I spent some time out of town and did call Arwyn once while I was out. She didn’t seem like she wanted to talk much so we didn’t talk long.
I had a bit of a layover in Chicago so texted her asking if she was there. A ‘yes’ came back and I called her to talk for a bit but she spent almost the entire time talking to the boys and very little talking to me. I was missing her. Or missing the person who would be there to greet me lovingly when I return home from a long journey.
I would love to have the type of wife who would wait for me and prepare herself for me when I returned home dressed in something sexy. Someone who would embrace me and kiss me longingly as she greeted me when I walked in. It’s this sort of vision that makes a man anxious to return home after a long time away. But the reality is often a much more disappointing experience. I’ll be getting home around 9:30, after the kids are in bed. Prime loving time, if you ask me. But what is the reality?
—————-
The reality was that I didn’t get home until around 10. We talked just a bit about the trip, the flight and the frigid weather I experienced. And then we went to bed around the same time.
She laid down in her inverted position, and I snuggled next to her. She turned on her side facing away from me so I tried spooning her. Grabbing a breast was a total non-starter, as well as trying for any sort of extensive kissing session. There wasn’t room for most of me under her blanket, but I persisted in trying to snuggle in behind her with a hand on her hip. And then grabbed one more kiss before getting myself in bed normally. And then jerked myself off to an orgasm so I could sleep. She sort of tolerated me for an extended amount of time and never did raise a fuss for being right there and actually nearly drifted off to sleep before I made my move to my own sector.
This is so not what I signed up for when I got married. I’m trying to imagine what sort of person would opt into this sort of lifestyle and arrangement. I’m enduring and have been doing so for quite awhile. I think the only reason I’ve been faithful this long is because I haven’t been tempted. How would one ever resist any serious counter offers to a life where one is barely tolerated and left to whither on the vine?
I know I’m just whining and complaining. I should pony up some real dough and pay someone to listen to my complaints so they can wave their counseling wand and make my troubles disappear. Maybe if she’s half as lonely as I am, we could hook up!LOL! Something has gotta give here eventually. Going year-to-year in a state of involuntary celibacy just isn’t going to work for me. Somehow I have to decide what it is that will work for me. So far what doesn’t work:
-Involuntary Celibacy
-Feeling like a rapist when we do have sex
– Being treated like just another chore
– Manual sex that is totally mechanical
– Chastity play that involves me playing by myself
Valentine’s Day is coming up. Egad. What a joke that is in bad need of a punch line!
Reality & Redemption 
I feel so sad, for how things are right now for you.
Honestly, I AM that wife who when the husband comes home just does NOT feel like having and giving lots of energy re sex. Seriously after looking after the kids (I have three as you probably already know) there is nothing I want to do more at the end of the day than NOTHING. Of course there are probably lots of wives who are full of energy and sexual tension at night who can do it all, and be it all, but there are probably a few like myself who can’t and have had all the energy sucked out of them during the day by going to work, cooking, cleaning and looking after the children. Of course my sex life is such shit there is really no incentive for me to even want it anyway, to be frank.
Arwyn doesn’t do much/any cooking or cleaning (you seem to do it all whilst holding down a full time job), so a cuddle and some affection would seem quite natural to expect from her especially after you’ve been away. Surely she can give a little to you? I don’t understand no affection at all, seriously. I think she’s in a depression…is that obvious? I can only speak from my corner, of course, and say that sometimes all I want is to be left the frig alone. I really think though that you both need to try and communicate about it – not heard THAT one before have you? :S
I hope things do get better soon for you.
I understand what you’re saying!
And Valentine’s Day … god what a joke. I have no idea what to get him. I don’t even want to go shopping for him!!!
Ahhhh it all sucks.
I have no advice to give … so I guess I suck too!
That reference to the hookup reminded me of that regrettable 70 recording by Rupert Holmes — “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”
On the other hand, you could take a sledgehammer to the issue like this one guy did.
http://www.network54.com/Forum/3551/message/1165842990/
Not that I would recommend that level of bluntness myself.
—
2amsomewhere
Being too tired or having lifes trials take the sexual desire from you I understand. Lord knows I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed less say have sex. But it just seems like there is more than that going on. How hard could it be to talk to you on the phone while you are away? Show some sign that she misses you? To be honest I just don’t get it. But I can certainly understand you being tired of it.
I sincerely hope you find a way to have at least some of what you want out of life…
Well, at least you’re a good cook, Hazel! Would it help you if your husband did more stuff around the house? Would doing the dishes make you a more willing partner? Just wondering. It doesn’t work here either.
I’m thinking gift card or something, Oblivion. I’m so not in the mood to waste a lot of time.
Well Cat, the secret seems to be to lower my expectations. The less I expect, the easier it is to get what I want from life. And right now, it’s one glass of wine. That wasn’t so hard!
D.
This comment so off YOUR subject/life, but I’m commenting anyway :S…..
Thanks for the compliment. I HAD to learn to cook, and cook ‘properly’ (?) because my mother was totally rubbish at cooking (we lived off of canned and readymade/convenience foods – she’s never made a cake in her life. Don’t get me wrong I love her but she’s as far from being a cook as…..I dunno lol)
To answer your question: I do find myself more amenable to sex with Hubs if he does more around the house, i.e. him doing some dishes = me 2 x’s more likely to say yes to sex with him, BUT the paradox is this, stuff like him leaving his clothes all over the floor/house (and expecting me to pick up after him!?) = me 10 x’s more like to say NO to sex with him. It takes a lot of positives to outweigh the negatives, for me anyhow. So does it work? In reality? Truthfully? Not really. In fact it never has worked because there are never enough positives. Okay. Me Bad Wife. :S
Digger, I don’t see how you do it. I guess that is a testimony to your faith.
Every marriage has issues. Sometimes those issues snowball into huge freakin’ problems. If Arwyn resents you for the past, then she needs to fish or cut bait. She’s not even going through the motions.
You may feel that you’re complaining, but most of us are using our blogs for just that. In today’s world, we seldom have those tight bonds with friends to talk about these issues.
Sadly, I do not foresee this situation ending happily. It seems that each of you are waiting for the other to make the first move in divorce. I am sorry.
Obviously there is no magic wand that comes with counseling. But I think it’s becoming more apparent why you refute the counseling idea… Because s/he would force you (or at least strongly recommend) to confront the idea head-on. To have the discussions that you aren’t having. To talk about the problems that you aren’t discussing.
I can save you on the first few counseling bills. Tell all this stuff to Arwyn. Be completely honest and blunt with her. Tell her how it is.
Say you come right out and tell her everything that you just wrote in this post.
What’s the worst that could happen? That she’d ask for a divorce?
Or that she wouldn’t?
She might say some completely awful things, but do you think it would be any worse than it already is?
Or maybe she’d agree to go see a doctor, for a physical. Check on the depression or some thyroid thing or who-knows-what. Maybe she’d even consider couples counseling.
Or maybe she’d tell you that she doesn’t love you anymore, and she’s torn, because she doesn’t know what to do about it.
Whatever happens, at least something would be *happening.* Because while you aren’t confronting the problem, your life is going by, as you said, year by year.
Yeah, I have a post that touches on that a bit, Hazel, coming right up re: positives v negatives.
I dunno, Aphron. I suppose faith plays a big part in this. Lazurus was raised from the dead, why not my marriage? Yeah, one can just hear the death rattle and yet hope, though dim, still exists even as a vapor.
Funnily enough, FTN, there is a part of me that really wants to do just as you say. There’s a part of your voice that resonates with my own conciousness and wishes to do just as you suggest. So why don’t I just do it, then? Laziness? Not likely since I’ve put a lot more work into this relationship than I probably would have to if I was more confrontational. Fear? Many have suggested that and with good reason. Perhaps there is some fear, but my thoughts follow yours; what’s the worst that could happen? Perhaps its fear of some different stripe that I have yet to discover.
D.
There’s several good books about Love Languages. Seems you guys speak different ones. Don’t wait for a crises, and not getting some after a long trip is not a crises, that, my friend, is just communication problems. Maybe if she knows how you’re longing for her upon return she’ll be receptive. Women can not read men’s minds. Give her some romance. Plant some seeds of love. Men always forget that key ingredient. It’s so simple! Women want flowers. Cards. Affirmation (that they are beautiful), little gifts. Marriage doesn’t mean that romance is dead. If romance is dead, so is the marriage. Pony up…be Mr. Romance and see what blooms.