And probably did but hope springs eternal, you know?
This whole ENQ exercise can now officially be added to that scrap heap; things that I’ve tried that she didn’t bother with.
I was on the spare computer and was in the process of shutting it down when she started getting ready for bed. I asked her if she had completed the questionnaire. She sat down on the bed with a rather sad expression and said, “I really didn’t know how to answer the questions.“
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know. I just didn’t know how to answer them.“
“You mean you don’t know your own needs?”
“No, I didn’t say that.“
“You don’t think it’s important?”
“No, I didn’t say that, either.“
“So are you going to try?”
“I don’t know.“
This is the way these “confrontations” go. I am truly married to the emperor of all that is avoidance. I am just the junior sith, here. I have much to learn.
She then walked out of the bedroom just like that. I was dumbfounded. Angry but not out of control. It really is just more sauce for the goose that represents our marriage just stewing and cooking in the fire.
She came it just a bit ago and said she didn’t even know where it was. It was on the table but I saw she moved it days ago. She then complained of a sinus headache. She finally quit looking and looked to be really ready to retire to the couch.
Physical ailments are good avoidant tools. I’m still working on learning how to employ the “broken wing” ruse in order to distract from confrontations. Even if it isn’t a ruse, it sure is the most convenient thing going. Last week it was her back.
Thing is, I really am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of a separation of an undetermined sort. It may be temporary in order to wake her ass up. Or it may become longer. We have a place down south GA that is going to require some attention in order to rent or sell. The last renter stiffed us for about $5,000 before we finally ejected her. I could have the place paid for in a couple years or so, and could live there fairly comfortable.
I hate the thought of being away from the boys like that, but things have steadily deteriorated to where I’ve gradually more and more disengaged.
This isn’t just about a stupid questionnaire or survey. It’s about investment and engagement in the marriage itself, and it is something I have not seen her do, at all.
What is it about this questionnaire that is so difficult? Obviously if you don’t know your emotional needs, it could be a problem. Lack of introspection could slow things down. I mean you all read my answers and how I thought about them. Was I too glib about it? Should it be harder than I made it look? I know some of the questions and topics were a bit confusing, but we’re not dealing in normative scores, here. It’s not even on a curve!
This is where that whole openness and honesty bit has so totally broken down. Or even just the conversation part. I thought this would be a way to at least start a meaningful conversation or dialog.
And now you might get some indication of why I think the counseling thing would be such a loser. Arwyn would simply not disclose anything or participate. She would get sick, or have an old injury flare up or have some other competing demand. This is doubly true if it is my idea and my suggestion because she has rejected, foiled and otherwise escaped from every single thing I’ve ever suggested. Every single one, without fail and without exception. And I’ve tried a boat load of things.
So this isn’t exactly the high drama I built it up to be. It’s anti-drama.
Suddenly I’m not looking forward to a 2 week vacation with this woman.