Emotional Needs: Admiration

Finally!  The conclusion of this series on the completed Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  Stay tuned for some drama on this thing.  I’ve been avoiding it but can do so no more.


Unless I can find a way to confront while also avoiding.  Maybe a letter or an email…



Harley defines admiration as respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often.  I rate my need for admiration on the 0-6 scale at a 4, which is somewhat of a great need.  Not as high as affection or sex, but it is a definite emotional need of mine.  When thinking about how often, I think! 1x a day shouldn’t be asking too much.  Is it?  If my indicated frequency is not met, it makes me feel somewhat unhappy.  Certainly unappreciated.


When I rate Arwyn’s level of admiration for me, I give it a -1 on the -3 to +3 scale.  I’m a little dissatisfied and this is because there is more contempt that comes across than anything.  I’ve been using my blogger version of this site to talk a bit about one of my other self-growth endeavors which is weight loss and exercise.  Instead of supporting and admiring my efforts at losing weight, eating better, quitting smoking and working out, she has been negative and complaining.  She hates the DDR music because it is oriented towards the fast dance genre with a severely heavy beat.  So she complains about the music being too loud or will stay on the computer longer or put the boys on it so I can’t use it to work out.  She’s been a scoffer since I ordered the dance pad.


She spent years complaining about my smoking and cited that as the reason she didn’t want any deep kissing and a turn-off from sex.  Both patent lies. 


So my self-improvement gains have been despite Arwyn’s attitude and not because of her support or admiration.


I think I’m ready for another Stepmania update where I’ll extend this just a bit more.


Actually there might be one more entry on this series, as I do have to rate my top 5 emotional needs.  And there’s one that I have that didn’t even make Harley’s list.  But I’ll let y’all guess on that for awhile.  Plus that gives me another excuse to avoid some confrontation.





4 Responses to Emotional Needs: Admiration

  1. Fiona says:

    I find all of your writing about this fascinating, in large part because I strongly suspect it’s very similar to how my husband would rate both importance and satisfaction levels. (Though from my perspective, he’d put the importance on approval a bit higher than you did.)

    And I find myself wondering what Arwyn is hiding from you and why, because the behaviours you’re describing from her mirror mine. And there was certainly deception and obfuscation (both intentional and unintentional) involved on my part.

    The whole series is also making me think that the ENQ is missing a part. I think for some people, some of these qualify as relationship hygeine factors — the presence of them doesn’t really contribute that greatly to the overall happiness, but the absence greatly detracts.

    Hmmm. Much to think about.

  2. Dave says:

    I’m glad for you, that you’ve worked all the way through this… and, from the “stay tuned for some drama” statement, I’m speculating that arwyn has either worked her way through it, or been looking at your answers?!?

    Again, I hope it works out in whatever way is best for you, no matter what that turns out to be.


  3. diggerjones says:

    Well, Fiona, I think she is hiding something but I find it hard to believe it is anything quite of the caliber your hiding. But I wouldn be the first fellow to be fooled into complacency.

    Thanks for the positive thoughts, Dave. But it was neither of those things, it was more me building things up in order to have more accountability and actually follow through. But I could just as well have just let it go as it turns out.


  4. xi summit says:

    Admiration. As in:

    “You did a terrific job, it looks great! Except for that spot over there. And this one. And the slips-ups were covered over well. And the color is real close to what I wanted. Hopefully most people won’t notice the problems. Good job hun.”

    Honestly, I should be fair and say she admires me out of my presence, I hear about that all the time. just never quite from her. She acts like she’s in competition with me over who did the most and the best for whom and, since I do more and work harder at it, I suspect she uses this little tool to keep me humbled in her eyes. Just a guess.

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