Emotional Need: Domestic Support

Hey!  I’m getting close to the end of my Emotional Needs Questionnaire!  Which is good because then perhaps I’ll be able to write about some drama and conversation related to going over it with Arwyn.  Or not going over it.


Domestic support is defined by Harley as creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children – if any are at home – including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning.


I’ve actually written about Arwyn’s domestic skills (or lack thereof) before.  My need for domestic support is a modest 3 on a 0-6 scale.  I can do all of those above mentioned things myself and I often do them in addition to working full time.  I do most of the cooking, all of the grocery shopping and everything outside the house with lawn and garden.  I do dishes and will do my own laundry if I’m out of clothes and Arwyn hasn’t gotten around to washing them.  The problem is when I don’t have time to maintain things, and the place goes to hell as Arwyn and the kids continue to pile dishes up and clutter the house until it is a pig sty. 


As for amount of time devoted to domestic support, I really wasn’t sure what would be fair.  20-30 hours per week, maybe?  I’m not sure, as my needs really are modest.  I just like a kitchen clean enough to eat and cook in and a house I can walk through without tripping over stuff.


When I come home to a house that looks like shit, I do feel somewhat unhappy and will eventually just start cleaning the place myself.  This is a problem with having Arwyn as a room mate: she’s not good at it at all.  She doesn’t pay rent, she doesn’t cook, she doesn’t clean and she messes the place up.  So I’m probably being overly generous on scoring her a -1 in her domestic support.  She does take care of the boys and does do an awful lot of laundry and does the dishes most of the time.  She can and does make a sandwich or put a pizza in the oven for the boys.


So she does not provide enough domestic support but when she does, I’m okay with the way she does it.  She really can clean the place up when she gets the urge.  In fact, when we first got married I was a little worried that I’d married some sort of clean freak! 


I would gladly overlook the lack of clean freakiness if there was even a moderate amount of sex freakiness.  But since there’s none of that going on, it makes living with her all the more pointless.







7 Responses to Emotional Need: Domestic Support

  1. Dave says:

    You’re really rattling the entries out today, I’m panting to keep up, and I only read them!

    It will be interesting to see if Arwyn does indeed follow through and complete the questionaire. Especially, to me, the questions about honest and open, which to me are soo vitally important; doubly more so lately, for my wife and myself.

    Thanks for stopping by earlier, and the comment as well.


  2. FTN says:

    Some women might say that “care of the children” by itself is more than a 20-30 hour per week job. If that’s included within domestic support… I know it’s one reason that some SAHMs complain about finding time to do many of the other things (cooking, cleaning, laundry).

    I will say that the last year or two has been a big turnaround in our home. Autumn cooks much more often and keeps the house very clean. I’ve been really impressed. I think some of it is due to the fact that we’re trying to sell our house, so she’s packed up a ton of stuff.

  3. Digger Jones says:

    Well, I’ve been waiting for her to say something, but it’s going to be up to me to bring it all up. As usual.

    You’re right FTN, but the kids are both in school and are getting older where they don’t require near as much attention as they did when they were in preschool. I’ll pitch in and do it all the time. Just not EVERY time, because I sometimes end up working longer hours.


  4. Katie says:

    Housework sucks, plain and simple. Kudos to you for picking up the slack.

    Your last paragraph made me laugh. Good sex does make up for a lot of annoyances. (Why do you think I’m still with my husband? *winks*)

  5. Fiona says:

    Your rating of 3 in importance seems to be at odds with the emphatic language that you use to talk about the situation when your standards aren’t met.

    “Goes to hell,” “looks like shit”. . . is that really language on par with the “it’s just middlin’ important” level you gave it?

    It sounds like you feel like you don’t have very high standards, but it’s very important to you that those standards are met.

    Or am I misreading?

  6. Digger Jones says:

    I agree, Katie, housework does suck. But if a body wants to live in reasonably sanitary conditions, it’s necessary. And good sex…jeez now I’m even MORE jealous!

    You’re right, Fiona. I have a flexible limit to a point. I don’t fret about not having dusted or vaccuumed. However, when I can not walk through the house without tripping and falling or when I can’t even be in the kitchen because it is overrun with dirty dishes, leftover food and empty wrappers, I get very tense. I’m gone at work all day and her and the kids look like they just had a frat party with slightly less beer and slightly more peanut butter.

    If it goes more than a couple of days, I get really pissed. So I start pissily cleaning up and then she comes and says, “HEY! I was going to do that!”

    So having a moderate need doesn’t mean that there aren’t limits. I can be a pig and I can live in clutter but only for so long to a certain extreme. and as I said, if other needs are being met, I can tolerate a hell of a lot more clutter.

    Does that make me unfair or mean?


  7. xi summit says:

    Not unfair or mean, just reciprocal … I’m ready for checkers whenever you’re ready to play some ball!

    Queenie is not much of a house-keeper either, though she at least keeps the walk-ways clear enough to navigate. The daughters (hopefully) are learning from Dad as I teach them how to cook and clean and the importance of not panic-cleaning 30 minutes before guests are to arrive (that you’ve known were coming all week).

    Anyhow, my Mom is a clutter-freak and doesn’t ever seem to care at all so long as she can move it to get through it. She always said thet as long as it wasn’t a life-and-death hazzard, either live with it or fix it and maintain it yourself. She pretty much applies that to all areas of her life.

    No sure what I meant to get to saying here, but I’m done…

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