I’d like to talk about the sex.  Really I would.  Perhaps I will, but first I have another precious insight or two to share.


Actually, I think I’ll let these guys from Family Room Media do it.  I’m such a fan of these guys, I may even end up buying something from them.  But the videos here are short, free and hilarious.  I think it’s their sense of humor that I enjoy most.  They seem to really enjoy each other as well as what they’re doing. 


And I think many of us will identify with some of these situations.


I’d like to talk about Hell, because there are times when I wonder if that’s where I really am.  I think God is gracious enough to give us small glimpses of Heaven and Hell while we’re still walking around on earth.  I richly enjoy the Heavenly parts, but the Hellish parts?  Eh…not so much.


In the story of the rich man and Lazarus, (Luke 16:19-31) the rich man can actually see Lazarus across the great gulf.  I think this probably added to the misery and torment that much more, knowing that there was a place free of torment that was so close yet so far.


So close.  And yet so far.


I determined to test the waters and see if there was some intimacy to be had in my house, mostly because my blog is in sad need of some movement.  Plus I thought it might be kind of nice to live in a house where some intimacy might exist somewhere, some time.  Perhaps my wife is a bit like Tajalude, and wants me to initiate more.  Maybe I don’t get so much physical attention because I need to initiate more.  Could she be feeling undesirable because I’m not trying to start things more often?  Afterall, I’ve been staying up late on the computer, and that isn’t conducive to getting together in a husband-and-wifely manner.


Things started off promisingly enough.  When we awoke, I reached out and Arwyn responded and we did hug and cuddle for a few minutes before starting off our day.  After work, her and the boys were heading off to church for their Thursday night thing and I went to the store to buy groceries from the list she had already made.  We all got back late and while she put the boys to bed, I made some muffins. 


She then went to bed and it became the moment of decision.  Do I check my email or go to bed and spend time with Arwyn?  For once, I chose the latter over the former.


She was just finishing the preparations for going to bed and I brushed my teeth to get ready.  She had various instructions for me: turn off the TV, turn on the fan, make sure the door is locked, check the other door.  She was laying in her inverted position with her rug-blanket but was sort of laying on her back, splayed sort of invitingly.  Or at least it looked inviting in my addled mind.  After finishing all of my chores, duties and obligations, I laid down oriented in her direction and snuggled a bit.  She kissed me and rolled over, away from me.  And the ensued the fight for position.


OW!  Your arm is too heavy!  OW, it hurts my back!   OW, your leg is on my leg! OW, you’re laying on top of me!”


I was trying to sort of spoon her.  But when it was all said and done there was absolutely no skin-to-skin contact, and very little contact at all.  I’d had enough and re-oriented myself to the normal sleeping position under my own sheets.  I really was tired and dropped off to sleep fairly easily despite my frustration.


I do love my wife.  I like touching her and being close to her.  But she keeps moving across that gulf, and my unquenched desire to be close to her torments me.  It’s easier to turn away and not try to cross the divide.  Don’t even look at it.  If I don’t approach her, she doesn’t retreat.  If I don’t look over to the other side, I am not tormented so much.  


This is my concept of Hell.  I can see and almost touch and taste.  But I remain in anguish in the flame.  I try to find relief but the gulf simply widens in response to my efforts.  For whatever purpose, God’s hedge remains in place.  I have more lessons to learn in this place, to whatever end.


7 Responses to Hell

  1. Cat says:

    Man this post tugs at me so much. And I am sure you didn’t write it for my boo hoo sentiment but I feel terrible for you all the same…

  2. diggerjones says:

    I can’t be pedantic ALL the time, Cat! And sometimes a person just needs to get it out and express.

    Shit. It just occurred to me that this weekend is Mother’s Day. It’s pretty much near impossible to get psyched about that.


  3. xi summit says:

    I’m on the same side of the gulf as you. Feel the same despair.

  4. Dave says:

    Hi, I’ve been lurking for a bit, but decided to jump in today; this one really hit me, because we’d been struggling with some sexual issues as well.

    It’s gotten better lately, but I do feel for you and hope you can contnue to find your way down the path God intends for you.


  5. The big question is why on earth do guys continue to hold out hope for the reversal of:
    -Clearly communicated total lack of passion from our partner.
    -Complete abandonment of what we considered a critical though perhaps implicit part of the marriage vows. “have and hold” seems to imply something.

    Yet here I am- probably worse off than Digger in the ‘getting some’ department. After two years of nothing I still often hold off from wanking with some idea that this will be the day things get better. The eternal optimist.


  6. trueself says:

    I am far too familiar with that particular version of hell. Far too familiar. . .

  7. Emily says:

    I am just wondering what would happen if you told Arwyn you needed to talk to her, arranged a time for when the kids have gone to bed, and then asked her what happened to the idea of a fresh start?

    It’s frustrating to watch things just drift on and on in this way. I think you need to see some progress or else start making moves to change things yourself.

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