The last of the vacation updates

date: 06/21/2007



Sad, funny and pathetic.



This is how I would describe the intimacy Arwyn and I have.



When we go on vacation to our families, our sleeping arrangements are a bit altered e.g. NORMAL. The inverted position less common, although she did resort to that here at the cabin on the lake. We tend to go to bed closer to the same time and get up at the same time or closer to it.



The upside is that I do get more sleep. The downside is that it is all too easy to highlight the pathetic nature of our physical intimacies or lack thereof. I like to snuggle, especially in the morning. Plus I’m not against groping around even if naked fooling around isn’t possible or on the menu. A host of intimacies can be shared just by caressing, touching and exploring surreptitiously under blankets even with kids or parents close by.



But not with Arwyn. As I move my hand around, she is deftly blocking and redirecting my hands. This morning I decided to be much more aggressive than usual since I’ll be heading back to Iowa for a few days and will meet up with her and the boys later for the final leg of the vacation back to Georgia.


I walked up her shorts and explored a bit with my hand. She was fairly tolerant of me being around her backside as long as I didn’t get around her crack at all. But I would occasionally push things a bit and the slapping/pushing/redirecting of my hands would commence.



But her breasts are definitely the most guarded and precious area of all. Getting anywhere near a breast resulted in some almost wild gyrations and pushing. I persisted a bit more than usual and it was an almost comical display of her defensiveness. Almost comical. Almost. If it weren’t so sad and pathetic how doggedly and viciously the woman defends her breasts against the touches of her husband. That’s not the attitude of one who is in love or really has anything less than contempt and distrust.


In all fairness, my advances were more in jest than love. I was in the mood for some fun and it was at her expense. I knew she was not up for this sort of thing, but I pushed anyway. This is probably not going to make her more open to my touch anytime soon. But probably not less, either. I basically took a more confrontational approach, or as much of one as the time and space allowed. We weren’t going to have a knock-down drag-out on the hide-a-bed in this little cabin with her dad and the boys right there. So basically we had this silent little pathetic half-fight going on.



I finally tired of this and got up and dressed and packed. After saying good bye to Arwyn, the boys and my father-in-law, I made the 5 hour drive south.






That’s how I felt, anyway. I even bought a pack of smokes. Okay, not good, but I had already bought a pack just before we left during the pretrip hostilities.







I’m back. We (me) drove straight through and made it back in 19.5 hours, which included potty stops too numerous to mention and only one such accident. I’ll take a potty accident any day to one with traffic. At least my insurance rates won’t go up!


The trip back was fairly uneventful. Not a lot of talking, mainly because the kids were right there. There were times I wished we had some sort of plexiglass shield to lower between us and them. The boys do get along well, and most of the noise was the two of them playing happily with each other but it was still loud-ish. I can discuss many things with Arwyn, with religion being the favorite and politics being slightly less so as she doesn’t keep up. We can discuss relationships as long as they are other people’s.


And so it was we were able to talk a bit more about her dad.



I had a chance to briefly meet her 72 year-old dad’s girlfriend who happens to be all of 43. Arwyn is 45. This did not at all go over well with her. At all.



This girl is very attractive and built! I found myself sort of rooting for him. He is still waiting for his second divorce to be final, but says he is not at all interested in getting remarried. Famous last words.



We talked about how Arwyn felt her dad was being taken advantage of. I pointed out that he was most probably getting something out of this relationship and Arwyn said she didn’t think it was a fair trade. And therein lies the problem.



Arwyn doesn’t understand or appreciate the value of what this younger woman is giving her dad. At 43, she’s no spring chicken but she still looked very good. Arwyn attaches little or no value to sex, so she doesn’t see how her dad would be silling to spend some money towards wining and dining this gal for that. Arwyn also underestimates the validation the younger gal offers her dad in the way of looking up to him, respecting him and simply acting like she is attracted to him. This is the thing a lot of older women do not get. They devalue admiration and affection and then wonder why their men leave or why they can’t find one.



So I pointed out that I couldn’t blame her dad for not wanting to be with the blue hairs his own age. The ones who want to complain about their various ailments, who want to gossip and who simply don’t want to have fun have nothing to offer him. She agreed to that, and I’m sure she made no connection between herself and the blue hairs. Fact is, Arwyn likes to do some things, but she constantly complains about some physical ailment and her sexless attitude is decidedly post-menopausal.



All is not so fresh and lovely in her dad’s dealings, tho. He picked up this girl at the same place he picked up his 2nd wife; at his AA meetings. This is known as “13 stepping” where the recovering drunks pick each other up. On one hand, I can understand his point about being with someone else in recovery. It helps to have a common background and a common experience. Everyone has some form of dysfunction they are either doing or recovering from. My problem with AA is that they are so fixed on the alcohol they lose sight of the rest of their psychopathologies at times. So while this younger woman shares a history of alcohol abuse with Arwyn’s dad, there’s 40 years of other experiences and histories that she does NOT share. There’s a lot of other things surrounding that one behavioral topography of drinking.



Arwyn has some issues surrounding the concept of this younger gal becoming her step-mom. And that does sound like a ridiculous concept. Whoever heard of a stepmom being younger than the kids? At that point, the whole “step mom” concept just doesn’t work, even in a paradigm like Cinderella where she is evil. When the kids are adults and themselves parents, the whole stepmom concept doesn’t work. The woman simply becomes “Dad’s 3rd wife” or something similarly nonthreatening or loaded. I also would not recommend “Daddy’s Little Golddigger” at least in front of him.





10 Responses to The last of the vacation updates

  1. FTN says:

    Hmm, I’m not quite sure how I’d react if my father ended up with a woman my age or younger. That would definitely be… strange.

    “In all fairness, my advances were more in jest than love. I was in the mood for some fun and it was at her expense. I knew she was not up for this sort of thing, but I pushed anyway.”

    You called this a more ‘confrontational’ approach, but obviously the confrontation is going to have to be verbal in nature. Pushing the physical stuff will probably just make it worse, as I’m sure you’re aware. If you are going to push something, push the *conversation*. That’s the only way the problems are going to be dealt with.

  2. 2amsomewhere says:

    Well, there’s the desire for admiration, and then there’s outright narcissistic self reflection.

    I certainly can empathize with Arwyn’s indignation. I remember at the age of 15, when my then 36-year-old father announced plans to marry a 23-year-old woman, I was pissed. But, then again, I was 15, Arwyn is 45.

    I think this is one of those situations where she has to let go of the fact that she and her dad aren’t going to agree on this. Is she the type that would look upon the younger gal as competition in the will?


  3. Emily says:

    Well, when my dad left my mum at the age of 44 to be with a woman half his age, I was wierded out by the age issue as well as disgusted by the whole episode. But then I ended up with a man much older than myself!

    I kind of hope Arwyn’s dad and the new wife work out. There is something very hopeful about a new relationship!

  4. Desmond Jones says:

    “They are so fixed on the alcohol they lose sight of the rest of their psychopathologies at times.” Very insightful, that, Digger. I mean, it isn’t just the alcohol, is it? There’s the underlying psychopathology that drove them to it in the first place. . .

    My adoptive mother left my dad when I was nine, and I didn’t see her for 20+ years. By the time we were reunited, she was 20 years into her second marriage. Her second husband was a great guy, but in no way, shape, or form was he my ‘step-father’ – he’d had no part in my life at all until I was in my 30s, and his relationship to me was not in the least ‘fatherly’. I was happy to know him, and we had a fine relationship, but he was ‘my mother’s husband’; not my ‘step-father’.

  5. trueself says:

    Oh boy. We get into the relationships thing with 30 or so years difference between the parties. What all can go wrong with these relationships? See my blog for details. There are many many complications although W and I made it for almost 20 years before really getting bogged down. I am younger than both of his children from his first marriage. I certainly do not see me as stepmother in any way nor do they. They see me as something between “that bitch” and “Dad’s wife” depending on their mood. Will they be happy when I leave him? Yes and no. Happy that they don’t have to deal with me anymore. Unhappy that they will have to deal with W more.

    I’m sorry but I chuckled at the mental images of you and Arwyn during your advances and her efforts against them. But then again I have a sick sense of humor. . .

  6. xi summit says:

    Ahh, the bedroom joust, have ‘enjoyed’ many many bouts of it over the years, Really passes the time when one needs an outlet but the desired outlet is locked tight …..

    So you don’t say, just what did you do with your


  7. aphron says:

    It sounds like you and Arwyn are great friends. You like to talk about religion and politics. If that is the kind of relationship you both want, then ok. It doesn’t sound like love. Sorry. One way or another you will have to confront her. She’ll probably try to sidestep the issue. You’ll have to keep at it. It will not be easy. She must decide to love you (not agape love) or let you go.

  8. Dave says:

    I don’t think I’d care for it much, if my father (who is alone now, my mom died a couple of years ago) were to hook up with a woman two years younger than I am- but, I don’t know that I’d particularly hate it, it would just seem very odd.

    A bigger concern, from my admittedly limited exposure to relationships that have a large age gap, is that so often the vast differences in styles, tastes, experience, etc, find the couple so disconnected that after a few years, the relationship ends.

    Not that that is automatic, but it does seem to add to the difficulties.

    I also hope you do something more constructive with your “FFFFRRRREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMMM!” than just smoke!

  9. diggerjones says:

    Well, conversation is one way to be confrontational. The ONLY way, FTN? Well I can’t say that for sure. I see lots of conversations and very little solving of this sort of problem. But it needs a fair shot like anything else.

    2am, her and her siblings are all sort of looking at the estate business, I think. Their inheritance has already been greatly diminished by the STBX wife and the attorney’s fees.

    Emily, it’s not a done deal, as her dad denies having any intention of being married. But they’ve been hanging out together for several years now, so marriage or not, it is a relationship that works for the two of them.

    I think you have a sensible way of looking at it, Desmond, in that the guy your mother married had nothing to do with raising you, so the whole “step-father” notion seems silly. It’s just going to take Arwyn a long time to deal with that. A long time.

    Ah yes, Trueself you get to see things from the other side of the proverbial fence! Is it reall yhe age difference or is it a difference in temperment? And yes, the imagery of this silent little swatting match is kind of funny and I sort of chuckle when thinking of it myself. It’s just a good image of human absurdity.

    Ha, Xi, I didn’t do a lot with my FFFRREEEEDOOMMM! Aside from smoking. It was just less intense without the pressure of a relationship that needs constant tending, you know? And this relationship really does mirror my garden: drought ridden, extremely sparse to the point where even the weeds quit bothering to grow.

    You’re right in a way, Aphron. But she’s only going to have to choose if I push her into making the choice. And yes she is forever dodging the issue. Pinning her down will not be easy.

    Like I said above, Dave, the age difference can lead to many issues, like the health issues that Emily faces. That alone would sort of ward me off. As it is, my wife is rather like a 70 year-old in many ways.


  10. […] and glaring concern of mine but I’ve tried to roll with it. Last year, at her Dad’s, we had this somewhat humorous slapfest. This year, I’d wake up and go to hug her and be affectionate. She would sometimes sort of […]

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