I’ve been reading FTN’s Real Blogger World and I see some water skis and pointy fins approaching. Thank goodness for The Lurker and his sidekick. I’m looking for some plot, conflict and character development. Or perhaps David Hasselhof can save the day. Somebody needs to move this thing along. Maybe another mystery death or two would liven things up. Or some girl-on-girl action in the shower.
Perhaps it’s time for that long-lost scene….
If you’ll recall, Desmond was busy trying to bake a birthday cake for a certain birthday girl, but he was out of baking powder. I volunteered to go to the local grocery store on the moped, and Satan invited herself to go with me. This was going to be trouble, I just knew it.
Satan was still wearing her bikini but did put on some leather boots and a long, pink furry bathrobe with white trim. I was just in blue jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt.
I hopped on the moped and it cranked on the first kick. Satan hopped on behind me and held on. Wow, it felt good having someone hug my back like that! We became one, Satan, me and the moped. We drove through the Midwest suburbs, on to the main road and towards the closest grocery store. Despite my light attire I was heating up as Satan had her hands all over me, grabbing and groping. It’s amazing we weren’t killed on the way there. But we managed to survive for other death defying adventures.
The Piggly Wiggly was busy that day with shoppers getting ready for Thanksgiving. The parking lot was jammed with cars, trucks and minivans. But one corner was dominated by motorcycles, almost all of them Harley’s. This looked odd but this was the nearest section of the lot to the store. We parked next to the bikes and walked in the store.
The Pig was busy and packed. We got the baking soda and Satan had the bright idea of buying some wine to make it a proper birthday celebration. Apparently the Boone’s Farm supplied by the RW producers wasn’t good enough for her. She was used to a much finer vintage supplied on her Sugar Daddy’s estate. So she picked up 4 bottles of the most expensive stuff in the store while I was in the baking section.
She also was busy attracting attention, which is where the trouble started. It just so happened, the biggest part of the biker gang oddly enough happened to be in the alcohol/snack section of the store.
Biker gang. Booze. Satan in a bathrobe and bikini. Connect the dots.
Apparently, one of the dudes thought it would be fun to grab Satan’s butt. Normally she wouldn’t have minded so much, but she dropped a bottle of wine, which broke and splattered all over. All over her boots and fur robe. Now she was pissed. She wheeled around and kicked the offender squarely between his legs sending him backwards into a display pyramid of Schaefer’s Beer before he hit the floor and doubled over.
I was just going through the checkout line when I heard the crash of a broken bottle and then a loud “Thwack!” and “You stupid shit! These boots are Gucci and this is real fur!” Then I saw her peeling around the corner and through the produce section followed by half a dozen guys with bandanas and black leather jackets. She was knocking over every shelf and display she could in order to slow them down.
“Go, go, go, GO!” she shouted as she raced for the door. I grabbed the baking powder and reached the door with the 6 guys now joined by 6 more guys who had heard the ruckus and were now joining the chase. I shoved some shopping carts at the front of the door which slowed them a bit as some of the glass shattered and it jammed the door as it tried to open again. Then I saw their eyes get wide. I turned around and saw Satan had knocked over every Harley in the parking lot. Gas started spilling out everywhere.
We were dead.
I jumped on the moped, she hopped on and we raced away as the bikers hurled bottles, snacks and groceries at us. Three of them managed to get their bikes up and cranked them up and began their pursuit but not before one of them discarded a cigarette into the gasoline soaked pavement, thus causing an explosion that destroyed most of the remaining bikes and blew the windows out of the store. Fortunately no one was hurt beyond some cuts and scrapes.
We were in some serious trouble, though. These three guys were faster, bigger and meaner than us. The moped whined as I throttled it wide open but it would be no match for a Harley hog, especially with two of us on our bike.
This part of the midwest happens to have a lot of lakes and this suburb was built in such a way that every subdivision, it seemed, was on the shore of some lake or pond of some sort. The houses were built on high ridges, with the lakes in the back. I knew this was our only hope.
The Harleys were full speed and gaining fast. We would get only one chance. I sped up the closest ridge between two houses and down the back slope. There it was; a boat dock.”JUMP!” I yelled. Satan was on the same page and we both ditched the moped which careened down the dock and into the water, followed by three astonished bikers aboard their heavier hogs. There was no way they could stop or even slow down.
They went into the icy cold water while we ran back to the blogger house. We could hear the rumbling of other bikes in the distance as other gang members were converging on the store and then searching for us. But we stealthily stole our way back without being spotted.
Throughout this adventure, I managed to hold on to the baking powder, so we still succeeded in our mission and saved the birthday party.
But we would be fugitives for the entire year, hiding from biker gangs. As it turned out, the Piggly Wiggly was a sponsor for this particular outfit calling themselves The Hogs. We were banished from ever going there again. Photos obtained from the secuty camera were posted in every store in the chain.
So that was the demise of last year’s moped. It was actually only the beginning of the destruction and mayhem that would ensue, but you can read about that in last year’s news.
[Post Production notes: This really was a lost scene in the truest sense of the word. It really was written, but then was inadvertently cut and deleted. The cut was deliberate because I felt I had already just had a….er…climactic moment with Satan and Emily and we were rapidly heading to another one leading to a whole lotta frosting licking. This scene was over the top and did not help with the pacing of the scenes and other characters’ development. It only fleshes out some of the relationship between Satan and I in that we happened to share this one other adventure. It also tends to simply add more gratuitous violence and destruction. All in all it was not terribly essential to the plot of that story and I doubt any subsequent writers could have made much use of it. But it might explain why this year’s cast got a decrepit old castle, since producers were not going to invest a lot of money into something that might eventually get destroyed anyway. The budget is very tight this year, especially in light of a lawsuit from the Piggly Wiggly.
Perhaps this can be added to the DVD extended release version due out in stores when the Day 5 2007 is written and posted.]