Arwyn is off to her women’s step meeting. Tonight would be her first one, so it will be interesting to see what, if anything, comes out of it. I’m not expecting overnight miracles, here, and if I see nothing different for awhile that’s fine. If it’s something she enjoys, that’s good enough for me. Truly, I do want her to be happy and I have no problems playing with and putting the boys to bed while she’s out.
I think I need to spend some time discussing my resentment. I represented it as mountain peak but it is more like the Himalayan mountain range. High, broad and rather old. But not so attractive. It’s more like an over-sized pile of shit.
My confession of my last post was a stab at honestly facing what it is that sometimes enables me to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on those few occasions that Arwyn does actually offer something up. On occasion I’m given some chance to actually deposit some positive points in Harley’s love bank, and I muck it up.
Arwyn’s wanting me to attend a 12 step group is not such an occasion, IMO. It’s not like we would be going together. It was her trying to fix me the same as me trying to fix her by trying to get her to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. And we know how THAT went over.
No, there have been other occasions when she wanted to just talk that I was abrupt or too short to be bothered. I often get impatient with her over stupid things in a way that makes her feel stupid and incompetent. And the shit pile of resentment is often at the center of my projected hostility. Resentment is such a millstone; no relationship can long survive its weight. It is also a stubborn and pervasive thing that once loosed totally evades control, moderation and reason.
But I’ve suppressed it before.
I have lessened the resentment, if only for a time before. I’ve managed to have it contained and diminished to almost nothing. It even seems to almost get turned around and thrown judo fashion into more productive energy. Yes, I have had my resentment contained before. Perhaps it is time to try it again.
Yes, readers, you know of what I speak. Most of you have read of it before. For some of you, it is one of the only reasons you keep reading. For others, it is something you’ve never quite understood.
Can it work again? Is it worth trying again?
I have a couple of reasons for going to this particular well, yet again. The resentment and general wreckage that is my marriage is just one of them. I’ll share the other when I finally decide and get committed.