer. Arwyn is making steps into the right direction. That is very positive. Human beings always want MORE, though. Hang in there.

    I’m not sure that the sex thing will ever be where you want it to be. It IS making strides towards “normalcy”. Good for you.

  2. Desmond Jones says:

    “. . .enough angsty stuff to hold your interest, especially those prone to giving advice.”

    OK, point taken. . .

    But you’re still miles down the road from the days of one shagging in two years. . . Keep the momentum going. . .

  3. So Gone says:

    I think that you guys are making strides, as you’ve noted. Like Aphron, I’m not sure things are ever going to be sexually exactly where you want them, but at least you are getting closer and closer to that ideal as time passes.

  4. C-Marie says:

    Yes! Yes! Yes!(totally non-orgasmic there) It looks like great strides have been taking place. I’m really happy for you guys and I’m convinced that with time, you’ll be able to find the intimacy you’ve been looking for – Arwyn too, for that matter!

    I can hardly wait for the next video ~
    Now pass that torch and get on the stepmat!

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