A Yen for Zen

This post is already a week old, but I’m working on something newer.

Okay so I took a couple weeks off from blogging in order to just live life without so much interior noodling. I never stop analyzing completely, but by not writing I’m not thinking as much. Or obsessing as the case may be. But I figure an update would be useful as a way of just taking stock.

First off, I’m continuing with the exercise/healthier diet thing. It’s not quite every day like it was a couple weeks ago, but every opportunity which is close enough. Eating more fresh fruits and vegetables means more trips to the store which takes extra time. I haven’t weighed myself in 6 weeks plus I have an annual physical coming up. I’ll be interested to see how that turns out. If my weight is back where it was a year ago, that will be progress since I ballooned out so much last winter. My blood pressure has always been good so I need that to continue. So I guess not getting any worse is the goal at this point! I also found a cool program that goes with Stepmania that allows me to painlessly choreograph and use music from my own collection if want to, which has helped keep the interest going.

Arwyn has been working through her step process and is doing her step #5 right now with her sponsor or mentor or whoever. She has spent hours and hours and hours doing her personal inventory. So it may take hours to go through it! Being patient with this is a difficult process. She invests in this business to the detriment of everything else. So now in addition to being the one who works full time and does all the lawn/garden stuff, paying all bills and most of the cooking and groceries, I have to do additional cleaning and raising the kids and doing laundry. The 12 step process is an inherently selfish one. Not that addictions and codependency are without selfish aspects, but from my perspective I’ve seen those who are in recovery end up in trouble because they neglect every single thing not associated with recovery steps. These first steps are especially dominated by self-absorption with taking a personal inventory and such. But I’ll wait awhile and see how Arwyn does in subsequent steps that do become more relational in nature. I’ve just got to grit my teeth a bit and hold on for awhile longer.

But that does not mean that I’m not looking at extra long twin beds. This sleeping together business has gotten more tension filled as of late. Keep in mind that Arwyn has her inverted self-wrapped position where we’re head-to-toe which is fine for sleeping military style in bunk beds. But not for married couples. I have been awakened more than once by a sharp kick to the rib cage, presumably because I’m snoring. I don’t do that when she snores. And then our oldest likes yo come in at 5 a.m. or so and he’ll lay right up on her, which she minds a lot less than if I do it. So now he is kicking me because he likes to flail around in his sleep.

A few days ago, Arwyn woke me up with a kick or a poke and instead of reacting by retaliation or in anger, I reached my hand over and rested it on her bum. And this obviously infuriated her all the more. My hand was batted off and she picked up her blanket and pillow and retired to the couch. I really wasn’t feeling angry at her until she did that.

Other couples make the separate bed or even separate bedroom thing work. As nice as the queen-sized bed has been in conceiving the two boys, it is really and truly more of a hindrance now. My maternal grandparents (who were Catholic, if that matters) had their separate beds and slept that way the entire 20+ years they were both alive that I knew them and it might have been the way they always did it.

The church/spiritual business is in a holding pattern. I’ve been reading the Charles Davis book, and have been enriched by it as he does wade into deeper theological waters of faith, hope and love. I Enjoyed one quote in particular that is quite poignant:

“Is it surprising that men have thrown off the yoke of the Church as an unbearable oppression? They are looking for freedom, they want to be themselves. They find no signs of liberation in a life within the Church. And not a few Catholics today, if they dared to formulate their thought would say, ‘Thank God we live in a secular society where ecclesiastical writs do not run far and our freedom abd personal development are guaranteed by factors outside the Church.'”

He then goes on to document how the church actually works against Christ by failing to testify to His freedom, love and His truth. As such, people are left to despair and their hope is taken away. These charges can be made to virtually any institutional system, but especially religious systems that seek to exercise authority and control. As long as there are people who seek to control others and institutions willing to facilitate that, there will be abuse. I feel Catholics have been unfortunately singled out by the media, because I’m sure the protestant ministers and priests have engaged in behavior just as bad as those of any Catholic priests and there have been countless cover ups. Perhaps the protestants just can’t afford the big payouts.

In any case, I’m keeping my eye open for something less corporate-like and more relational in nature. Such groups will be small and difficult to find since they are intentional in not advertising and trying to steal from one another’s flocks. Since they see themselves as part of the larger body, the whole competitive atmosphere is not present at all. There’s room for genuine unity since no one is worried about wearing a shirt or having a coffee mug with the wrong logo.


5 Responses to A Yen for Zen

  1. FTN says:

    Arwyn’s bitter anger towards you really has me baffled. Perhaps there is more to this whole story than we are hearing, or else her issues are just incredibly deep in her psyche.

    I really don’t think the two of you will get ANYWHERE without a third-party mediator to facilitate some real communication.

  2. xi summit says:

    Hey, good to see you were able to back off even if just a bit. Hope that some perspective sneaks in when you ain’t looking for it.

    Queen size bed? Yeah, Queenie has wanted to go back to Queen size for several years now, but I’m with you. It’s either King size or separates as far as I’m concerned, it ain’t worth the bruises and frustration.

    And yeah, you are correct in one thing there are Protestant ministers participating in behavior similar to that of the Catholic scandals going on. While there is less potential for pay-outs, the real difference is that Protestant ministers who engage in such things are most likely to be drummed out whereas the Catholic institution has, instead, protected the guilty at the expense of the victims. It is the institutionalized cover-ups that have triggered the outrage because it as enabled many of the offenders to go about their lives and, in too many cases, re-offend knowing they would continue to be protected. In protestant-land, in my experience, that protection is not typically given. Anyhow, don’t believe anything you read from me on the subject as I only know Mid-New-York Protestant and Catholic-In-The-News about the subject.

    On the extra chores, that’s why you had kids, right? To do the chores while you play and read? 🙂

  3. Xian Husband says:

    Eh, I still say that anyone who thinks “liberation in life” has much of anything to do with Christianity doesn’t understand even the basics of it very well. We are set free, yes, but set free from sin and the price of that freedom is slavery to Christ and to righteousness.

    Liberty? You’ve been bought with a price and are no longer your own.

  4. FTN says:

    If I can respond with my own thoughts, XH…

    I think Digger is talking about CHURCH, not Christianity. There is a huge difference. Sure, we’ve been “bought with a price,” but we belong to Christ, not to specific institutional churches.

    You don’t seem to be seeing the difference between Christ and individual institutional churches, as Digger is discussing here. I don’t even see anywhere that Digger disputes what you said in your comment.

  5. diggerjones says:

    I would describe it more of intense annoyance, FTN, more than bitter anger. As long as I mind my own space we’re good. I venture out and into hers at my own risk. I find it hard to envision her abiding by any referee decision that differs from her opinion in any meaningful way.

    I think you’re right about protestants more often being exposed and outed, Xi. They typically go through a very public thrashing at the hands of a media that loves going after them. And this is totally contrary to how it should ideally be, where the believers would enjoin the errant person to repent before booting them out. But the boot is swifter than forgiveness most of the time.

    XH, such liberty I speak of consists of being *authentic* and *real* with oneself as well as their brothers and sisters in Christ. God made each of as uniquely with unique gifts, but every institution will attempt to pound their members into conformity. I might be a nose and you might be an eye. Our gifts could compliment and serve each other, but not as long as you belong to “The Church of the Holy Eye” and I belong to the “Church of the Anointed Nose.” You eyes give lip service to us noses being part of the body, but it’s with a wink as you believe we are deluded until we all become eyes. Meanwhile, we look down our…er…noses at the eyes for their lack of spiritual vision. And heaven forbid the noses might admit to not being able to see as well as the eyes, especially if the eyes might get a whiff of such an admission. Better to simply pretend that the eyes are the blind ones for not being able to sniff out their own inadequacies. And then we wonder why there’s a lack of unity within the body.

    FTN, XH is adhering to his pre-enlightenment beliefs, in which individualism and individual thought is anathema. And he really is holding true to this consistently and dogmatically. I have no doubt that if he were alive and influential in 1632, he would have found Galileo guilty of heresy.


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