Day #13 of our vacation and we are on the last leg of it at my parents house. For the first time since we left the house, we actually have a room of our own. Together, with no kids in it. And a door. That shuts.
Okay, it does happen to be right next to my parents’ room, but they are staying up late with the TV blaring pretty loud. While Arwyn and I have been getting along decently most of the time, other times have been stressful. The lack of physical intimacy has been a pretty big and glaring concern of mine but I’ve tried to roll with it. Last year, at her Dad’s, we had this somewhat humorous slapfest. This year, I’d wake up and go to hug her and be affectionate. She would sometimes sort of acknowledge me, but would mostly move away. And that was that. I did not press the issue if she appeared anything less than receptive. And that has been the case most of the time. Sometimes she’d go for some hugging and kissing for a time.
When getting turned down or rejected, I’ve been trying to find alternative diversions. One such diversion is revealed in a podcast that will hopefully precede this blog post. Since my folks are still on dial-up, I may post that after this or just do them both at once, since I do have two blogs.
Tonight finds me in our room, alone whilst Arwyn is sleeping in the basement with the boys. This is an odd thing and I’m not sure what to make of it. There might be a more logical explanation other than her avoiding me, but I’m not sure what it is. I was hoping we could take some time to connect or touch base or something but it hasn’t turned out that way. So this is a good chance to blog and get in touch with myself and my feelings. Or just touch myself and feel myself up.
Anyway, it’s nice to have some blogging material after being off for so long although I’d rather have more brief posts like Satan used to have…
But it’s still no, no, no, no, no and no again.
There’s been some good times with our families and the kids and we’ve all held up very well under the circumstances of several thousand miles on the road. We have more good times to come as of writing this. But there’s always that one long shadow hanging about.
There’s nothing like a frustrating vacation to make a body start looking forward to getting back to work!
This is day 17 of our vacation and it is rapidly coming to a close. In fact we’ll be starting the drive back to Georgia in a few hours. We’ve had a pretty good time most of the time, and it’s been good seeing family we haven’t seen in a long time as well as Arwyn’s and my parents and siblings.
In the previous entry, I was all frustrated about Arwyn sleeping downstairs with the kids. It turns out she was trying to escape the blaring of the TV. She did return after the TV was shut off. I mentioned to my parents the next night that their TV was kind of loud and they had no problems turning it down. It was just one of those things.
Arwyn and I did have a brief discussion about us reconnecting physically when we get back home. She said she was looking forward to it. I’m unsure how much I really and truly believe that.
One of the cardinal traits that I would pin on a low libido person, if I were so inclined (and I am right now) is how they handle the tension between inhibitions versus desire. It seems that the inhibitions win every single time. And some of us are married to people with tons of inhibitions. So they may in fact not necessarily have low desire so much as they have such high inhibitions. The result is exactly the same whether low desire or high inhibition. And there might be a combination of the two working together. Maybe they just go together..
I thought back to a time I brought a girl from Alabama to my boyhood home. Bama Girl and I did have sex in the room next to my parents’ room. It was a quickie, but it was still pretty hot. She was pretty straightlaced but the the difference between her and Arwyn was that Bama Girl seemed to have more desire for me than she had inhibitions. And that is saying alot because she seemed like such a shy’ quiet and reserved person most of the time.
As for me, I do have a few morals and a sense of what is “proper” in a conventional sense. I wouldn’t have sex in front of the children or out in plain sight in front of my parents. I’d also not really want them hearing us have sex. So I sort of get some of Arwyn’s inhibitions. They are real and understandable.
But there comes a point where my desire cancels out inhibitions. I know my body isn’t built like a young athlete and I don’t have the looks of Mel Gibson or Mr. McDreamy. I get that. But my desire for sex, and more to the point; my wife, outweighs my inhibitions about how I look when I’m buck naked. This seems to be a huge deal with many (or most women) where their inhibitions hold with their more carnal desires in check.
I want to be desired in such a way that inhibitions will be discarded or at least minimized sometimes. I’d like my wife to say (or at least think) “Fuck it! Let’s get busy right now while the kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine!” Or maybe we could form the beast with two backs in a room next to where my parents are because it has been a whole month since we last had sex and we don’t want to wait anymore.
I like someone with a healthy set of morals and values that hopefully help inspire me to be a better person. I suppose one reason why I have the whole prim and proper school marm fantasy is because there is something in me that appreciates strong inhibitions, but also yearns for those inhibitions to be overcome with desire for me!
It just now occurs to me that I associate strong moral values with inhibitions. Higher inhibitions = stronger moral values. Is that true? But the fantasy entails those strong inhibitions being overcome with desire and passion. Are strong moral values equal to high inhibitions? Are inhibitions always a contradiction to sexual passion? Can one have high morals and still have unbridled lust for their spouse? How did this dichotomy between sex and moral values come about? If it is incorrect, then why does the relationship between inhibitions and sexual desire seem to be so inversely proportional? And why does this inverse relationship seem to be so common?
One of my favorite bloggers who seems to defy some of this is Therese, who seems to have some pretty strong morale values and yet has a ….erm…healthy appetite for her husband. He, on the otherhand, seems to sometime be more apt to fall victim to the propriety v lustful desire trap, the whole affair notwithstanding..
Hey, I’m just musing here. All I know is, is that the whole relationship between high inhibitions and lack of desire on the part of my spouse is hacking my groove while making me feel like I’m wrong for feeling the desire I do feel for my wife.
Also check out Therese’s treatment and extension of this topic.