I should have known…

And probably did but hope springs eternal, you know?


This whole ENQ exercise can now officially be added to that scrap heap; things that I’ve tried that she didn’t bother with.


I was on the spare computer and was in the process of shutting it down when she started getting ready for bed.  I asked her if she had completed the questionnaire.  She sat down on the bed with a rather sad expression and said,I really didn’t know how to answer the questions.




“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know.  I just didn’t know how to answer them.

“You mean you don’t know your own needs?”

“No, I didn’t say that.

“You don’t think it’s important?”

“No, I didn’t say that, either.

“So are you going to try?”

“I don’t know.


This is the way theseconfrontationsgo.  I am truly married to the emperor of all that is avoidance.  I am just the junior sith, here.  I have much to learn.



She then walked out of the bedroom just like that.  I was dumbfounded.  Angry but not out of control.  It really is just more sauce for the goose that represents our marriage just stewing and cooking in the fire.


She came it just a bit ago and said she didn’t even know where it was.  It was on the table but I saw she moved it days ago.  She then complained of a sinus headache.  She finally quit looking and looked to be really ready to retire to the couch.



Physical ailments are good avoidant tools.  I’m still working on learning how to employ thebroken wingruse in order to distract from confrontations.  Even if it isn’t a ruse, it sure is the most convenient thing going.  Last week it was her back.  



Thing is, I really am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of a separation of an undetermined sort.  It may be temporary in order to wake her ass up.  Or it may become longer.  We have a place down south GA that is going to require some attention in order to rent or sell.  The last renter stiffed us for about $5,000 before we finally ejected her.  I could have the place paid for in a couple years or so, and could live there fairly comfortable.  



I hate the thought of being away from the boys like that, but things have steadily deteriorated to where I’ve gradually more and more disengaged.



This isn’t just about a stupid questionnaire or survey.  It’s about investment and engagement in the marriage itself, and it is something I have not seen her do, at all.  



What is it about this questionnaire that is so difficult?  Obviously if you don’t know your emotional needs, it could be a problem.  Lack of introspection could slow things down.  I mean you all read my answers and how I thought about them.  Was I too glib about it?  Should it be harder than I made it look?  I know some of the questions and topics were a bit confusing, but we’re not dealing in normative scores, here.  It’s not even on a curve!



This is where that whole openness and honesty bit has so totally broken down.  Or even just the conversation part.  I thought this would be a way to at least start a meaningful conversation or dialog.



Oh well.  



And now you might get some indication of why I think the counseling thing would be such a loser.  Arwyn would simply not disclose anything or participate.  She would get sick, or have an old injury flare up or have some other competing demand.  This is doubly true if it is my idea and my suggestion because she has rejected, foiled and otherwise escaped from every single thing I’ve ever suggested.  Every single one, without fail and without exception.  And I’ve tried a boat load of things.



So this isn’t exactly the high drama I built it up to be.  It’s anti-drama.  



Suddenly I’m not looking forward to a 2 week vacation with this woman.







8 Responses to I should have known…

  1. 2amsomewhere says:

    If we ever cross paths, Digger, I will gladly buy you your choice of adult beverage, for I truly know this behavioral pattern.

    Rewind the blog TiVO back to last August, when my wife and I were in marriage counseling.

    My Brief IM Conversation with a Black Hole

    I know better now than to ask her to participate.

    Later on, I got raked over the coals by a reader who believed my expectations regarding sex and counseling were unreasonable.


  2. Dave says:

    Digger, that’s hard.

    Participation, fully, in a marriage doesn’t strike me as an unreasonable expectation. Even if the answers to the questions aren’t what you’d like to hear, or what you might expect to hear, it doesn’t seem to me that at least *trying* to participate is too much to ask.

    I can empathize, a lot, with the feeling that openness and honesty is broken down, and that’s a terrible feeling.

    But can I say, without sounding to “preachy”, that although it may not be what you asked for as a result, it may well be the “right” result, for your personal, long-term happiness?

    I don’t know, but I feel for you

  3. Cat says:

    If my instincts are right Arwyn will do the bare minimum to keep you there. So if you show signs that you are prepared to separate she will have sex or buy a self help book or maybe even agree to counseling. Are you prepared for the lukewarm and then back to cold you will probably receive once the idea of separating is introduced? I ask this because it takes almost more energy and communication to have a successful split especially when kids are involved as it does to have a marriage…

  4. xi summit says:

    Resolution of the problem will invlove her not only making an effort but more importantly recognizing a change is necessary. You see a need, she obviously doesn’t. So long as she doesn’t see a major problem, she’s not gonna be motivated. You’re all “let’s fix this” and she’s all “go ahead and fix yourself, I’m fine. Now stop bothering me”.

    Keep working on you, never stop those improvements, but my suggestion would be to stop talking to her about them and just do them for you. Make them as low-impact on her as possible (wireless headphones for the excercise, for instance). Perhaps, like Queenie, she sees your successes as reminders of her failures. I NEVER talk to Queenie about my wieght loss anymore because it reminds her that she is not losing weight. And I’m not saying it’s automatic, it takes hard work to suppress such things but it may be of help. Or maybe not. Anyhow, that’s it.

  5. aphron says:

    Sybil and I did that exercise. It didn’t help. She did work on it, and it led to a new route to communication. It didn’t solve anything because of our basic personalities.

    I’m sorry things are degrading in such a fashion. How can you successfully confront the situation, if there is none there to confront? You know that Arwyn has emotionally left the marriage. If you’re able, cancel the vacation and use the time to work on the house. Alone. If you decide you like it, you might make it more permanent. I’m against divorce, but Arwyn has divorced you, emotionally.

  6. FTN says:

    Did you emphasize how absolutely important the ENQ was to you? She’s obviously not interested in doing these types of things, but perhaps it could depend on how you approach it?

    I’m not recommending this, but what do you think would be her response if you said something like, “I think that us doing this ENQ together could be a first step on working some of the issues in our marriage. And the fact that you haven’t done it, or anything else I’ve suggested, tells me that you really don’t care about the state our marriage. Please make an attempt to answer the questions by next week, or I’ll take that as an indication that you want me to move out.”

  7. Fiona says:

    Digger, I am so sorry.

    As someone who plays Arwyn on tv, I am guessing that she is desperately afraid of the conflict that will ensue when she makes it known that she is unhappy in the marriage.

    She’s more afraid of the conflict than of how much she’s hurting you by not giving you what you’ve asked for.

    And seriously, right now, *I* wouldn’t want to be married to me, either. But. . . there ya have it.

  8. Nutty man says:

    I’m at the very same place your at right now. My frigid wife has just refused to even read the definitions much less do the questionare. I’m to old for this crap but your not, get out while you can.

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