Emotional Needs: Recreational Companionship

You mean we didn’t cover this in the sexual fulfillment post?   For those arriving late to the party, I’m working over my Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  You’re about 5 posts behind, which is so highly unusual for me.


Harley defines recreational companionship as developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities.  I rated my need for recreational companionship as a ‘2’, making it my least needed for need.  When answering “How often?” I figured 1x per week would be fair and might help to cultivate a weak area.  But if we didn’t recreate that often, that’s not going to make me neither happy nor unhappy about it.  So as far as satisfaction, I scored this a solid zero – not either satisfied and not unsatisfied.


Hey, the score is improving!  At least it isn’t negative!  I’m sure Arwyn will peg this as a higher need and express more dissatisfaction with this.  Right now, considering the other areas, recreational companionship ranks at the bottom of needs.


 Having said that, I understand that recreational companionship can be an efficient way of meeting other needs.  It makes conversation easier and gives us both something to talk about.  I’m socking away credit in her love bank by spending what she would consider quality time with her.  She likes going places and doing things.  She likes going to the zoo and the aquarium over, and over and over again and has season passes.  As for me, I get bored after the 3rd or 6th trip plus I seriously dislike the crowds.


But when we dated, we did go camping and hiking and spent a lot more time doing things together.  But then I got a modem and that put a huge dent in mutual recreating!


Heaven forbid I ever get broadband.


It’s not that I don’t like spending time with Arwyn.  But it is frustrating.  While it does result in a somewhat closer connection, this does not translate into more affection or sex from her.  And the more closely I feel towards her, the more her rejection hurts.  Stiff arming her this way makes the rejection less traumatic, if that makes any sense at all.



6 Responses to Emotional Needs: Recreational Companionship

  1. Dave says:

    I’ve found that recreating has gradually led to more and more of the intimate conversations, and the shows of affection that lead directly to sex.

    I wasn’t expecting that, so much, but it’s a nice side benefit; plus, I feel so much closer and we’re so much more in tune with one another, it’s very much a positive.

    Perhaps you need to put the modem away for a weekend and go hiking together?


    (PS- I replied to a comment you’d made on an earlier comment of mine when you began the list, sorry about that)

  2. Fiona says:

    As someone who is libido-challenged in relation to my husband, and also actively resists recreational companionship, I think there probably is some kind of link there.

    In my case, it’s a struggle for control/parity. Probably not for you, though.

  3. xi summit says:

    I follow you there for sure. When Queenie and I connect in other areas (that are important to her) I long to connect in areas that are important to me. When she chooses to refuse that it then makes it more difficult to ‘meet her needs’ because meeting her needs makes me feel closer and, stupidly, I desire reciprocation.

    And now you’ve gone and made me type it out which makes me feel like a whiney 10 year old: “I’ll play checkers with you if you’ll play basketball with me”.

    Thanks a lot D!! 🙂

  4. aphron says:

    I have no answers because my situation is similar. I would say that sometimes a person is in a losing situation no matter how it’s sliced. The best we hope for is the best we can do. Personally, I’ve learned to lower my expectations.

  5. Digger Jones says:

    Well , Dave, we are getting ready for an extended vacation. Althoug I’m wondering if extended travel is as bonding as hiking and camping!

    Fiona, I wouldn’t discount the power aspect of it at all. The thing is, what do you hope to “win?” You got a dandy start on your own blog, btw. Do, do continue and flesh it out!

    Xi, it sooner or later seems to come to that. I really do think it is not out of line to expect our souses to make *some* sort of effort towards improving the marriage. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but cooperation would be nice.

    Ha! Spoken like such the cynic, Aphron! But I’d think you come by it honestly.

    Thank you all for indulging me in this!


  6. […] 4. Recreational Companionship […]

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