This is actually part of one of those triple posts I occasionally do, where each of my blogs contribute a little different angle on one subject. I’m okay, really. I almost thought about letting the whole group of posts languish in my private little blog bone yard, where I put all the posts that never get published. This one is just a bit of a health post but loosely follows the posts on Unsolicited Advice and my Blogger version of this Site.
I actually need to scale back the garlic a bit. That tightness in the chest just has to be heartburn.
At times like this, when the shadow of ones mortality begins to loom larger, a body begins to think. What exactly are my big stressors? How do I deal with them? Am I a heart attack just waiting to happen?
Physically, I’ve never thought of myself as anything other than average. 6’2″, 225 lbs give or take a few, 43 years old. My blood pressure was good just 3 months ago. No other major problems, except my knees are not what they used to be. I have been essentially smoke free for over 4 months and have not put on any weight.
My work has times of stress, but whose doesn’t? I feel valued and competent and am generally respected and supported by coworkers and supervisors. I enjoy my work and there are times I would rather be there than home.
When I look at all of the major stressors in most people’s lives, I don’t have all that many. I do have children with exceptionalities which does add to stress and chaos, but even this is overshadowed by the big one. The single biggest source of stress is my failing marriage.
Actually, being avoiders, we are not stressing each other very much directly. However, the big huge downside of the whole avoider dynamic is the internalization of stress and tension. Coupled with the desolation of zero physical intimacy, and every bloody thing is compounded like debt upon debt and paying interest on interest. I am this highly charged scorpio who has been pinned down and boxed in. While solo sex provides a mediocre amount of expression, it is far, far from satisfactory.
Bliatz has been opining a bit about the clashing libido struggle. She’s very sexy and quite sexual but inside of her there seems to be a LL woman fighting to get out. She tells a little about her reasons for not being in the mood for sex. Among these reasons is stress.
This is a key difference between people with higher libidos and those with low libidos. In fact, it is a core feature of this conflict. For me, sex is a means for REDUCING stress! For me, it is the perfect antidote for stress, sickness, fatigue and discomfort of every kind. For a person with low or no libido, sex is a SOURCE of stress, sickness, fatigue, and discomfort of various kinds. If a LL person is feeling any of the above symptoms, sex is the first thing they go off.
Before plumbing deeper into this, I do have a few other issues which contribute to any hypertension I might be experiencing that need mentioning. One is the fact that internalizing is simply how I deal with issues like anger and conflict. I am not a type ‘A’ personality, but maybe this type who is disguised. If you look at me, I am the picture of poise, confidence, calmness and serenity while waiting in the long checkout at the Super Wal-Mart. But inside, I am a roiling inferno of hostility, bitterness and resentment. I am the lone island in a sea of incompetence, idiocy and madness. Every person in front of me, and most of those behind me, are enemies bent on getting in my way and making my life harder than it needs to be. My ugly racist, sexist, evil, homicidal internal monstrous rage bounces and burns within my belly. Meanwhile, I am smiling on the outside. Nothing but pleasantness.
Talk about a fountain of poisonous bile! I wish it were not so, but within me there is a monster who never sleeps.
Which leads to the other mitigating factor, which is lack of sleep. I just haven’t been getting enough, averaging less than 5 hours per night. Some of it is blogging. More of it is playing certain computer games. I do get tired late afternoons, but by 10 I am still not ready to go to bed. This became more and more of a trend even while locked in the cage.
Fact is, computer games and blogging are escapes for me. Some prefer TV and I can do that as well as the next person, but it isn’t a top choice. I’m more into using my brains which reading, writing and playing allow.
But I’ve been doing other reading and found there was a definite link between too little sleep and heart disease. Which adds more stress.
So dealing with stress; I’m not much for dealing at all. I’ll escape, avoid and hide from it long before I actually deal. That’s probably not too healthy, is it? I guess I just see the things I don’t do. I don’t use drugs or alcohol. I’ve ditched the smokes. I don’t scream, yell or punch holes in the wall.
Food is a vulnerability but I’ve been controlling that. I’ve discovered air popped popcorn without anything extra on it actually helps with the whole oral fixation thing which is a greater need than actual taste and with few calories and a lot of fiber.
So I’m not doing a lot of things wrong. I don’t have a family history of heart disease. But there are risk factors. Of course, I could die in a car wreck, get cancer or some other fatal disease or accident or condition. None of us is going to be around forever. We don’t want to think about our mortality, but it exists.
I have no idea what to do with this post except finish it and stop here. I’ll slap it up but I’m moving to a different page.