Writing Myself into a Funk

I love my wife, but lately I feel like living  with her is killing me.  Really.  I’m not quite where Dewdrop was in a post of hers, but close enough.  I’m a person who thrives off of affection, especially of the adult, reciprocal physical variety.  And I am getting nothing here.  Zilch.  Since giving up smoking, blogging has become a primary outlet but I’m not sure I do that good of a job of venting here.  It is certainly no substitute for the whole cuddling/holding/hugging one-flesh thing I so crave.

Not that there’s anything to it, but I do seem to have the whole scorpio thing going.  And I am not a very happy little pincher.  I am sure I am not being remotely romantic enough for Arwyn to even consider having anything like physical affection for me.

I’ve started another, longer post on the subject and am not sure what I’ll do with it as it takes turns I’d rather not take.  But I do see my mortality, and I am more okay with it than maybe I ought to be.  So, yeah, I am closer to Dewdrop (even though from opposite ends of this) in that way.  If God wants me, He knows where to find me.  I’d like to be there for my boys as they grow up but I’m willing to submit to God’s superior care and judgement in such things.  I’m also willing to stay if that is what I’m supposed to be doing.  No problems there, except I am not very happy and certainly not thriving here.

Unlike Dewdrop, I could see myself thriving in a certain type of marriage, but maybe I’m just more naive than she is.  Maybe I’m just dreaming.  I think my attitude has more to do with it than anything and right now, it is kind of crappy.  Like Emily, I long for so many other things:

– Someone capable of paying her own bills

– Someone just a bit more organized

– Someone just a bit more romantic

– someone who can do a bit more cooking

– Somone who would be happy with a bit more loving

– Someone who appreciated my oral fixation for the potential it holds

-Someone with a bit more sensuality

I don’t excel at any of those things (except the oral fixation, and I do need more practice) but I have SOME limited capacity in each.  Arwyn has little to none with less interest in developing these.  Like some of the women I read, I feel like I very much am supporting and nurtering another dependent who has more in common with the children than an independent adult.  I am okay doing things for her much of the time.  Cooking; okay.  Paying bills; okay.  Holding a job; okay.  But I need to be lifted now and then and supported now and then in my own way.  And I do not feel supported.  I feel undermined.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like I carry all of the responsibility with few benefits.

My days on this earth are numbered and as morbid as it sounds, I am glad of it.  I will do the best I can for as long as I can while I am here.  I’ll make the best of it.  But Earth has not been a happy place for me.  I may yet change my mind but at this point in time, I’m not taking extraordinary steps to cling to it.  I’ll stay fot enough to do what must be done. I will do my duty and perform with honor.     It may sound pathetic, but I’m just going to vent my spleen here for a bit.  I commented awhile back on Emily’s blog about suffering and I’m still mulling over a post on that subject.

To my mind, Earth was created for people but people have ruined it.  We have shit our own nest, as it were.  There is no way Earth can ever be anyting other than a hellish place simply because it is infested with too many of US!  Petty, whining, petulant, selfish beings.  I do not like this side of myself by any means.  But it’s there, and it exists in all of us.  Being bound in the mortal coil, to me, is not the final ting.  I look forward to a Heavenly existance free of selfishness and want.  I don’t want to want.  I don’t want to need.    But I do.  Starvation is not a pretty way to go, but I have heard it said from those who might know that the body begins to shut down and cut itself off from actual pain and suffering.  In the case of Terry Schaivo, she may have not suffered so much and I pray she did not.  That does not make starving another human being a humane thing to do, though.

My Birthday is in 11 days. Each year I look forward to it less and less as the past ones get worse and worse.  Take a look at the archive if you don’t believe me.

D.

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3 Responses to Writing Myself into a Funk

  1. … any time you would like to talk — let me know.

    Rod Smith

  2. cageone says:

    Hi digger, well I am in the shit tonight, I came home in a rush because she was out…I had programed the recorder ages ago to record her shows…so all i SHOULD need to do was turn the machine off (to put it in timer record mode) alas the last power black out wiped it…looks like I just added a few more days 😦

    Found a good website today http://www.aroundherfinger.com/

    I found it 90% worth showing my wife except the unreality of doing EVERYTHING…..

    take care dude

  3. cah1470 says:

    Well you know I can definitley relate. I used to look forward to life after this but now I feel so mired in it all that I am not sure I will ever rise above it. So I guess I am wallowing in it. Each day I ask how self absorbed and greedy can one person be. Then I will read one of my entries and I am embarrased by the answer.

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