I hate this freaking mountain

From the highest highs to the lowest lows,

Where it ends, no one knows,

It just goes and flows.

Downhill.

It’s not Mt. Everest, it’s bloody Mt. Doom!

So one would think after a good time last week, that there might be something to look forward to the next week.  One would think.

Arwyn isn’t into the whole “date night” business.  Friday came, and she was not feeling up to it.  Frankly there was no enthusiasm in her attitude at all and I could clearly see it.  I had spent some effort and energy actually looking forward to it, so you can imagine where I went.  But in case you can’t, I’ll fill you in.

I confronted her on the fact that she really was not committed to this and her response was silence mostly.  I asked what she was thinking.

“I’m trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words.”

“Do you know what you’re feeling?”

“Not really.”

Egad.

There’s a million and one excuses, and I’ve heard most of them.  There really was no excuse this time except pretty much laziness on her part and the whole avoider thing kicking in for her, and subsequently for me.  After waiting for 45 minutes in silence for her to get her shit together, I opted to run to the store.  I did record a podcast on the way, but I’m not sure that will ever see the light of day.

I had kind of a fall-back consolation thing going, where she was planning on taking the boys and visiting her mother this week.  That fell through because her mother said that Florida was too hot and she sounded like she was discouraging them from coming down.  Cripes.  As if Georgia wasn’t.  So the alone-time I was looking forward to this week is pretty much not going to happen.  If I didn’t have other things to tend to this week around here, I’d consider a road trip of my own.

Back to the main point; date night hasn’t really worked the way it’s supposed to since we started.  We tried this a few years ago, BC (Before Cage) and it was exactly the same thing.  Same exact thing.  I was put off time and again, and the wheels just fell off because there was no follow-through or commitment or anything else.  During this discussion, Arwyn did begin the old argument of “It’s just about sex with you!”  Now it is somewhat true that I have been thinking about it more recently.  However I have also been working on helping to meet the “family time” need of hers as well as other ways of helping her out and listening to her.  So I asked her what she would have me do differently.  No answer.

One thing I definitely could do differently is handle the disappointment in a better fashion.  I see the confrontational approach as trying it differently, but I’m not sure simply being different is the same as being better.  I’d just finally had it after being pushed back time and time again.  While last week was enjoyable, it was still tarnished by the stuff leading into it.  It would be nice to have an enjoyable time without having to wade backwards through a lake of crap first.

D.

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13 Responses to I hate this freaking mountain

  1. Rosie says:

    REMEMBER, you are no longer in this alone. TELL the Therapist!! Tell her exactly what you just shared here, especially the fact that you sought information and understanding, waited 45 minutes for it to come spilling out. Let the therapist do the same thing and see how long the wait might be. And if you are disappointed, why is it wrong to show the disappointment? You have every right to your feelings and the right to express them. Let the therapist help articulate things for you AND require Arwyn to respond to the feelings SHE is eliciting from you. She should take responsibility. Try not to give up, yet!!

  2. Farmwife says:

    I agree with Rosie. I would certainly drag this into the limelight at therapy — WHY is she so determined to stay away from any private time with you?

    She is completely blowing off the emotional connection that you need to have with her in order to HAVE a marriage.

  3. Dave says:

    Seems to have been seconded, so I’ll simply agree with Rosie and Farmwife. You certainly should be allowed to have your own feelings, and to express them. Any implication, by word or attitude or deed, that your feelings are less important, is simply wrong.
    Hang in there, talk to the therapist.

  4. diggerjones says:

    Thanks, Rosie, Farmwife and Dave. Yeah, I pretty much plan on letting it all hang out with the therapist. This will be a solo session, so Arwyn won’t be there, but the next couple of sessions, we are planning on going jointly. If nothing else, I do notice that the whole therapy gig does seem to build in some sort of accountability that wouldn’t otherwise be there. I’m betting she comes around before the next session just because even if she doesn’t think much of me, she does care what the therapist thinks and says.

    But there’s mitigating circumstances coming ’round the bend in the form of hand surgery next week for her, so that will put a damper on the hot times while requiring me to step up. That’s going to be difficult.

    D.

  5. aphron says:

    I’d agree with the above sentiments. I might add that Arwyn has to change herself. Until she actually wants to, no amount of therapy will alter that. Obviously, there is something very deep going on with her. She probably needs a lot of intensive therapy one on one. I’m not sure what the answer is.

    For her to say it’s only about sex is telling. A healthy, sexual relationship is key in a marriage. Sex keeps the couple connected. Or connection keeps the couple sexual.

    Hang in there.

  6. Desmond Jones says:

    Digger, you know I’m always on the side of your marriage, and being good to your promise, and building on the commitment you’ve made to each other. So please keep that as the ‘baseline’ for what I say next. . .

    If even now, after you’ve made so much ‘progress’, she still has an aversion to “sex with you”, I’d be sorely tempted to say: You know what? If you can’t stand to have sex with me, then kiss me goodbye, and go find someone you can stand to have sex with. I give you my blessing; go in peace. ‘Cuz this ‘I can’t stand to have sex with you‘ thing is absolutely destructive of anything like a marriage between the two of us. Do you think I want to feel like I’ve trapped you, by our mutual vows, in a repugnant situation? I don’t. Etc, etc, etc.

    But then, I don’t deal so well with frustration or rejection, either, so you might not want to jump right into that approach.

    Honestly, what Rosie said is right on the money. Arwyn needs to get her crap out in plain sight, so y’all can deal with it. It’s starting to seem like it might yet get pretty messy before it’s all said and done.

    I do admire your integrity, Digger, for not bagging it a long time ago; I’m not sure I could have done the same. . .

  7. Rosie says:

    AND… Desmond has some really good points. Sex after all is NOT really just sex. It is intimacy, and conversation, and closeness, and wanting that all with that one other person. IF she doesn’t want all of that with anyone, not even you, she needs to set you free AND take responsibility for the decision.

  8. Emily says:

    I have total sympathy, Digger, but I’m not sure I agree with the developing concensus here.

    I’ve had an uneasy feeling for a little while, despite progress. One of the things that makes me uneasy is the apparent lack of progress in Arwyn getting off during your sessions. I’m sure that’s very frustrating for you, too, but even more so for her.

    Speaking from experience, it’s very difficult to get enthusiastic about sex if, every time you start to get into it, it’s all over. If your partner always seems to get off, but you never do. Many women turn off sex for that reason. It becomes so frustrating and depressing that it’s just not worth the trouble.

    Arwyn’s ban on anything other than penetration does make things tough in that respect, but I can’t help feeling that more could be done. You can try to “squeeze” technique to stop yourself coming. You could also try giving yourself an orgasm some time before these sessions so that you are able to last a bit longer. Other readers may have other thoughts and your therapist may have some ideas.

    The other thing that gives me some concern is the extent to which you measure progress by instances of sex. Of course, it’s an important indicator of progress, but it’s not the only one, and it’s not necessarily the most important one from Arwyn’s point of view.

    It’s just that the current set-up seems to be all about getting Arwyn to do what you want. I wonder where the quid pro quo is. What are you accountable for?

    Maybe “date” night should alternate between sex and some other activity chosen by her. Maybe you two and the therapist could talk about some other measures of success to add to the sex issue.

    But most of all, you really need to hear what the issues are from Arwyn. It’s Arwyn who holds the keys here, not you or the therapist or any of your readers. If she can’t open up “on the spot”, how about a letter? How about a conversation with you after she’s sorted through her feelings with the therapist?

  9. C-Marie says:

    Oh yeah – I agree with all the others here… Arwyn reminds me of JM. There’s always a reason or an excuse to shut out intimacy – which I’m sure they only view as just having sex. It isn’t just about sex.. it’s making or recreating that connection. We’re so busy with the usual responsibilities in our lives that we forget to be responsible with each other or rather, to the relationship. Unfortunately, they don’t see it that way.
    No matter what has gone on in my day or week… I’m always willing to make time for other important matters – the human matters.
    With the therapist involved, Arwyn will have to be held accountable and hopefully in due time, the exposure of things can help to get to the bottom of things.
    Hang in there… xxoo

  10. Rosie says:

    Now Emily has some important points. As I rememeber the date night concept in therapy it was non-sexual as the point was to be conversation, a chance to reconnect, talk without any distractions. HOW did your date night become sexual? When the therepist outlined the concept how was it described?

    And as Emily has noted it is important that the “ban on anything except penetration” be made known. Wish we could be a fly on the wall for that discourser, and hear how the therepist’s suggestions for that dynamic.

  11. Cat says:

    Everyone has made very good points and I especially appreciate Emily’s. But I don’t know if it’s fair to say date night has become all about sex. From what I am reading Arwyn isn’t even committed to a date on date night, or date night for that matter. Less say what you may or may not do. It seemed to me date night was about you two scheduling child free time together once a week…I doubt if she had suggested something else instead you would have turned down any form of intimacy from her I guess that is what I mean. And I hate to tote out stats and averages since it appears Arwyn has some very serious issues. But how can you NOT be about sex considering how little of it you have? I am sure you are afraid to put the subject on the back burner when past experience has proven she can go months or years without it. I don’t envy you because Emily is right Arwyn is holding the keys and how can you make decisions when you don’t have any idea what is going on behind her actions or lack of action? But Desmond is also right “I can’t stand sex with you” is destructive, so very… I guess at this point the therapist is the only way to try to get answers. Because operating in the dark, not really knowing what is going on in Arwyn’s head is definitely not going to work.

  12. Desmond Jones says:

    To repeat – I am absolutely on the side of your marriage, of working thru whatever needs to be worked thru.

    But Arwyn needs to understand how incredibly, kick-in-the-gut, tear-down-the-house destructive is the attitude of ‘I like sex, just not sex with you‘. If she’s really committed to the marriage, can’t maintain that attitude. . .

  13. […] in my last post on the subject I was feeling a bit frustrated.  Emily made a comment and expressed a thought or […]

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