Doing Mt. Everest

High time for an update, I would say. And that for a couple of reasons. First, I need to keep the story moving and second I need to pave the way for an upcoming blogging blitz. I need to finish a couple of books and I need to blog them, just to make sure I can internalize them. So stand by for that, as it should be fun.


I also plan on visiting you all more and clean up my blogroll. Like my garden, there are a lot of dead spots that need to be culled out and filled up with some new blogs that I’ve been reading.

And now for the update…

When last I blogged, we were having some problems getting it together for date night. In fact, the one Wednesday she managed to come through has been the one and only time that we’ve managed to get together for date night. During the last joint session, I brought up the fact that sex hadn’t happened since the last session (Over two weeks, since he had been sick) and Arwyn said it was hard to get into it because I seemed a bit lackadaisical about it the way I behaved. I didn’t seem overly enthused. So I put it this way:

Basically, getting enthused and ramped up for date night is an unmitigated disaster for me. Something will invariably come up and date night gets canceled. All that energy put into anticipation and enthusiasm becomes dashed to pieces in disappointment. Emotionally, the toll is too high to pay when it happens time after time after time. Basically, 90% of the time, date night does not happen. I can cope with some disappointment sometimes, but not at the high rate that it happens when it comes to planning sex. So it is easier not anticipating and taking a more laid back approach so I’m not shattered by disappointment. Devoting a lot of energy in the build-up and excitement translates into anger, bitterness and resentment when it does not happen. Okay, so she experiences pressure. But she needs to decide. Enthusiasm = pressure, so which does she want? It’s a tricky, tricky thing.

The therapist offered this compromise: if date night falls through on Friday night, then we’ll get together on Saturday night as a fall-back. Okay, I can try that. Arwyn also went for it. So here comes Friday and…

It falls through. I’m feeling under the weather but am willing to hold to the commitment, but she is too tired. So, here comes Saturday. Nothing. Sunday, she finally says that we can get together on Tuesday night. Okay, fine. But I’m not holding my breathe here. In the meantime, She has a solo session with the therapist that evening and I have no idea what happened, but she did stick with her promise. We did have an interesting experience, which I’ll share in a moment, but there’s still more water to travel under this bridge, just to clear away all the refuse.

So we had sex on Tuesday, and I’m wondering what Friday will bring, since we seem to have had sex already this week. So Friday comes and I’m in the bedroom reading or watching TV. She comes in and gets ready for bed so I get ready for bed, too. Yes, I’m tired but we start kissing and generally making out which amps up my energy level considerably. Then, here it comes; “I’m tired and going to sleep.”


Oh well. That’s been the way it has gone. I had a fitful night of sleeping and waking but made it through. The next morning, she woke up and as I was leaving the house for an early appointment, she said “Can we have some husband and wife time tonight?”


Okay?Just okay?”

Yeah, okay if you want.”

There was that lack of enthusiasm thing again, but I’m better off not getting psyched when disappointment looms large around every opportunity. There seems to be a dark cloud inside of every silver lining!

Okay, so we’re still struggling here. But as several of you have pointed out, this is still progress. It’s dirty, gritty, messy and difficult all the way, but progress is progress. It’s like fucking Mount Everest. You can freeze to death, lose a limb or plummet to your death. But you keep aiming for the summit, even when you are totally out of your mind. Perhaps especially when you are out of your mind.  And then there’s the trip back.

So let’s talk about the sex, sans the bitterness for a minute. The sex has been getting better, even with the freezing, snow-blowing storms all around. Our sex-script for the past 10 years or so goes like this:

She takes off most of her clothes except for panties.

She lies on the bed face down.

I give her a back rub, getting more and more turned on.

I finally start taking off her panties.

She rolls over and if I still have underwear on, she takes them off.

She gets on top.

She grinds around, and sometimes gets into it and sometime just seems to want me to hurry up and get it over with.

I get it over with.

My orgasm kicks her desire up and she decides to want more, but I’m spent.

She gets frustrated as I enter the refractory period.

Not much post-play. Usually she washes up/showers and I fall asleep.

Sometimes I get to be on top, which has happened more and more since we started trying to work on the sex life again.

A couple weeks ago, we changed it up in a major way.

There was no backrubbing but she and I got our clothes off straight away. I prefer more participatory and naked foreplay anyway, so this was refreshing. She came across the bed, and I met her and we just sort of came together sitting up and embraced. I’m sitting with my legs out and she’s on her knees as we embrace and kiss. She’s getting a bit more excited and so am I and she tries to grind into me, but she can’t get anywhere while she’s kneeling. So she finally wraps her legs around my waist, which does feel fabulous.

I’ve looked for this position on the internet, since the internet is a grand repository of all things sexual. But oddly enough I have yet to find this exact position. The closest is using a chair, but we’re both flat on the bed. According to another site, it does mention this variation but it is listed as an advanced position!

During our initial foray with this, we did not finish in this position. In fact, I don’t think there was any penetration before we moved on to the good ole missionary. But it was pretty hot.

So last Saturday, it was as easy as gravity trying this again. This time, Arwyn was very keen to really give this position a go. Getting inside of her proved to be a bit of a challenge, so we had to go into a sort of spider position in order for me to maneuver myself into her. And that itself was totally hot, hot, hot. That’s because it involved me waving my schwartz around and getting it into her using my hands. My hands have never gotten that close. But there I was and there she was. I had to do some work to get in there at that angle, but it was worth it. I got inside, she leaned forward, and I held on for dear life. She was definitely turned on and went for it.

I did not know this position was advanced at the time, but I can see why it is. A chair would definitely make it totally easier I think, especially with having some back support. Moving was really hard, but I really did go for it as she was getting into it more and more. My back was getting sore and my legs felt like they were cramping up. She was moving and grinding and holding on tight and seriously getting into it, and I am basically holding on for dear life. I was getting worn out! She finally quieted a bit and I needed a change in position. But no change was going to get my mojo back, as I really was all spent, energy-wise. And I did seriously try, and she even used her hands to try to bring me back to life. It felt really good, but the whole moment had passed. I did tell her that it was totally hot, though. Not getting off was not a huge deal to me as the novel experience was enough to fuel some major fantasies for quite some time.

I’m thinking a chair would really help, especially if we could both get our feet on the floor. She even mused about me getting my back against the headboard, but that won’t work as she has to have some place for her feet.

If I’m not mistaken, there might be one or two of you more experienced with the sitting position. What say you? I’m curious as to both male and female points of view with this. Having one more position in the repertoire definitely helps relieve the boredom factor. But the fatigue factor is a big one, at least for me the way we did it.

So there you have it. There’s some frustrating topography but there’s also some good experiences, too. It’s mostly a matter of us getting it together, and we are working on it. Our therapist is taking this week off and I’m up for a solo visit next time around. Her and the boys will be going to Florida that week, so we’ll be working on getting her ready this week. We’ll be busy but I’m looking forward to having some blog time that week


14 Responses to Doing Mt. Everest

  1. Rosie says:

    Yes in recent memory, the chair position works well. He who is sitting can really only use his hands, mouth, so your energy will be conserved. The person sitting on the sitter has to rather bounce up and down using the legs as pistons. So she can happily grind away.

  2. C-Marie says:

    It’s definitely a hot position! (yes, try it on a chair!) Wow, D… since when is it okay for you to have more sex? Creative sex, at that! (wiping my brow, here)

    Creative sex has walked out the door on me about 5 yrs ago…well, sex, in general, too. But your post takes me back to a time where a few of my romps will forever sizzle in my brain.

    I am happy for you.

  3. Tom Allen says:

    There was that lack of enthusiasm thing again, but I’m better off not getting psyched when disappointment looms large around every opportunity.

    I’m sure that you must have run across Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage” in which this situation is covered at length. I have to agree that you can’t take the blame for not being excited when being excited in the past has a) been seen a pressure and b) has caused some frustration. You have to give her some room to take some responsibility, which may include her begin in the mood when you’re not (hard to believe at this time, I’m sure).

    And this position is better with a chair, unless you’ve got back muscles of steel. One caveat: try to find an armless chair.

  4. Desmond Jones says:

    This sitting position has become one of our favorite ‘variations’ in recent years; we don’t use it a ton, but it’s a really nice ‘change of pace’.

    When we do it, I’m usually sitting on the edge of the bed; being able to get my feet on the floor seems to help my ‘leverage’. Also, I can spread/close my legs to sort of facilitate the penetration. We can get into a really nice, comfortable rhythm, and keep it going for quite a while.

    We don’t usually finish in that position, tho – like you say, when it comes time for coming (ahem), it can get to be quite a bit of work. Sometimes I just lay back, and it morphs into a sort-of ‘cowgirl’ variation, which works pretty well. Sometimes, we just ‘disengage’ and ‘reconfigure’ in order to finish. But we really like the dynamics of that sitting-facing position.

  5. Dave says:

    Any and all variations are welcome, it seems to me. Especially if it improves the odds of having her “get into it” before you’re completely done.

    Good for both of you!

  6. Cat says:

    I have to agree with C-Marie…

    I know it’s been a long slow climb but it appears you are making progress. I am happy for you.

  7. tajalude says:

    Digger, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure what I read in this post yesterday. I was reading it aloud to my husband for some reason, and he listened with interest. And then I clicked on the “spider” position, which led us to clicking on ALL the positions, which then led to us having sex, JUST FOR FUN, for the first time in 4 months.

    So thanks for that. I sincerely appreciate it.

  8. therese says:

    How we do the sitting position is either on the edge of the bed or on the couch. I recommend the bed. I’m on my knees over his lap, and the motion is up to me (which is helpful if the fellow happens to be tired), and we hold onto each other. Another variation is me sitting on his lap facing away. (I bet you never thought you’d get sex advice from me!)

    Both are very enjoyable and add nice variety to the mix.

    Congratulations on all your progress! It is so awesome to read how far you guys have come.

  9. diggerjones says:

    Thanks for the input, Rosie, although in my case my energy was definitely not conserved. I was still engaged in a lot of movement, or it seemed like it. Happy grinding!

    Well, C-Marie, it was inevitable that I might someday have more sex, since I had already had all the *less* sex that I could possibly have and still have it at all. I suppose it would be creative, or more likely accidental.

    Yeah, Tom, it is hard for me to imagine her being in the mood when I’m not. I’m pretty much always in the mood for sex but not all the crap surrounding it. And that’s 3 votes for a chair, for those keeping score at home.

    I do see the edge-of-the-bed variation being slightly more tenable for us, since Arwyn has an aversion to props of any sort. And the cowgirl variation sounds like it might work for us, Desmond. I’m hoping we can get some practice pretty soon!

    Yeah, Dave, her getting into it is the big huge bonus here. I can live with the fatigue and even slight back pain for that. And I can last a lot longer in that position.

    Yep, Cat. And sometimes there are slips which means I have to climb and cover the same ground *again*, but at least we’re moving in the right direction.

    Y’know, Taja, you did enter my mind as I was blogging this as I seem to remember you have some chair experience. Glad to see I could inspire something good for! So I’m wondering; which of those positions is your favorite? That visualization of reading my posts aloud…I’m still trying to get my mind around that as foreplay.

    Therese, I’ll take input from anyone whose courageous enough to share it! The kneeling part may or may not work so well as we’re a bit older and challenged in our joints. But that is two for the edge of the bed.


  10. xi summit says:

    Wow, who’d have thought it would be none other than Digger heading up such a rich and interesting discussion? If that’s not progess someone slap me, and hard!

    Can’t provide any advice on the details though, Queenie’s not up for anything but vanilla or some occasional chocolate so I got no experience to help there ….. though looks like plenty of others took care of that.

  11. Desmond Jones says:

    Just for the sake of clarity – when we do the edge-of-the-bed thing, her legs are wrapped around behind me, like what (I think) you describe here. Which means that, if I lay back, there’s a bit of shuffling involved with her moving her legs around, but we’re usually able to accomplish it without ‘disengaging’.

  12. FTN says:

    A late mention, as I’ve been away… An armless chair is good, if you can find a nice padded one. But even better is one of those soft video game rockers. Know what I’m talking about? They are low to the ground so both participant’s feet can be on the ground, they usually have no arm on the side, and they give room for plenty of movement (and rocking!).

    This isn’t the exact one we have, but a good example is something like this. Although ours was a lot cheaper.

  13. […] & Redemption A struggle for freedom « Doing Mt. Everest I hate this freaking mountain June 2, 2008 From the highest highs to the lowest […]

  14. […] few months back, we had probably the greatest breakthrough EVER as far as sexual intimacy. It was at a time when we were good all around. One night we approached […]

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