Is this true?

KJ writes with an unbelievable edge, sometimes.  Most times, actually.  She has a knack for hitting various buttons of mine and I usually come away from her place feeling something.  Many times, it is sadness or anger.

In a recent post she goes on about hugs.  the fact is, that as soon as she is hugged by her husband she can feel his erection and hear the sound of his breathe becoming more shallow; the guy is getting turned on.  KJ writes exactly like a frigid shrew in this post!

It’s useful at this point to remind myself that this is not my wife and I am not her husband.  however it hits me hard because I can see my own wife’s complaints in hers.  Arwyn is not in the mood to be in the mood around me and fully wishes that I would not be in the mood either.

She goes on to say that she isn’t in the mood for it because she is in “wife/mother/work mode.”    She then concludes by saying that girls get it and guys do not.

 

She’s right in that I don’t get it.

 

When I asked her how she could feel like a wife if she wasn’t having sex with her husband, she said she felt like a wife when she took care of the kids, did the household chores and took care of the family.   She clearly equates being a wife with being a mother.  To her, these two things are insepereable and there is no possible way to be one without the other.  A wife is a domestic worker and a nanny.  “Lover” in no way ever enters the job description and if it does it is treated with contempt.  “Lover” is apparently a term reserved for two people fucking who are not married to each other.

 

KJ’s descriptions and struggles affect me so strongly because this is an alternate reality that I have a hard time dealing with.  Kj does like sex and complains about not getting it from her lover just like a HL person.  But the LL persona…damn.  She hates the way her husband breathes!

 

This is why I can see it.  Arwyn has complained about my breathing.  She complains about my snoring.  I hug her and I can feel her tense up.  I took on one of the biggest dragons of my life; I quit smoking. And we have not had sex of any kind in the months I’ve been smoke free.  No deep kissing because, like KJ, she cannot stand the way I kiss apparently.  Like KJ, she is a blonde beauty of Scandinavian descent.  She was also trained as a nurse.  Lot’s ‘O resemblances there.  KJ is probably the person an anonymous commentor was thinking of when she said she had read my wife’s blog.  I can see so many sentiments expressed by Arwyn in Kj’s posts it is not hard at all to imagine one is the other.

 

The problem I have with KJ (and by extension, Arwyn) is that the provision for happiness seems almost entirely one sided.  KJ does not want to be alone in her old age.  She does not want to marry her lover, she wants to live with her husband who is her best friend outside of the bedroom.  Would her husband be happy living the rest of his life living in involuntary celibacy?  His happiness is such a minor theme in her blog.  She knows what excites and thrills him, and those things are exactly what makes her feel like he is always needing, needing, needing something.  Even if he doesn’t go after it.  So if he does go after it, he is a demanding child.  But if he doesn’t go after it, he is still childish for having needs.

 

I think I get it now.

 

There is no possible way I will ever be able to feel better about Arwyn if I take another a lover.  The resentment will get worse as she becomes more of a nuisance with her incessant needs and demands.  I already feel like this sometimes.

 

D.

 

 

 

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4 Responses to Is this true?

  1. ranting2006 says:

    I think a lot of women feel the way KJ does. Men who have to deal with this don’t really want to know about it, because if the situation is confronted properly, the relationship will end. Two people can’t stay together liek that..it would just be pure agony.

  2. So Gone says:

    As an aside: I always pictured Arwyn as a petite brunette with curly hair… never a blonde.

    Reading your description/thoughts on KJ’s post made me want to cry. I feel so horrible that you have to feel this way.

  3. fadetonumb says:

    I second your frustration. How depressing.

    The thing that comes to mind is the importance of “nonsexual touch” that therapists and books always mention. Hugs that are nonsexual. Massages that are nonsexual. That kind of thing. But in extreme circumstances — and I believe both your and even KJ’s issues to be extreme — it already seems beyond that. It doesn’t seem feasible, because I’m sure it’s something you’ve tried.

    One issue I see in both you and KJ’s cases is that the growing resentment is expressed on a blog, and not necessarily to the spouse. Arwyn obviously has some deep, pent-up bitterness and resentment too, so who knows where she is expressing it. Perhaps it’s just bottled up.

    Now, if you and Arwyn were working as a team with a counselor… 🙂

  4. cah1470 says:

    It seems very selfish though to feel so happy and content with things but know your husband is miserable. It is hard to imagine her looking to old age with the idea that you are going to live without intimacy for good. Could anyone really believe that, expect that?

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