Realized while working out…

Differentiation is hard! Not being an avoider (when it is part of your nature) is hard! Not getting all tangled up in someone else’s issues is hard!

Okay, you’re all saying “DUH!”

But it came to me that all of this is physically as taxing as it is mental. Since finishing the Schnarch book and maybe even while finishing it, I had slacked off on working out. I had work issues that had to be dealt with and it was hard finding the time or inclination to work out. So while my weight has continued to melt off, I haven’t been able to keep up stamina-wise. While finishing up a session of a marathon Stepmania song, it occurred to me that I really needed to stay in good physical condition. Not to mention the other endorphine-related benefits of a good hard, wet workout. I’m in a better place when I’m in better physical shape as far as my mind and emotions and working out helps take a lot of the urgency and edge off of the frustration.

And there’s plenty of that going on. This morning the skittering away while trying to talk in the bathroom was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad. She’ll kiss and hug for very brief amounts of time, but that’s it. She’s in full-blown avoider mode. 12-step groups are good for learning disclosure but since no cross-talk is allowed, it doesn’t build up much endurance when it comes to a real reciprocal interaction. This illustrates why the “delicate flower” analogy leads to some unintended consequences. “Learned helplessness” is a big one, and we see it all the time in education when kids are used to having things spoon fed to them all the time. That’s not to say that providing support, guidance and instruction is a bad thing. Having some sheltered shadowing can be a good and helpful thing. But if the person you’re trying to help becomes overly dependent, it’s not a help at all.

I was back up on the elliptical this morning before leaving for work and got a good workout and might work again this afternoon. It’s good therapy. Hmm. Had something else I was going to do today but forgot what it was….


5 Responses to Realized while working out…

  1. Satan says:

    I wish you and the delicate flower good luck with the therapist . . as soon as you remember to call!

  2. Dave says:

    Good, it’s important to take care of all of you. (I can say that, because I take rotten care of all of me, so you have to double-up).


  3. Square1 says:

    Eagerly awaiting to find out what some calls turn up. Please keep us updated!

  4. C-Marie says:

    I can’t figure out why she “plays the music but won’t sing the song”? What is that 12 step group doing for her? What’s it doing for the both of you? Is there true implementation?
    I don’t get it.
    It’s like attending AA meeting and then going out for a drink afterward.


  5. MP says:

    Have you told your wife that you’re not going to push her to have sex if she doesn’t want to – that it can just be hugging and kissing unless/until SHE makes a move to do more? Maybe she’d stop avoiding the affectionate stuff if there was no reason to worry that you were really after something else, and just using the hugging and kissing as a means to a different end?

    Have you tried turning yourself around on the bed, and sleeping in the same direction as she does? Does it REALLY matter which end her/your feet are at? Maybe she’d be more interested in sharing sex with you if you were more interested in sharing something that she likes with her?

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