355

“A woman is a lot like an old car.  How many times on a cold morning, when you really needed it, she wouldn’t turn over?” – Rodney Dangerfield

I said I was going to vent, but then I didn’t have anything real specific to vent about.  But if I dig deep enough or hold out long enough, something is bound to turn up.  It always does.

Thinking on the discussion of my last post, it will be interesting to see if/when we ever get into moving in a more concrete direction and towards some tangible solutions.  Arwyn has been going along with this, which is more than I can say about any of the other things that I have tried.  That’s something, right there.  It will be interesting to see if she is the one to cut and run when or if we get into deeper waters.  She’s gotten better at introspection thanks somewhat to her 12-step group.  However, when it comes to actually doing something, she is a lot less committed and resilient.  That’s where I start to have problems with therapy based more on talk than actual behavior.  People seem to believe that they can talk themselves in to or out of anything regardless of what they actually do.  Verbal behavior is a starting point, but if that’s all there is, we might as well live apart and talk on the phone.

When I said Arwyn had turned her sleeping posture where her head is at my head, it’s worth pointing out that this is not a consistent thing.  Some nights, her head is at the other end of the bed but this seems to be happening less and less.  However, she is still wrapped in a totally separate blanket, so there isn’t even any shared body heat during the cold nights.  She’d rather wear extra layers of clothing.

This morning, I did try snuggling up a bit before the alarm went off.  I would classify this as trying to initiate something.  What I’m initiating, I’m not sure.  Physical intimacy of some sort, certainly.  I snuggled into her back and put my arm around her and when my hand landed on her breast, she didn’t jerk away.  But neither did I get any encouragement.  Of any sort.  In fact, Arwyn was inching over…in the opposite direction away from me until she finally spoke up and complained that I was pushing her off the bed.

It was a bit chilly because Arwyn had the fan on, but it became obvious that there was no warmth to be had there.  So I curled up completely under the blankets (which I suppose you could call my blankets) and determined that I needed to warm and comfort myself.  And then the alrm went off.  She felt around for my face to give me a good morning kiss and discovered I was totally underneath them, pulled them back,giggled and kissed me before padding off to the shower. 

We are coming up to a certain anniversary celibation I entitled last year 442.  That was the number of days we had gone without any sort of sexual encounter.  At this point we are at day 355.  If we get to 442 again, I don’t think it would be unfair to say that we might be beyond the skills of this particular Christian sex therapist.  We already have a baseline and it is pretty low.  It’s not as if we’re setting a high standard and asking to go to 2x a day here.  It just has to be better than the previous year.  How hard can that be?  Is that asking to much?

D.

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12 Responses to 355

  1. FTN says:

    I have conflicting thoughts on the sleeping issue. Granted, it’s obviously a symptom of a larger problem. But at the same time, it may just be how she is. She’s not a cuddler in bed. My wife isn’t a cuddler in bed. We don’t sleep on or against each other like they do in the movies. Sure, I can get up against her for awhile and she’s fine with that, but we rarely fall asleep that way. It’s just not what we’ve ended up doing on a regular basis for our sleeping-habits.

    The sleeping issue really bothers you, because to you it symbolizes the larger problems in your marriage. But I’d recommend looking at it separately. If you can get some other issues to change, this may be one battle not worth fighting. It doesn’t have to be a reflection on you, it may be just how Arwyn IS. She likes having her own space in bed. Like me, you are uber-affectionate, yet your wife is not.

    Remember there are a lot of couples that sleep in separate bedrooms, so it could be worse. And I won’t even mention the couples that are sexually happy and “fulfilled” that are sleeping in separate bedrooms, just because they like their space!

    Sadly, I can’t say the same thing for the 355 issue. That’s definitely a problem. Congratulations on nearly a year, though! I suggest getting Arwyn a cake. 😉

  2. Desmond Jones says:

    Would you take the levity if I said that my first, reflexive thought when I saw ‘355’ was “Digger, you did not just put on 170 lb. in the last month. . .”

    Nothing else to add, except hang in there, and give it your best shot. . .

  3. Farmwife says:

    Have you actually came out and told her that you two have had sex ONCE in 797 days?????

    Even she *HAS* to admit that there is a problem when she is made aware of those kind of numbers!!!

    Every woman in the world knows that you can NOT have a happy marriage that way — I’m guessing she has probably completely put it out of her mind –“oh, it hasn’t really been that long…”

    I think it’s time to lay those numbers out for her to really contemplate.

  4. diggerjones says:

    I think you’re right, FTN. It just makes a nice visual as it is a reflection of the entire relationship. But if were only a matter of sleeping space, I could live with that. I’m not saying it would be easy, but it is doable. The cake is a good idea, especially since I have yet to find any Hallmark cards that mark such occasions, which is a bit surprising since they seem to have cards for everything else. I wonder how many candles I’d need, as 365 seems a bit much.

    Ha, Desmond, I may have put on a pound or two but not quite that much! Yet.

    Oh yeah, Farmwife, she knows. That came out during our first counseling session, the fact that we’ve had sex once in the past 2 years. She did not dispute that at all. She expresses some embarrassment over it and I wouldn’t say she’s happy about it. But she doesn’t want to do anything about it, either.
    D.

  5. Cat says:

    I have to agree with FTN on the sleep issue. I can’t sleep if I am entangled with someone. It is actually one of the most annoying things for me. But I can’t even comment on the numbers. I am sure since you are the one living with them it’s probably hard to just accept Arwyn sleeping like a wrapped up mummy as her just being her. Hopefully improvement in the other areas will make the sleeping issue a little easier to take. And I do sincerely hope the therapy does help…

  6. Square1 says:

    Digger, would it surprise you to know that I’m not much of a cuddler in bed? I don’t mind snuggling when I’m awake and alert, but Mr. Muse is much larger than I am, and he has a habit of putting his arm in all the wrong locations, or leaning on me in a way that seems to crush the breath right out of me, and this does not make for enough comfort to sleep in. When I’m tired and ready to sleep, he often finds me pushing him away, or retreating to the other side of the bed as well. I don’t like being touched while I’m trying to sleep. Arwyn may or may not be the same way. And as to the blankets, Mr. Muse and I have to have seperate blankets, otherwise I’ll never stay warm at night. He hogs them all!

  7. Emily says:

    Well, personally, I can have sex any time, but wehn it comes to sleep, I like to sleep alone!

    I know the number looks bad, Digger. Hell, the number IS bad. But I have to say that I have actually had a sense of the ice thawing a bit at your house.

    Maybe you could spend some time focusing on what has been achieved lately, as well as on what hasn’t.

  8. aphron says:

    The pain in your marriage is palpable. I’m not sure there will be a resolution. Arwyn is making strides, and she probably feels that she is working hard. Sadly, I’m not sure any therapist can fix that problem. One episode of sex in over 2 years?!? My libido may be waning a bit due to my issues, but I don’t think I could take that. That is a testament to your faith in God and your commitment to your marriage. Arwyn HAS to see that. I’m not sure she is THAT committed.

    I don’t have any words of wisdom. I will offer prayers.

  9. MP says:

    I don’t think I’d be eager to have sex with someone who was so focused on tallying and score-keeping, even if it was enjoyable. That makes it sound like a test or a sport, with intense pressure to perform, not an intimate connection between two people who supposedly love each other. Has sex ever been enjoyable for Arwyn? Has it always been about ‘scoring’? What’s in it for her, besides a reset of the counter?

  10. Square1 says:

    Ay… MP, perhaps you would be more constructive were you to go back through about 2 years worth of posts in order to get the back story. Digger’s focus has been on more intimacy. He has made every attempt to bridge that gap… the numbers he presents are more of a thermometer, an indicator (not a precise measurement) of the frigid wasteland their marriage is in, though lately there seems to be a bit of a thaw occurring. Were this any other guy that ONLY complains of how his wife won’t sleep with him, I could see the validity in your comment. But just as numbers don’t equal intimacy, neither does one post equal the scope of a blogger’s attitude towards his wife and his marriage.

  11. MP says:

    Square1 – FYI, I’ve been reading this blog (and the others) since the very beginning. Perhaps you would be more constructive if you didn’t make assumptions.

  12. diggerjones says:

    What can I say, MP? It’s not like having ONE tally mark is that difficult. No real accounting skills necessary there. Sport? Test? What the hell sort of sport involves scoring once every other year? As far as a test, I suppose you might make the comparison, in which case it’s more akin to an eye test or a CPR renewal test than anything else, both of which occur a lot more often. It’s not about resetting the counter as much as simply checking in. Assuming the sex is bad, trying it out every so often just as a reminder would make some amount of sense.

    MP, if you’ve been around as long as you say you have been, you know my blog is the place where think, vent, rage, ponder and noodle out things. If you’ve been reading any of my friends, you also know that we have a bit of a propensity for keeping track of how good or bad we are doing. Intelligent people keep track of things; it’s what we do. Pregnant women measure how far they are along…why? Is it a sport? A test? Tallying the number of weeks makes them compulsive? No. It is simply measuring health and development of the baby. Sexual frequency is one measure of marital health. It’s not the only indicator, but minimizing it is a symptom of denial and ignorance.

    there are a lot of times when I could have been accused of tally marks and score keeping, e.g when locked in the cage when I was setting personal records and keeping track of days in or not in. Where were you then?

    Keeping track of developmental milestones isn’t about scoring. It’s about either being encouraged or getting motivated to do something. Losing 50 pounds was largely a function of keeping score, but that wasn’t the main reason for doing it. It’s difficult for me to imagine how anyone could be dedicated to any sort of self-improvement without knowing where they are or where they are going.
    D.

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