34

That’s not my weight, that is my new, official, waist line!  I bought some new blue jeans on Friday because I needed something to wear on Saturday.  A 34 was taking a big chance, but I went for it.  They are pretty tight, but I wore them all day and felt plenty fine. 

 

My weight this morning was a nice 193.4.  We went to Stone Mountain for our Saturday adventure and my youngest and I did the walk-up trail.  Nowadays, it’s really the only reason I go, as it seems Arwyn and the kids spend most of the time whining about being hungry or thirsty.  We did do a ton of walking and much of it was done with my youngest on my back.  That really was a good workout!

 

I’m getting reluctant to follow the relationship story line, because it seems to be a long string of just the same crap.  Which means the comments will be the same sort of stuff.  So just to make it easier, I’ll let you choose from a standard list:

 

A. Get counseling, now!

B. Find someone else.

C. Move out/separate

D. Confront her directly

E. Ditch her, get a lawyer

F. Communicate more/better

G. Get over it

H. Get some anti-depressants

I. Lock up in the chastity cage

J. Accept her just as she is

 

I’ll keep adding to the list as we go, but the above are all things I’ve seen before more than once.

 

This week I’ve been pushing limits just a bit.  In wee hours of the morning, I’ll snake my hands under her blanket/rug  and let my hand wander around.  And she’ll put her hands on mine to get them to stop moving/advancing.  As soon as she shows any sort of resistance, I stop and withdraw and retreat…until the next morning.  So while I might test the boundaries, I’m not overstepping them. I’m just reaching out and trying to keep an open door and open mind.  But she is not really responsive to any physical intimacies. 

 

For those keeping score at home, we had sex back in March and then before that it was December of 2005.

 

The last time we had a conversation about the subject, I mentioned that celibacy wasn’t working for me.  She said she didn’t really like it either, which was such a surprise I had no comeback or response.  In several opportunities, she has not once responded with any sort of willingness to put an end to it.  We did actually spend time hugging and kissing and snuggling Monday morning.  I really had to press, but she did kind of respond to that.  But it never went further as she responded only to a point.  And then the rest of the week just sort of went down hill.

 

I’m just trying to figure it out.  I have a body she’s never seen before, much leaner and well put together.  But this had zero effect on her libido.  I’d think she might at least be curious.  But there’s zero interest in my body by her.  I’ve always been interested in her and she is still as slim as ever.  I wouldn’t think my weight loss would be any threat to her that way. 

 

There doesn’t seem to be any jealousy factor that I’m aware of at least in the way Desmond spoke of it with his own weight loss.  I just don’t get the impression that she would care if other women looked me.      

 

Arwyn has recently finished her 12 step group after attending for the past year.  She has apparently been through all 12 steps and is joining a different study group.  She goes on and on about how this has helped her get closer to God and how she wishes I would do it.

 

The thing is, is that I don’t see it.  While she spends more time at church, I’m not seeing much fruit within our marriage or relationship.  She still sleeps apart under her own blanket/rug facing the foot of the bed.  She still has no interest in sex/intimacy.  She has voiced some concern about this.  However those concerns were addressed in the context of me initiating the conversation.  None of that addresses Steps 8 and 9 in the 12 step protocol.  I’ve been waiting to see whether or not she would, and it hasn’t come to pass at all.  I’ve been a part of 12-step programs before and know how it is supposed to go, but I also know how powerful denial can be.  Go sell crazy somewhere else, I’m all stocked up.  I’m not perfect and might could do some sort of program like that but I’m not in the mood to by this particular bill of goods at the moment. 

 

Exercise is a wonderful tool for working off depression, anger and frustration.  Those emotions have fueled some pretty heavy workouts this week.

 

D.

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15 Responses to 34

  1. Rosie says:

    Exercise – got to love those endorphins. And it feels sooo good to buy smaller clothing. As for Arwyn – I have a guess she is angry. And feels she has articulated the problem, but no one listened and no one acted. Not saying that’s what actually happened, but just how she might view things.

  2. 2amsomewhere says:

    Concerning your set of options:

    A. Get counseling, now!

    B. Find someone else.

    C. Move out/separate

    D. Confront her directly

    E. Ditch her, get a lawyer

    F. Communicate more/better

    G. Get over it

    H. Get some anti-depressants

    I. Lock up in the chastity cage

    J. Accept her just as she is

    Option (A) is a good idea regardless. Invite her to go to joint counseling. If she declines, go by yourself and start plotting a roadmap for the rest of your life, whatever that might be.

    I don’t like Option (B) because it leaves open the possibility that you will try to ditch your own personal development issues and seek temporary respite from being “in love” with someone who will bring another set of issues to the table. If you leave, leave to be true to yourself, not to be true to someone else.

    Option (C) might be worthwhile after spending some time pursuing Option (A). Unless you truly believe that you want to stay in this marriage, I would not mess around with a “separation” phase. You’ve been stuck in ambivalence too long. Some people beat dead horses. This is an example of administering a dead horse an IV.

    Option (D) probably won’t get you anywhere. I know it didn’t work for me the times I tried it. Instead confront yourself about your situation and decide what you truly want. Then disclose to Arwyn where you are and where you’re headed. That will either force her to confront herself, because you refuse to maintain the status quo, or she will bolt. Either way, you protect your personal integrity.

    Option (E) is expensive. I wouldn’t go that route yet because there is a chance that Option (D) will result in a peaceful dissolution. This is the route I am trying to travel right now, but the guilt trips and attempts to dictate the parameters of my post-marital life are pushing me to keep Option (E) on the table.

    Option (F) is a half solution. I don’t care how many therapists beat the communication drum, it is not a surefire route to a solution. While you should make every effort to be clear to Arwyn about where you stand and where you’re headed, communication is of no virtue of the other end can’t tolerate the message being sent.

    Option (G) is usually suggested by people who have not had to deal with the pain of the situation in question and by hypocrites who want to gain some aura of moral superiority.

    Option (H) might actually help you to get some clarity to make tough decisions, but it should be pursued only after a formal diagnosis. Too many people go to their family physician and bug them for a prescription.

    Option (I) hasn’t gotten you very far thus far, has it?

    Option (J) just pisses me off, and I just want to scream “F*CK YOU!” to anyone who utters it in a condescending tone because it dodges the likely possibility that the dissatisfaction arises from the apouses’s decision to unilaterally shut down a big part of the relationship without disregard for the pain that it causes. If that isn’t a failure to accept someone, I don’t know what that is. The best characterization of this I have ever seen was written by a woman on a MySpace blog, and I’ll pull out the excerpt:

    Ladies, if you marry a man, it can be assumed you at some point found him attractive. If you have a kid with him, it means you found him attractive enough to get horizontal with him. So explain to me why after having the result of this copulation, you decide to hold his sex life hostage? Do you really not enjoy it at all? If that is the case, why lie about it in the beginning? Perhaps he could have found a nice girl that actually liked being with her husband and left you to find someone who didn’t use his penis for anything but show. And the best part is, you act like it is their fault that your frigid. Reverse pysch 101 princess, bottom line, if you pretended to like something, it isn’t his fault he thought you did. Then these women wonder why they get cheated on…


    2amsomewhere

  3. FTN says:

    I’m gonna go with A, D, and F.

    Seems to me like most of what you wrote here could be said directly to her. It might push her buttons, it might offend her or bother her, but maybe it’s the truth and she needs to hear it. She’s not gonna hear it from anyone else.

  4. aphron says:

    Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss. That is a great thing to accomplish. I’m sorry to hear that the marriage intimacy is not improving. Women are not as tuned to men’s appearance as men are to women’s. So, change your appearance may not get the reaction from Arwyn you were expecting. I have no other advice than what you have already heard. I know you are in pain, and I expect Arwyn is too. Since neither wants to confront that pain (living in fear is a terrible way to live), nothing will improve.

  5. Desmond Jones says:

    Hey, Digger, congratulations on the ‘quantum drop’, after ‘plateau-ing’ for a bit! And congratulations on the new waist size! When I started out, I was wearing 48s, and wondering if 50s were gonna be necessary. For the last year, I’ve been in 40s, and Molly just bought me a new pack of undies – 38s, and they fit just fine! I’ll tell you what, wearing something that doesn’t start with a ‘4’ isa way cool, after all these years.

    I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer you on the marriage front that isn’t already on your list, and that you haven’t heard before, from me and 87 other bloggers. Or that you haven’t already thought of, whether or not you’d ever actually do anything about it.

    But, I’m a little dumbfounded (and you even seem to be a little dumbfounded yourself), that, when she said she didn’t much like ‘celibacy’, either, that you just let it pass w/o comment. If it was me, and I’d had sex w/ my wife once in 2 years, and she said that, I can’t imagine not asking her, so, uh, what’s the problem? If you don’t like the situation, what needs to change? How do we move from where we are, which we’re both unhappy with, to a situation we’re both happier with?

    But then, you’ve been told that before, too. . .

  6. […] diggerjones placed an interesting blog post on 34.Here’s a brief overview:That really was a good workout! I’m getting reluctant to follow the relationship story line, because it seems to be a long string of just the same crap. Which means the comments will be the same sort of stuff. So just to make it easier, … […]

  7. Square1 says:

    Of course I go with A, always and F. I really think some time you ought to let her read your blog entries. Maybe not on-line, but just copy and paste them to a word document and print it out. It’s going to be hard to deny what, 4-5 years of journals with a constant theme of forced celibacy in them? Yeah.

    Anyway, congrats on the weight loss! Keep up the good work!

  8. Emily says:

    Well, I still think you need to confront her. But if you aren’t going to, then I think you are doing the right thing in just making your own life as good as it can be. Quitting smoking, getting fitter, losing weight – these are all great things to do!

  9. Val says:

    Let’s see… I choose A, D, & F!
    (should heed my own advice but hey! we’re talking about YOU not me!)
    Congrats on the weight loss — I know all about those anti-depressive endorphins, but my scale remains “stuck”…
    & Stone Mtn is awesome ain’t it?

  10. Cagedone says:

    Congrads on your weight loss digger, me for one is going the other way dammit. No time for the gym for months and boy do I feel it.

    I could think of a few rather unorthodox things to add to your list…:) yet I am not really in your shoes. I have to finally admit that Arwyn is a colder fish than my mrs. One thing though when I look at her (Sarah) mum, her mum is completely incapable of affection to her dad, and like mother like daughter although fortunately not as bad. But I have drawn some conclusion that this is simply the way some people are built. i don’t know if its in built protection, or if they are just naturally incapable of affection to their spouse, yet to their offspring limitless!!

    Its not that uncommon, sad but not uncommon, whats depressing is that you can throw everything you can, and I mean do absolutely everything and anything that you can think of into the ring, and you might get some reaction initially but effectively it makes no change, all you succeed in doing is build a new expectation, a new bar to climb over. You can’t change how someone feels, because it is simply that, how they feel regardless of what you look like or what you do. Your not even a person to her, probably does not even see you any more or notice your haircut, you are digger her husband, more like a object that takes up space in her bed, but has uses like taking out the garbage. An annoyance because at some level she probably feels a bit guilty but even she can’t change how she feels, partly because she is too lazy to even try.

    But its not you, not that its any consellation

    Crap I am depressing

  11. diggerjones says:

    I think she might have articulated some dissatisfaction in the early years, Rosie, and I was not particularly attentive so you may be right about it as far as then. Now we’re kind of beyond anger and perhaps more into apathy.

    You’re right, FTN, in that nobody else is going to confront her about it. It’s a combination of laziness on both our parts in just doing the hard work.

    I’m not sure what reaction I expected to the slimmer me, Aphron, but I was somewhat hopeful. But you’re right, women are not that tuned in to how men look, generally. They just know what they like!

    I might have done a brief follow up like you said Desmond and asked “So what’s the deal?” But her answer would be the ubiquitous, “I don’t know.” I extend the conversation plenty within my own head, but that doesn’t really count.

    Yeah, square, our communication is pretty much the pits. Not because we don’t have anything to say as much as we don’t really want to deal with what the other person might say.

    Yeah, Emily, I really need to hit the smoking thing again. It just seems like I’m engaged in a lot of self-deprivation at the moment, you know? but the personal betterment program does give me some success somewhere.

    Val, it’s always easier to give advice than to actually do it because the stakes are a lot lower! I think my scale is not going to be moving too much with colder weather coming in. All I want to do is EAT!– (and have sex).

    I was watching the PBS special on Charles Schultz, and it sounds a lot like the reverse of your mom and dad, Caged. While I think it’s true that people seem to be wired a certain way, I was also a bit interested to see how Schultz seemed to change and warm up into his second marriage. I’ve seen that a number of times, where moving on seems to result in a different chemistry or something. and it isn’t just her. I know I’m not as free with expressions as I would otherwise be if my expressions were reciprocated.

    thanks for all the encouragement as far as the weight loss! I’m really trying to hunt down another 5 pounds so i can fit into a new pair of 34’s I just bought. maybe I should have played it safe and stuck with the 36’s!

    D.

  12. Square1 says:

    Actually Digger, I had some questions (unrelated to your situation). I have a post up about expletive use, and it’s a couple of posts down now I think. I would appreciate input from you and anyone else who cares to particpate. Sorry for the plug. I usually don’t do that. But my rough draft is due Monday and I’m not getting very much response right now.

  13. Dave says:

    Congrats on the weight! That’s great, you should be proud of yourself!

    As to the other- I choose K, which means:

    How would I give advice that has any meaning, knowing only parts of half the story?

    I will, however, add that K includes thoughts, prayers and best wishes that it works out for you and A, somehow!

  14. Dear Digger:

    You left a kind comment on my website and so I thought I owed yours a visit. I read this entry. PLEASE, go out NOW and BUY and study David Schnarch’s PASSIONATE MARRIAGE — and read it and read it and read it until you have read the last page. The lack of sex in your marriage is NOT about YOUR body (in shape or not) or hers…..

    Call me if you want — I will not charge you to talk to me — really, no catch, I talk to dozens of readers a week all over the world and am always open to a chat with someone struggling over these issues. (Email me for the number).

    Thanks for reading my work and thanks for writing about your life. I will also refer your to AARON at FullTiltMarriage.com

    Rod Smith (Rod@DifficultRelationships.com)
    http://www.DifficultRelationhsips.com

  15. […] for the two of them. It was like deja vu all over again from a short time ago only it was FTN pounding out the steady drum beat of how I really needed to get us into counseling. Now he’s on the […]

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