Nothing terribly big, but it’s sort of like when tectonic plates move, the consequences can be earth shaking at a future time. Or maybe not.
Arwyn is on the move, spiritually speaking. She is getting more and more involved with her new church. I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, it is good that she has an interest and friends and wants to be involved in something. And theologically speaking, I probably have more in common with this nondenominational evangelical church than I do with the Methodist church. She is starting to go to a sort of generic women’s recovery group, akin to my own concept of “Sinners Anonymous.” If indeed she is suffering from some sort of depression, trauma or other psychopathology, this may help tease it out.
On the other hand, I still have fairly deep ties and roots in the Methodist church. I also resent Arwyn’s prodding for me to get involved with her church. I’ve just listed some good reasons to do it, but I need to do it in my own time in my own way. She wanted me to attend the men’s recovery group last night and I was having none of it. I’m not in a position at the present time to start a new group/cause/commitment/activity because work takes a lot out of me. And being the introverted person I am today, that sort of thing is not energizing to me at all!
But I did make a deal with her. I told her I would look at her recovery and if it looked to me like she was making progress, I’d consider joining the men’s version of the group. I didn’t say exactly what sort of progress I expected, but just about anything will do at this point.
I have a heap of resentment that has built up. A huge mountain whose peaks extend above the clouds. Everest is a small dung heap compared to the altitude my resentment has reached. It will take a team and several tanks of oxygen to make the summit of the anger that I have stored all of these years. It’s just now occurred to me the enormity of that obstacle. For even if Arwyn’s suggested course appears to be the right and proper way to go, I’m going to dig my heels in and refuse just out of spite and principle. I refuse to be pushed and pressured and coerced into anything.
As I mulled over her request, I felt the anger rise and spike.
“Please, I want you to do this for me.”
For YOU!!?? What the hell right do you have asking ME to do anything for YOU?? I have struggled to the point of exhaustion to do for you in hopes it might be reciprocated. And you make yet one more demand upon ME? Who do you think you are? Show me you can do something for yourself, bitch, that does not tax me or vex me!
Of course these were silent rants while I was doing the dishes and she was watching TV or something.
Getting rid of this resentment will be no small task. Plus I’m sure my refusal to do what she wanted me to do earned some additional ill will from her perspective. So resentment increased all around.
This illustrates why making any requests or demands at this point is risky. I don’t see a way of doing it without incurring more resentment. I’ve reached my own capacity and limit where I’m becoming less willing to entertain any of her stupid little whims.
But there is hope that as she moves within a new spiritual group that this will translate into something more positive. I’m tired of trying to move on my own. I might be better served by simply being open to moving in response to whatever she tries and attempt to make it something more positive.