Home Alone

I’m being massively indulgent.  I SO know what Marie means by having the house totally empty except for MEEE!

 

Arwyn and the boys went to visit her mother in Florida for the rest of the week so it is me, me, me and all mine!  I finished cutting the grass this morning in the hot Georgia heat and not we are getting serious thunder storms.  What am I doing with my freedom?  Massively indulging as much as possible.  I’m finishing off this quart of brew I bought this morning and decided I would do some intense blogging the likes of which I haven’t done in awhile, leaving comments and such.  At least until the lightning got intense.  I’ll be back at it as soon as thing blows over.  I’m massively enjoying the rain, tho.  We have not had anything measurable for a few months.  Barely enough too keep the grass growing, which means this down pour will have me back at it in a week or so.  Hopefully stuff will grow and the deer will find forage somewhere else besides my garden!

 

With Arwyn gone, so is all the pressure and bother of the relationship drama.  That’s as much why I feel lighter as the beer.  I’m just relaxed, not buzzed.  Maybe I’ll do that Friday night.  Arwyn’s presence brings with it a certain intensity and heaviness that descends and clings and presses down.   Oddly enough, she has voiced a similar feeling about me.  She feels like I am always judging her and trying to change her.  And in a way, I suppose I am.  She threw that out on Black Sunday, and I’m not sure how to respond to that.  I simply said I felt the same way.  I feel I am forever judged and found wanting.  I think this is how anyone in an unhappy relationship feels. 

 

How do you exist in an unhappy relationship without looking at the things that are making you unhappy?  I suppose one could argue that I simply look at the positives.  I could do that, but then aren’t I then denying all the other crap that is so prevalent? 

I’m thankful that Arwyn is not a shrill harpy, and that she is an otherwise kind person.  She is on a spiritual journey not unlike my own but we are going in radically different directions.  I’m opting out of religious churchianity and she is opting to get deeper and deeper into it.  She wants to pull me back into a system that God is delivering me out of.  There’s an impasse here that I don’t know how to bridge.

 

Several folks have commented that getting out might be the way to go.  2Am, facing similar circumstances, has all but decided on that course of action.  And I certainly can’t argue that he has not put up a valiant effort.  He’s done the separate and joint counseling, which I haven’t done.  He’s made some decent strides in improving himself, but his wife is not moving but continues to harp at him about stuff that happened years ago and he’s since resolved.

 

But I think we need the break up one myth right off the bat: when there are kids involved there is no such thing as a “quick, clean break.”  Even without kids, disentangling can be messy.  Artful Dodger has been working on his divorce for almost 2 years.  Our friends Donald and Gina have been working on their divorce for about 3 years.  Arwyn’s dad’s divorce is on its 3rd year (with no kids involved but considerable assets).  See a trend?  I suppose it could be easier, but this is not the norm.

 

So what do I do?

 

At this point, I’m taking my cues from God.  A body can do that if they are developing that kind of relationship with Him.  That property down south does not look to be going anywhere.  The party who was interested in buying has not shown much interest in actually paying for it.  God could have closed that door a long time ago.  I have often wished He would have!  But I can’t live down there simply because my job is up here.  But I can spend more time down there working on the place if need be.  I can begin a move if so guided.  Stuff is happening in my work life that is pointing towards a move.  But I’m seeing how it plays out.  The finances are straightening out better and better as long as something doesn’t come along to muck it up.  Anything can happen.  Something will.

 

I would like for Arwyn to show up and attend the marriage.  I’d do counseling if I had any confidence at all it would work or if she would even go.   But at this point she’s not indicated any willingness to do anything.  Especially talking about it. 

 

D.

 

 

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4 Responses to Home Alone

  1. Dave says:

    I’ve spent my summers alone for years, sending my family to the cabin when school ends, and bringing them home just before it opens.

    There is a very different kind of lightness to that time; although any problems, issues, what have you, don’t go away, they don’t have the same weight and impact. I’ve decided that a lot of it has to do with not being in the same place, being reminded every time I see her that we have unresolved items to discuss; or, that I am somehow not meeting an expectation, regardless of verbal assurances to the contrary.

    Enjoy the moment my friend, you deserve it.

  2. xi summit says:

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder …. sometimes of the absence itself. Sad but sometimes true.

    Will you be mad if I give some advice contrary to your nature? Oh, not for good but perhaps for a time, a month or so? If you’re anything like me (and I see at least some similarities) you’ll hate it. Then again, maybe you’re ready for it.

    The advice? When they return, just stop. Stop the analyzing, stop the expecting, stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change and stop trying to change her. Take some time to NOT try and figure out where you belong home-wise, church-wise, work-wise. Reboot, recharge, restart, whatever you want to call it. It’s not easy and it may require several retries before you can manage it but I honestly think you’re at a point where your anayzing and studying and interpreting too many things at once to make sense of any one thing. Burn-out is real and I think you’re there buddy.

    Now do I mean check-out? No, stay engaged as father and husband and worker but don’t force anything and spend some time going with the flow. Take a break from the issues and gain some perspective, whatever that may be.

    Hope this time you’ve had alone has, perhaps, set the stage for what’s to come.

  3. […] Summit made suggestion in a comment to my post below that I quit trying to analyze my marriage, my relationship with the church, my […]

  4. […] Home Alone July 19th, 2007 I?m being massively indulgent.?? I SO know what Marie means by having the house totally empty except for MEEE! ?? Arwyn and the boys went to visit her mother in Florida for the rest of the week so it is me, me, me and all mine!?? I finished cutting the grass this morning in the hot Georgia heat and not we are gettingHome Alone […]

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