Okay, okay, okay

Alright already!


Nothing like telling the entire internet that you’re going to do something to put pressure on a body to actually do it, is there? And then the comments that dug it in, I was feeling like my back was against the wall!

But that’s sort of why I did it that way. I needed to corner myself in order to make escape futile. And it turns out that things just might fall together just right in order to make this happen in a profitable way. We’ll see.

I just happened to have some real loose time on my hands this afternoon where I couldn’t get any work done or already had done what it is I was trying to get done. I made that call and got right through to the fellow that I needed to talk to. He seemed nice enough over the phone. He sort of outlined his schedule and then we sort of got things together where I have an appointment next week. And it just so happens that Arwyn’s mother will be in town so I’m hoping she’ll be able to watch the boys for us if I can get her to go in for that initial consultation. Arwyn’s probably going to be feeling some king-sized pressure but this does put the ball squarely in her court. When I tell her about this, she’ll have to decide to go or not to go which will give me a more definitive answer as to her commitment one way or another. I suppose she could agree to go and still not be committed, but it would at least show a willingness to go through some motions which we haven’t even done that much up until now.

I did ask him his approach and he told me all about how he uses family systems, and likes to go back a couple of generations on the family system. This is a red flag for me, because while I see it is useful to learn from the past, one can not live back there. This is one reason why the 12 step approach seems so impotent to me is because Arwyn is spending all of her time back there in the past while ignoring the clear and present threat where she is at. I asked him if he had heard of Schnarch and he said he had used some of Schnarch’s material in his training so there was at least a glimmer of hope there. Remember his specialty is Christian sex therapy, so it will be interesting to see how he applies his eclectic tool kit here.

I was nervous as hell making that call, but felt better after making the appointment. But now I’m nervous as hell telling Arwyn about it.

We’ll see. Hang on to your butts.


11 Responses to Okay, okay, okay

  1. Rosie says:

    Am in agreement with you that “while it is useful to learn from the past, one can not live back there.” My Ex in spite of therapy was forever stuck in the past. He was told it was a “habit.”
    But hey, since I am here I really want to say YEA!!! great going about making that phone call. It will surely be a positive experience.

  2. Val says:

    Resistence is futile, ha ha.
    But seriously, good luck Digger!
    Can’t wait to hear the results…

  3. Emily says:

    I can’t believe you finally made the call!

    Actually, this is one instance where I for one think you should *raise* the pressure on Arwyn – to go along. There is a lot of “stuff” that really needs airing, and I have always thought a third party would be needed to keep you both on track.

    I hope that you will lay it on the line for her how important this is for you.

    *hugs and “good luck”

    Emily xox

  4. Trueself says:

    Nothing like putting yourself into a spot where you have not much other choice to force your hand, eh? I recently did that too by revealing to our marriage counselor my strong desire for ending the marriage. At that point, it was futile for me to try to ignore it anymore. Good for you for using a similar tactic to get yourself to make the appointment.

    Like Emily, I think this is the time to raise the pressure on Arwyn to participate.

    Hope it all works out for you.

  5. Dave says:

    Good for you! I’m glad that the pressure you put on yourself, via the whole internet, worked!

    Family issues are interesting enough, but that’s one thing our MC focused on, too much I felt. It’s fine as an exercise in factors that led you to where you are, but then I was ready to move on already, to the problems and issues that we were facing in the present.

    I’ll second Emily in two areas: Get Arwyn there, and hugs& good luck

  6. C-Marie says:

    Arwyn MUST paticipate – pressure at times, can be a good thing, no matter how difficult. Here’s to you and good luck!

  7. aphron says:

    I hope things go the way you want. If Arwyn actually goes, that would be a big surprise. I’m not holding out much hope there. Hopefully, the sessions will help you. Good luck! We’re pulling for both of you.

  8. Desmond Jones says:

    Way to go, Digger!

    And, just like it’s possible that Arwyn could agree to go w/you, and still not be committed to the process, I wouldn’t necessarily read a decline on her part as a lack of commitment, either. You’ve been given reason enough to hope for the future of your marriage; don’t let go of that easily, whether or not she ‘plays along’ in the short run.

    And, whether or not she comes along, there’s likely plenty of benefit to be had from you just going by yourself, don’t you think?

  9. Square1 says:

    A day almost what, 3 or 4 years in the making now? As to focusing on the past, three are lessons to be learned, and we tend to repeat what we forget or ignore, so in this sense it is helpful to identify behaviors and patterns that may have been learned and need to be corrected. But yeah, don’t get bogged down and live your life there, it’s not the place to be. I’m thinking, “Oh… MY… GOD! He finally did it!” See a little faith really can move mountains. 😛

  10. Digger Jones says:

    Thanks for all the encouragement! I have mixed feelings about that, but that’s just me. I did ask Arwyn and she said she’d be willing to go, no problem as her mother would be in town and could watch the boys. And that was that. No pressure to speak of, she just went along so easily I was a bit surprised myself. I almost found myself saying “Are you sure?” But I didn’t as I wasn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth. Kind of anticlimactic there, but I guess we’re on the right track.

  11. FTN says:

    Wow, as Square said, the Internet will write this date on its calendar as a day to remember. And Arwyn went along with it, just like that! Makes you wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

    “This is a red flag for me, because while I see it is useful to learn from the past, one can not live back there.”

    Good point. A counselor who dwells on the past too much (rather than, of course, “dealing with the past in the present”) could mean six months of counseling without really getting anywhere past your childhood! I’d be sure to talk about your thoughts on the whole process early on with him. But just getting in there with Arwyn is a huge step, so don’t take control of the first meeting and scare her off.

    And it is a male counselor, then? Did Arwyn ever say if she’d be more comfortable with a man or a woman? Do you think she’d care at all one way or another?

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