I think I’ll start with the weigh-in first. This is really the first “official” weigh-in, as last week’s loss was figured on two different scales under different conditions. Today, it was the same scale at about the same time.
Last week I was at 218.x, which was down from the previous week’s unofficial 228. This week, the scale tipped in at 211.6. Not as impressive, but still a loss, which I’m okay with. My workouts have been sporadic, and the not eating like a pig has been a struggle. But I’m sticking to it.
I now weigh less than I did when I got married 11 years ago, which was around 220. I’m not sure how much I weighed when Arwyn and I first met, but I must be right around that point. It’s pretty safe to say she didn’t marry me for my body.
So now to update you on the latest drama. Occasionally there is a case of divine intervention in the form of an autistic son with sleep disturbances. Which basically means that the Friday Night Fight didn’t happen.
When Arwyn got home, she discovered the bill on the counter and quickly (yet quietly) took it to her secret location. You and I know the damage was already done. She was less than certain.
Rosie said she should devote every cent of her paycheck towards the debt. That’s the problem: she doesn’t make that much. She will not make $5000 this year working 3 days a week 9 to 1:00. So this is why I blew my top. Many of the charges stem from this stupid preschool teaching job where she has to buy her own supplies. She bought her own laminating machine, cutting board, buys her own construction paper and constantly feeds ink to her printer. This is a loser job mostly subsidized by me.
So the evening was spent seething with anger. I tried checking the blogroll, looking for train wrecks worse than mine. Even Desperate Husband was looking quiet. 2Amsomewhere usually has something cooking, but lately his has been all on the job front. Joe Flirt was about the only guy who was rendering up enough angst to compete this week.
So to answer CH‘s query, no I’m definitely not shedding the avoider mentality, but I am going to have to be less of one. I really had to steel myself and I was determined to have the conversation that needed to be had. Saturday was spent on yard work and garden work for the fall garden. I was thinking rain this weekend, but I may have to wait a week. Collards, elephant garlic, brussel sprouts, broccoli, romaine lettuce and cabbage all went in. My cherry tomatoes are the only thing still producing so that bed will be kept going for the moment.
I was tired at the end of the day. Arwyn was getting ready for bed as I took my shower and we actually laid down at the same time. The boys were both finally asleep, so I decided to go for it. I was much more mellow than I would have the previous night which turned out to be a good thing.
My opening gambit was asking her exactly what it was that she was 12 stepping on in her recovery group. I thought she might be working through codependency or other adult child issues. But the fact is, is that really has not been working through anything specific. She just goes to these groups 2x a week, and works through whatever there is. I was annoyed and frustrated by this, since I couldn’t find any real traction here. So I just came out and said I saw the Visa bill. And the Sam’s bill. I asked her when she was planning on telling me about it; perhaps when she was $10,000 in again?
She admitted that she had a problem but said she now had learned her lesson. Denial, denial. I wasn’t buying it. As we talked through this, she admitted she had a problem but continued to claim she was over it and had learned from it. We finally agreed that she was going to have to get another part-time job to pay down this debt on nights or weekends. I was ready to sign her up at a local fast food place on the spot. She is not keen on that, of course, and is looking for something more like a weekend receptionist job. I’m looking for something more painful in order to help drive the message home and teach her to reform her ways. But actually, I’m fine with however she does it. It will involve some extra work on me, too, but not all that much. I can already cook, clean and take care of the boys pretty much.
The discussion did continue on from there. One thing Arwyn continues to do is accuse me of being controlling. Over the years she has repeated that over and over. I finally challenged her on it, and she couldn’t really come up with a concrete example. I told her that I did want to have some say in raising the boys, preparing for the future and things about my own life. I then flipped it and said she was actually the controlling one. In her view, I’m controlling by not always giving in to her agenda. I did admit to being manipulative at times, but added that this was pretty much a failed strategy. If it doesn’t work, it’s hardly much of an issue.
We discussed our relationship and I told her I was tapped out of ideas. She saw most of my attempts to improve our relationship as being controlling, so I’ve quit. I told her I was waiting for her to show up to the marriage. She asked for examples, and I brought up Dr. Phil’s book/program (which she actually bought) that I did 6 years ago and the recent ENQ, which she refused to do. There are many others, of course. Date night, the cage, prayer time together and other book programs. I invited her to show up by bringing something to the table. Anything.
She made it a point, here, to say that it just wasn’t about sex. I made it a point to say I was looking for something more long-term, but at the same time the whole celibacy thing wasn’t working for me. She said that she never intended celibacy to be a way of life bought really offered nothing to resolve or address that issue. It’s actually in the sexual arena where Arwyn is at her most massively controlling. She controls everything about sex from the environment and frequency to the method and duration. My input is pretty much confined to the obvious act of inputting. But that was not brought up as I didn’t want the discussion to deteriorate into crying and monkey fits.
As it was, Arwyn was very calm during this discussion. I commented that this was a welcome relief from some past discussions we’ve attempted.
She finally suggested that we try to go out more, just the two of us. Initially, she thought having my mom come down and watch the boys for us while we went somewhere was the answer. Not exactly what I was looking for, but it was something. And something beats nothing.
Getting away is a good idea, but when you have a child with special needs, it becomes a major challenge. My mom lives 1000 miles away and does not like to travel, which is a problem. So not having family close by makes things more difficult. We have had babysitters in the past, but not real often and never overnight. We are a bit particular that way.
We covered other stuff, too, but those are the high points that I remember. Counseling did come up as a possibility, so I said she could look into that as her church actually is offering it. She said she might want to go on her own a bit first, which I agree with.
The skeptic in me says don’t count on too many changes as a result of this one conversation. I’ll have to see some action to back up all the talk.
There was no sex after this as it was so late and I really wasn’t in the mood, still. Being HL for someone who delivers or demands so little respect says more about my stupidity and shallowness than her desire. On that score, XH was right. I want sex, but I really want it wrapped within a package of love, caring, respect and passion. Since I’m not feeling any of those things from her, I really need to salvage whatever thread of integrity I have left and stop trying to get in her pants.