Cinnimon, of all people, is ruminating about D/s, specifically the power exchange aspect of it and wonders, “why?” It’s not as if there isn’t enough variety in vanilla sex. Why are some people attracted to a dominant or submissive role? A while back some guys on the chastity listserve covered this, and a good number responded by saying “Who cares? Just enjoy it!”
And for many, this is a perfectly legitimate response. In fact, a sub might be better off if they just go with their feelings rather than thinking too much. But some of us are unable to shut off our brains like that. Although one of the hallmarks of being in subspace is pushing most thoughts out and giving in to the sensations without analyzing.
So, I’ll share a few of my thoughts on domspace and subspace. First off, I need to say I am not a very good sub. Seriously. And over analyzing might be the reason for my poor performance as a sub. Or perhaps because my wife isn’t remotely like a domina. But I don’t think it is fair to blame her for my shortcomings as a sub.
Subspace to me, is getting out of a body’s head and into the feelings of the moment. It is surrendering and giving over control. And Cinn is correct in her assumption that it does involve a relatively high level of trust. If I want to get into subspace, I need to get past my head and let myself be taken over by the sensations of being dominated.
The only reason I’m able to do that is because I’m giving myself over to someone I trust; me. At one time it might have been Arwyn but even then I couldn’t get lost in it. I was still thinking too much. So those folks I cited above were actually closer to it by not worrying about why. In fact, sex is all about getting lost in the moment.
Domspace is a bit more cerebral, but not much. It still involves getting lost in the moment. But it involves a bit more action, planning, imagination and being in tune with the one being dominated. While a sub, during a scene, can surrender and concentrate on self, the person doing the dominating needs to be observant of the sub’s reactions and responses. And getting in tune with those responses is where the appeal lies. Breathing, sweat, noises, twitches, flinches, and squirming around are all sources of feedback for a dom. And domspace involves feeding off of that feedback. So in one one sense, being a sub involves being in tune with your own feedback. There’s an intricate dance between the two partners, one providing one kind of sensory input which gets translated into something more intimate.
Thing is, I am not really into dominant women. Really and truly I am drawn towards women who have a more submissive nature. However, there is a sort of fantasy of having a quiet, demure woman get turned on in the bedroom and become more assertive. But this sort of dynamic does not seem to occur often. The sort of women 8 am attracted to are not terribly assertive in many areas. Arwyn is a case in point, where she neither takes the initiative nor does she willingly accept initiative taken by me. Which means the trust probably isn’t there.
And this is why I am not probably ever going to be a very good submissive. I have the capacity to give up some control and power, but it is measured and limited. I am somewhat keen to explore more, but I can not say that I am into the whole spanking, sissy boy, humiliation, painslut scene. I flat-out don’t like pushy women or domineering women. While it might seem Arwyn dominates me, she really does not. But neither does she respond well to being dominated. Which begs the question: Why does there have to be any power exchange at all? Can’t it just be shared?
I’m willing to do that, but the concept of equitable sharing is simply not there with Arwyn. I like how Christian Husband recently described a sort of feedback loop where the couple feeds off of each other’s goodwill and pleasure. However, like his wife, Arwyn does not see things that way. She expects things to be provided and done no matter what the feelings while not wanting any expectations of reciprocation placed on her part. I am expected to provide while I am allowed to expect nothing in return.
And this is what brings many of us into power exchange. Even if we may not necessarily be good subs, it is preferable to have a more explicit arrangement. Since you’re going to be determining when, if, how and where we have sex, why not go ahead and have me wear a cock cage to reinforce this arrrangement?
Because then it would actually shift responsibility entirely and explicitly to where it belongs: the one who is doing the dictating. But she wants to dictate without really having the label of dictator.
Okay, back to D/s…
By letting Satan hold the key, I get a chance to at least get a small taste of the power exchange with someone else who is keen to explore the other side of it. I get to see what it might be like having someone who might actually devote a bit of time towards thinking about the state of my caged member and not label me a wierd pervert. I can let go just a bit. I don’t have to work so hard domming myself.
The appeal to me has always been in the contradictions. I can feel pleasure and pain at the same time. Anticipation and frustration join together to produce a different sort of pleasure. It’s so much a part of being in my head while losing my head. I want in and I want out at the same time. That’s what it has always been about for me, where my mind and body are stretched and tested just a bit. Having you all along for the ride makes the trip a lot less lonely! So thanks for reading and letting me share.
Hopefully I haven’t totally messed up the topic!