Differentiation is hard! Not being an avoider (when it is part of your nature) is hard! Not getting all tangled up in someone else’s issues is hard!
Okay, you’re all saying “DUH!”
But it came to me that all of this is physically as taxing as it is mental. Since finishing the Schnarch book and maybe even while finishing it, I had slacked off on working out. I had work issues that had to be dealt with and it was hard finding the time or inclination to work out. So while my weight has continued to melt off, I haven’t been able to keep up stamina-wise. While finishing up a session of a marathon Stepmania song, it occurred to me that I really needed to stay in good physical condition. Not to mention the other endorphine-related benefits of a good hard, wet workout. I’m in a better place when I’m in better physical shape as far as my mind and emotions and working out helps take a lot of the urgency and edge off of the frustration.
And there’s plenty of that going on. This morning the skittering away while trying to talk in the bathroom was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad. She’ll kiss and hug for very brief amounts of time, but that’s it. She’s in full-blown avoider mode. 12-step groups are good for learning disclosure but since no cross-talk is allowed, it doesn’t build up much endurance when it comes to a real reciprocal interaction. This illustrates why the “delicate flower” analogy leads to some unintended consequences. “Learned helplessness” is a big one, and we see it all the time in education when kids are used to having things spoon fed to them all the time. That’s not to say that providing support, guidance and instruction is a bad thing. Having some sheltered shadowing can be a good and helpful thing. But if the person you’re trying to help becomes overly dependent, it’s not a help at all.
I was back up on the elliptical this morning before leaving for work and got a good workout and might work again this afternoon. It’s good therapy. Hmm. Had something else I was going to do today but forgot what it was….