Vacation Blogs

This is just a bit of blogging I did on our vacation to get you all caught up. But first, look at the earlier video/podcast on my other blog. Also check out some Unsolicited Advice for FTN.

07/13/2008

Sunday

Day #13 of our vacation and we are on the last leg of it at my parents house. For the first time since we left the house, we actually have a room of our own. Together, with no kids in it. And a door. That shuts.

Okay, it does happen to be right next to my parents’ room, but they are staying up late with the TV blaring pretty loud. While Arwyn and I have been getting along decently most of the time, other times have been stressful. The lack of physical intimacy has been a pretty big and glaring concern of mine but I’ve tried to roll with it. Last year, at her Dad’s, we had this somewhat humorous slapfest. This year, I’d wake up and go to hug her and be affectionate. She would sometimes sort of acknowledge me, but would mostly move away. And that was that. I did not press the issue if she appeared anything less than receptive. And that has been the case most of the time. Sometimes she’d go for some hugging and kissing for a time.

When getting turned down or rejected, I’ve been trying to find alternative diversions. One such diversion is revealed in a podcast that will hopefully precede this blog post. Since my folks are still on dial-up, I may post that after this or just do them both at once, since I do have two blogs.

Tonight finds me in our room, alone whilst Arwyn is sleeping in the basement with the boys. This is an odd thing and I’m not sure what to make of it. There might be a more logical explanation other than her avoiding me, but I’m not sure what it is. I was hoping we could take some time to connect or touch base or something but it hasn’t turned out that way. So this is a good chance to blog and get in touch with myself and my feelings. Or just touch myself and feel myself up.

Anyway, it’s nice to have some blogging material after being off for so long although I’d rather have more brief posts like Satan used to have…

Yes.

Yes.

YES!

But it’s still no, no, no, no, no and no again.

There’s been some good times with our families and the kids and we’ve all held up very well under the circumstances of several thousand miles on the road. We have more good times to come as of writing this. But there’s always that one long shadow hanging about.

There’s nothing like a frustrating vacation to make a body start looking forward to getting back to work!

D.

07/17/2008

This is day 17 of our vacation and it is rapidly coming to a close. In fact we’ll be starting the drive back to Georgia in a few hours. We’ve had a pretty good time most of the time, and it’s been good seeing family we haven’t seen in a long time as well as Arwyn’s and my parents and siblings.

In the previous entry, I was all frustrated about Arwyn sleeping downstairs with the kids. It turns out she was trying to escape the blaring of the TV. She did return after the TV was shut off. I mentioned to my parents the next night that their TV was kind of loud and they had no problems turning it down. It was just one of those things.

Arwyn and I did have a brief discussion about us reconnecting physically when we get back home. She said she was looking forward to it. I’m unsure how much I really and truly believe that.

One of the cardinal traits that I would pin on a low libido person, if I were so inclined (and I am right now) is how they handle the tension between inhibitions versus desire. It seems that the inhibitions win every single time. And some of us are married to people with tons of inhibitions. So they may in fact not necessarily have low desire so much as they have such high inhibitions. The result is exactly the same whether low desire or high inhibition. And there might be a combination of the two working together. Maybe they just go together..

I thought back to a time I brought a girl from Alabama to my boyhood home. Bama Girl and I did have sex in the room next to my parents’ room. It was a quickie, but it was still pretty hot. She was pretty straightlaced but the the difference between her and Arwyn was that Bama Girl seemed to have more desire for me than she had inhibitions. And that is saying alot because she seemed like such a shy’ quiet and reserved person most of the time.

As for me, I do have a few morals and a sense of what is “proper” in a conventional sense. I wouldn’t have sex in front of the children or out in plain sight in front of my parents. I’d also not really want them hearing us have sex. So I sort of get some of Arwyn’s inhibitions. They are real and understandable.

But there comes a point where my desire cancels out inhibitions. I know my body isn’t built like a young athlete and I don’t have the looks of Mel Gibson or Mr. McDreamy. I get that. But my desire for sex, and more to the point; my wife, outweighs my inhibitions about how I look when I’m buck naked. This seems to be a huge deal with many (or most women) where their inhibitions hold with their more carnal desires in check.

I want to be desired in such a way that inhibitions will be discarded or at least minimized sometimes. I’d like my wife to say (or at least think) “Fuck it! Let’s get busy right now while the kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine!” Or maybe we could form the beast with two backs in a room next to where my parents are because it has been a whole month since we last had sex and we don’t want to wait anymore.

I like someone with a healthy set of morals and values that hopefully help inspire me to be a better person. I suppose one reason why I have the whole prim and proper school marm fantasy is because there is something in me that appreciates strong inhibitions, but also yearns for those inhibitions to be overcome with desire for me!

It just now occurs to me that I associate strong moral values with inhibitions. Higher inhibitions = stronger moral values. Is that true? But the fantasy entails those strong inhibitions being overcome with desire and passion. Are strong moral values equal to high inhibitions? Are inhibitions always a contradiction to sexual passion? Can one have high morals and still have unbridled lust for their spouse? How did this dichotomy between sex and moral values come about? If it is incorrect, then why does the relationship between inhibitions and sexual desire seem to be so inversely proportional? And why does this inverse relationship seem to be so common?

One of my favorite bloggers who seems to defy some of this is Therese, who seems to have some pretty strong morale values and yet has a ….erm…healthy appetite for her husband. He, on the otherhand, seems to sometime be more apt to fall victim to the propriety v lustful desire trap, the whole affair notwithstanding..

Hey, I’m just musing here. All I know is, is that the whole relationship between high inhibitions and lack of desire on the part of my spouse is hacking my groove while making me feel like I’m wrong for feeling the desire I do feel for my wife.

D.

Also check out Therese’s treatment and extension of this topic.

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9 Responses to Vacation Blogs

  1. 2amsomewhere says:

    Digger writes:

    One of the cardinal traits that I would pin on a low libido person, if I were so inclined (and I am right now) is how they handle the tension between inhibitions versus desire. It seems that the inhibitions win every single time. And some of us are married to people with tons of inhibitions. So they may in fact not necessarily have low desire so much as they have such high inhibitions. The result is exactly the same whether low desire or high inhibition. And there might be a combination of the two working together. Maybe they just go together..

    I thought back to a time I brought a girl from Alabama to my boyhood home. Bama Girl and I did have sex in the room next to my parents’ room. It was a quickie, but it was still pretty hot. She was pretty straightlaced but the the difference between her and Arwyn was that Bama Girl seemed to have more desire for me than she had inhibitions. And that is saying alot because she seemed like such a shy’ quiet and reserved person most of the time.

    As for me, I do have a few morals and a sense of what is “proper” in a conventional sense. I wouldn’t have sex in front of the children or out in plain sight in front of my parents. I’d also not really want them hearing us have sex. So I sort of get some of Arwyn’s inhibitions. They are real and understandable.

    But there comes a point where my desire cancels out inhibitions. I know my body isn’t built like a young athlete and I don’t have the looks of Mel Gibson or Mr. McDreamy. I get that. But my desire for sex, and more to the point; my wife, outweighs my inhibitions about how I look when I’m buck naked. This seems to be a huge deal with many (or most women) where their inhibitions hold with their more carnal desires in check.

    Schnarch’s larger work contains an interesting discussion on this point.

    One of the passive-aggressive things my wife did a few years back when she wanted new flooring put in was to have installers add extra padding to the carpet so that the door to our bedroom wasn’t usable. She had the door removed and then later pointed to it as a reason that she didn’t want to have sex. Never mind that the kids’ rooms across the hall still had doors and they were still both in cribs.

  2. Dave says:

    It is an interesting balance, I think. For years, I’d have said that we were very inhibited, in a lot of ways. There is definitely a relationship between the morals and the inhibitions in what I’ve seen- and it’s only in the last few years, that the wanting has overcome the inhibitions.

    Good post, thanks

  3. Hey, Digger! How nice to see my name referenced here in such a positive way! I wrote up a long post that addresses your questions because it was too long for a comment.

  4. C-Marie says:

    Well… I feel like you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth? The thoughts right our of my head? The emotions right out of my gut? For whatever reasons, this does make a lot of sense. I think overcoming most of our inhibitions can be traced to becoming confident with the one we love/desire. The love/relationship I thought I had with JM, led to a powerful confidence within me – no matter what, feeling that he loved me for who I was and the feeling that as a woman, I couldn’t fail. The inhibitions were replaced with acceptance and admiration. (I could go on and on…but I’ll spare you.)
    Plus, there’s the good old addage: When there’s a will, There’s a way.

  5. aphron says:

    I understand what you’re saying. I think we have that line that cannot be crossed. The location of that line is different. However, Arwyn’s “inhibitions” cannot be allowed to rule the roost. If you were doing something kinky, I’d understand. Straight forward sex is not about inhibitions inside the marriage. Arwyn was able to use these situations to her advantage. Also, she is able to put you off by indicating that sex will happen at home. Change may be incremental, but there has to be signs of change.

  6. FTN says:

    I wrote a bit about this on Therese’s post. I’m not sure how much of a correlation there is between high inhibitions and high morals. I guess it depends what you classify as inhibitions, and how you are defining “high morals.” I don’t think it’s a direct causation, because, for instance, I don’t feel as though my morals are any less than my wife’s. Yet our inhibitions seem to be quite a ways apart.

    Sure, there are plenty of people that were raised in a painfully tight environment in which sex was either not discussed, or discussed in a very negative manner. And they may have a lot of inhibitions as a result. But there are also many people that break free of that. And many of the people with the inhibitions today aren’t necessarily a result of societal factors — they just don’t like sex (or the aspects of sex) as much as the next person. I don’t even think it always has to do with morals, it’s just a preference. Or the “eww factor,” of course.

  7. Desmond Jones says:

    To my mind a ‘correlation’ between ‘morals’ and ‘inhibitions’ is pretty much of a non sequitur. Certainly, there are moral ‘rules’ that apply, and the line between what’s a ‘moral restriction’ and what’s an ‘inhibition’ can have a lot of cross-talk. I won’t do a threesome because it would be immoral, even though the idea might be attractive to a certain part of my (fallen) mind; my wife might just think it would be disgusting. So, which is the ‘moral’ objection, and which is the ‘inhibition’?

    But, even within the bounds of morality, there’s lots of room for joyful, creative sexual fun, and the old stereotype of the Catholic family with a boatload of kids gives at least a partial refutation of the notion that Catholics are sexually ‘repressed’. . .

    I think, too, if I can cite Therese as a rather different kind of example, of her ‘ewww factor’ with the idea of cross-nursing babies. Nothing immoral there, but it sure seems to have a large ‘yuck factor’. . .

  8. therese says:

    Yes, Desmond, you found an inhibition! lol
    I have a HUGE “ick” response to cross nursing, even though there isn’t any moral reason I can think to support it!

  9. diggerjones says:

    2am -thanks for sharing that link about the politics of the bedroom door. I may end up reading that book, too, if I ever finish the Rosenau one.

    Interesting how the morals bit took over my thoughts on inhibitions-desire tension. I’m just glad that you’ve gotten to the point where the wanting has overcome the inhibitions, Dave!

    I’ll be visiting and commenting Therese! While I have several female bloggers on my blogroll who have higher desires and lower inhibitions, you’re the only one who puts the moral parts right out there in front alongside the desire parts.

    I hadn’t thought as much about the inhibitions/confidence relationship, C-Marie, but that’s an excellent point. Someone who is more secure will feel more comfortable in letting their guard down. Insecure people might tend to have higher inhibitions in certain areas. But it can also lead to the opposite sort of behavior, too.

    I get what you’re saying Aphron: inhibitions could be just another type of excuse. I’ve certainly encountered that often enough before. Inhibitions, by definition are a type of avoidance.

    I think the ideas about high morals sort of took over that portion of the post, FTN, especially in my questioning. While you and your wife have similar morals, there’s not doubt that the levels of inhibitions and desires are inversely related. The relationship between morals and desire is that sort of fantasy tipping point where the “good” person suddenly decides to go bad because of desire…for YOU!

    Well, yeah Desmond. For YOU the moral/inhibition argument doesn’t fit. But I’ve seen and experienced the apparent relationship more than once. Perhaps the morals become just an excuse for an apparent “Eeeewww Factor” inhibition, and therefore are just misused and abused and I would agree with that assessment.

    I had to look up cross-nursing. I’m guessing someone could make a moral case out of it in order to justify their inhibitions.

    It just came to me why there is such a relationship. Basically, if something is an inhibition it is a case of “I’m uncomfortable with doing that, but it’s okay if you want to do it” vs “It’s not okay for me to do that, and neither is it okay for YOU to do it, either.”

    So if Therese says that cross nursing is icky for her but if others want to do it, that’s fine; that is an inhibition of hers. However, if she says cross-nursing is WRONG, she is making a moral issue of it.

    And there are several people who define oral sex as WRONG. Having sex in your parents’ or in-laws’ house is WRONG and violates some sort of moral code. These seem to be examples of abusing or at least stretching the moral law too far.

    D.

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